C.C.
I guess you have to ask yourself if you're better of with him or without him.
From where I sit, I think you should probably try a trial separation. Either you or he should move out. Under no circumstances should you live together again until he agrees to and goes to counseling. If he won't agree to counseling, then he's not serious about saving your marriage. It sounds like he enjoys having his cake and eating it, too, and that's not fair to you. Additionally, you both have been able to avoid dealing with this for 9 months (!) because you work opposing schedules. That's a long time to avoid having a discussion and coming to some kind of resolution. You need to figure out why you are willing to put up with this - what is the payoff for you? How would life be different if you decided to stand up for yourself? Just some things to think about.
Good luck.