My ex and I have a court date to establish child support and visitation for our 9 mo daughter. The problem is that there is no set standard for a child under the age of 3, so what the court will do is let him have her on 1st 3rd and 5th weekends. The problem that I have is that he has only spent 5 hrs with her since she was born and has never cared for a child. I am not opposed to letting him spend time with her, but I being her sole care provider am not comfortable with a "stranger" caring for her for the entire weekend. I want to come up with a do-able arrangement that would keep him in her life, but also make sure that she enjoys the time that she spend with him.
PS Shes going through that stanger anxiety time where she cries when people that she doesnt know hold her.
well after reading some of the posts I feel I should clarify:
He has had several oppertunities to see her- His mother sees her about 2 times a month, and he has only shown up to see her for 15 mins. The bulk of the 5 hrs were when she was 2 months old- he would come over to see her while I was at work. I have made her available to him and he still chooses not to see her. It is really frustrating ( and I do understand the importantance of having her father in her life) that the judge would just hand over a child no questions asked.
I would request that part of the terms include him taking an infant parenting class, taking an infant/child cpr class (you take one too), possibly supervised visits initially.
I understand your concerns as I went through the exact same thing. My ex left when I was 16 weeks pregnant and never been around children, he didn't want me to have the baby. He started having supervised visitation 2 hours twice a week until my son was 7 months then 3 hours every Tuesday, Thursday and every 1st, 3rd and 5th Sunday from noon until 3.
Christmas 2-6pm
Child's Birthday 2 hours if not with ex
At 1 yr old until 18 months- Every tuesday, thursday for 4 hours from 11-3pm and 1st, 3rd and 5th Sunday overnight from 4pm until 9am, which was the hardest thing for me. I think it was way too soon for my son to stay the night.
Father's day- 10am-6pm
18 months-2nd Birthday Every Tuesday and Thursday 5 hours from 10am-3pm
1st, 3rd and 5th Saturday's from 10-4pm and Sundays 4pm-9am Monday morning.
Child's Birthday 2 hours if not in ex's possession
Thanksgiving day 2-6pm
Christmas Day 2-6pm
2nd Birthday until 3rd Birthday
Tuesday and Thursday's for 6 hours 9am-3pm plus 1 hour of travel
(30 minutes each way) 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend beginning Saturday at 11am and ending Monday at 9am
3rd Birthday and forward
Every Tuesday, Thursday during the school year for 6 hours each day plus
1 hour each way travel time(30 min each way)
Extended standard with Thursday overnights and Sunday overnights.
His weekends is Fridays through Monday mornings which HE HAS NEVER COMPLIED..He HAS NEVER COMPLIED WITH HOLIDAYS AND SUMMER AS WELL.
I hope this helps and the best of luck to you.
M.
well, you will surely have to go to mediation for this. It's possible to have some temporary orders in place that can be reviewed in every 90 days or so. It seems that the main thing is to make sure he can keep a child on weekends with having little practice. There are parenting classes he can attend, even with the baby, so they can get used to each other.
Every other weekend is hard. I divorced when my son was a baby and the hardest thing was letting my baby go. Half the time, dad brought him back early because he didn't really know what to do with him.
Your daughter certainly has a right to a relationship with her father and as long as you present it that way, hopefully due to her young age, they will let you all takes things a little slow with check ups in between to see how things are going.
This is tough, I know, but courts nowadays really want children involved with both parents and if he's willing to do the things they ask. that gives you some comfort and he'll be on his toes about doing the right things.
I know a single dad who was awarded sole custody because mother refused to go to any parent workshops, she didn't show up for any of the mediation dates....she lost her kid over it. But that was her choice.
I know you aren't comfortable with a stranger watching your daughter, but he is her father and if he complies with everyting, you're just going to have to give him a chance.
These things are always hard and I hope you figure something out that will work for all three of you.
Best wishes.
I don't know anything about custody, but I'm sending you a hug. This has to be hard on you. I just want to put it out there, too, though, that a lot of first time parents, moms and dads, don't know anything about taking care of a baby, either. He has to learn, just like you did. And if he loves her he will do fine.
The other issue, of course, is her not knowing him and leaving you for a stranger. Maybe it would be a good idea to start spending time together, all three of you, so that she can get used to him. You can begin by having him over while you're there so they can get to know each other, then dropping her off for a few hours at a time so that she can get used to him without you. The ideal would be that she spends consistant time with him in four hour blocks and he has to nap her and everything so that she trusts him before any overnights happen.
I don't imagine you are the best of friends if he hasn't seen her more than 5 hrs. in 9 months, but I think that putting forth this effort might be best for your daughter. Do it before any judge gets involved. Who knows, maybe if he sees how much effort you are putting into it and he sees how hard it is to care for an infant, he won't push for long visits.
Best of luck to you.
I agree with Dori.
He must take infant prep classes and supervised visitation for the first 3 months.
You have to remember that he is not a stranger, he is her daddy. You also, did not know how to care for a child until you had one. Just because he is a man, doesn't mean he does not know how to change diapers, and deal with babies. Men can do exactly what us women do too.
If you feel uncomfortable with him being with her by himself at first, then maybe you can work with him and teach him how you do things, that way, when it comes time for his visitations, he'll know what he's doing.
Also, by doing this, she is spending time with him, so he will not be a stranger to her when it comes time for him to have her. I know your feeling of uneasiness probably won't go away anytime soon, but at least by you "helping him", you are also helping yourself so you will know she is in good hands because you were the teacher.
The judge will not necessarily give him the standard visitation schedule. My order read something to the effect of "unless otherwise mutually agreed, minimum visitation is 4:00 pm - 7:00 pm on Sunday in the custodial parent's home." So, basically, he can see her so long as we can agree to a date and time...but, at a minimum, he has access in my home every week.
My situation is a little different...my ex-husband didn't even bother to show up to the hearing. It was quite easy for me to make a case for minimum set visitation...why should I have to make her available multiple times per week if he is never going to show up? That's the thing, if he doesn't show up...there are no consequences...but if you don't have the child available at the agreed times, you are in contempt of the orders.
Awful as it is, I have said many times that I would have been much better off just getting knocked up rather than getting pregnant by my husband. The courts were only involved because we were married...he never would have taken me to court for visitation.
My ex-husband has only bothered to see my daughter (yes, I said it, MY daughter) 5 times in 2009...so far just once in 2010. It isn't for lack of cooperation on my part...I can't tell you how many times I've offered to meet him near his job site for lunch or to drive over to his side of town (we live about 20 miles apart). He can't be bothered.
It is a good idea to document everything. Visits, phone calls, cancelled visits, phone calls saying he is coming...and then doesn't show. It can come in handy if your orders need to be amended in the future.
It IS important for kids to see their dads--I had a great dad. However, sometimes no dad IS better than a crappy one that refuses to particpate in their life. A dad that makes promises he has no intention of keeping does not build trust.
If you do end up having to relinquish her for overnight visits...be calm, it may not last long! LOL...many men don't make it the first full weekend in my experience. He'll be calling you in the middle of the night for help...lol.
When he does have visitation, in your home or otherwise, you have to stand back and let him do things himself. Or, as in my case, make him do things myself. My ex-husband liked to hand her back to me when she had a dirty diaper or needed a bath or to be burped...I taught him how to do things, but that time was his and I made him take responsbility for her care. I let him have the time to bond with her and only stepped in when she needed to nurse or he really couldn't get her calmed down.
Sorry to sound anti-dad, it's possible he will get used to the child support payments, and eventually LOSE interest in spending time with the baby...they DO move on, us, not so much....my husband would not have been able to handle an infant over night or even more that a few hours, plus, are you nursing? I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's TERRIFYING to hand over such a young baby, even to her own Dad, thoughts and prayers....Still it's important to her to have a relationship with her Dad throughout her life.........I hope both of you (especially HIM) can remember it's about HER needs..
There are other visitation options, including one whereby he would just get her one weekend a month. The visitation can be whatever the two of you will agree - your lawyer should be pushing for the option that works best for you. If you have proof that he has never cared for her (i.e., friends/relatives can attest to such), you should be able to get something different. One option would be for you to suggest he gets to have her all day every Sunday (or every other), but have her home at nite. I was able to get exactly what i wanted for my two teenage sons for their visitation because their father agreed and knew he didn't have any ground to stand on based upon how much he saw them while we were separated. The latter is very important.
odd...visitation for a child under 3 is usually no overnights if you live within a certain mileage or at least it was a while back.
You can agree to a visit but only between the hours of so and so and such and such until THIS birthday...
There is no such thing as "standard" visitation when you have a baby.
Good luck to you.
I would take the advice of the post below and suggest the CPR/infant class and supervised visitation at first. I mean, he needs to know how to change a diaper, how to fix a bottle or feed the child, what happens in case something goes wrong. Does he know how to work a car seat??? These are all important matters. I would not let her go for a whole weekend without you for a while.
