Didn't Get Married for Love, Should I Make It Work?

Updated on February 24, 2010
A.S. asks from Virginia Beach, VA
4 answers

I have quite an extended issue here. In short form, I signed papers with my husband, hoping for the ultimate "nuclear family" for our child, who was then a toddler. I believe I was in love with the thought of a family, not with him. I had not been for years. I was excited until he showed complete disregard for our financial security by blowing the savings account while out of town. That was the moment when my whole "dream" fell apart. I realized this would not be what I had hoped for. When he returned, he went out constantly, hardly ever spent time with us, spent money like water, and was ugly towards me like it was my fault because I didn't want to spend time with him anyway. I withdrew, became vulnerable, and ended up becoming attracted to another man. He was helpful, funny, smart, gave me real advice (not just the head nod and the "well do whatever you want" line), and I had no intentions of falling for this person. He was what I would've always wanted, had I chosen for those reasons. He and I have drifted because we both have a guilty conscious about the situation. On the other hand, the husband had been meeting female "friends" at bars, eating with them, texting them, and lying about me. It was fuel to the fire. I knew I wanted to leave, but for whatever reason, I stayed. We had a knockdown drag out ending with me saying I wanted my best friend back. He ended up using that line against me a few months later, but I meant it at the time. I'm not a romantic person, I don't care for flowers or candy, or dates. I'd rather not ever have rose petals on anything, and sex really isn't a big deal to me. He is not a super romantic or thoughtful person either, so I'm sure that's not much of an issue to him. He ended up going away again for a very long time and we are on good terms now. He seems to always know what he's got when he can't be with it. I could care less if he ever spends time with me, I am concerned for the little one. I see him as a friend, nothing more. I hear many people say find a way to fall back in love with your husband before you leave, but what happens if that was never the case to begin with? He will take out the trash or whatever else if I ask him to, but he seems to have no motivation to help out very much. He will take the child to her things sometimes when his schedule allows, and I can see that he loves them 100%. He just has a crappy way of showing it sometimes. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I think regardless of the outcome, it will happen. Had anyone ever made such a mistake? If so, what did you decide to do? I don't want him to live his life with a woman that's not in love with him, because that's not fair. But is true love even real?

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Wow.. already you all have given such great responses.. It almost makes me want to cry to know that I'm not alone. I moved to another state to be here and sometimes I feel like it's me against the world. I think the hardest part is that now all of a sudden he tells me he loves me, we are everything to him, etc etc. It makes me feel so selfish to consider leaving because of my feelings (or lack thereof) towards him. I've always worked hard to make sure he was able to have a relationship with my child and sometimes I resent that because I feel as if he did not earn it. He walks on water to her, and I know in my heart it's because of me, not because he's been that great to her. He seems to be trying, but he also has been working constantly for months. I worry that as soon as the opportunity arises for him to be out and about again he may do all that again. I've always had trust issues with him and he has been looking through my emails, etc. in the recent past. I'm assuming because he thinks there is someone other than himself to blame for the way I feel at times. If I don't get intimate with him every so often it just gets worse and he make comments to me about me having a boyfriend, or something else childish. He doesn't even know that I know about all of the women. In the past, he's denied everything, so I choose not to waste my breath only to have it thrown in my face. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that he is a good person at heart, I just feel as if he doesn't understand that there's more to this than buying toys, giving the pets a bath sometimes, and remembering to pick up his beer bottles. I've always been the one in his life he would call to give him rational advice and I wonder sometimes if he believes he loves me because I've always been there for him. He is not my child's bio father, but delivered her and has been the only dad she knows. We married because he's in the military and in order for us to move here, it had to be that way (BAH, etc.). Maybe that will clarify why I'm so concerned? I feel like if I walk, I'm taking something away from her.

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

Yes, love is real. It takes work... .continuously, like a "job." Despite pro's and con's to a certain extent. Or you problem solve or go to counseling for the betterment of the relationship and family/children.

Or, look at arranged marriages. These couples do not start out with "love." BUT, arranged marriages have good statistics about longevity and cohesive marriages, long term.

Idealizing "love" and "family" is something we all do and hope for. But, to a certain extent, you then have to put "reality" into the dynamics. And, a persons "expectations" of that, will affect the outcome and the "feelings" toward one another and the success of the relationship. It is about compromise and give & take and commiserating and working things out, jointly.

If 2 people, a couple, are always off doing their own thing... without regard for the overall health and goodness of the relationship & family/children... then that is like being a single parent and room-mates. With the other partner not partaking in the daily necessities of the family/spouse unit, and children.

Some people, (I have a friend like this), always will just want "idealized' relationships/marriage... because that is the way they view "love." But so my friend, even if she met many great marriage-material men, always ended the relationship because things on her "check-list" of love and relationships/marriage was not all met. HER mistake is that, she will never find anyone, to meet ALL her "ideals"... because it is not based on "realness". So, she pursues "idealized" connotations of "love" and partners... not realness in these relationships or men. So... she will never meet anyone who fulfills her or is good enough. AND, the men are left disgruntled... because she is never satisfied. A person who can never be satisfied, even if they have "everything" in a man, will NEVER have all that they want.

Next, your partner/Husband seems irresponsible. And granted, it is negative for you/the family/child/marriage. Both of you are not on the same page. He seems to have many issues... and being selfish. But how are you? How does HE feel about all this? Have you both talked it out....?
Have you both gone to counseling? is there even a desire to "fix" it, for him and you? He does not even act like a proper/responsible Dad. No one seems to be trying, or maybe there is just no sense of "dedication" to the marriage and relationship... or there is just no compatibility.

But again, going back to "arranged marriages"... even these couples have success... and children and families. In these cultures, it works. It is a mind-set and a cultural difference as well.

I don't have any answers. But counseling would be the best. These "problems" are not something that can be solved over-night. But even counseling takes desire and dedication... and teamwork. If not, it will be moot.

I really hope, there is a rainbow for you and your family.... I know its hard.. but the "premise" of your marriage/family ideals are in conflict. Each partner going his/her own way. Your child... will get affected by it all. As you know.

Next, there is "growing together" as a couple. And this takes daily commitment too, and being "real" about it and your expectations being "real" and reasonable. Attainable and it takes work, jointly.

Just some quick thoughts,

All the best,
Susan

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

B.N.

answers from Los Angeles on

I got divorced about a year ago and here is my advice. Marry someone that like to be around. I do believe that true love exists but I think we put too much pressure on it sometimes. I believe that it is better for kids to have two happy parents that don't live together rather that two parents that live together and are miserable as that is setting a bad example for your kids for their future. I got divorced for other reasons than you have listed here but one of the deciding factors for me was that I didn't want my son to grow up seeing his mother being disrespected by his father. I saw this with both my parents multiple times (they divorced when I was 4 and went thru multiple relationships that failed) and refused to let me son see this. I am more happier now that I thought possible as it broke my heart to file for divorce and even more that my son's father moved to a different state one week after I filed (he has only visited our son once since he moved over a year ago). Do what is best for you and that will be best for your kids.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

B.H.

answers from Detroit on

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. It must be very difficult to live in a house with this type of stress and I'm sure your child can pick up on the tension. I think kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for and they know when their parents do like or love each other. It's in the body language. And I think it hurt them more to stay together because they have to expeirence and live under that type of stress.
You say you don't love him but his actions shows that he may have similar feelings. I could be wrong but I was under the belief that when people who did not love each other got married they had other positive things going on that would make the union worth while in someway. Maybe for health insurance and or financial reasons. If that is the case at least the two people should have mutual respect for the others feelings. It does not sound to me that you two have that. And if that is the case you are not doing the child anygood by making yourself miserable.
He can be a great father to his child even if he is not married to you. You say that he deserves a wife that loves him? I think you deserve a husband that loves you as well.
Is true love real? I think that it is. I have been married over 10 years and I truly love my husband dispite or disagreements and arguments. But its a different type of love. It's based on two people doing their part to make a home and happy family. As well as having a mutual respect or partnership. More sensible I think not like a teenage love when you are "crazy in love" kissing and huggging and holding hands all the time.
I'm sure you will make the right decision. Good luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.B.

answers from Sarasota on

I been in the same boat as u . Sometimes love is good to separate for a while. My husband was the same as ur's but he did'nt see other girls. I fell in love with his bestfriend only because he seemed to listen and take the time for me. WE separated for a year and i was pregant too. Today we are back together and it's been 6 yrss now. It has made our relationship stronger.
Maybe u should talk to him about how u feel and ask him what he wants too. Don't just stay in it for the kid. Do it for ur self . Good luck

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions