Help me out mamas. Is diapering a part of parenting????
Many of you know my child sees her father in a visitation center (DV, and no contact since she was 8 months). We've been going for 8 weeks now. On several occasions she was returned after visit with a wet and sometimes heavy diaper (twice).
Before we leave the house I check and change her diaper, before she goes with the caseworker to start the visit I check again.
Today was different. I had errands to do after the visit and didn't have time to go home to change her diaper and also felt very out of sorts because I do the best I can to get there on time, make sure she's prepared, encourage the visit, and the least I expect is a dry diaper. Just to show he's attentive.
The caseworker was raving about how much fun she was having playing on the equipment and how she didn't want to leave the sandbox. I heard her out afterwards I responded
It's great she's enjoying herself but the visitation shouldn't just be about having fun. Then I said for example. How often is her diaper checked because it's soaked to the point it's bulging. She was caught off guard. and said we don't let guys change girls diapers. I said, he's her father. Then she said well the visit is only for an hour, I said but it's longer than an hour and that's not the principle. Then she said well he washes her hands, I said that's great, but diapering is also part of parenting and tending to a child's biological needs. She said he brings his supplies I then politely said what's the point of bringing his supplies if he's not using them or even checking her backpack for what I provide?
She could no longer justify her oversight (there is no policy in place preventing her father from tending to their child's needs, unless it's in our court order, which it is not).
I did not blow off that she had fun, it's great, however..... I am not letting it go because if common sense if it's not on his mind now, I have to question if it would be on his mind later. Also there is a place for the custodial parent to raise concerns and it serves a well intended purpose in court. He hasn't spent quality time with her since she was 8 months. So it's a concern and not something to be passive towards just because she's having fun playing with toys.
So again, is diapering a part of parenting?
A child needs to be changed when a child needs to be changed. You don't know what the child consumed prior to and during the visit. The point of the matter is the so called caseworker LIED. In their service agreement which I took a moment to thoroughly read it, Diapers can be changed in the presence of a staff member!!!!!
As I stated, she was blindesided and didn't expect me to approach the subject.
I know my child's history with rashes and I also know her father was never hands-on and if he is expected to assume responsibility for her outside the visitation center, then more than playing and having fun must take place and it is the place of the "caseworker" to oversee the visit, and to also address my concerns.
As a parent, whatever concerns me will be brought to light. That wasn't her first soaked diaper.
One hour might not seem like forever to you but every child is different. We leave the house and arrive the visit starts so that is 40 minutes plus one hour. It's not just an hour visit in question.
The bottom line he should be checking her and he has not since visits started, it wasn't on his mind and obviously not on the caseworkers mind that's why she appeared defensive when I questioned her about the diaper and made it known it wasn't the first time.
Some people say let it go. Sure, you can let it go pertaining to your child. That's you prerogative, but I know what the ultimate outcome of the supervised visits will lead to independent visits and I would like to have some comfort knowing he is going to be attentive and not get lost in playing and picture taking.
Thanks to all who answered the question.
Yes, it's part of parenting. But if the visitation centre don't allow fathers to do it for girls (pfft, by the way), then the caseworker, or whomever is supervising the visits should change her diaper. She is an infant, someone needs to do it. Just like a babysitter.
Most definitely! At this point you did the right thing. Just keep doing what you're doing, and if the next time this happens again, call again and say "we talked about this and I don't see an improvement".
It's good she's having fun with her father, but he should also take some responsibilty, if he's not allowed to change the diaper then he should say to the caseworker "I believe she needs to be chanaged, how is this best handled".
I think the real answer here is: yes, diapering is a part of parenting AND it's up to you to make sure the visitation center has their policies in place for the benefit of the child...based on each individual case. Kudos to dad if he's bringing the supplies....it truly sounds as if the center needs to reevaluate their policies! You are assuming he's not doing it....when the fault lies with the center.
But honestly, the visit is one hour long....even allowing for transportation....I can't see how that diaper can get soooo soaked! Most diapers last overnight! Doesn't add up....are you using this as a way to question the dad's parenting skills? Peace....
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think it's probably a good thing that your child has supervised visits with her father.
If you are going to be this critical when he's under supervision, I shudder to think how things would be for him if he wasn't.
The visits are short and supervised. He hadn't had contact with his daughter since she was 8 months old. I understand your anger and/or concern over this, but if he gets about an hour with her a week, and it's been 8 weeks, that adds up to about 8 hours he's been around the child.
Yes, he is her father, but you have to stop and think that it might be uncomforable for your daughter to have a man she is just getting to know checking her pants or taking them off to change her.
He brings supplies. It doesn't sound like he's unaware that she needs diapers, etc. But, if the center has a policy about fathers changing their daughter's diapers, it's the center you should be dealing with instead of assuming that dad doesn't have common sense.
Yes, diapering is a part of parenting, but you'd be surprised how many men who are in happy and stable marriages have never changed a diaper. I don't think it makes them unfit parents.
I mean no offense by anything I'm saying. I just think that you have some bitterness about him coming back into your daughter's life and you are expecting him to cram all parental responsibilities into one hour at a time to prove to you that he can be attentive.
To you, it seems like all he's doing is having fun when that shouldn't be the point.
However, supervised visits aren't fun. Not for the parent being supervised. Watched, judged, possibly criticized for any possible thing.
I DO get the diaper thing from your point of view to an extent.
But, I bet you are a mom who would never let a strange man see her daughter's privates.
Just because the man you are talking about IS your daughter's father, by your own admission, he's been a stranger. He's trying to correct that. An hour or so at a time. If the center doesn't want the liability of being accused of allowing any impropriety, then you will have to go to court and tell them that you are not happy with your daughter leaving supervised visits with a wet diaper.
Maybe the court will change who does the supervising.
Best wishes.
Diapering is part of parenting, but if the policies of the center interfere with this normal aspect of parenting then you need to speak with them about what it means for your child until a solution can be reached. Somewhat wet is one thing. Soaked through for however long is another.
Can they observe him diapering her (they should be observing him anyway) to satisfy both her physical need and their rules? Can the visits be changed so that the child sees him for less time more times per week? Can one of their staff diaper the child? What if she was not wet, but had a messy diaper? What if that diaper exploded or leaked? Would they continue to allow a leaky diapered kid to play in their sandbox (yuck!)? Would she have to wear dirty clothing til you arrived? Would they call you?
Further, what is the policy when, for example, a child is potty training but cannot yet do everything herself and needs help in the restroom? Does that mean visits cease during that time? What if she has an accident after she is mostly trained? Does she get to sit in soggy underpants til you come?
These are all things you should ask them so you know for your and your child's sakes what the parameters are. If their policies do not permit these regular and normal acts of parenting, is there another that would?
If they are only concerned that she had fun, what other things are they not concerned about?
Another point about diapering - it is also an act of nurturing and caring between an adult and child. So having him change diapers is filling an emotional need (she learns to rely on him for her basic needs) as well as a physical need. IMO.
Of course diapering is a part of parenting. However, he isn't being allowed to be a parent. An hour supervised visitation is not being a parent, and he isn't given that opportunity (don't know the back story, so if it's his fault, whatever)...but no, I wouldn't ask him to change her diaper when she's only there for an hour unless she'd had a major blowout.
And I do agree that not promptly changing a diaper is neglectful...I change diapers as often as needed, and that's appropriate...of course, I am with my children 24/7 and no less. (Besides two hours each Sunday, when my youngest is in the nursery.) I really, REALLY don't think this is an issue of him neglecting her needs. He's probably concentrating on her emotional needs, not her physical needs, because you obviously take care of her physical needs.
Good parents change their kids diapers in a timely fashion. Slacker parents dont.
Yes, diapering is a part of parenting.
But just how "soaked" does your daughter get in just one or two hours?
Yes, of course diapering is part of parenting, but I really don't think this is a big deal in the grand sceme of things. The case worker needs to realize that men can change girls ... that's ridiculous! (afterall, moms have to change boy diapers!)
She needs to bond with her dad. She needs positive time with him. It sounds like you said, yeah, yeah, yeah, they played and had fun blah, blah, blah. No, not blah, blah, blah. She had fun with her dad!!!!! She had fun with the person she doesn't get to see that often!!!!! She had fun with a person who you want her to have a wonderful, lifelong relationship with!!!!!
It is disapointing that her diaper was so full, but this is not what you need to focus on. Let it go! Be happy she is bonding with her father.
Diapering is a part of parenting. You are your child's advocate, and should be pointing these types of things out.
I will go one step further and ask the caseworker if, while your child is having fun playing with toys and in the sandbox, is her father interacting with her? I.e., playing in the sand box with her? Playing toys with her? or is he just taking a passive role and watching her play?
Playing with children is a part of parenting also, and like diapering, something he should be learning how to do during these visits.
Do put your concern in writing to the caseworker also - maybe an email or short note recapping the conversation that you had today. You do need a written, paper trail, of these types of things. Casual conversations, after the visit, do not always make it into the case file.
Good Luck
God Bless
You seem to have a strange situation going on here so really what is normal doesn't apply.
Having said that I have four kids and my ex never changed a diaper so maybe even in the "normal" world it isn't expected. :(
Pardon my French but Damn Straight changing a diaper is part of parenting responsibilities! It's easy to have all the fun but a parent also takes care of the cleaning and feeding too.
They don't let males change girls diapers? If you had a son together would he be allowed to change his diaper? Can a female caseworker supervise so he's not changing a girls diaper alone if it's such a worry like how they have female nurses in the room when a male doctor examines a woman? I would look into the reason for the rule the center has and if there are ways to accommodate getting a diaper changed within the rules.
Of course diapering is a part of parenting, but there are policies in place per your visitation center (that I assume you wanted if there were concerns?) to protect them and the children. If there were no issues with this, there wouldn't be a policy in place. They are striving to be above reproach in their attempt to keep children and parents out of compromising situations.
If this is what you want, I think you're on diaper duty. Sorry!
Of course diapering is a part of parenting but if the center has rules and the father is only sees his kid in a parenting center, what are you going to do.
If it were me, I'm divorced as well, I would be happy that my daughter was able to spend time with her father. I would concentrate on that but I am a nut that practices extreme co-parenting even when divorced.
I wonder if he even thinks about her diaper. A friend of mine (who is married to her kids' father) told me that every time she leaves the kids with their dad for an afternoon so she can get some time to herself, she comes home to kids with soaked-through diapers. It's like it doesn't even occur to him that kids pee, so long as it is contained within the diaper. It's a baffling concept to me, because from day one my husband was interested and involved in everything from feedings to diaper changes, but I think a lot of guys just don't get it, or are simply unaware of it. Could you mention to the case worker that she needs to ensure that your child's father changes the baby's diaper as needed on future visits? Make it clear to her that in not doing so, she is exposing your child to diaper rash and discomfort. That's not fair to your baby! I think you're completely right that changing diapers is a part of parenthood for BOTH parents!
yes.. but a child should not need to be changed after 1 hour.
By the time my kids were 1 .. they were changed 4 times a day for wet diapers.. adn of course if they pooped. I did not change diapers after 1 hour.. that would be rather expensive adn the disposable diapers are designed to hold more wetness than that.. the baby goes all night in one diaper and it doesnt leak.. so a daytime diaper should last fine for several hours..
YES it is.If it's not I say it is neglectful not to.She did state that guys aren't allowed to change girls diapers is that her policy or the visitation center policy you need to get that clairifeid in writing & see who can change her diaper if not who is going to pay for the next diaper rash ointment.I didn't look back into your profile to see what the situation is to why the child has to meet her father at the visitation center & i'm assuming it is all surprivised visits so whatever is going on there could also be the reason why he is unable to change the diaper
Absolutely a part of parenting. He is the father and if they only wanted him to be a part time visitor, they should specify that in court orders too...Even if he has to do it supervised, he should at least CHECK it and get the case worker if anything (if a "woman") to do so.
Yes, diapering a non-potty trained child is a parental responsibility.
But noting you're in CA as I am, and having dealt with the social service system in OC and how it works (or doesn't), I have to tell you, they don't care. If there's a place to bring up your concern do it there, but seriously, the caseworker is only concerned about dad and his time with your daughter. Sad, but true.
YES of course it is! That social worker DOES sound pretty dumb. Kids need food, shelter, clean clothes, baths..... and clean diapers! Granted, what you think is 'full' might mean 'once-peed-in' by an inexperienced dad. Doubt this social worker has any kids, or she'd know better.
Um.... YES. The social worker sounds like an idiot! If she had an issue with him changing her then why didn't she?! I'd talk to her superior because this is actually a HEALTH issue. I could understand the dad overlooking it WAY before the social worker.. especially since you say that he hasn't spent time with her since she was 8 months.. and the only part of the visit the social worker raved about was your kid playing with toys? Was dad playing with her? Or just sitting and watching? If he wasn't completely involved the whole time then I'd have to question the validity of the visits.. you kid can play with toys anywhere (especially somewhere where someone is making sure her diaper is changed).
To answer your question, yes, diapering is part of parenting. How long is the visit? You said the social worker said the visit is an hour but you said it is longer, so how long is it? I ask because I didn't necessarily check my kids diapers every hour on the hour but rather got to know their schedule and knew that they might not be wet in an hour after their first morning change but by an hour after breakfast they may be. If he is only seeing her once a week for an hour, he probably doesn't have that knowledge and doesn't realize it unless he's actually holder her.
Also, fathers don't think like mothers even if mom and dad are still together so some of the not checking during the visit can be chalked up to that. Not saying it is right or wrong, it just is.
The social worker does seem ill prepared/informed. I can't believe that she would imply that a father can not change their own child's diaper just because he has a daughter...if it was a boy could you not change him? Makes no sense.
It is possible that she wet just before you picked her up. I do also wonder why you stated you "couldn't go home to change her diaper"...couldn't you also change it there? Not saying he shouldn't change her diaper there but if you have to go home to do it how could he do it there?
Yes, diapering is a part of parenting. A baby should not be left in a wet or dirty diaper when in anybody's care. If the baby needs to be changed, she should be changed there. Saying that moms can change boys' diapers but dads can't change girls' diapers would be discriminating against men/fathers. Go above the caseworker's head and make a complaint. It doesn't matter that the visit is only an hour, if the baby soaks or dirties her diaper in that time, she should be changed.
