Devastating News

Suicide is something that those who would never consider it cannot fathom. Anger is a common response, but it is unproductive to blame anyone.

What can you do? See a need. Fill it. Bring dinner. Pick up one of their other kids from a school activity. Offer to run an errand. Etc.

OMG I have no words L., that is really shocking. It is very hard to not feel angry at the mom. Rational or not, I think that is understandable. I am not able to give advice - I cannot imagine something like that happening. The poor family...

L., you have helped so many of us here with your kind words and thoughtful advice, I wish I could do the same for you.

At my husband's brother's mass, who hung himself 3 weeks short of his 30th birthday, about a month after our youngest was born, the priest said something like this:

We can never know another person's struggle. Perhaps we can take comfort in the fact now there's peace for them, finally. God will soothe them now, and the pain and struggle for them is over, although for us it has just begun.

I wish I could take it all away for you, and for this family.

But know that having read this post of yours has made me and probably everyone who has read it a better person, inspired us to dig deeper for that last shred of patience, to be kinder, to love harder everyone we hold dear.

Thinking about you.

<3

Having recently lost one of my duaghter's dear friends to suicide, I feel your pain.
There is no answer, only questions.
There are lots of things you can say:
I'm sorry.
I'll miss her.
I loved her.
What can I do to help you?
Call me.
I'll call you.

Are any of these enough? No. There is no "enough." But they're all we have.

Dear L.,

I am so very sorry.....for your friend and her children, whose lives have been lost, for the remaining family members, and for you and all of the family's loved ones. There are really no words when it comes to suicide, and when one family and circle of friends has been so devastated, so many times, it just seems unreal.

The thing you can do is just be there. In the aftermath of suicide, there is so much confusion, sadness, anger, questioning, pain, and intense grief. It's hard to be there for that, but being there is the best thing you can do.

It doesn't necessarily mean every day, or even for hours at a time. Just check in with your friend. Make sure he and his family are taking care of themselves and their basic needs. Maybe some days, he'll want to talk. Other days, maybe not. Maybe he and the family just need a distraction, even a brief one. You and your other friends can be that.

The fact is, there is no one perfect answer. They just need to know they're not alone. That they're not forgotten. That they're not ostracized. Because that is what happens sometimes with suicide. Not intentionally, but because people are so uncomfortable with it, feel so helpless, don't know what to say, are afraid to say something that may hurt rather than help. So, people just go away.

Please go to the American Association of Suicidology at www.suicidology.org. There is information there that can help survivors of suicide. You may find some things there that help you to help them. When the time is right, you may want to refer them to the site also.

I do hope this family will find a local survivor's support group. Maybe this is one thing you can research for them. In addition to having a strong circle of family and friends and even a therapist, having a specific support group is so important in helping people to go on and find meaning after a loved one has died by suicide. Sometimes, I think having this support group is one of the most essential things in helping people to go on. No one person, not a therapist, not a best friend, not a spouse can take on the enormous pain left by suicide all by themselves. It's essential to have group support in dealing with this kind of grief.

I'm sure you already know that it is okay to be angry at the person who has chosen suicide. Even when you understand that your friend was suffering with depression, it is still okay to be angry. These feelings will come and go over time and can resurface as you are experiencing now. Remember to take care of yourself, too.

I wish there was more I could say to you to help. Please know that you and your friends will be in my thoughts and prayers.

J. F.

So so sorry L. this situation has revisited you and friends.

It is a psychologically established fact that when a parent commits suicide it becomes an option for the children to consider and follow suit. And given their own severe emotional grief and struggle to carry on, life becomes too much in their immature and inexperienced view of the world.

It is all terribly sad and all you can do is to simply be there and offer support. Don't blame. Don't make assumptions about how therapy resolved, or how the family copes.

Just this morning I dropped off a young 2nd grade boy, who spent the afternoon and night with us, whose 21 year old cousin committed suicide. His mother, the wife of a colleague of my husband's, called me at 3am Tuesday morning with the tragic news. Her husband was on call, my husband had to step in and take the call, I offered to pick her son up and keep him so that she could attend to her grieving husband. I brought her a small dinner last night as I picked up the overnight items. Just to give her some relief.

I hope to have tea and a walk and a talk over the next few days so she has a nonjudgemental, uninvolved, outside, independent adult ear to vent to. That's all.

i totally understand the anger. my BIL committed suicide 3 years ago, and it wrecked the family. the damage is ongoing and severe. i'm still angry with him.
there is no right thing to say, and no 'enough.' all you can do is let them know you're there, and continue to offer an ear, or help, WITHOUT advice. they don't need advice. once the initial shock has worn off, and they're not frozen with horror any more, it will be all the more important to be there with quiet support. they may not be able to tell you what they need, but if you're available and tuned in, you may be able to intuit when some practical aid (cooking, cleaning, taking someone to a doctor appt etc) is needed, when an angry vent needs a sympathetic ear, or when they just need to be left in peace.
what a terrible legacy this family has. i hope the survivors can break the chain.
:( khairete
S.

Dearest L., I am so sorry. I am sure that there is nothing that you can say to help them right now. Just being YOU and being there beside them will have to be enough.

From everything I have heard and read, by the time someone goes there in their heart and mind and really means to do this, they cannot see the reasons not to anymore. This isn't really any comfort to you right now. There probably isn't any comfort.

I am praying for the family and for you, dear lady, to get through this a day at a time.

No advice. Depression runs in families so the new wife's children won't have this tendency unless depression runs in her family.

What you want to say is the best thing you can say. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm here to help if you need child care or someone to pick up stuff at the grocery store. There's really nothing more you can say because there's nothing that will make them feel better. The daughter is not in a better place, you don't know how they feel, etc. All the trite stuff that people say because they don't know what to say don't make you feel better.

Oh my gosh that's terrible. Three in one family is just unspeakably tragic. I am so sorry for you loss and for that family. I think that all you can really do is say the usual "I'm sorry for your loss," etc.

My husband has a childhood friend who is like family. His nephew was schizophrenic and committed suicide and a few years later, his brother in law (the nephew's dad) also killed himself, leaving his wife and other son behind. That son is of course afraid of developing a mental illness (the dad also had schizophrenia, which wasn't diagnosed until he was in his 40's - very unusual) but so far, both have managed to move on and seem to be OK. I feel so bad for the wife though - her dad died a year ago, her other brother has lung cancer and her mom died yesterday. So much loss.

Anyway...take some time to be kind to yourself during this terrible time for your circle of friends. Again, so sorry.

I am so sorry. So very sorry.

I know this pain as well, and it sucks. It has been almost a year since my brother committed suicide and it hurts daily still. I go through emotions of anger, pain, sadness, relief that he is not in pain anymore, etc. But mostly I just miss the hell out of him.

I don't think I have any advice for you, because I'm not sure what I could have done to help my brother...would a phone call that night have stopped him? Would a planned visit have given him something to look forward to? I don't know - I don't know how to help people who are so set on taking their own lives. He was actually in a rehab cernter (live in) when he did it. All I know is I am so extremely sorry for your loss.

I don't know what you can say to the family. The best thing we did for my brother was all gather at his aunt's farm in VA. (He was not my blood brother.) We all laughed, cried, shared stories, just enjoyed the day as if he was still there with us. What I would have given to turn around and see him walk up. Ugh. Like I said, the pain never goes away. Just be there for them however they need you. They'll let you know what they need. HUGS!

Oh, I'm so terribly sorry. This is just an unspeakable loss.

It's okay for you to feel angry at your friend. Anger is (one of many) natural reactions to loss. But I also want to add something, for perspective:

There are certain mental illnesses that strongly predispose people to suicide. And some of them have a strong genetic component. I believe (have only read a fragment) that Mariel Hemingway's book Running from Crazy talks about this. And Sylvia Plath's son also committed suicide.

So, you can blame genetics, possibly, which is to say, there's no one and nothing, really, to blame. But, if your relationship supports it, you might talk to the dad (or the stepmom) about getting the other kids on mood stabilizers if they show even mild signs of depression.

So, so sorry, once again.

I'm so sorry you, and the others in your town, have been touched by this.

I think you have to get rid of the idea of blame - it's natural to want to find a reason for this, or to say that "if only…." (the father had been more attentive, the doctor had been more proactive, the therapy had been more fruitful, the medication had cured it…) but that's so wrong. It's natural to move through the stages of grief, including shock and depression and anger. When you say, the daughter "has always been brilliant and I am sure she put on a good show," are you saying that "anyone should have seen that she was a risk"??? How can you presume to suggest that smart kids wheedle their way out of therapy and can dupe a therapist/physician? Do you really know any of this? No - you are, understandably, looking to make sense of a senseless situation, but you must stop short of placing blame and suggesting that incompetence in someone else is the cause. Most of us have so much ignorance around depression and the intense pain that drives someone to suicide. Please don't take your own feeling of helplessness and turn it against someone else, especially when you don't know the situation. If someone really wants to commit suicide, they will - I'm sorry, but you cannot monitory someone 24/7.

No, don't pull the "new wife" aside to tell her anything. This is not your place, and it's SO not helpful. You can do something positive, like contacting the National Society for Suicide Prevention or an organization like Ben Speaks (Louder Than Words) which provides programs and support for survivors of suicide and also puts on awareness programs and anti-bullying programs for young people. Bullying is a huge cause of suicide among tweens and teens. We also don't do a very good job in this country of addressing mental illness, which is an epidemic and something that still carries an enormous stigma. So I would start with getting advice on what to say, what not to say, and how to take action in a positive way. It cannot be focused on the family's surviving children - they have enough in their lives without being under a microscope, with everyone wondering "Are they next?"

I think you should get some expert advice. My family has been through suicide, I know many families who have, and they are all reaching out to organizations that specialize in order to get closure and support.

Oh, L., I am so sorry. That is such tragic, sad news.

I have no experience with this so I really don't know the right words to say. As a friend, probably all you can and should do at this time is offer words of sympathy and hugs.

It's too soon for advice, probably, but the only think I might offer in your situation, once some time has passed, is the suggestion of a suicide support group, because sometimes the only people who can really comfort you are others who have experienced the same thing. But maybe they have already done that.

Hugs to you.

Yikes. Im so sorry to hear this, L.!!

No advice needed right now. Just be there. Don't worry much about what to say. Everyone is in shock. People say not to say "Sorry for your loss" and such due to "it's not the right thing" but honest, no one is focusing on you and what you say, so speak from the heart. "She was brilliant and I loved her so much". And instead of asking them to ask you for what they need, come up with favors you can do and just do them. Be there to listen.

My heart is breaking for you and everyone involved-it's so tragic!!

I've not had it happen around me and I would not presume to give advice.

I do know they are blessed to have you as their friend at a time like this.
I'm sure your heart will guide you to do what's needed.
May God comfort and guide you all.

OMG
There are no words.

No advice from me; the other posts have lots of good reminders in them. Suicide, especially in a young adult, is so hard to process and accept. I know you will offer whatever support you can to the remaining family members, and I hope you can take the time for your own grieving. I send you LOTS of electronic hugs, good energy, and prayers for strength.

Awful. Please don't say what can I do to help. They will not tell you. Instead just do it. Make a meal, offer to drive kids etc. be specific. So sad.

No advice, but sending prayers their way and your way. What a tragedy for this family and all those who know them.