My husband has a chronic health condition – he is constantly tired and has a lot of soreness and stiffness, and sometimes severe pain with flare-ups. It’s not life-threatening, but does limit his physical capacity. We both would really like to have children. We’ve been wanting to have children for a while, but kept putting it off because of his health situation, which was not an issue until shortly after we were married. We started “trying” two years ago – I am very regular with my periods, and even used the ovulation kit – we were only able to try maybe 5 times at the most during the most fertile periods because of his condition– but still nothing. We had his testosterone levels checked and they were low. We were planning to follow up with a fertility specialist, but he ended up having a severe flare-up. For almost a year, we have not been even able to “try” because it just hurts too much for him – he doesn’t have ED, it’s just painful on his body to “try”. He’s doing better now, but not to the point where we’re able to try again.
We’ve been holding off on the fertility specialist because I was thinking we hadn’t “tried” enough, but even if we did end up trying, it probably wouldn’t be as many times as we’d like, plus there seems to have been issues even during the most fertile times in the past. So we decided that we’ll try to pursue that again.
My husband keeps talking about having children, but I just feel like time is going by (I’m almost 34 and he’s 39) and nothing is happening – I know it’s not his fault and it hurts him very much, and I know we probably need to talk to the doctor to see what our options are, but there’s a lot to consider.
One thing he is afraid of is even if I do get pregnant and we have children, how much he’ll be able to help me out – he doesn’t want to put me in a situation where I don’t have the help or support from him because then I have to take care of him in his condition and the child. Plus, I may have to be the one supporting the family if he’s unable to work.
Then, there’s the practical matter – how are we going to get pregnant if we can’t even physically try? And if that’s the case, is IVF the only way? Or are there other options? I heard IVF is not very easy to go through, plus very expensive – I’m not sure if we have that kind of money to spend, nor do I want go through something unpleasant, considering that I also have to take care of my husband.
Just wanted to get some thoughts, suggestions, and encouragment. Thanks so much.
Thanks so much to everyone for your replies and for all the encouragement and personal testimonies. We'll probably end up seeing the fertility specialist and then see what happens from that point. In our hearts, I do believe that we really want to have children, in spite of some of the difficulties that may arise. My husband is very supportive - just feels bad he can't help me out more. The only thing I'm not so sure about is how much we are able to spend if it ends up being IVF or even adoption - I also heard that can be very expensive and a difficult process. But anyway, one step at a time. Thanks again.
Have you considered adoption?
Oh--and I wouldn't worry about him not being able to "help" you out because that's pretty much the norm in the houses of all of the people I know! LOL
Best wishes!
Have you had genetic testing to determine if your husband can pass his health issues to your children? It sounds like he has an autoimmune disease? If this is the case you can still have children just talk with a genetics counselor about your options. have you thought about IVF.
Good Luck
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's a really tough call. I wanted to chime in though with another perspective, because my father had Leukemia ever since I was 6 months old.
He had a lot of severe pain, fatigue as well as lots of surgeries/chemo/2 bone marrow transplants/couldn't always work and after my father became sterile from the chemo, my parents decided to adopt. (they had two biological and 1 adopted).
It was tough growing up at times, and I know it was hard on my mom also, but for them, having a family was worth the struggles and trials that came with it. If anything, it gave him more of a reason to fight and live and our lives were very blessed.
My father sometimes was moody from the pain and some of the medications altered his personality at times, but we knew who the true person was underneath that and were able to overcome those rough patches as a family. My mother eventually had to work to support us, (though he got disability to help some) raise kids and nurse my dad, and I have fond memories as a teen having night watch to changing my dad's bandages and ointments and administer medicine when we as a family took shifts to take care of him after certain procedures.
Now that my father has passed away, my mother is blessed with three children and grandchildren. Our father is our hero because he preserved and lived life to the capacity he could, and when his strength and health was good, he took us on campouts, to the park, read to us, all the thing fathers do, just sometimes it was a little more limited. He blessed many people along the way. It was the happiest decision of my mom's life to have a family and see the long term effects of their struggles as a couple.
There will always be trials and hardships in life, but don't let good things pass you by out of fear.
I want to let you know, that parenthood is hard. But, even us, who are healthy and have healthy spouses, cancer, accidents resulting in paralysis or even death, things beyond our control can happen any time, so we must always evolve and seek support from one another and prepare for those times.
Just really seek out the answers of your heart, and make a decision according to that and practical matters. If that decision makes your heart sink in sadness, it's probably the wrong one.
Oh and my friend went through IVF twice and it worked once. They had it done for practically free because the insurance covered it, and another couple I knew got it done for cheap because they were doing it with some experimental procedure (they had 2 healthy twins). Just research around for options like that, or you can even consider adoption.
A few thoughts.
Consider adoption if you are really sure that you want kids.
Consider an open marriage arrangement where you're allowed to find a potential father to add to your lives to help take stress off of your husband. It comes with it's own issues to work out, but there is nothing that says it can't work for you in the abstract to have a poly relationship to better enable children.
Also, I have struggled a lot with my own pain disorder problems. I can tell you from personal experience that for some people, a complete change of diet can cure chronic disorders of some sorts. I eat only organics and have eliminated gluten from my diet, as well as preservatives, coloring, high flash point oils, and most processed foods. And I am a completely different person than the one in pain that I used to be.
I know another couple where the man has rheumatoid arthritis that is in complete remission because he's doing the same basic thing, having also removed all caesins (milk) from his diet. He's a new person, too.
If you can help him find the key to what is destroying his gut and keeping his swollen all the time, you may be able to get much more of a husband and father out of the man you have in your life now.
I would think carefully about whether what your husband has will pass on to your children before deciding to go with IVF. You could end up pretty frustrated and exhausted even if not. With that complication, it could drag you under caring for so many.
Children are awesome and you will likely not be lonely in your golden years if you have even one. I would go for it, in whatever way you decide is best for you, whether it's adoption, IVF, whatever. My one piece of advice, however, is that if you think you may want more than one child, plan to space the ages out at least 3 years. If your husband is not able to help you with the baby, you want that baby to be toilet trained, walking most places and following basic directions before you have a second.
I had my kids at 35, 37, 39 and 41 so you are not too late IMHO, and if I knew I'd have to carry the lions share of the childcare it would have been more like 35, 39 done, to the degree that I could control it.
You have a lot of issues to consider here. The easy one is to follow up with a fertility specialist where they check you and your husband's fertility. That will give you information as to whether or not to continue trying the old-fashioned way or to use some kind of fertility treatment. It will provide one little piece of information.
Now to the harder things to consider. It is one thing to be tired and sore in the comfort of your own home, with a "regular" routine. A new baby will add all sorts of additional stressors. How well does your husband handle stress? Do you think he'll end up constantly snapping at you or at your child in his "terrible twos"? It is very hard for someone with chronic pain to handle any additional stress. For all the wonder, joy and love a baby brings, there is lack of sleep, crying, constant neediness. It is hard for a healthy husband to adjust to being displaced by the baby, but your husband already needs you. Will he be able to accept you splitting your time?
Also, as you mentioned, he may be unable to work due to his condition. If that is the case and you have to become the sole provider, who will provide child care while you are working? Raising a child is a very physically-involved process. If your husband can't work, he probably can't be a stay-at-home dad either.
We haven't even gotten into the emotional issues and stresses. If you do become the sole provider you could have all sorts of resentment and/or jealousy issues toward your husband. If your husband can't work and can't help with the baby he's going to have issues with inadequacy and there could be depression as well.
I'm not trying to scare you away from having children. I think you need to truly evaluate the strength of the bond between you and your husband and find the family values you both share, and see where your ideas of family differ too. If you are both determined to make this work, and have an incredible loving foundation to build on, no handicap will get in the way. But, if you are both simply human, I think you need to talk about the potential stress and how you think it will affect your relationship. If you talk to your husband about these issues beforehand, the two of you will be able to come to the decision that will make the most sense for you. Best wishes.
