Dealing with the Loss of a Grandparent

Dear M.

I am sorry for the loss of your father. Seven years ago my father in-law passed away and he had lived with us. He actually was able to spend time with our two daughters day in and day out. The girls were 10.5 yrs and 8 yrs old.
Now they were not as young as your daughter but the closesness may be compared.

I let the girls talk about Dad as much as they wanted. My husband and I went out a bought them both a teddy bear as an anchor. We told them the bears were from Grandpa. (You see my father in-law passed away a week before Christmas) These bears were helpful as when the girls got sad we told them that Grandpa wanted them to be happy with their bears.

So my advise is, when she is up to it let her speak about her feelings towards him. Let her say she misses grandpa and judge the amount of time necessary because 4 year olds need to live for the moment and the days ahead. You can show her things you and he did together when you were a little girl. Your Dad is going to remain alive through your stories. He can never be forgotten. She will be curious and can't wrap her head around the Grandpa is in heaven but she can learn he is happy and suffers no more. My prayers are with you and your family. Time is your friend. Take it day by day. Grieve and in time it will be more tolerable because it is something we all need to experience and cope with.
All the best. S. K.

I'm sorry for your loss~
We live in a society that is uncomfortable with expressions of grief, fear & anger.
Allowing your own expression of sadness is setting the best example for children of any age.
I would just explain that mommy is crying because she misses her daddy.
You may also find a bereavement group helpful at some point.

I understand how you are feeling as I recently lost my father on my mother's birthday in March. My dad talked to me before he died and was counting on me to help my mom out with all the finances, which is something that I know all about. I was completely overwhelmed and I began taking it out on my own family. I was yelling at the kids and my husband and they were all being so patient with me. I finally said to my husband that I need to see my doctor. He gave me a low dose of medicine that has completely helped 100% and I am no longer taking my anger out on them and am coping much better. My daughter was 6 when grandpa died and I tried my best to explain to her what happens and that he is around us daily. My son is 2 so I didn't really need to explain anything there. My kids are watched by my mother so there is a daily reminder that he is not there. Every now and then my daughter will tell me that she misses grandpa and I say so do I and then that is it. When she brings things up, I try and explain them as best as I can. First and foremost you need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your family. I hope some of this will help you. My prayers are with you and your family.

i lost my dat january of 2007 my daughter an neice were 3
they did not go to the wake but were at the funeral
i explained to her that grandpa lives in the clouds with god and he can watch her play all the time now. she talks to him which is hard for me sometimes, at night when we pray we pray to him sometimes and my dad had this annoying thing he did he would kiss us in the ear so sometimes she asks for a kiss from grandpa and i do
i also printed some pics of my day like 4 to a sheet some where of him at my wedding and some of her and him and they are hers to play with
if you have old photos scan them so she doesn't ruin the originals. just let her express herself

J.

So sorry about your loss. We went through this with my mother-in-law last summer. It was very hard on my husband and his family did not handle the loss well either. Just answer her questions simply. Try to think of happy stories when they were together. Let her know just how sad you all are and it's okay to feel sad. Maybe making a "grandpa garden" or planting a tree for him might be helpful. Good luck!

M.,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Adults recognize grief and are able to express their feelings easier than young children. You are such a good mom to want to help your daughter through this during your own time of loss.

I learned (when my father passed - and my daughter was very close to him) that grief goes in cycles for children just as it does for adults.

With a 4 yr old you can expect her to have some regression type behavior (bed wetting, thumb sucking, baby talk). It's important to just help her through that. You can help her by providing opportunities for play - that is how they express themselves at four, and allow her to express as much as she can. It will also help when she does begin to communicate if you can help her put a name on how she feels (sad, confused, mad).

Answer her questions as honestly as you can - just give her the answers when she asks, not too much information or more than she is ready for.

She will likely cycle from chaotic behavior to sadness to organizing some of her feelings and then cycle back to the beginning again - each time being a bit easier.

I am not an expert - just been through it too.

We all grieve very differently - it is a unique process for each person, adults and children. It is important not to set a timeframe on it - for yourself either. Don't let anyone tell you or your child 'they should be over it by now'. Allow yourself and your daughter to grieve in your own timeframes, however long that might be.

hugs

W.

M.,

Would like to say that time will make things "better" ~ BUT it won't - it will make things DIFFERENT. I was very close to my father when he suddenly passed from a heart attack in 2001. Our youngest was then born in 2003 ~ She is now 5 and has seen many pictures of him and our other children and him with my mom. She asks about him regularly and prays to him, knowing that he is her special angel and that she is mine.

Although I am saddened that he never got to meet my 'little angel' I know that I was blessed with her following his death and can tell her all the good and happy times we shared. The best thing I can tell you is talk it out, let her share, and you share old photos, stories etc. It will help YOU, her and your family. Best Wishes.

It is difficult to lose someone you love at any age! I agree with one of your responses regarding pictures. Copy some pictures and allow your children to make a small scrapbook to remember their grandpa by. So whenever they are sad, they are able to sit down and remember him. My son and his grandma walked in on his grandpa who had passed away. My son was five years old at the time. We simply tell him that whenever he thinks of his grandpa to look up at the sky and the clouds and say hello to him. And every once and awhile even now 4 years later, I hear him saying hello to his grandpa. I also agree with other moms who say to be completely honest with the children about death. Our deceased loved ones do not come back and my kids understand that even though they may not understand where the people go. Each day is a new day! And dealing with grief hopefully will get better with each day. I lost my mom when I was 22 years old. My kids are always asking about her and they call her grandma even though they have never met her. Kids just want to know! Take Care!