Husband Not Happy, Regrets....

It sounds to me like he's depressed, so I would insist he speak to a therapist or someone who can prescribe medication if needed. He's unhappy. He has no motivation to do anything different. He remains unhappy. That seems to me to be internal vs external. We all have times when family and work and marriage is more putting one foot down at a time, but if it's ongoing, I'd look for other issues.

If you are truly uninvested in the marriage and do not want to fix it, then you should file for divorce. A friend of mine divorced her husband after many years of his refusal to treat his depression. Only you know if you are at that point or not.

Has he tried talking to his doctor about depression and/or anxiety? Maybe he should try some different drugs to see if it helps. Has he tried going to a therapist? My uncle had this happen to him...one of his son's was very difficult. My aunt is awesome and we all thought they were doing great...but he just decided he was unhappy and he gave up and left his marriage. He was about 50 when this happened. He started exercising and got extremely fit and started dating someone else. It was a total shock to my aunt bc she had no idea he was that unhappy. He did not try marriage counseling or anything. He now lives in new zealand with his girlfriend.

I'll be reading the responses to this.

Yes I've been in your shoes. Still am, actually. I married a guy who should never have married anyone, ever. I at least have the clarity to know it's not me, it's him. He also says things (not to the kids, only in therapy or to me) like "I have four kids and didn't have a say in creating any of them" - yeah, they just arrived out of thin air with no input from him. Yet I also know that without us, he'd be miserable too. He's juts a miserable, unhappy, fundamentally selfish person. He has also been diagnosed over the years with with depression, ADHD, cyclothymia (a mild form of bi-polar - his depressed cycles last long and he's very irritable and tired during them and his manic cycles are shorter and more like how a normal person feels just with less sleep and less impulse control), hates his job, is overweight, etc. He is always in therapy, tries various meds, we do marriage couseling on and off, and generally try to work things out but at the end of the day, he's a fundamentally unhappy person. There's really nothing I can do about it either.

I think what's so mind blowing about people like your husband and mine is that to me, the ability to say such hurtful, awful things to another person, who should be their other half, indicates that they don't see us as real people who also have real feelings and will react to their words and actions. I sometimes find myself reminding my husband that the rest of us living in our house - his family - are not just here for decoration. He's incredibly self-absorbed and inwardly focused on "poor me." That's inability to recognize that other people have feelings and are as important as you are is also sign of depression.

Honestly it sounds to me like he may have depression and isn't just an insensitive a-hole. He may have low testosterone, which also mimics depression in many ways. I would tell him that he needs to see his doctor and have a frank discussion with him about how he feels physically and emotionally and go from there.

And have you been to marriage counseling? If you haven't, go now - like yesterday now. If you have and have stopped, then go back. This is not normal or healthy. Trust me that you can only go so long like this before you either snap or check out completely.

How sad and difficult for you. I think I'd also be angry.

I think it's possible that he keeps saying this because he's trying to get a connection with you. He wants to hear you say that you want him to stay.
I suggest that you start trying to see this as a plea for help. He doesn't want to leave. He wants to share happiness with you and he doesn't know how to get back to those early days when you two were together emotionally.

He's depressed and he may not be able to verbalize this. He's not thinking clearly. He only knows that he's terribly unhappy and that he does not want to leave. He wants you and your family.

Naturally, you've disconnected from him in order to take care of yourself and the kids because of his years of unhappiness (depression). He's become aware that things have changed and he's even more unhappy.

I urge you to get him to the doctor for a physical and an antidepressant medication. How long has it been since he's had a physical? Often we're in trouble emotionally when we're not well physically. His unhappiness is more than his physical health. It just may be a part of it. And his doctor can give him antidepressents.

Also, get both of you into counseling. Learn how to make this relationship work for both of you or find out that it is time to call it quits. Get help! Your situation is very difficult and complex. I see your husband pleading for understanding and help with his sadness. And you isolating yourself just to hang on. Both of you are in a great deal of pain. And, I know, from personal and professional experience, that counseling will make life so much easier.

Buy him the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge. Read it quick before you hand it over to him.

http://www.amazon.com/Wild-Heart-Discovering-Secret-Mans/...

He's depressed and needs his "man card" back. Help him heal.

ETA: For goodness' sake, please don't divorce him for his sharing his feelings with you. He's feeling depressed and uncertain. A real wife will respond with grace and mercy. Ensure that he knows that you love him and want to work through this hard time with him. The rainbow only comes after the rain.

It sounds like a mid-life crisis on top of current stress and worry. Maybe instead of offering him "freedom" you could reassure him that YOU don't regret marrying him and having children with him. Reassure him that YOU love HIM and remind him that you're there to support him while he sorts out his feelings. Don't push him away. Ask him if he'd like to go out on some child-free dates or a child-free weekend. Give him opportunities to talk and vent. Get some of his favorite comfort foods from when he was a kid.

EDIT: I just have to add that it looks like I insinuated that what your husband said to you is normal. It's not. It's the words of a man that I do think is depressed, but also likely having a mid-life crisis and downing in stress. The point of my post was to press the point that I don't think he would take the message of you "giving him freedom" the way you intend it. It might come off as, "Well... I tell her I regret marrying her and having children with her but instead of telling me she loves me and doesn't regret us or our family she offered to let me go." I don't think he was looking for validation of his feelings, but reassurances that he was wrong.

Freedom?? Freedom??
Ya..just wait til he is strapped with alimony,child support,court dates,scheduled visits with kids and then gets into another relationship with a woman with kids and then is saddled with her past baggage.(not that kids are baggage...but I am eluding to the new honey's life's past decisions)

He has no common sense understanding to the actual freedom he has now.

Oh Sunni.. I am so sorry. And to the countless other women living in these loveless...dead marriages.

I don't know if I have any advice that will help.

I would simply work on YOUR happiness and do things that fill you up. But...also do those things that you have been doing for him. Don't do them thinking it will change him...only HE can decide when he will take ownership of his actions/feelings/depression/unfulfilled happiness etc. Do the dinners etc because you love him and are trying to make your home a happy and inviting place to be.

Don't file for divorce!! He needs to own his decision to ditch out on the covenants/commitments/children/wife/ he fully took on. He needs to file if it is his decision. Don't let him take the coward's way out and wait til you get so tired of his childish immaturity and end up filing.

Tell him he will have to sit your children down and face them and tell them he is leaving.

Yes..payback with an angry teenager is hard. But like you said...your husband was hard on him over the years. He grew a rebellious ,angry young man.

And your husband is so wrapped up in his own selfish unfulfilled grandeur that again your teenage son is going to lay it on stronger!! Your son needs a mature father...not one that is going to escape when the going gets tough.

Tell your husband that you expect a man to rise to the challenges of life...not take a cop out of unfulfilled dreams. Good MEN do not have mid life crises...immature,childish men do.

We have never gone to marriage counseling. But we have attended marriage classes as well as parenting classes. These helped bring us closer, get us on the same page, and overall helped strengthen our marriage. Maybe suggest a community marriage class before therapy. A class is less invasive and intimidating. It helps us sometimes to hear criticism or advice from a "professional" in a class forum not directed at you than from eachother.

I wish you the best. I suggest you get your son in therapy. He is not seeing a healthy male role model. Don't let your son grow up to think men mope around the house, are hardliners on child behavior or detach emotionally when they are "unhappy".

I would also stop commiserating with him.. Change your approach to him all together. Don't give him a door to walk out of. You let him know this is his problem and he needs to fix it. You are trying to make your home happy and a refuge from the stress from work. Ask him what he is going to do to find a zest for life again. Put the ball in his court that HE needs to help himself.

Good golly...he rode his son so hard to follow rules,show respect, be obedient....and here your husband wants to ditch out life. So sad!! Tell him he owes his son a better example of how you take on a challenging situation and make the best of it and follow through til the end.

Good luck and best wishes!!

He is clinically depressed and needs therapy. Badly.

If he refuses then you need to decide for yourself if he is not willing to get better and regrets marrying you do you need to move on for your own good? He needs therapy, but if he won't go you might consider it for yourself.

Good Luck.

I am cool either way; I just want him to stop mopping about something that cannot be changed and expect some response from me because it is emotionally hard to hear this nonsense over and over again.

I think this line, from you, sums it all up. He is unhappy. You really don't seem to care that he is unhappy. Why are you still married to him? File for a divorce - maybe then he will find someone who cares about his feelings.

Sorry - just what I get from your post.

A few months back you were asking about finding a church in the area. Did you have any luck with that? Could you go talk to a pastor about it? Either with him or without him. If not a pastor, you should find a counselor. There is no shame in it. You've both been under tremendous stress, and it seems like he is cracking under the pressure.

My dad is in his early 60s and is having a mental breakdown right now, to the point that my mom, who has been married to him for nearly 40 years, has been getting depressed. My dad won't go to counseling, but my mom started going and it seems to be helping her. At this point they are living separate lives in the same house. But, I know that they do love eachother still. Nothing happened to break the love and commitment--this is just a very rough patch right now.

If I were in your shoes, I would stop offering him freedom. I tend to think that merely feeds into his "woe is me" cycle. Tell him that you don't regret marrying HIM, that you love him, that you want to work together to get back to a happy place. Try not to take his words too personally (harder to do than to say, I know). He is speaking out of hurt and frustration, but I don't think that it is an accurate reflection of his actual feelings for you and your kids. I think if he REALLY felt that it was all a big mistake, that he WOULD leave.

Big hug. What a tough time!

You can do lots to help.

He is probably going through a mid-life crisis. It sounds like a lot of it has to do with the stress on the job. Be nice. Be kind. Be praising of the things he does well. Have the attitude of gratitude. Say thank you for the things he does. (Thank you for working so hard for us. Thank you for putting your socks in the dirty clothes. Thank you for going for a walk with me. Thank you for being my husband. Thank you for loving me. Etc.)

I went through this and didn't know why I felt that way or what was happeneing to me. It took several years to work by it. It was a very difficult time. My wife didn't know why I was having this problems and she just stuck with me.

Stick by his side. This is one of the "worse" that you promised to stay with him through.

Good luck to you and yours.

There's a point, Sunni, after you've been kind and supportive and helped, over and over and over, that you need to stop putting up with his pity party. And that's what this is, a pity party. His life would not have necessarily been better on ANY level without you and kids in his life. He just wants to think that.

You take care of you and your kids. Make sure you have money and marital assets in your name so that if he walks out of the house, you will be okay. You can give him his "freedom", as you put it, but you hold a real leash as far as money is concerned. He does NOT get to duck out of his financial responsibility towards his family.

Start ignoring his pity party and harden your heart some. Enough of being hurt over him wishing he hadn't married you. Perhaps he's not such a "prize" either. You keep living your life and if the other shoe drops and he leaves, have all your ducks in a row. Maybe you won't miss him very much.

Dawn

My first husband never actually said he was unhappy, but I felt like there was nothing I could do TO make him happy. It was really tough on me. We split up in an ugly divorce.

I'm remarried and happy for years now, but I still always wonder if there was some way I could have made the situation better. Looking back I realize that my first husband needed professional help. And I did too. What a mess.

What I do know is that you can't change him. He really needs help with anxiety, depression - whatever it is going on in his head. It's not your job to fix his life.

I don't think you sound "cold" or whatever it is some are implying. People don't realize how freaking tough this kind of personality is to deal with. It can really make you crazy.

Please please please get professional help to sort through this.

Good luck.

do you act so callous when speaking to him as well? i mean the line that you J. dont care and that you keep offering him freedom seems sad and like you arent happy and dont care about his happiness.

I understand if for a long time you did care and this was ongoing and you;'ve reach a point of giving up but if thats not the case your reaction is not so good.

either way it seems like its over
either its been going on way too long and he wont go to the doctor and get checked out and you've both given up
or its a relatively new devlopment and you J. dont care

If i were you i'd fight like hell. Thats coming from someone who is divorced.

Honestly i;d fight until I reached a point of realzinng we were healthier apart for the sake of us and the kids

if you feel like theres any chance you could rekindle your relationship and you could both be happy i'd fight. if not i'd begin to plan to leave

I get it. You can not keep trying when he is not giving anything back and is just not happy. I think I would be reacting the same as you. I might also take it a step further and just tell him to elsewhere. Just go. I do not think I would waste another minute of my life with someone who does not want to be with me and our kids.
You deserve happiness also and love. Maybe he IS in midlife turmoil I call it men-opause. Men get it to! Maybe a Dr. appointment might help him.

Just want to express my condolences to you and your children. No, it isn't normal, nor a mid-life crisis, for a man to say that he regrets his wife and children. I certainly hope his children didn't hear him say that.

**Think hard about Lesley's answer to you, as well. I don't think, no matter how sad my husband was, I would ever quit caring how he felt or if he got a girlfriend, etc.

I'd file for divorce myself. F#%^ him & his unhappiness - you shouldn't let him sap the happiness and life out of you.

Imagine if one of your kids overhears him saying he regrets having kids!

It means marriage counseling, and lots of it, if you still want to try to fix the marriage. It takes 2 though, and it sounds like he may have depression or similar. You can't fix him, he has to want to fix himself.

"he answers that he can never leave his wife and the kids." may mean that he's waiting for you to be the "bad guy" that pursues divorce so he can claim innocence. Possibly not, but it happens quite a lot.

Changing my answer -- he sounds like he's depressed, and I second Marda's advice.

tell him to get on happy pills and go to counseling, and that he is stuck with the choice he did make so he better make it work and be what he wants

My response would be fine you feel that way i'm gone taking the kids you'll be getting the papers soon

He is seeing something that makes him think about what could have been. Every man gets to a period when he thinks, is this what I wanted? (not all men) They are plagued with thoughts of what they could be missing, and what it could be like without.

I think he will never leave you, because he does not want to be the bad guy. He wants the kids to see you throwing him out, his family to see that you left him, his friends to see that he tried. Your mutual friends choose him, because he would have made it work.

When you are with someone there are so many things you share, that if you let go, you loose the 50/50 unless your real friends already know he's an arse.

File for divorce. Let him take his happiness to a single room apartment closer to down town where all of his freedom is an isle of bars and clubs.

When it is all said and done, the people around you will know that he is to blame, and your children know he doesn't want to be there. I remember crying once when my oldest was 6 months. I remember her looking at me, and then she started to cry too. She was small but she could feel me. Your kids can feel him to. And there is nothing worse, then not being wanted. You are already living the life of a single mother. Might as well make it official.

Find you a man that values you at the highest margin. Leaving nothing to chance, but that of a bigger smile! But for a while, try and just enjoy be just you and babies. Nothing ever wrong with that.

So sorry you are dealing with this. I think it's great you aren't blaming yourself and have taken care of you and the kids. However, if he is still unwilling to help himself... you need to continue what you began. Go to therapy if you need to determine what YOU want. If you want out of the marriage and would be happier, that is ok. You can't make him do anything, but you can do what's best for you. Best of luck!