I Need to Help a Friend with Out of Control Foster Children...

find out their history, why they became foster kids, and work with that info meaning if their parents were abusive, try to find ways that will help them see better examples.

wow... this is a hard one. mainly because it could be physical or psychological that they behave this way. They may just need time to adjust. I was reading in a parenting magazine once that children are like cave men, they can't explain how they feel and thats why when they are really upset they throw them selves around and their body language tells it all. It said, first let then know you understand how they feel, flap your arms jump up and down make an angry or sad face and say I know I know I know, your mad mad mad! Once they see you reacting to how they feel, it usually catches their attention long enough to slowly show them that you're calming down, and that there is a solution to the problem. If its about a toy they want or something, and the anwser is no, well, its that simple the answer is no. You are only as good as your word and children know this best! So no room for being a push over and no room for giving in. They will slowly understand that no just simply means no.

As for the hitting thing, well you should never punish hitting by, well hitting... like spanking and such. Time out is perfect for hitting. But you make sure they stay where they are for the full time and if they leave the spot before time is up, they start over. no matter how long this takes, even if it's 2 hours, once you make it very clear time out is time out, next time they won't be leaving that spot until time is up. If not the next, for sure the time after that. And no matter how small the violence was, if it was minor like a push, then make the time out less but still put him in time out, and always be fair. If they were both fighting, even verbally, they should both be punished (that way no one feels singled out which could utimately lead to more aggression) She should probably stay away from any cartoons that have violence, not forever just until he understands that hitting is not okay. This means all violence, yes... even batman. Although he's a good guy, younger boys don't quite make the connection between good ppl and bad ppl and all they really see is the aggression, and the more aggressive always wins.

The jealous thing, well, I think that if the baby is getting a certain amount of attention, then he should get a certain kind of attention to, like a trip to the park just for him, or a big boy swing, or a big boy bike ride, a big boy basketball hoop... I'm not sure on this one, I think he just need to feel like he has special needs to.

Also, I think this is a big one for behavioral problems. Focaus more on the positive. Wheb he does something nice, no matter how simple always be over estatic about it and when he does something bad firmly (not to much tho) Correct him with out saying nuch or over reacting. He may be used to getting attention by behaving poorly.

I can't say I know this much by experience, but I took a family development class, and a child development class in college.

God bless you and all people who foster children. I can only pray that your friend can work this out. I am one of three sisters were experienced foster homes. Abandoned by our birth mother as infants and toddlers, severely abused by my birth father, and then in foster care from age 9 to 18. I was in 3 foster homes before the right fit--so the right fit is not always guaranteed, even tho it can be heart-wrenching making the decision to move them. I strongly recommend children's therapy, probably play therapy os the like, rather than talk therapy (in Denver check out Foundations Family). It seems like a male role model would be good--either a volunteer big brother, or maybe if there is a male birth relative (uncle, older cousin, etc) that is not involved in whatever are the source birth family issues. It also probably matters whether she has long-term or short-term/indeterminate custody of them. Also, from my experience, it is only good for them to see the birth parents if the goal is reunification b/c there's a likely chance of it--otherwise family visits might be the most disruptive thing that can happen.

My husband and I just went through fostercare training last yeat. We had our first two fostercare kids in Feb for 6 days for respite.
I was told that these kids are in intensive therapy and it sounds like those children need some right now. I am also the mother of 2 boys 7 and 3 and we have tried the Love and Logic approach it is wonderful for working with young children.
One thing to is in watching supernanny is needing to establish the rules and follow through on timeouts it will be trying for a while but the children will see that there are boundries and they probably have not had consistent rules or discipline. Children while throwing fits, are really crazing a structure and need to know what is expected of them. They also need alot of Love, just not overindulgence in things. Talk to the social works on the case or they should have a GAL. Good Luck my prayers are with you.

I work for Child Protection, call the social workers and tell them it is too much and she needs to have one or some of them moved. This is not a failure or admitting failure in no sense of the word!!!! Some foster chidlren are very difficult and have issues that are not easily addressed or not addressable at all. Be honest with the agency and let her know it is ok to say she is overwhelmed, it is better for the children and she won't burnout. Foster parents are so greatly needed. I gaurantee her social worker would rather move some or one of the children than risk burning her out in the long run!!!

I have read about many experiments with ADD, ADHD kids, prisoners and school children in general. These studies all indicate that people with behavior problems are often low on omega three oils and are often allergic to color dyes. Fish oil in particular is great to help people calm down. I have seen the same results in my own child. He was angry and easily frustrated. We took him off color dyes (which are in sugary treats) and put him on fish oils. It changed his life (and mine) completely!! It was unbelievable!
It was so cool that I wrote a book to help people learn about things like this. It's called Shopper's Guide to Healthy Living. It is available on Amazon.com and takes only four hours to read. It may also help you get pregnant. I also send out a healthy hint each week. If you want to get on the dist list, just let me know.

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They sound normal to me. The 1 1/2 year old needs to learn that throwing fits doesn't get attention, but being good does. I would ignore the fits and pretend I don't notice and they will quit. When the child calms down, at this point I would take time to understand what it is that they were after and then explain that throwing fits will never get them what they want, but being nice surely will work a whole lot better. Keep calm while the child is throwing the fit, so they learn that you are unimpressed. The 4 year old may have a sugar intolerence. I would have the foster mother limit sugar and see if the hyperness calms down. I have a son who if he gets too much sugar, juice, fruit or any of it, he goes crazy. I give him water to drink at all times so he can have some kind of a treat during the day. It is a trade off and he accepts the trade more than willingly. I would also explain to the older boy that the only person in the world who is going to be there for him and know what it is like to grow up the way they have is his little brother. I would explain that the little brother is going to grow up and love him more than anything in the entire world and he should teach the little brother how to treat him by treating the little brother the way he would like to be treated. I would focus on the fact that the older brother doesn't like being mistreated and he shouldn't treat HIS brother that way. Encourage hugs, kisses and helping eachother. Start slow like good night kisses and hugs good bye. Have the little one help get the older ones shoes or coat when leaving. Little things the baby can do to be helpful(if the can) to show love to the older boy will mend the lost bond that they have. Tell the older boy that it makes you happy and proud of him when he shows love and caring towards the smaller one. Someone needs to teach these boys how to love not hate. Leading by example is priceless, but one has to remember that they need to be told why it is that you are doing what you are doing. Keep in mind it is fairly normal for a 4 year old to be slightly mean, but if they are taught better they will get over it.

It sounds like the one with the tempers the child may be RAD. That happens to alot of foster children....I have a almost 5 year old with ODD. Its hard. But we did go to parenting classes...A child that is RAD, needs help right away it cannot be ignored, it will only get worse. Nancy Thompson, is a wonderful women that has fostered, and helped many children with behavior problems and you can google her. She has a organzation out of CO. but also has a website with books and DVDS. Check you local mental health places, alot of them will help with children....thats where you should start. We were able to take a class VIA DVD. Its called POWERFUL PARENTING. That 8 week session saved our family.....Good Luck
J.

That is so sad...I don't want to imagine what happened to them in their previous life to have such an effect on their behavior! I don't know much about the foster system, but I would hope that there were some options such as therapy available to these boys. I would reccomend that your friend seek professional help in dealing with this behavior. THere are most probably deep, underlying issues.

I am so sorry that you think your friends Foster childeren are out of control. Dealing with this on a personal level for over 12 years I would say you are not ready to became a foster parent take some classes to deal with these kind of situations instead of having them (The childeren you are caring for) put into a home that may not be any better then the one the were removed from or had to leave there are so many reasons why these childeren are acting out I would so try to help them. Your question would be it takes a lot of patience. For so many people that go into this don't know what they are in for What it is suppose to be is to help them & make them feel they are wanted and not a terror Please never tell any child that.
Think about your question read it out aloud maybe your not cut out for being a foster parent.

being in a situation where you are not with a consistent care giver at such a young age changes you. period. these issues are no doubt due to attatchment problems to start with and will require lots of patience and hard work. your friend needs to decide if she is up for the challenge. to little souls are in limbo and her response can really make a differnce good or bad in their lives. she needs education on attatchement and attatchement disorders as well as professional help as she moves forward. best of luck to you.

the only advice I have, because my little boy is still tiny, but from reading A New Earth. Parenting tends to be about Doing. If we as parents changed from human-doings, back to human-Beings, it may help. Just being there 100% present, which is something that is hard to do but I am learning from the book, can help children get the attention that they really crave deep within. How to just be?? I don't know the answers for your friend, but, get the book for yourself, and see if you can help her from there. Namaste

I know people say to ignore tantrums. I can do that when the kids are older, but when they're that young, I try to encourage them to name their feelings and offer hugs.

"Are you feeling angry?" "...oh, I'm sorry-I hate it when I feel like that." "do you want a hug?"

At first he didn't always go for the hug, but now he does every time and that ends the tantrum. ..and he doesn't feel ignored.

For the younger boy, if she gives him time outs, it's ok to have the time out be sitting on her lap. Just be sure that he knows it's a time out. Then ask him "are you done?...do you need a hug?" even though he'll still be on your lap for the hug it feels different.

When hugging the younger boy, smile at and watch the older boy. ask him if he wants a hug.

For the older boy:
to encourage a relationship between them, point out any time the younger one is trying to be like the older one, or smiling at him or anything that shows he likes his older brother. even if it's accidental.
"oh, look, he's smiling at you. oh, he came over to see if you're ok. oh, he's watching you. oh, he's trying to be like you." etc

also point out when he shows attention to his lil brother:
"awwwww - you make him smile/giggle" "oooh - is he sad?" etc

I applaud both yours and your friend's becoming foser parents. I was a single foster parent, too. I ended up adopting a 20 month old with different issues, but have never regretted my decision to foster children -- even when it was really tough and lonely.

I had a 4 1/2 year old girl that had tantrums that sounded just like your friend's 1 1/2 year old. It's tough living through such frequent and violent tantrums. Most of the advice given sounded good. Here's the stuff that helped with her (and my adopted daughter, too):

1. Consistency - I set up a schedule/routine and NEVER varied it. Foster kids usually have NEVER had routine or consistency. Consistency is one of the keys to feeling stable and safe. We had meals, naps, bath, bedtime at the same time daily. We did certain types of things at the same time every day.

2. Repetition - I spoke about the day's schedule thoughout the day. At the beginning of the day, I said what we were going to do. Then before we did anything, I said that. Then after we completed something, I said what we'd done and what we'd be doing the rest of the day. At the end of the day, I reviewed what we'd done and what the next day's schedule was going to be. It sounds monotonous and redundant, but it helped a TON.

3. LOTS OF LOVE - I used to give the 4.5 year old a few minutes to have her tantrum and then I scooped her up, put a blanket around her, held her in my arms while I rocked in the rocking chair, telling her "I love you. You're safe and loved." I repeated that until she was calm and ready to move on. This helped the tantrums decrease in frequency, length and violence.

4. Therapy - for the kids and for me. Both of us needed it. 'Nuff said.

5. Respite - I didn't want to leave the children with anyone else while they were awake - at least not until they felt more comfortable where whey were. However, I would take some time for myself after they were in bed. Massage was a really big treat and quite therapuetic.

I also agree with what some of the other people said about sometimes the kids may be too much and another family is better able to handle them. While I was totally committed and never voluntarily gave up the few children I had, the Court thought there was something better for them. Sometimes, that turned out to be the truth. But what I was able to know inside was that while they were with me, they were safe and loved.

Good luck to you and your friend.

http://www.learningpeace.com/pages/LP_07.htm
http://www.drspock.com/faq/0,1511,9452,00.html
http://ezinearticles.com/?Toddler-Tantrums-How-To-Cope-Wi...

And what REALLY worked for my son: Holding Therapy.
You can look it up, there are advocates and there is opposition. We did it because it works, and he always knows we love him.
http://www.theworldlink.com/articles/2008/03/15/religion/...

I think two "extreme" ways of activities might be best. 1) everyone works together (building blocks, brushing teeth, whatever) or 2) activities are solo play, preferably in different rooms (baby plays in bedroom, big kid in family room). She will need to be physically present at ALL times, period. She might invest in a baby sling for the younger one (babyholder.com) so he can learn to connect and feel secure, hence less tantrums. Any child put into that situation will require parenting at levels most of us don't normally spend the time doing. I hope she has the time.

These kids sound like they have been affected by whatever it is that caused them to be in foster care in the first place. They have not learned how to control themselves. You asked how you can help your friend...I am hoping that she is commited to helping these little boys.
Be there for her to talk to. She is going to get frustrated at times and will need a 'shoulder to cry on.' Listen without giving advice unelss she asks for it. In general, I would direct her back to the foster parenting class and people who have had experience. And don't judge the boys. They are so little and are going to have emotional & behavioral difficulties for some time. They need stability to progress beyond it. And your friend needs to hear positive things about them and what she is doing.

T.,
I know just being that age, children are a handful, however,she has more than a handful due to the fact, even though,I bet they are cute and wonderful children, if you think about it, they are displaced. Tell your friend, she needs patience, love and understanding, they are testing her. Have her consistent in all she does, and in time the oldest will mellow. however, siblings always beats up each other for some reason at this age. Good luck to her
Terrible 2's and Tantrum 3's are horrible. They can start around 1 to 1 and 1/2 years of age and end around by age 4. I call it the growing independent stage for children. They are just learning more and want to do it their way. Again, I cannot say it enough, love , patience, understand and lets not forget firmness with love.

My husband and I were foster parents for over 10 years and had about 70 children come through our home. We adopted 2 of them. It was very rewarding and very challenging. I think your friend is doing something honerable but she must learn to know her limits--especially because she is single. My husband and I were a team and we supported and rescued each other when one of us was at the end. We learned through experience that we could not help every child. Some of the kids that were placed with us were beyond what we could handle. Although it was difficult to tell a case worker to move kids, we had to realize that we weren't the ones who created the problem and we couldn't fix all the problems. Some kids just fit into one family better than another. Our son was 7 when he was placed with us and we were told he was a difficult child. All he needed was structure and boundries, which is our style and he was great. To be a good parent you have to take care of yourself.

The baby could be evaluated by the infant and toddler program through Health and Welfare. The older child can get an assessment through Children's Mental Health. The worker will need to fill out the applications and sign them. She can also access respite care through Health and Welfare. The liscensing worker and CP worker should be assisting her as well. There are alot of resources out there if you know about them. I have worked with children for about 13 years and have a lot of compassion for your friend. I am also a foster parent of two very difficult children. Encourage your friend to get the assessments through Infant and toddler and also CMH. They can help her get additional support and services. Good luck and best wishes.

S.

Have a friend take a Love & Logic parenting class. If she can't take a class, have her hire a parenting coach. She'll get tons of ideas on how to loving set limits and enforce limits for these two little boys who desperately need her. There is great information in the library on Love & Logic audio CDs and DVDs.

Have her check out my class starting next Friday. Last one until Fall 2008. www.shellymoorman.com

You're a great friend!

Your friend needs to get in touch with the case worker and ask for a group or some type of support or therapy that she can attend with the boys. Foster care training is a great start but it is not at all sufficient to prepare you for what most of these children will bring into your home. I worked with these kids and the brave families who try to help them for many years, though I do not have any specific recomendations for you because I do not live in your area. Your friend has taken on a 24/7 job that is often times unrelenting. Keeping up a strong support network and getting some daily or at least weekly professional support is key. Good luck to all of you. Even if these children are only with you for a very short time, any positive impact you can have on them will stay with them forever. You can show them that it is possible to be safe and hopefully they will be able to go and seek that in their lives when they are older. But remember to take care of yourselves as well. Fostering is draining and often times heartbreaking. Go in expecting that, and any joy you receive will be a happy bonus!

my brief words are this:
get to a family therapist for a really good advisor!
the foster system pays for it usually.

Bless you and your friend in becoming foster parents, the children need you.

As a former Child Protection Caseworker I offer this advise. Children that are removed from the home are hurting. They may so it in aggression, withdrawl, depression, ect. If they come from a home where aggression was the emotion used to express feeling then that is what they will use.

Your fiend needs to talk with the older child (when he is calm)and tell him there are rules and he will need to follow them. Make a chart so he can see them. Have a set routine on disipline when he breaks the rules. She needs to be firm and control but in a loving manor. She will need to over praise when she catches them being good. These kids are young enough to learn that her home is different than the one they were removed from. They just need the proof that she is there for them. She can and needs to treat the younger one with the same rules and disipline. Being younger he may not understand why the rules are there, but in time will follow them if she is consistant.

She also needs to have good communication with the caseworker. Ask for child couseling, this will give them a place to "play out" there feelings and process them. She can track how they act when they come back from a visit. Just talk with the caseworker, she needs your friend just as bad as those boys do.

Good luck and bless you both!

I have a dear friend who adopted a wonderful little boy. Naturally, he has some anger issues (who wouldn't after 5 years of parental neglect?)... and one thing my friend discovered is the power of touch - whenever he gets out of control she just pulls him to her and hugs him. He responds very quickly - relaxing into the love she is showing him. I was so proud of her for figuring this out! Hope it helps...