Depression - San Francisco, CA

Depression is often brought on by a chemical imbalance due to a huge bio chemical event. delivring a baby definititely qualifies. Just getting balanced nutrition to be bio-available in her shocked body can be the trick, but her body may resist. There is a food supplement that does an excellent job of making balanced nutiriton get from the intestines to the blood stream, call me if you want to talk about it. A. ###-###-####

How about delivering meals? I'd also hope that there is a way that someone can let her doctor know just in case she has post partum depression.

I think that no matter the circumstances having a newborn can be difficult and even depressing, and as the situation complicates it can be even more depressing. I'm assuming that the baby is probably in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit), being so tiny and early. Going to the NICU can be kind or depressing because there are so many sick babies and parents that are facing the fact that their babies may not be coming home. For some it can be helpful to have someone go with them on their visits, even if it's just to drive them to the hospital.

Visiting and bringing meals (you can arrange to just drop it off at the door if mom isn't in the mood for company) can also be helpful, and will assure that the family is getting good food to eat. You can offer to organize a meal calendar so friends of the family can sign up to provide meals on certain days.

I don't know if this is a first child, but if there is a way to arrange for fun activities for the other kid(s) it can give the parents a break as well as giving the other kid(s) some attention.

Having someone to listen is also usually needed. I've found in the work that I've done, friends and family are often times quick to offer encouragement and assurance that everything will be ok. But sometimes it's hard for people to voice their fears with out a loved one, who means, well shutting them down. An example of this could be:

mom says: Sometimes I blame my self for the baby being born early, if only I hadn't done ...

A supportive person says: This must be really hard for you, I know it would be for me.

instead of: You didn't do anything wrong, you shouldn't blame yourself.

Usually our immediate response is to tell the person that this isn't their fault and they didn't do anything wrong. And we can do that, but first it's important to let them talk, and encourage them to express how they are felling. By negating what they say we can make them feel like it's not ok for them to talk about how they are feeling.

Also, it's always ok to seek professional help even if it's for a short period of time. Again, if the baby is in the NICU there are counselors available to help that are very familiar with these types of situations. Encourage mom to ask for their assistance.

OK, thats my 2 cents plus some. I'm a social worker and have worked in both adult and pediatric hospice and palliative care, as well as provided grief counseling to children and parents who have had siblings/children who have and haven't recovered, so this strikes a nerve for me. Good luck, it's always important to be surrounded by caring people, especially during the hard times.

Please ask her supervisor to give her as much time off as she needs to be at the hospital.

Ohhh...I just realized after re-reading your entries that the mom may be sad...about the circumstances....Well that may be different than full blown depression. My response was responding more to "depression"
I have depression and I have my "ways" of fixing it. Make sure she knows what depression is and that there are treatment options. I knew something was wrong when I first experienced it...it wasn't until a friend gave me some articles about it, that I knew "what it was".
People often feel ashamed w/ it....."I shouldn't feel this way." If she knows it's OK then that will help. Keep people away that give advice as to "shrug it off" etc.
Help her get enough sleep.....That in itself may make a big difference. Sleep deprivation makes my depression rise.

You can pray with her and for her and the baby. 3 lbs is pretty good for a 7th month delivery. The power of prayer is very strong.

A story of hope...my dear friend gave birth to a 1 lb. baby at 7 months gestation. The baby is now 7 months old, and although small, she is very alert, active and most of all extremely cute!! The family went through a lot, were in the premie ward for months and had to live near the hospital. They are home now, and all is well. I know there are support groups to help your friend, to let her know the realities and the very positive outcome statistics! Many blessings!

R., 15 years ago my daughter was born unexpectedly weighing 2lbs, 14oz. I experienced anxiety and depression even after she was released to come home. She is in perfect health now, however it took quite some time to deal with the feelings of loss, fear and guilt that ensued at her birth. One thing I remember, is longing for others who had experienced the same thing. An early birth is so different from what we expect and what we know as normal. There are so many feelings to deal with, depression is no surprise. I am available if you wish to refer her to me for support. Also, perhaps a support group for parents of premature babies. D.

give her hugs, tell her everything is going to be ok, tell her it isn't her fault, be there for her when she needs a hand to hold or borrow for the baby, and just listening does alot; i'm sure thats very scary, and she is probably questioning herself plus the stress of motherhood; i'm pretty sure that if you reach out she might reach back everyone likes friends; especially scared new mommies

If she is depressed - ie. easily overwhelmed, crying alot, for no obvious reason she should see her Ob to see if she has postpartum depression. If she's disappointed/upset/concerned with the health of her baby then maybe she should get more info from her baby's doc regarding the outlook for the baby. They could also help her connect with other premie moms or a baby group.

Good morning:) 3lbs 10 oz was what my son weighed.also 7 months - That was 18 years ago! He is a VERY healthy Busy young man! Just because we may have to struggle a bit in the beginning does notnecesarily mean the journey will be the same. Do not be discouraged- Have Faith. Your child is here for a reason, not by accident. When my son was born I prayed to God 'I don't care if he's the biggest brat in the world, just please let him be okay'. Well I got my request - lol! We don't always know why things are. Sometimes it's just like that. Just be glad she's here. Have a wonderful day.:) A.

depression is common with having babies. What overcame mine was I thought of doing something for myself instead of always thinking of the baby and the dad.
read a good book, listen to music, go shopping for only me, and don't try to pinpoint the depression topic.

Have fun, the baby will grow up faster than she thinks

I hope she may feel better hearing about my older friend who has both her children born at 7 months. She ate too much watermelon while pregnant which is not good cos watermelon is very cooling to the body system... However both her kids are okay, have gone through higher education, one is a cardiologist and one is a social worker.

Hello,
I also had a preemie and found it extremely helpful to speak to the licensed social worker at the intensive care nursery where my son was staying. Because of her experience working at the nursery, she was by far the best sounding board and just knew how to respond better than anyone else I talked to--even my own mother made some comments that were more hurtful than helpful (unintentionally, of course). Encourage your friend to seek out this service, or maybe you could get your supervisor to check if there is some similar service at the hospital where the baby is staying. And, I also have a success story--my son almost died the night he was born and now he is a healthy & happy toddler with only minor developmental delays.
Best of luck,
K.

Hi R.,
My son was born at 29 weeks weighing 2 lbs, 6 oz. He just turned five last month, graduated from preschool last week, and is a happy, healthy, sweet, athletic, smart kid. (Yes, I love to brag about him, but it's all true! His motor skill development was lagging for a bit at around 1.5 years, but we took him to a kindergym drop-in and started him in preschool at 2.5 years on the developmental experts' advice. Now he is one of the most athletic kids in his class. He started off slowly in this area and then had a burst of development.) When people find out how small he was when he was born, they are shocked. A few notes from my personal experience:
The worst day of my life was leaving the hospital without my son. It felt so wrong. I almost never cry, and I bawled my eyes out. I also felt so guilty that my body wasn't able to do its job. I know I didn't do anything wrong (went to prenatal check-ups religiously, didn't smoke, took vitamins, etc.), but I still felt that it was my fault. I gave birth the week before Mothers' Day and refused to celebrate it. I celebrated my own mom, but I did not want anyone to celebrate me. I just didn't deserve it. I also needed to mourn not having the happy baby delivery with everyone in the waiting room and my husband leaving the delivery room to give everyone the good news. I literally could not watch any TV show dealing with birth for a year. I was so sad that my birth story reality was nothing like the one I always imagined. Also, with a baby in the NICU, your brain ends up in "alarm mode." You spend so much time in the NICU with all the displays and beeping, and it is hard to allow your brain to switch off of alarm mode. I became very anxious. Lastly, the nurses and doctors warned me and my husband that postpartum depression can actually hit harder with preemies when you take your baby home. That didn't make any sense to me because I thought that postpartum depression was primarily related to hormones. They were right, though. Is your supervisor's daughter bonding with other NICU moms? That was really helpful for me. We were all in the pumping room together during the nurses' shift changes. We were all in the same boat and there was no judgement. The support was so valuable. I would also have the NICU nurses encourage the mom to decorate the baby's isolette if she hasn't already. Bring in a special blanket to cover the isolette, decorate the baby's name card, etc. You cannot do too much because it is easy to overstimulate a preemie, but just taking those small steps helps. The NICU nurses were always able to make me feel better -- I guess because every mom they deal with has a preemie, and these nurses loved and cared for our babies. They also encouraged the moms and dads to participate in the baby's care as much as possible, which also helped. We changed our son's diaper (not easy in an isolette with wires coming off the baby's monitors!), fed him when he was big enough, and dressed him once he started sort of fitting into preemie clothes. One of the NICU nurses actually made and sold her own line of clothing for tiny preemies. Something about putting my son in a cute little outfit helped. I think that doing anything that moms of term babies would be doing helped. Two more things: I also spoke to a therapist because I have no qualms about that type of stuff. There is no shame in seeking help. I don't even think people would have described me as *very* depressed, but I wanted to take care of myself both for myself and for my baby. Finally, please be aware that there are varying levels of postpartum depression having nothing to do with a having a preemie. It ranges from the baby blues to postpartum psychosis. If it has only been a few days since this mom gave birth, give her another week or so. If not, perhaps her mother/father can check in with the NICU nurses and ask that they keep an eye on her. The NICU staff won't be able to give health info about the mom to her parent, but the parent can explain his/her concern and request that the NICU nurses talk to the mom if her depression seems more extreme than that of other preemie moms. Medical professionals are generally more effective at helping people seek help than friends or family. Friends and family can help primarily by letting the mom know that they are there for her, and by celebrating the baby's progress, just as you would with a term baby, though the milestones will be different for a few months. Throw her a baby shower in a few more weeks. Give her as much of the normal new baby experience as you can without making it seem like you are overcompensating. Treat her like any other mom. You'll need to work with her schedule at the NICU and should probably hold the shower somewhere near the hospital, but celebrate her and her baby.

I hope this helps, and my thoughts and prayers will be with this mom and her baby.
K.

I am also a grandmother. My son and daughter in law had a 1 lb. 7 oz. preemie. It was very stressful but we knew it was completley out of our hands. We prayed alot and ultimatley my granddaughter was in a great hospital with great doctors. Prematurity these days is very common and even though it is scary it ususally turns out ok for the baby. The technology has come a long way.

my granddaughter stayed in the hospital for almost 3 mos. with my daughter in law at a Ronald McDonald house. The hospital was 5 hrs. away which meant we all had a long commute, esp. my son who went back and forth every weekend.
Luckily for them they kept a webpage so all their family and friends could keep up on my granddaughters progress without everyone always calling them.
She is now 3 yrs. old and doing fabulous with no ill effects from her very early birth. We thank god every day for our little miracle.
Think of this time as part of your family's history and know that you will get though this. Life has a way of working out. Hang in there!
Jo

My son was born very early and, though I wasn't depressed, there was a long very stressful period. Many people told me to 'let them know if I needed anything' but I often was not comfortable asking for help and I was too exhausted to even think of what kind of help I needed. There were so many contributors to the stress: medical complications, taking care of a fragile and needy infant, hearing other mom's stories of their children's accomplishments while my child missed developmental milestones . . . and on and on. I loved it when people just pitched in to help. Here are some things that people did (or that I wished they had done) that made me feel supported.

- Bring home cooked meals in disposable containers. You might ask if there are any food preferences to keep in mind. This is something that you can do often!
- Ask if you can pick up anything next time you are at the store. Or just drop off some staples - diapers, toilet paper, milk, etc.
- Show up with cleaning supplies and ask what room they would like you to do.
- If you are good at accounting, offer to review the baby's medical bills and insurance statements. The amount of paperwork generated by an early birth can be staggering and well beyond the bookkeeping abilities of most people.
- Offer to baby sit for an hour.
- Give a gift certificate for an at-home massage for mom.
- Research whether there is a support group for parents of preemies in their area and pass on your findings. Large hospitals sometimes have such support groups. Some support groups offer 'mentoring' for preemie parents which can be very helpful when the baby is too fragile to venture out in the world much.
- If she has other children, offer to take them to a special event like a movie, the park, Gymboree, skating, etc.
- Drop her a really kind note.
- If her baby is still in the hospital and may be there for a while, I would be happy to email an article that I wrote for titled 'Parenting in the NICU' that is based on my experience (my son was intensive care for three months) and on the experience of several other moms of preemies.

Good luck!

E.

it is very hard to cope with something when it comes to something being wrong our children. She nneds to pray for the best and have those who care for her around her. It is depressing but she has to be strong. I know that she wouldn't to hear that it's god's will, but being helpful by beign there or offering words od encouragement may help. if she is severely depressed, she could get help from a center. Good luck!

I understand completely bcuz I was there myself almost a year ago. I gave birth to my son last year in Sept and I was also 7 mo. He was born by an emergency c-section & he weighed 3 lbs 11 oz. & he was rushed to the NICU. So I didn't get to hear or see my son on his day or even the next day for that. I finally saw him on the 3rd day due to the medication magnisium for the inducing of my labor. But the moment I saw him I was so happy but also sad @ the same time bcuz he was in an incubator & so small. I was depressed bcuz I seen all the other moms w/their newborns in their rooms & I had to walk on the other side of the hospital to see my son. So anyways to help her w/her depression you can be their for her whenever she needs it. Talk to her & ask her if she needs to talk about anything or just sit there & let her cry on your shoulder. I was blessed to have family & friends that did that for me. In the long run, my son is almost 9 mo. old now & he is very healthy he weighs 15 lbs 15 oz & is 26" long. The best thing you can do for her is just be there for her & as time goes by she will get through it w/your help & her loved ones. Best of Luck to you & the mother. I said a lil prayer just in case you needed more help.

see if you can find a postpartum doula she can help a lot. I know a good one her # is ###-###-#### she helped me alot maybe she can do the same for your friend

Hi!

Offer empathy and seek to understand where she's at, so that she's more willing to hear solutions. Once she feels understood, express what's important: And that is CONNECTING with her baby! Regardless of size, the baby needs her touch and her soothing voice (countless studies indicate this, here's just one article. http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9B0DE7DE10...)

If she's depressed about her baby, that connection will turn things around....they BOTH need that to thrive and feel hopeful. She may seem useless, but the baby thrives in her presence. Make a strong case that she needs to be present and focused on the now rather than an unforseen future (we can all benefit from that!) Anyway, baby needs a loving and hopeful mamma! Also, since the baby can't speak or form thoughts, she needs to form and speak them for her baby! This can be done by thanking God or the Universe. "Thank you God for my healthy thriving baby. Thank you for proving everything he/she needs to come home to me."

Good Luck! Women are powerful at all ages, remind her of that. You're a great example.

S.

Hi R.,

There are several reasons why we become depressed. Lack of sleep is one of the reasons, dehydration and lack of nutients. This is what starts a lot of our health challenges we are faced with today.

I would ask her questions to see what is going on with her. The first thing the doctors want to do is put you on antidepressants. That is not the answer. That is just treating a symptom.

Give her lots of support and let her know everything will be fine, stay positive and she has lots of people that love her and support her.

If you would like to learn more on how to live a healhier lifestyle and share how to stay balanced check out my web page.www.nikken.com/ninamarie

If you have any questions feel to email me or call me at ###-###-####

Have a blessed day.

Do not stop caring about others.

N. Marie

As a survivor of prenatal and postpartum depression, I applaude you for being so willing to support and help.
Go to Postpartum Support International (PSI): http://postpartum.net/index.html there is a 24-hr helpline she (or you) can call, as well as getting referrals to local mental health professionals, most of whom are willing to work with any financial issues.
Here's how you can help someone with a mood disorder: http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=about...
Here is a link to the Postpartum Stress Center, with more resources linked form there: http://www.postpartumstress.com/pages/resources.html

I hope this helps. It is very important to just be there for her, I like the idea of helping her with meals, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. She needs a strong support system in place right now. Thank you for being willing to help her during this hard time.

A.