Did I Do the Right Thing Regarding My Son and This School Activity?

Next time get his teacher's opinion. Since she's the one with him all day in the school environment (which is very different from the home environment) she will have the best advice.

He should have participated.

If it would have gotten out of control the teachers could remove him.

In a lot of ways, what you did, was punish him for something he hasn't even done yet.......doesn't seem very fair to me.

In my educational assistant training we were taught that children with behavioural issues need physical activity more than any other students, and that we should never take away recess or gym class as punishment. Less physical activity will equal more behaviours.

honestly, after dealing with kids for the past 25+ years, I have found that ... consistently, kids behave better with people other than their parents. :)

99% of the kids I've worked with....behaved & performed better...when away from the parent. Right now, in my daycare, I have a pair of siblings. Each day they fight Mom in/out of my home. I have zero fighting from them for the 10 hours/day they're with me. & when I say "fight", I mean I've seen them swing a punch, kick, scream, wail, whine, rant, push, shove....not only each other but Mom, too.

Freakin' insane, & if they bring it in my home......they are instantly put in timeout as soon as Mom leaves + they have to apologize to our group for being so rude. It fascinates me that I can hear the fighting all the way across my driveway, up the sidewalk, & on my porch. As soon as the door opens, they both straightened up & behave. :) So it's very possible that the behavior you see is not always what the teacher sees.

My vote is to allow your son to join in with the other kids. He needs the physical release, he needs the sense of community....not isolation.

I would think that this would be an excellent opportunity for him. I would not use keeping him from something fun at school (this is DURING School, not after, right?) as a correction for poor behavior at home. At home behavior needs at home correction. Sometimes at school behavior needs follow up at home (as well as at school). But not at home behavior being corrected at school.

I think you give him specific rules about the run, though. Here is what has been happening when you run: ___. IF that happens during this event at school, you will be made to stop and sit it out. Let the teachers handle that natural consequence. You just remind him what to do (as much as what not to do)... Watch that you stay in a group running your same pace. or Leave "this" amount of distance between you and the person in front (or to the side) of you. Keep your arms close to your body so you aren't accidentally hitting someone nearby, and so they don't accidentally hit you.
etc.

Also remember, that ADHD or not, kids can get out of control at home at the end of a long day at school, ESPECIALLY at his age. They are doing all they can to "keep it together" at school, and when they get home they are in their safe zone, where mom will love them no matter what happens. They lose their cool, they test, they let it all hang out, because they have spent all morning (or all day) struggling to keep it together for everyone else. I would imagine with ADHD, this phenomenon might be even MORE pronounced.
Not an excuse for his poor choices or behavior at home, but maybe shedding a little light? Can you figure out some ways to help him blow off some steam right after school? It might help some.

Also, talk with his teacher(s)... what do they suggest? Communication with his teachers can help you help them and him, and they can help you, too.

And it might be a good idea to follow Dawn's suggestion to have other causes for his running into things ruled out.

I would have asked the Teacher her thoughts. I do agree that my defiant little girl, behaves much better with her Teacher than with me; maybe that's the case with your son.

Boys benefit so much from physical activity - it esp can help w/ADHD symptoms. To me, it doesn't make much sense to have him sit quietly in a classroom when that would be a far more challenging (not to mention less fun) activity for him. He needs to out allowed out to run around.

As soon as he hits into someone, he needs to be stopped and the behavior needs to be addressed. "Honey, you just ran into that boy. What do you say?" (I'm sorry...) It will help him become more intentional.

I would ask the teacher if he can still do it, even if the slips were due. Just explain your thought process and say you thought the better of it and you think it would be a great thing for him and see what she says.

I would let him try. You might be surprised at how well he does! My kids seem so wild to me, but their teachers tell me how wonderful they are. Of course, I get them at the end of the day, and all the wildness returns!

It really might not be too late. Do you take him to school? Just run inside and ask the office staff if it would be ok to sign the permission slip today. Of course the schools want everyone to make a decision a week prior to the event. That makes it easier to plan things. They know to expect a few last minute changes. What could it hurt to ask?

FYI, some other posters have mentioned this, but when my son was about 4-5 he used to run into people on purpose. He almost seriously injured an elderly relative in frail health. Turns out he had some sensory issues and went through OT, which helped. As for the run and for future situations, I'm one of those who firmly believes that kids with behavioral problems need more exercise, not less. Good luck.

If you don't let him try things, he won't be successful.

I would have let him do it. Often they act different when we are not around, and the teachers would be watching him. If it were me, I would send a permission slip in with a "I'm sorry I forgot (or changed my mind)" and see if they take it. I am betting they would rather him be out there than have to have someone in with him babysitting him. And I would think that the physical activity would help his hyperactivity.

This is one activity that he would do great in! You should celebrate his energy and channel it into this fun day. I would go and tell him he can go but he needs to practice walking until he gets on the field---then he can let loose and run run run! As far as the other things you are dealing with, see if he is upset about something and encourage him to talk about it and verbalize his feelings instead of acting out. But my 2cents is to let the boy run and have a good time!

Cut him loose-let him participate-focus on how he is able to roll with the crowd and fit in-not on how unruly he is. It sounds like just what he might need.

I think you did the right thing. Even if he has a medical condition that contributes to his behavior, that is still something he owns, and will have to deal with all his life. As hard as it is to see your son (or imagine him while he is at school) hurting or being sad, he still has to know that there are consequences to every action he takes. If his actions are positive, the outcome will be positive, and vice versa. Judging from his behavior this afternoon, it doesn't sound like he deserves the fun activity. Surely he will be a very sad little boy tomorrow during the fun run, but at the same time, he will think about why you didn't allow him to participate. Maybe that will serve as a reference point the next time he wants to do something and you tell him, "Well, we will have to see how your behavior is, and if you can handle yourself properly!" - he will know you're serious. I've always felt that discipline should be memorable. That's why it works.

Sorry you're going through this. I hope you can find some solutions for the little guy that help! :(

I think I'd let him try it and see what the teacher says. And I'd let him know that you will be getting a report on how he did which will decide whether he participates in the future.

He's still very young and the teachers have seen this type of behavior before. They will probably handle it better than you would. And sometimes my son would surprise me with being able to hold it together at school (and then letting it "fly" at home).

Good luck - I know it's hard.

ETA: One of the best things about homeschooling, for us, was seeing a lessening of this intense type of behavior. School is so extremely stimulating and stressful for some kids.

ETA2: Oops - thanks for the SWH! Well, it's good to think it through for the future. Great job Mom!

Can you go along on the trip? I would ask the teachers. If they think they can handle him, then you should let him go. They are experts (supposedly), after all. I don't think avoidance is a way to train him.

Also, remember he's only 5. That's very young.

I say let him go, and go along as an escort, if they let you.

ETA: Okay, saw your What Happened -- let him go next time. And many responses suggested that kids behave better for other adults, which is very true. Completely agree with Sue H.

You do understand that if he does have ADHD that he has very little, if any, amount of control over his impulse actions right? If his brain is firing off crazy and not syncing up he has NO control over that....that is one of the hardest things for ANYONE to understand about ADHD. Their brain is not working right and they have little decision in how they react.

That does not mean he should not be taught the difference between right and wrong, it just means that when he makes a mistake that he's not already feeling stupid because he didn't want to do that in the first place. It just spurted out of his brain and his body followed along before he even realized it was going to happen.

If he had seizures he would be the same, no control of the action of seizing. He does not have the ability to control these actions anymore than if he was epileptic and trying to think his body into not having a seizure.

His brain is firing off and shooting it's information randomly, all over the place. The neuro pathways don't work right since the brain of an ADHD person is so random and frantic. It is not working right, the meds speed it up and suddenly the synapses starts to sync up and they are working right. The information suddenly starts moving along the neuro pathways the right way and they suddenly start having a normal thought process.

That's why it's so hard for parents to "get" why the ADHD meds work. They speed them up so why does that work? It makes everything get in sync and it just starts working the way it's supposed to.

It's a biological illness, not a choice a 5 year old child can make.

I suggest you discipline the actions that occur with a loving heart, use them as a teaching moment not a punishment, and help him to feel empathy towards the other kids so that he'll be a more compassionate person overall. I also suggest that you go to the activities with him and walk along side him so that he can have that additional support he may need with so much going on around him.

You did the right thing, Mom.

When I knew that my kids couldn't handle themselves in public, I did not put them in the situations, especially when it was a hardship on others. Part of it is maturity and part of it is behavioral and part of it is just knowing your child's limits.

What do you think he would learn if after all this naughty behavior today (spraying your perfume - wow!) if you let him do this "fun run"? He'd learn that the worse his behavior, the more he can get you to give in to what he wants. You would be setting him up to bully you.

You must not let him do this. You are the adult. He is the child. You choose his activities based on what he can be successful at, and when he is not, you give a consequence.

That doesn't mean that you don't understand about his problem with impulsiveness. But you don't let him use it to gain power.

Please don't second guess yourself when it comes to holding him to a standard of behavior.

Separate from this, but I think worth mentioning here. Have you had him evaluated by an OT who specializes in sensory integration disorder? I would do that, to be honest. I would also seek out a pediatric opthamologist and ask for his depth perception to be checked out. Those two things should be ruled out in regards to him knocking into people, just to be sure.

Good luck,
Dawn

I can see your perspective on why you did not have him participate. Was his bad behavior tonight because he knows he isn't gettign to do it, Or is this just typical behavior near the end of the week?

I wonder if in the future it would be possible for you to chaperone the event, so that he can participate, BUT have guidance so that if he should knock someone down it isn't ignored or doesn't take away from the supervion of the rest of the group while teacher is redirecting him for the twentieth time. You'd be right there with him.

Good luck getting it all figured out.

I would suggest finding things to reward instead of things to punish. You mentioned all kinds of things he does wrong. Is your son hearing you tell people about his bad behavior? Maybe he feels like he gets more attention from being bad.

Try catching him doing something positive and reward him with praise. Be sure to mention it to your husband while your son is in ear shot as well. You gt the idea. He may start trying to get some rewards. The best rewards are things that give him one-on-one time with you or your husband. If he struggles with ADHD, this won't be completely successful, but even a little bit of improvement would be nice, I'd think.

Be sure your kid doesn't find out what his diagnosis is. No kid wants a negative label.

Sometimes you are going to have to try him out (or let him try things at school) and see how it goes.
It might be a disaster or it might not.
There will be other activities.
Try not to beat yourself up about it.

I agree with Gidget - bring him into school with the signed slip and see what they say. Maybe they will allow him to participate, maybe not - but it doesn't hurt to ask the question.

If he can participate, make sure he knows his behavior during this activity will determine whether or not he can participate in future special events.

If he can not participate, let him know it's because of his behavior thus far (i.e. running into other kids) and that if he is able to correct that behavior he can participate in the future.

Although, his behavior at home this evening doesn't seem to make him deserving of a special activity at school, but I can see where leaving him out may make him act out more.

Hopefully the results of his ADHD evaluation will make more clear how to handle his behavior, at home and at school.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

I am not understanding why you'd think that making him sit still and be left out was the better option?

Hopefully you get some answers and a course of treatment when he gets evaluated.