Dealing with Family Gift Giving: How Much Is Enough?

Hi there-

This is a hard balance as you don't want people to think you aren't grateful and/or that you don't want their gifts. My suggestion is to offer the idea of Savings Bonds, savings accounts for college, gift cards to local park districts, etc. I am planning to implement this myself this year so I don't know how well it will go over but I would love to take my child to more classes like swim lessons, sports, etc. but it's not at the top of the priority list. If someone were to pay for the classes, then that might give me the initiative to make it happen plus it doesn't take up space in my house.

Let me know if you decide to implement this and how well it is received. I think it's a fantastic idea and they could even combine it with one toy and/or a book so they can feel like they are giving something.

Good luck!

It's so funny how many of us face the same dilemmas! I have to face this EVERY time I see my in-laws, which is usually once a week. They give both my girls toys and money each time we see them. Don't even ask about birthdays or Christmas! This has gone on since my first one was about six months old. I have always worried she is going to become demanding and materialistic. So far she hasn't. My three year old is sooo used to it, she doesn't even play with the toys. I think even she knows it is too much! I don't have a great relationship with my in-laws so I have never talked to them about it. They would definitely take it the wrong way and it would create a huge fight. The only way I can deal with it, is I give the toys away monthly - I usually have a big bag. I keep what the girls actually play with and donate the rest. My mother-in-law has noticed that her gifts are missing and I just say they must be floating around somewhere. I know they mean well, but it would nice if they just stopped to think about the message that they are sending to a child.

IF you do speak up let me know how it went! Good luck!

Hi,

I just wanted to share that I am a mom of 3 girls (2 in highschool and my oldest is in her last year of Loyola. My girls got almost everything that I could give them. My parents (God rest both of their souls) have almost 40 grand and great-grand children between myself and 9 other siblings. With so many of us in the house at one time my mom and dad gave us as much as they could. We never went to bed hungary or looked bad in our clothing. We all had to share 2 per room within our house. I have many nieces and nephews that i SPOIL to death. If I have the month that is extra I am the one Mom/Aunt that gives the children within my family almost anything they want.

Grand parents are suppose to spoil our children they see the children as a part of their own child when they were young (you). Myself would not take it to seriously that they want to spoil your son. I think that i would very much hurt the Grandparents feelings if you were to make them stop. They love your son.

My nieces and newphew and my girls dont have my parents here to shower them with kisses let alone gifts. All we have is the memory of them.

I dont want to upset you or any other member but I know what it is like to be told NOT to give your neices and nephew things, it hurts.

J.
www.noahsarkworkshop.com/jodigilbert

You may wish to establish an educational savings account, 529/Coverdell or other, to fund your child's future private (grade/high)school or college needs. Check with your financial advisor on programs and request information on "Bright Directions". Presented with enthusiasm, your family members will be happy to contribute to a worthwhile long-term goal for the benefit of your son. Good luck.

Hello
This one was one of the hardest things to do, not on our part but for the rest of the family My mother in law was a big brat about it. It has been a couple of years and things are way better now. For Christmas we started by requesting books and only books I would tell everyone what the children were into at the time and everyone actually enjoyed giving the books We now have an awesome book collection and our children love books. Then the next year we requested gift cards and a christmas decoration or something special to put away, they all have a large supply for later in life but everything is special and has meaning behind it. So we went along like this for a few years until last year I wrote everyone a letter and said as a family we had discussed it and the children truly wanted for nothing and if anyone really needed to give a gift would they please take that money and make a donation in the childrens name. It was great The only ones that gave the children anything were the grandparents but they only small gifts. Everyone else made donations to all sorts of charities. It is really hard people think that money is what gives happiness but boy does it make for a messy unhappy home when you have to much stuff that no one plays with.
For the childrens birthdays I put out a request that if anyone wants to give the children a birthday gift that gift needs to be a special day out with that person quality time one on one for one afternoon or no gift at all. A card in the mail is a cool gift for a small child.
I hope this helps it is a long road but it makes a huge difference in the way a child looks at the holidays.

It depends on how flexible your family is....

We have gotten into the habit of buying our kids the toys and gifts we want them to have (and getting them at sale prices) and then keeping these in a closet "for sale" to relatives who want to give them a gift. The grandparents can come and "shop" our toy closet and we ask them to only spend half the money on a gift and the rest goes into a college fund. They all like it becuase they know they are getting things that are appropriate for each kid, there is no stress of shopping, and all they have to do it wrap it!

Good luck!

We have a simialr problem. Let me know any good avice you receive!
K.

I know how you feel. We had this problem too. We also have a problem that we live in a Condo and don't have room for everything. What we did is let every body can buy one outfit and if they buy a toy it must be eductional only. And if they want to spend more money then they can donate to there college fund. We have done this for 4 yrs and my kids don't miss every ssingle present. My 4 yr old has learned this too, she just had her birthday yesterday and asked my mom for Veggie Tale bandaid only. It is hard, but you have to stick to your words. My husband and I told people that if toy that is not eductional, it had to get our authoirzation (say baby dolls) or it goes back to the store. I hope this helps.

N.

Dear L.,

I tried to fight off the gifts myself. Let me tell you, all I did was hurt people's feelings. That's probably why you feel uncomfortable to even ask them to stop. I have come to realize that it's just not worth the fight and to offend them by suggesting cash gifts for college. These people love your son and want to give to him and that's OK. Gracious acceptance of gifts sets a good example for our children. The valuable message here is to teach your son to give also. Once a month we go through his toys, box up the excessive and donate them. When playmates come over and really like one of my son's toys we offer it to them to take home. My son gets alot of pleasure out of continuing the giving cycle and my tiny little ranch is still busting at the seams!

Warm regards,
M.

P.S. Need any toys? :)

You could, conversationally, let your family know that you have set up savings or college accounts for your children and request that instead of toys they contribute to your children's futures. You could also request books in lieu of toys as well. Most family members are well meaning and don't realize the message or impact that buying excessive toys has on your children.

Hope this helps!

I could have written this same thing a few months ago! lol
My In-Laws would buy gifts for EVERYTHING!! They would get stuff for birthdays, christmas, valentines day, easter, st. patrick's day... you name it, they bought a gift!! It drove me CRAZY!!
Finally I told my hubby that I was going to start sending the stuff back to them, and he spoke up. He simply told his mom that she can buy for birthdays and christmas, and that is it!
Good Luck with your situation!!!

Hi L.,
We have a similar issue at our house. My daughter also almost 3 years old, is the only child in the family. Therefore she is extremely spoiled so to speak. We set up her college fund and now when her birthday/holidays roll around I pick a few things that she could use and tell my family that if they would like to do more then can write a check to her college fund. This way they can watch her open their gift and they still get to spend whatever they want. I also opened up a savings account for my daughter and took her to the bank with her piggy bank and explained to her what we were doing. Now she gets really excited to put money in her bank, because she knows when it fills up she gets to go to the bank and in exchange for her money she gets a lollipop. My mom sees how excited she gets to put $1.00 in her bank so now they make sure to give her some cash instead of an extravagent gift just so they can watch her run to her bank and make that deposit.
I hope this was helpful.
P.

Hi L.,
I would have to agree with the others who have suggested the college fund or savings bond ideas. I also agree that it can be a highly sensitive issue. If you feel you are going to really hurt some feelings then maybe you can just start teaching your kids early about sharing and donating. Every time they get new things they can go through the older toys and pick out some things to donate to charity. If your family tends to ask for gift ideas around birthdays or holidays then it would be easy to suggest the college fund or something like that. You could just make sure to tell everyone how honored you and your children are by their generosity but you are running out of space to house all the toys and would they mind horribly if you made some other suggestions when they want to give something. I think time spent one on one is priceless, depending on your families' locations and what type of relationships you have with them. If your children spend time at any of their houses, it is also a good idea to keep some of their toy gifts there to play with when they visit. I like the ornament idea as well, since that was sentimental to me when I left home and started a life of my own and had all the ornaments from each year of my life to decorate my own first tree. I guess it depends if you like to collect anything. Books, as gifts, is a very popular idea and reading is the best gift you can give to/do with any child.
Hope you work out a solution and let everyone know what happens!!
D.
www.pronanny.net

L.,
When I was young, my mother told her parents not to give me too much. I don't know the exact words, of course, but they honored my mother's wishes. No matter how awkward this situation is for you, I want to remind you that you are the parent(s) and once you let them know your wishes, stick to it, if you need to. Then you will clear the air. Who knows? Maybe your relatives will be happier too.
Amy

Oh my goodness..I thought it was just me! I think it has to do with our daughter being the first grandchild on my husband's side of the family. During my pregnancy, I actually sent some stuff back to his mom that has been returned to me recently because I'm pregnant again! Many times my mother-in-law would purchase things just to show off. This really burned me up! I don't really know what to tell you except...I'm glad I'm not the only one! :-)

I would like to tell you what our family does for all the kids. My parents and grandparents get the kids bonds and cd's for all of the grand kids for birthdays and christmas. I set up a savings account for my two kids and asked my ex and his family to put money in there instead of buying presents. I recently just set up an account for my nieces and nephews in their own names. They don't see me get them presents but when they turn 18 I will give them the book to the account. I am not sure if you have an open relationship with your family members, if so just explain to them. Other wise, here is an idea. Every time they get him a gift of money they could get a small toy with a card stating they donated money or they got a savings bond. We made up our own cards for our family. Now my kids know that santa and mommy gives them presents. I don't know how you could word it. Maybe I gave you some ideas. Most people are understanding and don't even realize what they are doing until someone points it out. I can tell you that I was nervous about telling my ex's family about they understood. I do allow their dad to buy them toys, but he choose not to send money or toys that often.
B.

Hi,
I know you already got a lot of advice, so I'll keep mine brief...
I would suggest something we do in our family sometimes, is that we buy a group gift for our child. Usually it is something really special that is more expensive, but we know will be appreciated and better that a bunch of small gifts, like a nice Schwinn bicycle for my son, from us and my grandparents, or a time my brothers and I bought an American Girl doll and some of her things for my daughter's birthday. Then the child feels special, and you can feel like they got something really worth while, without going overboard.
Gretchen

Ask for savings bonds. My parents have always given my children a savings bond and a small gift ( a book, a small stuffed animal). It's an easy way to start saving for when the children are old enough they will really appreciate it. Right now your child won't even know the difference. Get something done now though before it's too late and yuor child EXPECTS all the "great" presents.