Depressed About Losing My Sister and Baby

So sorry to hear all this! All I can say is people grieve in different ways and for different amounts of time. It is not up to the world how long you are allowed to grieve, so take as long as you need!

Hi Jaimee -

I applaud your ability to recognize your needs - so many people going through the grief process do not. If you are not already using it, I would recommend Five Flower or Bach Rescue Remedy. It helps the body balance on an emotional level while dealing with life on a mental, physical & spiritual level.

I hope your in-laws respect your need for time to grieve. I too experienced a miscarriage - many years ago, and some days I will remember and smile for what might have been. I also know that a miscarriage occurs when the soul of the child decides it is not ready for a physical incarnation. There is nothing you did wrong or could have done differently to change the outcome - it was that little soul's choice - free will and all...you know.

Blessings to you and your family,

M. M. Ernsberger
Holistic Healthcare Practitioner
Certified Master Hypnotherapist
Certified Herbalist
Certified Life Coach

If you live anywhere in the Phoenix area, I highly recommend becoming acquainted with Southwest Institute of Healing Arts. While it is a healing arts school, it offers so many healing modalities that can be useful in so many ways. They provide numerous clinics with very affordable fees in a wide variety of modalities: polarity, cranial unwinding, Reiki, hypnotherapy as well as a wide variety of massage. While all could be useful, I would recommend trying three polarity sessions first. If after three you dont feel better, try cranial three times. (I suggest 3 of each because every session is different, and 3 or more would give yourself the opportunity to see if it resonates with you.) Their website is SWIHA.org. This school can offer the support you need to cope with the losses you have had. They also offer a free program on the first Friday of every month, Gifts and Graces, at 6:00 pm that many people have found to be life-changing. Blessings to you.

I am so sorry for your losses. So many losses in a short amount of time are too hard for anyone to be able to handle alone. I will be praying for you as you need the strength of the Lord to be able to be the mother and wife He called you to be.

When I get depressed, I find that I want people to feel sorry for me and go out of their way to fill my empty places. I have found that it doesn't work and they will let me down every time.

Do you like to journal and/or scrapbook? Making a scrapbook for each loved one that died might be helpful as you can re-live some fun memories. Then you can share them with your kids. They need to know how awesome your sister was, as well as your other loved ones. As time goes on, you will find that the happy memories will soon outnumber the sad ones. You can journal about losing your baby as you don't have so many memories. You can also write about what you did experience in the pregnancy - how you found out you were pregnant, how everyone responded, etc. You can also write down what hurts the most.

I'm glad you are getting counseling. That is a huge step that a lot of people feel they don't need. Now you must do what it takes to not be a burden to your kids and husband. Do not discuss your sadness with your kids. Pretend you are doing well. The actions will soon be followed by the feelings that you really are happy about the blessings you do have. You have 4 wonderful kids. They need to know that you are so blessed to have them. They need to see you laugh and dance and play, etc. You need to show them that sometimes we have very sad things that happen but that you must always be thankful for what you have. Don't lose this time to enjoy your kids.

You will need to grieve, but do it in private. I used to have a little pity party for myself in the dark in my room when I lost my dad. I'd think of all the things I was missing and all the lost dreams for the future, etc. I would let the tears flow. Everyday, you can find a time to grieve and pretty soon, you will feel less and less of a need to get all those tears out. The tears will be cleansing. Then you can wash your face and put on that smile because you have a lot to be happy about.

Are you feeling that you are not honoring your loved ones if you are happy? They don't want you to mourn their deaths forever. Your sister, I'm sure, would want to see you enjoying life. It's okay to laugh and dance and enjoy your husband, etc.

Do not take out your sadness on your inlaws. They probably are not evil people. They need to "get on with life" because there is a lot of life to get on with. Don't look for things that they are doing to give you the excuse to hate them and avoid them. They want to help you so most people will want to treat you as if you are "normal." Trust me, they know the pain you are going through. It must be hard for them to see your pain and not be able to do anything about it.

I used to struggle with my mother-in-law because she was an easy target. I could find all kinds of things to criticize her about and the sad thing is that I told it all to my husband! I am so ashamed by that. How awful for me to criticize the people that my husband loved the most! Now I look at things through their eyes and have come to love them like my own family. My mother-in-law is not perfect but she does not do anything to hurt me intentionally. She is just from a different generation, different culture, etc. I started by going out of my way to be nice to them and then the feelings followed. I wrote my inlaws a letter thanking them for going out of their way one time to help me (even though I could find all kinds of things that weren't that helpful) and I added how thankful I was for the way they raised their son. Ever since, they have treated me incredibly well. It is hard sometimes to be nice, but it honors my husband as well.

My anger subsided every time I looked at the positives that my inlaws brought. It is no fun being angry at people, especially when they are still happy. I was the miserable one and I couldn't make everyone else miserable with me. And really, I didn't want everyone else miserable with me. I just wanted to be happy like them. Now I choose to be happy.

Talk to your counselor about why you dislike them so much to see if it is really warranted or if you are looking for someone to direct your anger. Because you must be angry for losing so many loved ones! You have been dealt a lot.

I currently am going through a lot of stressful stuff right now, but I can tell you honestly that I am not stressed by it very much. Unfortunately I have been through so many hard times that I have learned how to get through without letting the depressed feelings linger very long. I have chosen to look at my blessings and not try to find answers to the "why" questions. Some questions just don't have a good answer. Or I assume the reason is to make me stronger so I can be a better wife and mom.

Also, I do what I can to try to help others. It takes my mind off of my situation and gives me a better purpose.

If you'd like to email me, feel free. Maybe you disagree with something I've said. That's okay. We can discuss it. Or maybe something I've said doesn't apply to you or doesn't make sense. Talking things through with someone, even by email, is very helpful to me. I have an email buddy that has been instrumental in helping me through the difficult times.

Peace to you through this difficult time. You will come through a stronger person and will be able to help your family when they go through tough times. Think of the animals in the zoo. They are pretty wimpy as they don't have to fight for their food or deal with the difficult things out in nature. You aren't made to be a wimpy person. You are being strengthened and fine-tuned. You will be an amazing woman with so much to offer others!

Jaimee,
I am so sorry for your losses. Losing someone is such a tragic feeling of loss and pain. There is a group called Compassionate Friends that is a national support group in dealing with the loss of a child. Or do you belong to a church, they might be able to help you too. Or even your doctor. I lost my 6 yr old niece in an accident 10 years ago and found that going to a support group really has helped. The pain will never go away unfortunately but you do have the memories and feelings of love to keep you going. I wish you the best.

Jaimee,
I am so sorry, and, admittedly, stunned for your many losses. With what you've endured, I would think that railing against the entire world would be understandable. It pains me to think that your guilt about your response to your in-laws is causing you to feel worse. *That* is one part that can be cast aside without dishonoring your grieving process.

I'm not a counselor and have never dealt with such tremendous grief as you must be facing, but I do have at least a bit of experience with how to manage the personal conflicts. In particular, I took a course called "Crucial Conversations" (great book, btw, and even available in audio form for busy moms). One of the strategies is to "Master my stories." By this, they suggest asking oneself why a reasonable, sane, caring person would say, ask, or do what he or she did. You omitted "the long story" but admitted to feeling angry as a result. Please don't think I'm being flippant, but *sometimes* asking yourself that question that requires your brain to puzzle just a bit can eliminate or at least reduce the singe. It allows the rational part of the brain to regain control before the flight or flight side does even more damage. "If they really cared about me, WHY won't they stop this incessant socializing and making me feel guilty for not participating?" Maybe your in-laws are trying to help reduce your pain, but are flailing and making it worse. They may not truly be "back to their lives" but are instead putting on a strong face in an attempt to help you. By focussing your own attention on the positive intentions rather than the failed outcome, you might gain at least a tad bit of solace. And, this might help you maintain the composure to request a social respite without stoking any fires.

Again, I cannot even fathom your pain, but hope that you find at least a glimmer of hope soon.

Best,
S.
p.s. I was married on 24 Aug 91. Did we, by chance, marry on that same full-moon day?

Everyone goes through the greif process differently. So hooray for you and tring to seek help. As for the family they will never truely understand what you are going through. I lost my son two years ago to non immune hydrops he was 32 weeks gestation and delivered by c section and only lived for a few minutes. I had a really hard time my family was supporting and great but as time went by they slowly stoped bringing it up or even wanting to talk about it. It hurts me because I think about it alot especially with his birthday just passing this July 28th. Iam sorry for your loss but you just need time. Time doesn't heal everything but it sure helps. I hope your family understands when you dont want to move on quite yet. You need some alone time! My prayers Are with you. S.

If you are open to natural healing, visit TATlife.com. It is an amazing thing that is so quick and helps so much! One of the testimonials was: "A young woman came to see me hoping I could help her get on with her life. She felt stuck and depressed since four years ago when her friend died of a drug overdose...She thanked me for giving her her life back. I could not get over how different her face looked." It is worth looking into if you are still struggling. Please feel free to contact me if you are interested in learning more about how this can help you! I have used it and it worked for me! Good Luck!

L.

I am so sorry for you. It's tough isn't it?

About his family... Can you just step it back, without entirely cutting ties and causing problems? Take a balance between spending a lot of time (you dont say what it is that you/they do, what is entailed in "taking a break" so if this applies....) Make sure you have time & space to heal but still do the (occasional) things that allows them to feel you acknowledge and are involved with them.

This, too, shall pass. In the afterlife, families can be reunited.

Meanwhile, here is a great big hug for you!

{{{{{HUGS!}}}}}

You have made a big wonderful step. Getting counseling. Going to what works for you. You have a dump truck load of grief. Stay where you need to stay and let the chips fall. You are the only person who really knows what you are going through. Your children and husband need all of your emotion you have left over after such a loss. If you are a Christian read Psalm 91. God is crying with you as you hurt and He wants to comfort you. God Bless,

Jaimee,

I couldn't begin to image the grief that you are going through. I have never had to deal with a life experience quite as tragic, but I have had things in my life that have been very difficult. After a lot of traditional counseling that was somewhat helpful, a friend turned me on to a different kind of therapy. I had never heard of it before but it definitely works! It is called energy therapy. Our bodies apparently are made up of energy that flows around us and sometimes the energy can get stuck and, as a result, keep us stuck in our negative emotions. There are a couple of different ways of getting this energy unstuck. One way is by using EFT (emotional freedom technique), another way is rapid eye movement therapy, and probably the best way is just going to see someone who is trained in energy healing. I personally see a wonderful woman named Kate Johnson.
This is her website: www.HealsTheHeart.com
To be honest, I was a little skeptical at first because I was raised in a very strong Christian religion which I am still a member of and I wasn't sure if it went along with what my church teaches. But after doing a little bit of study, I remembered that in the scriptures it talks about light and the light of Christ. Light is energy and we are made up of light. (There are several references if you are interested). I see energy work as one of God's tools to help heal us when we are stuck. He wants us to be whole. He wants us to be happy. He does not want us to suffer. Man is that he might have joy. I truly believe this and that you need some joy too! God loves you dearly as his daughter. Give energy therapy a try and see if it can help you on your path to being happy and whole again. Good luck!

If you feel so strongly that you need a break, then you must need a break. It really is not your job to make sure they are OK right now. You need to make sure you are OK. Are there other members in your support group who has struggled with such a thing? Maybe they have advice or ideas that can help lessen the intensity here. Really, though, I think it is counter to your own best interests to feel so strongly that you need a break, and then tell yourself it can't happen because other people would not be supportive. I've done this sort of thing in the past, and it has always come back to haunt me. Find a way to get what you need and do your best to communicate that you are still dealing with a lot of grief. Then let it go, and do what you need to do for yourself. Wishing you well in these tough times,

V.

Jamie,
I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I know what pain like that is. My husband and I have been married 5 1/2 years and in that time, we have lost a total of 5 family members. His granddad, then my father, then his father, then my brother and finally my grandmother. This has been a long 5 years. We have a blended family and have had to explain to the children each time and help them grieve also. For me, I have learned to show that I hurt when I hurt and talk with my husband about being so sad about my family that has passed on. My husband it a wonderful man and tries to help and encourage in any way.

One of the biggest things that I can say that helps is to go to a pastor or just attend church, read the Bible and listen to Christian music. You have an emptyness in your heart and soul, it will never be healed by anyone here. You have to put your faith into the Lord to help you through this. I know that it sounds cheesy, but soon you will have a sense of peace. You are still here living and that is what you have to do. Your children need you and it is important that you teach them that you can move on from things that are so sad and hurt you so much. This is totally healthy. Yes you do need time to grieve, but you need to heal too.

I still get sad thinking of my lost ones. I just think of good times and look at a picture or two and cry for a few and then give it to God and move on. That seems to be the best way for me. As I sit here today telling you this, it would have been my dads birthday today, and he passed 4 years ago. I didn't even get to tell him goodbye. Believe me, it will get better, give it time and give it to God.
God Bless
W.

Hi Jaimee,
I forgot to mention your miscarriage. We have had several in our family also. My sister carried one of her babies to 9 months and it died though she had to carry it about 3weeks longer after it die as the doctors didn't want to induce labor. I am sorry you are having to go through this too. That is a great loss and a great time of grief. You take care and remember our wonderful Heavenly Father loves you so much and is there every moment of the day for us.
Praying for you,
B.

Jamiee just wanted to tell you that I am praying for you and your family stay strong and God will guide you threw...

R A

If "taking a break from his family" would cause problems, they surely are not much support. How about your husband stepping up to the plate, and at least acting as a buffer, allowing you time to recoup/adjust, find closure etc? Where is he in this picture? You have this support group and counseling, but hubby is not mentioned. (He isn't among those other two lost family members is he?..I apologize if he is) Again, where is he in this picture?

I am so sorry about your loss! I also know how hard it can be to have the understanding of the in-laws as you go through the stages of grief. My mother, a single parent, died when I was 17 and I was also separated from my siblings. I got married and pregnant that year, so my husband's family just, for lack of a better word, "absorbed" me. It was like I was so much part of their family that my other life never existed or something.

I know they meant well, maybe trying to keep my mind off of things that can never be again or accepting me into their family, but the grief process is a very normal and necessary part of eventual healing. I understand that they were obviously not as close to my loved one and would not feel as strongly about it, but I still needed the space to feel how I felt without being told to "just get over it" becaue they were all over it so soon. That was a shock, considering the in-law who told me that had also lost her mother at a young age and had a miscarriage a few months later, too. I certainly expected a bit more understanding, at least from her, so at that point, something changed in me toward them.

As a result of feeling that my grief was not welcome there, I completely halted the grieving process, which stunted my ability to heal and effected my relationships with his family for quite a while. I still have lingering upset at times, and this happened over 17 years ago.

I suggest that you get into counseling to go through this process with support and the encouragement. You will never forget or ever be the same, but you can be at peace eventually if you get the right help. This will help you in the times that you do need to face your in-laws, because the fact is that they are your family now and aren't going anywhere, so you need the tools and strength to deal with them when you are around them. That will only make it worse and make more hurt between you and them, and they are the ones who are living and you will have to interact with in the years to come.

Even though they are being insensitive now, you don't want to then offend them back by completely cutting them off. they will not understand this and may then retaliate, causing an ugly downward spiral.

Release them from any expectation of understanding or supporting you, seek that support elsewhere, and then you can freely interact with them at the times that you must and love them through their insensitivity as you would expect them to love you through your grief. This will get the attention off of what they do or do not do to or for you, and free you to use the energy you were spending on being hurt and disappointed with them and focus it on your grieving and healing process.

Please do not do what I did, though, which was to emotionally disconnect from them for years and years, because we all lost out on some honest relationships that could have been cultivated had I not gone into emotional hiding. I am not saying that they didn't deserve it, but it prolonged a process that could have been much more peaceful and smooth had I not relied or expected them to help me through what a counselor should have.

I hope this helps you at least a little. You will have to stay strong and fight your way through this. The end of their lives was just the beginning of your fight to grieve properly. The prize is evenual peace and healing, so the sooner you go through it, the sooner you will have that peace. I wish you the best and know you are stong enough to overcome this for the sake of your sister and your child, their memory, and the the family members who are still with you. God's peace to you.

I too have lost someone dear to me, my brother. I had found support with compassinate friends as well since they do have a program for sibling loss and loss of a child (misscarriage).
It is a safe place to ask questions and vent with no judgement. It is good to talk to others that have walked in your shoes so you know you have support and are not losing your mind.
Hugs!!!
D.

Jaimee: You have a lot of good advice here, but I wanted to add again there is no time line for grief - when my husband lost his father he walked around pacing back and forth. He couldn't think or concentrate it was really hard to watch him go through this. I don't really think others on the outside can truly understand what you are going through when they haven't been through it.

I really like some of the advice you've been given already - especially about saying what you need and expect right now. Even though you may not get the response you want it will do you good to say I'm still really hurting now and need some space. I am learning in all my interactions that is the best thing rather than feeling resentment that they don't understand. I have been using this approach. Honestly, people can't always deal with the
truth, but truth telling will free you so you can allow yourself time to grieve and take care of your own family. Trying to grieve with four children alone is going to be hard let alone dealing with everyone else. I have found that once a person passes through a phase they often forget how hard it was. Just like when a person loses weight and then starts judging others because they haven't or someone who kicks a bad habit and then all the sudden they have all the answers. Well, what works for one person doesn't always work for someone else.

Honestly, to be fair to those on the outside it is really hard to know what to say and do. If they go on like nothing happened it's upsetting, and if they talk about it some people get upset by that too. So, I think it is best if you ask for what you want so you won't resent them for not respecting your wishes. Then, if they still don't then I'd just give myself some space and continue dealing with things through my counselor. We often do expect people to meet some need that only God can fill. My prayer is that the family will give you the space you need and that you will find those who support you in a way that you need, and find God as the great comforter and healer. Only God can truly understand what you are going through. He wants to comfort you because He loves you so much. I know right now it may be hard to feel that love, but it is there. Please take care of yourself, home schooling is a lot to deal with on top of everything else too, many people don't realize this is a full time job.

Honestly, Jaimee you have had so many life changing events I don't think you mentioned the space of time on any of them, but it sounds like they are all pretty close. From what I can see you have had 7 losses in such a close period. I don't know if you are able to see your sisters kids but that is a huge loss in and of itself too. I can't even pretend to imagine
what you are going through, because I have never lost a child.

God created you a unique person so you have your own unique time table for grieving. Most of all right now be patient with yourself and don't have too many expectations of yourself right now. And do your best not to worry what others think. This is where I often
got into too much trouble.

Take care,
K.

Dear Jaimee,

Cannot imagine the horrors you have been dealing with in such a short time. Know that God is with you, no matter what. Continue to pray for strength. There is a purpose for this--you are obviously a very strong person, but we all have limits. Perhaps one day you will be able to help another in similar circumstances by sharing how you got through it (and you WILL get through it with the prayers of many who have read your letter).
If you have the best husband, he should be able to understand why you cannot deal with his family yet and explain it to them for you. This time is time you need for healing. If you stress yourself about what others think, you cannot heal at all and will not be emotionally available to them anyway. I promise MANY constant prayers, and please keep all of us posted.
In God's love,
K.

What you are feeling is a normal response to loss. On average, it takes a person 18-24 months to find a "new normal" after a significant loss. Each loss is unique and carries it's own significance. The loss of a sibling is similar but different from a miscarriage. Each is going to have their own grieving process.

Be kind to yourself. It's going to take time and energy to reach a place of balance. Better days are coming, even if you can't see them yet. {{{hugs}}}

Jaimee,
I am so sorry to hear about your tragic loss. Losing a sibling and then losing a child is devastating and heartbreaking. I truly believe that you are doing the right thing by going to counseling and talking about it in your support group. I don't think you are wrong in expressing your sadness, anger, etc. with your family. After all they are family. It's important to lean on people who will have compassion for you. Seek those people out, friends, relatives, etc. Talk about how you feel over and over again....it helps to make sense of your feelings. What you are going through emotionally is extremely hard and difficult. Those around you understand. Eventhough some better than others. Overall you need to take care of yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Your in laws may not know how to handle your situation, they may feel helpless and think that the only way to help you cope is perhaps pretending like everything is now fine. Try to understand that people who have not lived your experiences cannot fully understand what it takes to get through the day. Do what you must and do not feel guilty of it. Having time to heal is key. Take a break. Suggest to your husband that you need space from them, perhaps a week's vacation out of town, a new scenery, a time set aside for you, and a time for relaxation may help. Also, I don't know if you are religious, but seek support from members of your church. They can be there to listen and comfort you. Talk to your husband too. Don't keep your feelings bottled up....talk to him anytime you feel your emotions building up. I also know that excercise, diet, sunshine, is crucial to getting your endorphins and natural serotonin flowing in your body. Take care of you, comfort yourself when you feel sad. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I will put you in my prayers. Feel free to email me if you need someone to listen.

Please know how much I feel for your situation, and you have every right to grieve for your family and your baby. Everyone deals with grief differently, and the worst thing you can do is ignore it. You have to give yourself that time of deep grief before you can heal - it's just like a deep cut. It hurts, it bleeds and you are in pain - but eventually, if you clean the wound and take care of it, it will heal in time. I think it is very admirable that you have taken the steps (counseling, etc.) to help yourself heal, but don't rush the process just because others want you to. You have to do it on your schedule, not anyone elses. And let your husband know that you just can't deal with his family right now (word it differently than that, I know that's a little harsh) - they are his family, and he needs to be the one to tell them, "Hey, she's just not ready for activities right now" or whatever. If they invite your family to do things with them, send your hubby and the kids - stay behind and take that time for yourself! Believe me, that time can make all the difference in the world! God bless you and please take care of yourself. YOU are very important - don't worry about everything else, it will work itself out.

Jaimee-

Please don't feel pressue to join into the family get-togethers or feel guilty for being angry at their insenstivity. I have only experienced one of your losses, a miscarriage, and I would get so frustrated with people. Everyone wanted to talk to me about it and I found it really irritating! For example I saw a family member about two months after it happened, it was the first time since the miscarriage. They felt the need to bring it up (more pain for me) and tell me all sorts of stories about other people etc. I was really upset by that. I'm sure they were trying to be nice, however.....

I can understand your anger and they really should be more supportive. I'll bet they're not sure what to say to you so they figure they will just act like everything is normal. Unfortunately that never works. And unless someone experiences that loss they will never understand how wholey exhausting and depressing it is.

My best friends husband was killed the exact same way(sadly it was his brother who was holding the gun) and all we could do for her was let her grieve and be there when she needed a shoulder. She is still not completely "back to normal" (whatever that is supposed to be) and he was killed almost 3 yrs ago now.

Give yourself time. Do not for a second feel bad for being angry with them. Just focus on grieving and your sisters sweet babies. Healing will take time. If you ever need anyone to listen......

I'm not going to tell you that it's going to be alright because it's not. I'm not going to tell you that your sister and baby are in a better place because they should still be here with you. I'm also not going to tell you that time will heal because the longer their gone the more you will miss them. I am going to tell you that it's ok to be mad and sad and have a few moments where you just have to express it. It doesn't get better but you have a responsibility to your children to go on. I know because I lost my mom a few years ago and I saw her or talked to her at least once a day my whole life and I will never be the person I was before she died and that's ok because everything that happens in your life makes you who you are and as long as you love and take care of your own husband and children that's all that really matters.

How very sad to be losing your loved ones in succession like you have described. Your husband should understand and support you wanting a break from anything you feel you can't or don't want to deal with right now. Be strong for yourself and just let him/them know you need some time to yourself. If they take it personally then they are very selfish and not worth your time anyway. Hopefully your counselor is someone who can help you with this issue and how to communicate it to them all in an appropriate way. The best I can offer as far as effective for helping with depression is to suggest things that will help to balance your body's major systems - hormonal, digestive, endocrine, immune and nervous - I know of some herbs that truly help to clear your mind and balance your body. They are all whole foods that have been shown over decades to be effective. If you are interested in more information about what specifically works for depression feel free to contact me. Good luck.

So sorry for your losses. The grieving process is different for everyone, and it takes as long as it takes. Better days will come. Sometimes people don't know how to act around someone who has suffered a loss. Perhaps his family thinks that my treating you as though everything is back to normal that will somehow make it so. Tell them how you are feeling and what you need. If they are unable or unwilling to give it, at least you will know that you communicated it. Then you can make your decisions accordingly. I agree with another responder. Do what's best for you. You don't need the additional burden of taking care of other people's feelings. Best wishes.