Developing a Less Anxious Attitude Towards Sex

Having been through 7 years of pretty consistent molestation, I know where you are coming from. I also did the revert into myself (NO ONE could touch me for a long time) thing. It can be very difficult to "let it go" (and I'm not saying that in a forget it happened kind of let it go way).

One suggestion ... get to know your body in every way (touch, taste, sight (use a mirror), smell). Do this with and without your husband. What do you REALLY like? What do you REALLY dislike? etc. Basically PLAY with yourself in any number of ways to find what works and what doesn't work for you. EVERY woman should do this in my opinion. Knowing your own body is important not just for sexual health but for physical health too.

Also ... identify what your triggers are. Is it the sex itself? certain touches? certain looks? certain "moods" (lighting, sounds, smells, etc)? A good way to see if there is a pattern to the "freak outs" is to keep a journal. Write down as much as you possibly can about what was happening and so forth when the freak out occured. What was in your head and so forth. If or when you can identify triggers then you will be able to deal with them ... either by working through them or by avoiding them.

Finally ... it's going to take work to get past it ... and some things are NEVER going to go away. It's just that simple. There will ALWAYS be things you just can't handle ... and that's OK. ACCEPTING that is important. Understanding and accepting that this happened, you weren't responsible for it and that YOU are in charge now will help also. Easier said than done .. believe me ... I KNOW. But keep working at it. It's worth it.

As a final thought ... something I try to get through to my idiot brother (love him though I do) ... Yes we had a shitty childhood, but we're not children anymore. We have CHOICES now that we didn't have then. And we can choose to live a different, better, happier life. It takes work and really a willingness to let go as much as possible and accept that the past can't be changed. But my today is in my hands and for the most part I can make it what I want it to be.

Good luck sweety. Feel free to PM me if you want.

I was going to ask a similar question, because my husband deserved to have more intimacy with me, and my depression gets in the way and i just don't feel like it as often as i should.

making time for it probably is important for both of us.

i know this sounds hookie, but for you i was going to suggest a hypnosis cd to listen to, if you cant do therapy. I admit another thing i started and stopped was that i borrowed a paul mckenna book and cd set from my library that was just about making positive changes in your life.

your question also makes me think maybe you just need to get more comfortable with your own body. spend some time smoothing some lotion on after a shower and just enjoy the feel of your skin. I don't know how comfortable you feel with that, but you could just do hands and feet and work up to more of you.

I applaud you for asking this question and working on making things better for you and your hubby, he sounds like a good guy.

I don't know.
You've had a few bad experiences - and some good ones.
The anxiety over the bad ones is the scab you keep on picking at.
You feel the way you feel and don't have a lot of control over it.
But at the same time - your husband isn't responsible for your bad experiences - so why your anxiety kicks in with HIM is the crux of the mystery.
Somehow you've lumped ALL sex into the same pot as your bad experiences.

Perhaps you need to approach this sideways.
Consider that anxiety and anticipation are somewhat similar (it's a different kind of anxiety - it can be a milder but pleasant anxiety).
You're subconscious is confused about that.
Think things through about how your husband is so good in your life.
And then maybe looking forward to the next 'Wow!" won't be so bad.

I did have a sex ed teacher in school tell us this:
The most important sexual organ in the human body is not between our legs but between our ears (our brains).
He wasn't wrong!

I worked with people who've been through something similar and the advice they gave to them when they had intercourse as adults was to spend the time to relax - back massage, just cuddling, etc. first.

I know people go on about foreplay a lot to get women aroused, but with women with anxiety issues or past fears, or insecurities even - simple relaxation techniques can be very helpful.

One lady used to have a 3 minute back massage by her husband to begin with. It just totally calmed her down. Her husband found it arousing just to be close to her. Anyhow, it did the trick for her. She was able to let go and enjoy herself.

A massage like that might work for you, or simply other relaxation techniques you could employ that suit you. But that was a common bit of advice they used to give.

Good luck :) Glad you found a nice guy!

The best thing you can do is to be sure your partner is aware of your past and be completely transparent about how you feel. Let him know that it's not about him at all, and let him know when those feelings happen so that you can work through them together.

My first marriage was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive. My husband and I have talked about it. We say, "When you lie down with a dog, you'll get up with fleas." The emotional impact that my ex still has on me today is "fleas." When I feel especially anxious or upset by something my husband says or does, I think "is this REALLY something about my husband, or is it upsetting to me because of my ex?" If it's my ex, I'll say, "Honey, I have fleas about this," and we'll talk it through. It also helps me to be aware and not to punish my husband for a past he had nothing to do with.

I know that's not exactly an answer to your question, but hopefully it helps you in working through this with your partner.

ETA: I see what you mean, yes. And it's wonderful that your husband is so understanding.

I would say, for me, that the emotional intimacy and openness that I share with my husband has really helped my own anxieties. Being able to be 100% completely open with him with no reservation or fear of judgment allows for such a level of emotional intimacy that we also have a deeper physical intimacy. I know on a deep emotional level that the level of intimacy that I have with my husband is not the same or comparable with my ex/abuser. This has become internalized over time and has helped me to work through the anxiety. I TRUST my husband and that level of trust helps me to feel at ease.

For me, getting to this point has just taken time and talk and physical touch.

Is your husband aware of the past bad experiences you experienced as a tween? My opinion? If he's not, I think he needs to be.
I've not dealt with molestation or trauma in my own life but know someone who has.
Does it make you more comfortable to be the O. in complete control?
I think talking about this to your husband would be the best thing for you.
AND if you have a word or a gesture you can use in case the anxiety gets too uncomfortable that, if said or made, stops all activity until you're comfortable again. (Maybe this is too extreme for your level of progress re: traumas--but might be nice to know -- and hubby understand -- that it might be a good option to have.)
I'll bet your husband is kind & gentle enough to work through this with you.
Good luck.

Sex is more than intercourse. Start slow. Make it about the journey, not the destiantion.
If intercourse happens, it happens, but don't make that the main goal.
Just do things that make each other feel good. Lots of touching, stroking, kissing, nibbling.
Sometimes my husband and I will bring each other to climax without penetration ever happening.

ETA: The anxiety may never go completely away, but it will fade with time and love.
I was forcibly sodomized almost thirty years ago. While I don't have difficulty getting intimate with my husband, he knows that anything involving my anus is verboten because it can trigger flashbacks.
And I still ocassionally have nighmares about being raped. He knows that when he wakes me from a screaming, fist-swinging sleep that he may get hit, and he accepts that risk.

I was sexually abused more than once over the years by various assorted people at different stages of growing up. So I really do get where you are coming from.

There is no easy way to get to healthy and whole than to put in the work.

You've been given some great answers about exploring touch, taking inventory of your thought life, and having a safe word to express what you are going though when faced with a tough time.

I'm happily married and enjoy a wonderfully rich sex life with my husband. There are times when I struggle but it is mostly in my own body and while I work through the angst in my head, my hubby helps me work it out in my body. I think you and your husband could start the beginning of a beautiful new life as you work through this. I really hope this helps.