Death of a Grandparent - Modesto, CA

Hi, Sorry about your loss. I know how your son feels. My Grandfather passed away from a heart attack when I was 4. He was only 50. I have only very small snipets of actually memories of him. That was 24 years ago. My family has always talked about him and we all have pictures of him around. My daughter even asks about him (she is 5) because he is still so alive in our life. Just keep his memory alive, with pictures and stories. Your son is very young, he may not retain actual memories, but will remember because of what you tell him. As for the hospital, Maybe get him a book about going to the doctor, and I think there are childrens' books about having surgery. This might help him that his daddy is going in for something very different and that a hospital is associated with many things. Gook luck.

A very cute thing that my friend did after her dad died (daughter only 2) was that following holiday she had asked everyone to record their favorite memory of him on a video camera. They went in a room by themselves and told their story. Then one of her brothers (computer guy) made a DVD for each of the family members. He scanned a bunch of photos of his dad, w/ and w/out the rest of the family. He added music behind the stories and pictures of some of his favorite places (like Arby's). He ended it with some pictures of where he died and the funeral. As morbid as that sounds, it did provide closure for some of the family, and really was done very tactfully.
It may cause only synthetic memories (ones that only exist because of repetitive viewing or hearing), but it will give him something to see and feel more connected as he gets older. Besides, I’ll bet the entire family would love it, just like my friend’s did!

As to the second part of you question, either prepare him by talking constantly about what dads going to do, or don't tell him until dad is already done. If your Hubby is just having a minor procedure, than just tell him you guys are going to work or on a "Morning Date" or something. Have someone else babysit him, while you go with your hubby. A 3 year old at the hospital, with a worried mom, is just a recipe for disaster. When you come home, say you had to go to the hospital so the doctors could fix Daddy. If you choose to tell him, still use a babysitter, but tell him before you go that you're taking daddy to the hospital for the doctors to fix him. Talk AND listen to what he says. He may tell you exactly what he's afraid of, so you can talk it out.
Hope it helps, -J

3 is really young, they do not understand death. He knows that mom and dad were sad and something happend to pamp, but thats about it. Tell your son, dad is going to the hospital to have surgery and he will come home as soon as he is better. and that he is really lucky to have good doctors and we are happy he is getting this fixed. Take him on a litte tour of the lobby or halls if possible and past the gift shop and make it seem really neat. Then when you talk about it at home to your husband, watch what you say and the tone you use, kids listen to EVERYTHING! and if you act worried or say "I hope he doesn't think the same thing is going to happen to dad as did to pamp" he will think it.
As far as memories, I don't know, how much do you remember from when you were 3? Pictures are wonderful as are stories told over and over, that is the best way to honor pamp and keep him in your child's life

Hello D.,
I do scrapbooking in my spare time and a good way for your son to have great memories is to make him a special scrpbook just for him and add his memories along with some of your own in the book and read it like a story, you never know it may become his favorite story because it was made with love and has his grandpa in it. You can take the pictures to walmart or Costco and have them coppied so you dont have to use the originals. Also have your son help with a couple pages in the book so he feels a special link to the book. (your never too young to scrapbook) Micheals craft store has alot of stuff, walmart also has alot and kid kits too.
Hope this helps I know my kids love our family scrapbooks and then when they see the pages they made they feel special too.
V. N.
mother of 5 They Lost their very special grandma (my M.I.L) 3 years ago this march and still talk about her memories. I am trying to convince myself to make a scrapbook of her for them but I haven't been able to as soon as I see her pictures I freeze up and my brain shuts down. She was a special lady.

I think your expectations about how much of the situation your 3 year old took in may be unrealistic. Most children that young don't really grasp the concept of death unless they see it - a pet dies or they find a dead bird in the yard - and we, as parents, usually overreact to their seeming obsessiveness and in the case of a pet will try to buy a replacement to make it better or if it's, as I mentioned, an unknown animal like a bird in the yard we become upset with what we see as their "morbid" curiosity. I'm assuming that your son didn't get to see his grandfather in the hospital and that if there was a viewing you would not have taken him given how young he is. This makes death an abstract to your child - it's an idea with no physical evidence to support except that his grandfather is no longer around. You, on the other hand, were able to go to the hospital and I would assume were present for all the usual ceremonies associated with a persons passing which gave you several opportunities to come to terms with it and help you begin the grieving process. Your son misses seeing and spending time with his grandfather - don't doubt that - but unless your father-in-law lived with you and had specific places/items that were only used by him in your home (bedroom, easy chair) which are now "empty", your son will probably only show signs of missing him when something or someone reminds him that there was this other special person in his life who is no longer there, that's when I agree a scrapbook that he can help you with would be a good idea. I also think you should make putting it together a fun and happy time - for those things that were special between your son and his grandfather that there are no photos of, take him to the craft store and look for stickers depicting those things and then maybe write a description of why it was important or what made it special. The DVD idea is good too, but I don't think your son would be able to appreciate it for a few more years. Since you are worried your son may associate a hospital only with bad things like sickness and death (you and your husband were probably very stressed or upset every time you went to see his father and even if you tried to lighten it up for your son, kids pick up on these things), you might want to find books that explain how hospitals work and discuss how doctors and nurses are good helpers when you're sick or injured such as "Clifford Visits the Hospital" or "Franklin goes to the hospital" - or my children's favorite - Richard Scarry's "Busy Busy Town" which just makes the hospital another interesting place to visit with helpful doctors and nurses along with the post office, gas station, etc.

My oldest was 4 when my father-in-law passed away. He had been ill for years and cared for at home. We live in a different state and she had only seen him a few times but was aware of who he was, so when we went back for the funeral and she walked into the bedroom and he and the hospital bed, oxygen tanks, tray of medication, etc. were gone, she had a pretty good idea that he hadn't just gone to run an errand or visit someone. At 13 she doesn't remember many specifics about him which may be a good thing because his health was failing fast by the time she was born, but she has photos of his entire life which included some things that were before our time like when he was in the Army, wedding, as a new father, a farmer, and then there are the things we were there for and we include photos of those - even some showing him in failing health, but most of all we are able to share our memories of him.

have your son tell you stories and you write them down for him. you can make him a nice scrap book, or journal with his memories so he can always remember.

Hi D.;

This is a hard one, but your child will deal with this and come to you when and if he needs to. You and your husband just need to wait and let him come to you. I know how hard that can be, but my sister when was the same way when our grandmother passed away in a hospital as well, but we just let her come to us and let her talk about whenever she needed to.

As for when your husband has surgery just make sure to let him see his dad after surgery, most hospitals will allow him to see him if you let them know ahead of time about your situation and that he can see that his father is ok and that sometimes the hospital is a good thing not bad.

I hope that this helps!!!
W.

Hi D.. We went through this recently too. My mother died in August this year of cancer. My children visited at the hospital and have memories of her being not quite herself. Looking and acting quite differently. And when she passed, we were concered the littlest one would think she was really still just at the hospital.

So I did share with him my own spiritual views and so on. And this seemed to help him get a handle on what was happening and "where did grandma go".

But I think you're right about the memories. And I think the answer is not to worry so much about your son's actual memories of his grandfather, but to talk about him together and share good memories together now. Tell stories about things that happened when you were a little girl, about how Grandpa was so proud when your son was born, etc. A special gift from grandpa, a special family time together.

Make sure family photos are available to him. You could gather copies of pictures together and put it in a pile that he can find on your desk or table. And when he asks "what's this?" you can say you were going to put them in a keepsake book (heavy on pictures including grandpa) and would he like to help?

While you work together, tell him about each picture and what was going on when it was taken. It's a great way get talking together.

Dear D.,

Maybe he is not associating the hospital with death, he just wants to know where it happened. Children that young do not really understand death, but he does miss his Grampa, so maybe if you would talk about Grampa more, and set his pictures up around the house that will provoke memories. Or sit where Grampa used to spend time with him, and read to him or show him an album of pictures of the whole family having fun together, stuff like that. Who knows how much he will remember, but I do think that we remember things that are emotionally important to us. So make sure that his emotions about Grampa are warm and comforting. Give him a family 'job' to do that Grampa used to do, like say the prayer or whatever you decide, you get the idea.
Sincerely, C. N.

First I'm very sorry for your loss. I also recently lost my own father (he was 48) in Octoberand my oldest is 5 and I have another who was4 months at the time. As to keep the memories I'm not sure that I can be of much help but one of my cousins helped me explain the situation to my daughter by telling her that she can not see her grandpa that doesn't mean he's still not looking after her. She told her that her grandpa is her very own special guardian angel who is looking down on her from heaven. (I'm not sure what your religous view are but I can tell you that we are not religious in any way.) but my daughter now tells her grandpa good night and good morning every day. This seems to have helped her and we talk about him all the time. I'm not sure how she'll remember him or what of him that she'll remember but she talks about him and will ask me if I remember so and so that she did with her grandpa and it makes me smile and happy to know that for now at least she remembers. I hope this helps.
T.

D.,
It sounds like you're already doing a great job with him. The fact that he's asking questions when he needs to is a really good sign. I learned from child grief specialists that the most important thing with kids is to use correct language when talking about death and be as honest as possible. Saying things like "gone to the sky" or anything euphemistic can be really confusing and scary to the literal mind of a child (ie. when he gets on a plane for the first time and goes into the sky he could be scared or expect to see his grandfather...you get the idea). As far as helping him remember, it also sounds like you're doing a lot - talking about your father-in-law as your son grows up, telling stories about him and sharing good memories, looking at pictures - those are all the things that are going to help him remember. He's so young that his actual memories may be fuzzy but you will strengthen them with all that you're doing. And as far as your husband going in for surgery - just keep talking to him about it as honestly as you can. He may not be that worried about it or his concerns might come out in unexpected ways. You might want to see if you can find any kids books on hospitals/illness/surgery that you can read together to help him get comfortable. There are lots of grief resources on the internet if you feel like you need more specifics. I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

D.,
Sorry about your loss. Well, a couple ideas that I had was first of all.. keep talking to your son and telling him all of the great times that he had with his Grandpa (even if he does not remember them). Tell him if his grandpa used to hold him or read to him or anything like that.

The hospital thing... see if you can take him there with some stuffed animals or flowers and visit people that you may not know and show him that sometimes people are here just because the doctors need to help them and he could help cheer them up. Or have him draw a picture for people in the hospital to also cheer them up.

Good luck!

B.