Seeking Advice on Kids and Deployements

Hi J.,

On Sesame Street's website, they have a free Elmo DVD on deployments. Also, the army has a Family Readiness Group for support. They do lots of get togethers and activities for the moms and kids while the husbands are deployed.

Marci

I have never been in your situation, but my husband was in the Army many, many years ago before I met him, so I have a special place in my heart for military families, and am very proud of all that serve. Even though our son never saw his dad in uniform, he wants to be just like his dad,an Army Guy,when he grows up. You have a lot of great advice from these moms, and I don't have any of my own, but I was very impressed with all that Michelle R. wrote. She gave some great tips on how to stay sane, and I especially love the idea for the dolls. Thank you and your warrior for sacrificing to protect our country and our families. Take Care.

While my husband was never gone for a year straight, he spent 200 days a year, for 4 years deployed, with training and other trips on top of that. He just got back from a 6 month training stint. The best advice I can give is to be very open with your boys about what is going on. Let them know that Daddy has to go and "fight the bad guys" (as we say it), but let them know that he is very brave and VERY good at his job, and does everything he can to keep you all safe. After the first week or two is when it will start to get hard, but as time goes on, it will be a bit easier when it comes to every day life as you settle into routines. Try to keep as much structure for you and your boys as you can. Make sure to do as many fun things as you can, maybe bowling night every week, or movie night on Fridays...something positive for them to look forward to.

If you are able to connect with your husband over the internet, that is an AWESOME way to keep in touch, otherwise, enjoy the time you have when he can call. Keep pictures of him readily available for your boys (if you can frame one for each of the boys to have next to his bed, that can be really nice). Your local family support center has programs to help you keep in touch. Your husband can make videos for his kids, reading to them, talking to them...one of our good friends had several videos made, he told the kids how proud he was of them in one video, and in another he was very stern with them, telling them to behave and that they were to listen to their mother and that he supported her 100%!:) for instances when they were less than angelic.

The family support center can also do things like put pictures onto pillowcases, so the boys can have that comfort, too. The guys LOVE getting mail when they're deployed, so something that is always nice is to set aside special time at regular intervals for the boys (and you) to write to their father....letters, stories, add pictures...any number of things, and it is WONDERFUL for everyone, and helps keep everyone feeling connected.

***A really important issue is to make sure that, no matter how hard it is for you to talk about it, make sure that the boys always feel like they can express how they're feeling about the deployment, whether they are scared, mad, lonely, etc. HOWEVER, having said that...my daughter (who is now 6), while she is very sensitive and missed her father terribly, also learned (as kids do) that this could be something she could take advantage of. If she was in trouble for something, or something wasn't going her way, she would tear up and say "I miss my Daddy." It broke my heart at first, until I realized what she was doing and I had to be very firm and tell her in no uncertain terms that it was okay to miss daddy and be upset, but taking advantage of the situation was NOT acceptable. DO NOT be afraid to call your kids out. You are going to be the good guy and the bad guy for a while now, and you have to maintain a balance, otherwise, life can get out of kilter very easily.

** Another little note, something else that gets thrown out of kilter when your spouse is gone is child rearing and discipline techniques. Since your kids are a bit older, you probably have fairly set methods that you and your husband have worked out, but be prepared for challenges that you have not faced before. If an issue is raised with one of your son's friends that might come up with your own son, talk to your husband in advance if you can and get his input on how to handle the situation, so that he still feels like he's included in the parenting. If you have to handle a surprise, do what you think both of you would agree on, and then talk to your husband about it when you can, asking for his input. There will be things that he will simply have to accept when he comes home and is fitting back into "normal" life again, but that transition will be much smoother for him if he feels like he has been involved, even though he's far away. It will also be easier on your relationship, because these separations are hard on the most solid of marriages, and you have to nurture your relationship the best you can, despite the obstacles.

I know that I have written a very LONG note, and I apologize, and you probably know much of this already, but I had to learn all of this stuff on my own and it was incredibly difficult, so I hope I can help others as much as I can. If you have any other questions, please feel free to let me know! Best of luck to you all!!!

I just wanted to send you and your family my appreciation. What a huge sacrifice for all of you. I hope your husband is back home before you know it. Hugs to you!

Just went thru my first deployment with my new husband and my 2 boys-5 &7. We have a calendar on our fridge that we color in each day that he is gone, with a big red circle around the expected date of return. He tries to call as much as he can, and we have our webcam dates so that he can see me and the boys. I let them help me put care packages together, which they loved putting their pictures or some school work in, to show that they have been working hard too. Every time we see someone in uniform, the boys yell "That is Gerald's buddy!" They are so proud of him. Although they have times when they act out because they miss him, or have a hard time understanding the time concept, for the most part, we have been able to make these few things work. Oh- and individual attention. My boys crave attention now that there is less of it to go around. You will make it thru- good luck!

I've read the responses you've gotten, and there's some great advice there. Nothing I can really add, other than to emphasize - please do not feel that you are alone! In Colorado Springs, you have loads of base resources, plus many other families who are experiencing or have experienced what you are going through. Reach out and find them now, before he's gone and you are feeling overwhelmed.

We're a retired Navy family, so I know where you're coming from, and will keep you in my prayers.

P.S. - Since you live in a heavily military area, your sons' schools may also have access to helpful resources. Let their teachers know what is coming, and ask now what help they have available for your kids.

the one thing that I have learned is not to put an actual date down for expectations of when they will come home. It changes so much, which is hard enough on the spouse but dreadful for the kid...I have worked as a key spouse, I am not sure what the army calls the program but I know they have one, so get involved in a spouse group it can be a great support. also there is a hearts apart program where when your spouse is deployed they have monthly activities for the families of the deployed members--I am pretty sure the army has something similar to that as well.
Definitely use your chaplain, and make sure your kids have summer activities when out of school, it's harder to get too depressed if you are busy--but not so busy you get drained, it's such a hard balance finding but we keep trying. :) my dh is gone for a 6 week one right now, but in May he leaves again for 6 months. My dd is just turning 3, so at least your kids are old enough to talk about their emotions more. My dh was gone last year for 6 months as well this time is much different because she is already able to communicate more. I think it helps we talk about missing dad and how we have hard days some days.
I use therapy for myself so I don't go nuts and also make sure I get a few hours a week where I get a break because all the parenting alone is hard. So be gentle with yourself, get a support group in line and you guys will be fine. No it isn't ever easy--but we get through it! and if you need anything...well I can be part of the support group too if you want.
C.

You already have lots of good advice but I just wanted to add one thing. My husband reads to our boys every night before bed & they would have really missed that so we recorded him on video reading stories ( a few different ones) that the boys could watch before bed and it was great.

Keep to routine as much as possible, check out what the base has to offer with help and let friends and family help when they can. Make time for yourself that is vital. It is hard but you can do it. We just got done with this and both my sisters in law are in the midst of it.

Best of luck. My prayers are with your family !!

I am a little late in responding, but I wanted to say thank you to you, your husband and your kids. Getting through a deployment is definitely a group effort. My husband has been deployed for almost 7 months now, are we are looking forward to seeing him again soon. My kids are much younger than yours (18mon and 2mon) so I don't think I can give you any good advice on them. I am here is you ever need someone to talk to you. Thanks again for strength and sacrifice.

I could give you 2 of my nieces email address, that could help you out on that. One niece is a stay at home mom and her husband has been deployed already, and the other niece she and her husband were both deployed, and her sister and my sister (the grandmother) took care of her 3 kids while they were gone. They however were not gone for more then 2 months.
Let me know if your interested. My email is ____@____.com

My husband is a truck driver. He's been driving locally for a few years, but in his first training he was gone for 5 weeks (our kids were 7, 5, and 3). He's now driving OTR again and is gone for several weeks at a time. (Kids are now 10, 7, 5). Don't know how much my experience will help because it is sort of different.

At 8 and 5 they aren't really going to understand the full extent of "daddy's going to be gone for a year." They will know that he's going to be gone for a long time, though. My kids gave their dad some things to remind him of home and we got a map of the country so we can find where he is. We call him regularly (I don't know how possible that will be for a military deployment) but you can write to him as a family. Let the kids write and draw for him.

The big thing is that you are going to have to be prepared too. Your boys are probably going to regress in behavior. Be prepared for them to act more immature, and be extra patient with them. They are likely to act out more to get the extra attention. Let them know that you love them, and that their dad loves them. They may not be able to put their feelings in to words (especially the younger one), so you need to help them put a name on how they are feeling. It's ok to say "I miss daddy too. But I know he loves us and he'll be back in a few months." But they also need someone to be strong and stable for them. There will be times when you are feeling like you're about to break down. Don't lean on your boys for the support you need. Call someone else - a parent, a friend, etc. If you need to, arrange for the kids to visit grandparents (or another babysitter) so you can have some time.
I know it's tough to be without your spouse for a while; and it is challenging for children too. But kids are generally resiliant and, with some support from you, they can do OK.

I wonder if there are children's books on the subject of Daddy having to be deployed? When I was a kid my Dad was in the Army and when he was TDY as we called it my mom would talk about where he was and we would come up with stories about what he might be doing, but that was in peacetime so you may not want to do that if you are really worried or nervous about what he may have to be doing. Of course the storeis have nothing to do with real life, in one of ours my dad flew his helicopter up to the death star! Another good idea is to have him read some children's books and record it on a tape recorder or a home movie, then the kids can have a story from daddy every night before bed. Now days the technology is so much better that he can still write the children e-mails and call on the phone or even see each other by web cam so do as much of that as you can. And talk about how great it will be when daddy comes home again, and admit that you miss him too but you know tha the will come back as soon as he can. Good luck and God bless your family!

My own husband is not military but I live in a military town and have lots and lots of friends with deployed spouses. My kids go to school with kids where they live with someone else because both parents are deployed so I have a good idea how rough and how awesome it can go. We also volunteer with our local Army National Gaurd unit weekly and my son shoots with the guys once a week for his shooting team practice.

Lots of cards, letters, get a camera for your computer so you can video IM which will help a lot. Don't whine to your husband is one of the biggest complaints husbands have. Your husband has a very stressful job and when you talk/write nothing but how hard it is for you that takes his attention away from his job. It makes it really tough for them. It's okay and welcome to ask for back up but if the oil needs to be changed just go get it done, if there is a home repair that has to get done before he gets back pay someone else don't make him feel bad that he's not there to do it. If the kids have been cranky, get a sitter and do something for yourself, don't withhold but really make it seem to him like he is missed and needed but not guilty for being deployed.

For kids the video IM is awesome. They love it in most cases. Other things are daddy dolls that are really popular around here. They have a photo of dad's face as the doll face. They are dressed in a uniform and they can go anywhere with the child. Many children have found comfort in them. Even boys love them as they are not girly dolls at all. One family we know has dad read a bunch of stories and put them on DVD. Then dad can still read a bedtime story every night like always because it's not always possible when he's driving around in his Hummer to call.

Things that will make your hubby more comfortable and will help the kids feel connected are to send a care package at least once a month. Beef jerky, granola bars, packets of instant cereal, pencils, stickers, newspapers, CD's, DVD's and toiletries. Don't be afraid to add some feminine hygiene products as well. Most boxes get shared among the entire group as some soldiers don't get boxes from home. The pencils and stickers are a favorite treat for the children overseas or so the soldiers in our unit say. All the soldiers are on the go all the time but they like to stay in touch and music and movies make them feel at home.

A woman in my quilt group made a handprint quilt for her husband, yes it's cold in the desert. He loves it and hangs it behind his desk in his "office" everywhere his "office" goes. She wrote a love note in one block and the kids drew pictures for him in the other blocks along with handprint blocks. She reports that all the soldiers really enjoy the touch of home.

Another poster mentioned behavior. There will be behavior but just be consistent and you will be surprised. If you handle this deployment well, they will too.

If you need resources for the dolls and quilt making let me know. I'd be happy to help.

I was with my daughter while her husband was deployed. I stayed two nights and three day's. I know it was hard to have me move in but it was helpful too. If you have anyone that can help, go ahead and let them. It will give you a break and another adult to lean on. I think he was gone for 20 months. Looking back I think it was harder on the boy's than either of us were aware of. So, I guess I would say try to communicate with them and hear what is going on in their heads. All that quiet talk that they are not saying outloud. The first thing their 8 year old said to his dad was, Wow, dad I sure am glad you did not die! We were not even aware that he had that feeling and felt so bad that we had not helped him express that to us. They alway's seem to know more than you think they do. Don't they?
It would be nice if you could find someone that will mow the lawn for you, and remove the snow if it is 6" or more. Give the boy's thier chores and let them help you get through this.
I am sorry I know this is not much but, I was going through it as a mother in law not a wife. I know my daughter would talk to you she works for Military Source One and can really be a wonderful support. Please e-mail me and we can exchange phone numbers. That way you will have someone to talk to. K. K.

http://deploymentlink.osd.mil/deploymentTips.jsp

this is a great website for support for families during deployment. All military forces now have wonderful support services for the families. Immediately contact the support services office or the chaplain's office and ask about programs offered for you and the children. The military has become increasingly aware of the strain long deployments puts on the family remaining home and you'll find help available.

take care, S.