Death of Grandfather

Hi W.
Sorry for the loss. At age 4, death is not something thatshe should be too consumed with- I would simply tell her that "special angels" came for papa and now he is not sick anymore. As she gets older and ask questions about death you can explain more details- chances are she will remember the "special angel" explanation more than any other.
good luck and blessings

One thing that we did was to plant a tree in each grandparents honor. We planted their favorites, each on their birthdays and the boys still go out there on their birthdays, Fathers Day's etc to "pay their respects", tie a ribbon around a branch, something that they can do special "for them". One grandfather loved golf (we live on a course) so he goes out there on his birthday and puts golf tees around the trunk. This way they are able to express love and sadness whenever they'd like and it gives them a PLACE to be "near them".
I am sorry for your loss. It is a huge loss for your daughter....

When I start Loss and Grief groups with my young students I usually start by reading The Fall of Freddy the Leaf. It is a story about the life cycle of the leaf. It addresses death as a part of the cycle of life and it leads you into being able to talk about death in a comfortable way and insert your own religious opinions if you want to. It is my belief that any death should be addressed in an age appropriate manner and never ignored regardless of how young the child is. My regards...

You say you are a spiritual family then you shouldn't have any problem explaining to the child that her grandfather went to live with God and she will see him again someday. That's very simple and children understand simple things.

You don't say if you are going to the funeral or if they were close. Children are pretty resilient. You might do a scrapbook page of her and her grandfather during times they were together and give it to her. Let her know that she can still talk to him and that as long as she remembers him, he is still with you all in spirit.

Talking with little kids about death is often hard, but they will have pets etc. who will go on to meet their maker and it is best not to sheild them from it and to let them know that everything dies - that life is a cycle from birth to death. I don't think you have to tell them Papa is in heaven or that he has gone to be with God - unless those are things that are naturally discussed in your home. The circle of Life from the Lion King talks about the progression and is certainly spiritual without being preachy.

Mostly what they need to know is that YOU are going to be OK and so are they. That most things, pets, people -live long lives. There are several good books that are good for teaching about life and death with children. One of them is "The 10th Good Thing About Barney" (at least I think that was the title) and it is by Judith Viorst.

So sorry for your loss.

I, too, am more spirit and less church. I'm not clear about your request, though. Are you trying to figure out how to explain death to her and what happens after? Or are you trying to comfort her feelings of loss?

Depending on what your actual beliefs are and what you teach your daughter, you might just share with her that Papa's body was sick and couldn't go any further but his spirit now has no boundaries, and she can now speak to him without the telephone. You can put that into whatever words you need to use for your daughter. It might sound kind of heavy, but at 4 years old, she should be able to understand it; and it's still vague enough for her to feel her way through what it will mean to/for her. (It doesn't lock her into a boxed-in belief that leaves no room for growth.)

I'm sorry for the loss to your family. I wish you all a healthy recovery.

Sorry for your loss W.. I wasn't sure from your post what the question is... Are you looking for suggestions on how to talk about his death with her? Or, looking for ideas on how she can pay her respects?

W.,
I am sorry for your family's loss. My father, our Papa, passed away two years ago and it was the hardest thing to tell my 2 girls....6 & 10 at the time. One of the things we did at his funeral, grave side, we realease 2 balloons to heavan to reassure the girls he was there. To this day, my little one..takes any balloons we have left over - writes a note of them....and up and away we send them.
We just did it about 2 weeks ago, again.
It gives her a way to say hello when she needs it. They were VERY close and she still cries about him.
Best of luck and peace be with you all.

It may be possible to just say that papa is with the angles now and will always see he from the sky. At age four that may be all she needs to hear.

Back when my father passed away my daughter was 3 1/2 and was very close to my father. I read in an article by Dear Abby that you should not take a child to the funeral or explain death until they are over 5 years old, so we just never said anything to her and my in-laws watched her while we attended the funeral which was held out of town. I regret that decision to this day and my daughter is now grown and still says I should have never done that because even at that age she still remembers always wondering where her Papa had gone. I think it is important to sit them down and tell them that Papa became ill and is now in heaven and go into being with God and the angels. We did this with my granddaughter and she is always looking up at the sky and telling us her grandfather is up there and there is a peace within her for some reason and she accepted our explanation. We also explained that we all die someday and how lucky we will be to go to heaven etc. etc. They need to know this and even know about this with pets. You don't want them to be traumatized in some way even if it is a small way. I think 4 years old is old enough providing your child seems mature enough for a 4 year old to handle it. We still talk about my father all the time and he has been gone for many years so we always keep the memories alive. I am sorry for your lost.

Hi W.,
It was a bit unclear whether or not your daughter's papa has already passed or not. If you are dealing with a grandpa who is ill and you don't expect to be around much longer I would say take the time to go and spend a week with him along with Shelby. If he has passed I would say it is important to keep his memories alive! Let Shelby see pictures, movies, old childhood pictures of him and continue to talk about him. My son lost both his grandparents within one year of each other. My father passed 3/2008 and my mother passed 5/2009. It was devastasting to say the least. I too had my only son later in life I was 41 and it was important to me that he knew his grandparents who also lived in another state. I am a SAHM so it was easier for me to plan yearly trips to see them and mom had come to visit a few time at our home. The other day my sone asked why I was crying and did I miss my mom...I said yes and that I hope she is happy and having fun. He said, " I wish she was here cause I need her." I asked why he needed her, and he responded, " Becasue I need a hug from her." I was sobbing it was too much for me to even respond. All I could do was hug him and tell him I'm sure she would love to hug him but I'd give him one instead. I try contantly to talk about her and to show him pictures. He knows she is no longer here on earth, because I allowed him to attend the funeral even though he is only five, I wanted him to have some closure. Well, didn't mean to detract from your situation, I do know where you are at in this and hope that you all will keep papa's memeories alive for Shelby. I am both spiritual and will attend a church, although I've not found one I wish to attend in the five years I've been here...so I will pray for all of you.

Best Regards,

Hi W.,

My husband has no family left and all of my extended family lives in another state. When my kids were 2 1/2 & 6, my mom passed away. We aren't big "church goers" but we do believe in god and have a spiritual connection to him.

We talked to the kids about grandma being in heaven with god now (which they kind of understood)and that even though we wouldn't get to "see her in person anymore", that grandma was able to watch over us and could be a part of our every day lives.

Of course they were sad at first but they quickly accept their loss as they felt as if grandma was now their "guardian angel." My older daughter seemed to get a lot of comfort from this thought and it helped her to make it right in her mind. (Since we lived far away, my mom's passing didn't phase my younger daughter as much.)

When flew back to San Francisco for my mother's memorial(a simple church service and a luncheon with all of our family and friends) my husband and I decided that on our trip we would take the kids on a "tour" of some of the places that had special memories for us or meaning to my mom. (Like showing them the house where she was born, eating at her favorite restaurant, visiting places that we used to go to together, etc...) We even took them to Lake Tahoe and made a "snow grandma" aka lady snowman, complete with one of my mom's big hats, her scarf, her sun glasses, earings and fancy buttons for her eyes & nose. I cut out a pair of big red lips from some fabric and placed it where the mouth would be. She was just beautiful! The kids and I really enjoyed putting our "snow grandma" together ~ making sure that she had my mom's special style and flare!
(We took pictures as it was quite a memorable experience for us all.)

Later on that evening when we were coming back from an early dinner, my 6 year pointed up at the night sky and said "Look ~ Grandma Vicki painted the sky for us! We all looked up and saw one of the most beautiful sunsets that we had ever seen. Huge swirls of pinks and blues covered the night sky like a giant canvas ~ it was just breath taking. We watched as the sky grew darker as it turned to shades of lavender, then into deep purples and blues. What a sight! My mother was a wonderful artist and poet, and to my daughter,(and to us all) this was her grandmother's way of saying "I'm here with you."

It's been 8 yrs. since my mom's passing and the kids are growing up and we're all busy with school and work, but to this day, everytime that we happen to look up and notice a beautiful pink and blue evening sky, one of us will
always say "just look at the beautify sunset that grandma painted for us tonight" and know that she's there; watching over us. ******************

I guess what I'm trying to say is, talk to Shelby about your dad. Let her know about him; about the things he liked to do and the places that her liked to go. Talk about your memories and about special time that she had with him even ~if it was only when she was a baby.

Since you are into scrapbooking, think about you and Shelby making a special scrapbook for her to keep about her Papa. Let her pick out some pictures and decorations to add to the pages. Jot down some special memories or captions on the pages and really make it a special time for the two of you.

Things like this will help to keep his memory alive and continue to keep him in your hearts. It will also help you to deal with the loss of your dad.

We always get so worried about how our children will handle the loss of a grandparent and we forget to let ourselves greave for our beloved parent.

I found myself crying now and then in the shower months later and realized I hadn't really greaved for my mom. I guess I thought that I was pretty well adjusted and that I had everything under control. My brothers and sisters seemed to all be taking it so hard, but it just didn't seem to hit me in the same way. But when it finally did and I was able to "let go" my wonderful husband was there for me and was so very supportive.

I'm sorry this was so long. I hope that you are doing well through this difficult time. Please remember to give yourself permission to mourn the loss of your father (when you are ready to do so.)

Take care. Sincerely, AL