Deployment's Affects

I am an Army Mom of 4. My husband just returned from a 16 month deployment in Jan of 08 and is about to leave for another real soon. The first thing I always tell myself is God will never give me more than I can handle. I may think at times it is more but I get through it. The second thing is time is not standing still for anyone (even though it seems as though it is) so This To Shall Pass. The very real thing that happened to my husband at the end of his last deployment was a gift from God. When we thought all was lost because it had been so long he found a coin that said This To Shall Pass. It is now our family moto. Dont show the stress you feel to the kids it will make it worse for them and mention daddy in praying often. God hears prayers and brings them home safe. I know this to be true. God knows that I could not live without my husband and brought him back to me safe.

I too would like to thank you, your husband, and your daughters for the sacrifice you are all making. I am not a military wife but I am a family therapist. You don't say how old your girls are or how much longer you are going to be on your own. If there isn't much time left (< a month) you might not want to do anything about the sleeping arrangements until after your husband returns. If you have more time, I would recommend finding a way to transition them back to their room. Start a special routine that helps them feel in charge. Maybe they can start out sleeping in the same bed in their own room. Let them sleep with you as a treat only. I also agree with previous suggestions to get the girls to help around the house and to take some time for yourself. It's important for you to be rested so you have the energy to handle those things only you can do. I know the Army has some great resources. I wish you all the best.

First I wanted to Thank you for your sacrifice!! As a military wife of 22 years and mother of 3 I too have been there. Early in our marriage I had a choice, suffer thru the many deployments or make a plan to celebrate those times. Before children I used that time to volunteer everywhere. I didn't have any time restraints because he wasn't home waiting. When my children came along, I included them in doing things that were special while daddy was gone. They became traditions that my children even began to look forward to. We went to restaurants daddy wouldn't have enjoyed. We had food (fish was not my husbands favorite) so the kids loved having it when he was gone. During the holidays instead of missing him so terribly we tried to do for others. We volunteered at the food shelters (my youngest twins were 3 and still helping the stack shelves). It gave my children strength to know they were helping others. I tell you the time when by much quicker. Today my children are older and when I hear them talk about their experiences it isn't about the lonliness and sadness but the special opportunities we had.
Try and grow during this time and share your strength and courage that I know you have and your children will aspire to be like you and to be proud of their strength and accomplishments. Good luck and know that others are proud of you and appreciate your support to your husband as he does the toughest job in the world!!

Sounds like you need a little time for yourself, (ha I know, you probably knew that...right?) But I am serious. See if you can find a way to get your hair cut...nails....or just spend some time at a coffee shop reading or something, kid free for a little while, I am sure that you know someone, even if family is not nearby to watch your girls for a little while. Taking a breather makes you feel much better and everybody needs it sometimes. Hang in there, its so cool that its the home stretch!

HI A.,

I feel for you. My husband is currently on his 5th deployment. Keep in mind that every deployment is different and you and your girls will handle each one differently. Our children are now 11 and 14 and I think this one is the hardest for them. It is important to know that it is OK to take time for yourself. Use the 16 hours of free childcare from CYS. You don't have much time left, but good to know for next time. Find the girls a weekend activity that they enjoy - you and your husband will appreciate the alone time when he comes back! You didn't say how old your girls are, but I'm assuming they are in elementary school. Even now, my kids like to sleep with me. This is only allowed on non-school days. Parents need sleep, too, especially when we have to do everything by ourselves. Unfortunately, depending on their age, your children may be manipulating you. It's understandable. They miss their Daddy. It can be difficult to find a balance. It's OK to let them know that you miss Daddy, too. You do nice things for them and you also need to do nice things for you. Have a "spa" day. That's what deployment money is for - preserving your sanity! You need to be able to enjoy your husband when he comes back, not dump everything back on him right away because you are burnt out. He feels guilty about it, anyway. Good luck and Happy Homecoming! L.

You are in the home stretch.... At this point in our 15 month deployment (we went through 2 or 3 extension processes - so we were actually in the "home stretch" a couple of times only to extend...) we were all tired and that is where you are. It is hard to look forward at the days ahead when you are tired. If there is anyone around that can watch your girls, take a day of pampering for yourself. Even if all you do is SLEEP it will do wonders for you. It may help to make lists of things you have done and accomplished over the past 11 months - that will justify your tiredness and then you can prioritize the few things that still need to happen before the big day.

Good luck!

T.

I am not a military mom but I wanted to thank your husband and your family for your sacrifices for our freedoms! Thank you very much! Do you have any family or friends that could take the girls for a weekend so you could just have time for yourself, to do something you want to do. Not cleaning the house or doing the laundry but something you want to do. Maybe even just an afternoon to go to the movies, take a nap, read a book. The other thing is can the kids help out around the house with household chores? Some delegating chores may free you up so you don't feel so much like your doing it all. God Bless and best wishes!

Hi A.,

Sorry, I have no advice for you but just wanted to say "Thank you" for all that you and your family do for this country!

God Bless,
R.

Hi A.!
You're almost there. I'll tell you what has helped me. Having the support of other moms in the same situation is a tremendous load of my shoulders. I've been attending weekly meetings on post just for women like us. We eat a catered dinner with our children, take them to free childcare and meet back up to discuss the chaplain's selected topic. We Army wives are able to share, cry, ask questions--whatever is on our hearts--in the safety of our group. Some topics of the past have been: keep busy, call on friends, remember your promise, throw a pity party, accept a helping hand, find yourself, be prepared, be realistic, etc. I don't know what I would have done without this group. The ladies are all so wonderful, the chaplain and his assistants truly care, and the environment is always very relaxed and comfortable. Share if you want or just listen and grab some pearls of wisdom! The chaplain that started this fantastic group just for us is a Godsend. Feel free to write back so I can give you the info if you're stationed in the same location as I am (I hope!). Keeping OPSEC in mind =)
It's about time to start making the banners, signs, cards and goodies for daddy's homecoming! I like to get the kids ready by letting them plan what we would like to do when dad comes home. Your local ITR office has plenty of brochures to plan a family outing at good prices. Grab a few to browse. I'm glad your hubby is on his way home soon, hopefully in time for Thanksgiving!

I don't know the age of your children, but if the right age have you considered getting a "Daddy doll" for each one. My daughter considered this for her 2 when my son-in-law left the last time. This next deployment (it will be his 3rd in 4 yrs) will be harder on them as they really know daddy now and will miss him all the more (they are 3 and 4). They can go to bed with "daddy" and give him hugs. She got him a pillow with all their pictures on it which he could go to bed with at night. Sounds corny but after a particularly hard day and the phone/computer center was down (which happened frequently) it can bring comfort. she also joined a gym that provided child care and eventually got a job there. This was her time for herself, meet some new friends and got her out. She sometimes just sat by the pool and slept/read. she would then go get the boys and get in the pool with them. Also if you live near a base that has deployments, do they have a program for the children? most do have something for them to help handle the stresses and worries, esp. when the parent at home has the same concerns and more. God bless the husbands that were home, they offered (a couple of times) to keep all the children and let the moms go for a girls day or evening out. The dads enjoyed it, the kids loved it and the moms were given a much needed break. God Bless you and give strength. I pray he will be safely home soon.

We had it at about month 9 1/2 in a 13 monther. It just gets old. You will make it though.

We made up a little song at the 100 day mark sung to the 99 bottles of beer/pop on the wall
100 days of deployment left over
100 days of deployment
go to bed, wake up again
99 days of deployment left over

We made our paper chain at this time too. It started off being a chain for 365+ days but that was just too long.
My kids each have a Daddy Doll, that helped so much.
We also slept in Daddy t-shirts.
I make chicken a lot. He wont' eat it.
I also go. I go to museums and restaurants. I go bowling with the kids and I go home to Chicago. We have girlscouts and cubscouts, soccer and baseball, numerous highschool activities. Basically, we keep busy.
I went to his moms without him and I went to his family reunion.
We sent packages almost every week.
What I did was make a life for myself and the kids without him. It's sad to say but with him home it was almost more difficult. He didn't know the routine and wanted to be with me when I needed him to pick up some slack and take one of the kids to an activity.
My hubby retired from the Marine's Sept 1 but took a job in VA so he is now on an employment deployment. At least they don't shoot you in VA for going to the bathroom.
It's almost over. We took a trp to Disney after the first deployment. That was something the kids could look forward too.