Dealing with Bad Behavior Between Our Biological Child and Our Foster Child

This is pretty much normal behavior for boys this age. It may be more intense because of both boy's insecurities.

I don't have much time to write so I'll just make a couple of brief suggestions. Separate them before they get on each other's nerves and act out. Do they each have their own toys as well as shared toys. If not I think that might help. EAch boy is in charge of his toys and can refuse to let the other one have them. They will learn how to share with the toys that belong to both.

I adopted my foster child. The family dynamics are different when one child is a foster child. I could write for hours on that subject. I recommend that you do more reading about fostering and how to help your own son and the foster son feel more secure and loved. Keep in mind that the foster child may not have experienced love. He may also have had to fight for whatever he got. Food, love, toys. And your son is likely to feel displaced by the foster child. The dynamics are similar to having a baby born into the family but yet different. Because he foster child is older your son is at a disadvantage is some ways. He may feel powerless. I can almost gaurentee that the foster child feels powerless. Find a way for both of them to both feel and have some power. Separate toys is one way.

You have taken on a challenging and much rewarding job. I praise you for it. And you are thinking along the right lines. Stick with the marshmallows for awhile and see if it doesn't help. Time outs don't work with all kids. I suspect that the foster boy feels rejected when he's given a time out. I couldn't use them with my daughter. And both she and I have found that they don't work with her children. What does work is to send them to separate rooms to cool off. They can play, watch TV, listen to music, whatever they want as long as they stay in their rooms. They decide when they're ready to come out and be good company to with each other and with the rest of us. The younger child was 3 when she started this.

Depending which agency you're fostering with you can ask for some help. I fostered thru CSD and insisted on counseling for both my foster child and myself. I also attended several really helpful workshops and a support group.

If the 4 year old has not been with you for very long, sharing may not work. First he has to feel wanted and that he belongs with you. Again, having separate toys will help. Thrift stores are a great place to get toys inexpensively. I took my daughter and now my grandchildren with me so that they could pick out what they wanted. You can tell them ahead of time how much they can spend, otherwise they may want the whole store. :)

This will work out. Your son is safe. Hitting is common at this age. As long as they are supervised by an adult they won't seriously hurt each other.

I think what your already doing is a great idea. How long has your foster child been living with you? Are you planning on adopting him? What kind of a home did he come from? There are a lot of things that can play into his behavior so you should take all that into consideration. Maybe reassuring him that he is loved just as much as your own son...I'm not sure cause I don't know his background or the future plans for this child. But it sounds like so far you are handling this very well. Down the road if it gets worse perhaps a child therapist. Hope this helps, good luck.

B.,

I have a family member that fostered as well, got tired of the system's red tape and doesn't anymore, but this reminds me of several of the kids through that house. To your foster child it must feel like a nightmare. They're not with their bio parents for whatever reason, and living with strangers. Quite often they feel like "if my parents don't love me why should these strangers" so they'll act out to test your love. They'll do everything they can to prove to themselves that they're right and you don't love them.

On that note, I would suggest a shadow. Either you or your husband stay in the same room as the boys and be the voice to either boy when things start getting out of hand. "No! Jim! I was playing with that toy" "Hey! Paul! give that back, it's mine!" Things like that. I've seen this work in my home and at the daycare I used to work at. Kids at this age still don't have a full vocabulary and sometimes can't communicate effectively enough for their own satisfaction.

My son is 6 and my daughter is almost 3 and both of them still have trouble using words. They'd rather throw tantrums and scream at each other instead of speaking.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

First of all, take the labels off of your boys. If both of these sons were biological, what would you be doing differently? This is sibling rivalry. Your youngest son has a position of tenure and authority in this relationship whether you want to acknowledge it or not. Seeing as how this is what it is, you need to have a discussion, as much as a 3 yr old can discuss, and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable. He takes a toy away from your oldest son, then he loses that toy and one other. Same goes for your oldest son, if he takes a toy away from his younger brother, then he loses that toy and one other. Pretty soon they won't have anything left to take or lose. And you need to use some self discipline as well, stick to the plan, don't waiver and don't play favorites. These are both your sons. There should be absolutely no difference in how you love and care for them. They may have arrived by different means, but you all live under the same roof now.

As a Child Psychology major in college, I learned that expecting your 3 and 4-year-olds to act rationally when considering the other person's feelings is unrealistic. They really don't have in their brain the ability to put themselves in another person's shoes. This will happen in the next few years, so until then, model appropriate behavior, ask them to touch gently and find an alternative to "time out", really, time out should last about 10 seconds and then talk about the undesirable behavior before it leaves their memory. If you wait too long "one minute for every year", then it will not have the same effect and an immediate talk. Also, and I know this is hard, model calm behavior when talking to them. Tell them what you want them to do, not what you don't want them to do, i.e. "Touch nicely", "use your words" instead of "don't hit", "don't grab", often times the last word they hear is what sticks out for them, so they'll hear "nicely, words" instead of focusing on "hit and grab". Good luck, it is a tricky age and they will be self-centered for at least another year or two. Google "child psychology theory" and you might find more information on what is going on which might help you better deal with it. - T.