My 3.5yo DD has never had much separation anxiety. Lately though (starting last week, but gradually growing in severity), every time I try to leave her sight she starts crying and tells me that she will miss me. (The longest she has ever been separated from me is overnight with her grandparents, and it's been over a year since then. Since August, she spends about 1.5-2 hours a day at the park with her aunt while I am in class; the rest of the time she is with me.)
She also has randomly started crying and saying she misses other people... Some, she sees on a daily basis. (Like her dad and her aunt, who lives with us.) Others are people we barely even know, like a friend of her aunt who sits with us twice a week during lunch. (We eat lunch on campus to trade off watching her...) she cries the least about people who are close, but gone for extended periods, like her grandparents who she saw almost daily, until they moved about a year ago. She adored them (mutual adoration) and only sees them once every few months, or when we video chat.
I'm thinking this is just her developing a deeper pool of emotions, but I'm not sure how to handle it. I always assure her I will be back, and give her loves before I leave. (Nothing excessive, just a hug and kiss, and an "I love you! I'll be back in a couple hours! Have fun with Auntie.) when she is crying about someone else, I tell her when we will see them next, (if it is within a day or two) or tell her what they are doing so far away (Grandpa is working in such and such state right now) and that she can call them when we get home if she wants to.
How could I handle this? I want her to feel free to express her emotions, but I don't want her to be an emotional wreck all the time. :(
Try telling her that every time she feels like crying because she misses someone, she should draw a picture for that person. Of what she likes doing with that person, etc.
Remind her that a picture is a better gift for someone she misses than her crying is!!
Even for her aunt's friend - as long as that person won't think it's too weird, tell DD that she can draw pictures for her aunt's friend too.
It's a phase. She'll get through it. You're doing the right thing to not make goodbyes dramatic hug-fests, so keep up with that. Try not to use the "I'll miss you" line or focus on it when she says it. Focus, as you are, on "I'll be back soon" and "you'll have fun with XYZ."
I like the idea of drawing a picture for the person as long as it doesn't keep her obsessed with them - otherwise you need to resort to complete distraction. I think you're right, that she is developing more emotions and also more vocabulary. She's past the "out of sight, out of mind" stage, and she may just be a very sensitive child.
Try to focus her on what's new and exciting in her life today - new people coming in, new experiences coming in. Even if you take a walk, concentrate on what you see around you - trees, changing leaves, wildlife (even just ordinary birds), and comment on how much fun it is to get out just the 2 of you. As she starts to realize how many things there still ARE in her life, maybe she'll focus less on what's missing.
There is a very sweet show on PBS called Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. It is modeled after Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. You can also stream episodes on Netflix, if you have it. It is aimed at very young children, although my six year old also loves it.
They have an episode where Daniel is nervous about going to pre-school and his Mom leaving him. They sing a little song called "Grown-ups Come Back." The whole episode is about separatation... I think it is really good. Might be another thing you could show her to help her understand what is happening.
Best of luck.
Your daughter is becoming more aware of distance and what goes with it, and she thinks about it a lot more than she used to. She doesn't really understand it, so her emotions speak for her.
I do like the picture idea. You can remind her that when she misses other people, they might miss her, too. Help her write letters (yes, the old-fashioned kind). They're so unusual these days that everybody enjoys receiving one.
You are also doing well to talk about these people. "Isn't So-and-So wonderful? I'm so thankful that she belongs to us as a friend." If you can talk about the people and not just about the emotions, you'll be going in the right direction.
My children all went through crying periods when I would leave, too. It's the brains at work again - they start wondering about the great unknown of absence. Keep reassuring her. I think you're on the right track.
Thank you for NOT saying, "Oh, don't be silly!"
LOVE the suggestion to have her draw a picture for who she's missing at the time!
Ask why she misses so-and-so, then get her talking about what she lives about them and why.
Just keep doing what you're doing. She'll move past this stage.
Recognize and validate her feelings, but don't encourage her to be overly emotionally upset. "I can tell that you really miss her. You must be excited to see her again. I know when I miss so-and-so, I like to give her a call and see how she's doing. Would you like to give her a call tonight?"
i think you're already handling it in exactly the best fashion.
these phases only SEEM endless when we're coping with them. she actually is internalizing your calm, loving common sense and beginning to incorporate it into her psyche. you'll see the results later.
hang in there, mama!
khairete
S.
