Have You Ever Lost Who You Are...

Yes I have "lost myself'. We went to marriage counseling, only a few sessions. I had to do a lot of soul searching, I was having a difficult time and had some depression. It must be very difficult to resurrect a marriage when you live in different states, and are feeling lost and confused. I hope these few videos will be helpful. They are only a few minutes long a piece, but are very inspiring and may give you some helpful ideas. Send your husband the links and talk about them together. My husband and I also read Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" book together and it helped not only our marriage, but ourselves as individuals greatly.

How Do I Love Thee
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&i...

Marriage and Divorce
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&i...

Moments that Matter Most
http://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages-gallery?lang=eng...

Expressions of Love
http://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages-gallery?lang=eng...

Sometimes though, people use the euphemism of losing oneself as sort of a copout... you don't need to find out who you were and pinpoint when you felt lost, but you need to make goals to go forward and find your happiness in your present state, since people change and especially as when life circumstances happen, such as motherhood. Often times, we simply feel lost b/c we went through the motions, we get stressed over life's issues, we have relationship struggles and so on. Getting back into a healthy pattern, a healthy relationship and a healthy self-actualization can help you get back on track. Excersize, find or renew a hobby you enjoy, pray, spend time with uplifting people, meditate, spend time with your family, focus on the positive... all things that can help you find yourself again.

Sorry you feel that way, I know it all too well.

Because I'm leaving for work, I will say this: the day my husband moved out, it was like the world lifted off my shoulders. SWEET RELIEF!

I'm ME again. I create my own happiness. No one and nothing can take that from me. Yeah, we all have crappy days, but I chose to look on the bright side, always. It doesn't happen over night, practice makes perfect. You have to chose to be happy, and apply it.

Be thankful and put your heart into what you have, not what you don't have.

You'll get there, keep your chin up :)

I don't really get it when people say "I lost myself". Could it be that you're just NOT that person any more? Why do you have to get back to that place? When you become a mother, your identity changes. You can't go back, and you shouldn't want to. It's normal for us to change in those times... and it's normal for our loved ones to reel at those changes... and it's even normal to have to re-assess relationships when you're not the same as you once were. That's all OK. But learn to love who you ARE, and stop wishing you were who you used to be.

Personally I hate the term lost one self. You haven't lost yourself, look in the mirror, you are still there. I guess I don't like it because it is inaccurate, you are there, what is going on is you don't like who you are. Not a good place to be but sugar coating it with a stupid saying that makes it sound so existential doesn't help to getting you back to liking who you are, where you are.

Clear as mud?

I have gone through a lot of stuff in my life. I can promise you this is all internal. You need to figure out where inside yourself are you happy, content. Right now you are looking at your husband, your son, they are external they can't actually make you happy, at least not over the course.

I used to be unhappy with who I was, and I looked to others to tell me I was what I wanted to be. Thing was I was already that person *I* just didn't see it. Friends and family are like a drug, feels good at the time but you have to keep coming back if you want the feeling to continue. Figuring it out for yourself it is with you all the time.

I definitely got lost when I was married.
All the things my husband claimed to love about me ended up being all the things he couldn't stand once we got married. I'm outgoing, personable, gregarious, creative. He shot that **** to hell. He was so controlling that all I ever did was try not to piss him off. And the harder I tried, the worse I seemed to fail. I couldn't do anything right and after some years of that you do begin to wonder where your place in this world is. I could do exactly as I was instructed and then he wouldn't be happy because I guess I should have just known that he changed his mind.

Long story short, my marriage didn't last forever and even though I've been single for about 15 years, I'm quite happy.

In my case, I was married to someone who wasn't happy with himself and it got taken out on me. Misery loves company.

One thing I have learned in life is that another person can't make you happy if you're not happy with yourself. If you're not happy with yourself, make a list of things that are important to you and that you enjoy and that you can do to make yourself feel fulfilled.

Go to the doctor. Rule out depression. Go to some counseling sessions and open yourself up to finding yourself again. Be advised that you AREN'T the same person you were 10 years ago. You aren't the same person you were 5 years ago. That's okay.

The hard part about some marriages is that one person may evolve and the other may not. Evolving together AS INDIVIDUALS, and feeling comfortable to do so, is really important.

I would venture to say that you aren't completely lost. Just maybe a bit off track.

I've said it a thousand times. Two half-people don't equal a whole person. It just doesn't work that way.

I would use this time to work on yourself and examining the things you truly want from this life. You may be able to find them with your husband. You might not.
Try putting yourself first for a change. See what happens.

Best wishes.

Yes, that's very common. I'd suggest counseling to help guide you in some questions you need to ask yourself, to help determine why you feel this way, what's changed, and what direction do you want to go now to get out. Sometimes, this could be a mini-midlife crisis where you just wake up and say "where am I, and who is this person's life I'm living?" Other times, it could be depression that needs medication. Other times, it's as simple as talking things out and making a few tangible changes a month to find your way back to where you want to be. I would say MOST of us have been there, or will experience it at some time. It CAN get better though!

I'm NOT a professional and do NOT know your whole story and why you are in the situation you're in....but I would say this: being married but separated and not even able to work things out with "dating" each other again, I would think you're kind of in a "no man's land", treading water. You're married, but alone, ya know? So then I would think you may feel confused on how you feel: single or married? Grieve the loss of a marriage, tap into love and work things out, or get on with building a new life? I would think being stuck in this middle area would be very hard. Counseling, even if just a couple sessions, and some serious heart to heart time with your husband could definitely help you figure out how to get out of this middle ground and back on a path to live your life.

Ya I have felt the way you have felt. I wouldn't call it loosing myself. I felt that I lost my way. Usually that feeling comes about because I haven't spent time in prayer considering what God would have me do. Once I pick up the prayers and really study my faith that all goes away.

Wow, you read my mind. I am feeling that way now. I honestly not sure I ever had a chance to find who I was. Growing up I lived w/ a family member and they were super strict and I wasn't I allowed to do anything. I threw myself into school work and later work too. Married my high school sweetheart...so then I was trying to be a good wife and mother (and still working). Looking back, I was running FROM being at home more than I was running TO my marriage. Then went through a divorce and went back to college (meaning late entry not that I dropped out). Being a fulltime mom while trying to work didn't leave much time for me to find or be me. I now believe that I have always been trying to be what everyone else wanted or needed me to be. It's hard to find yourself that way.

I just read a book "The How of Happiness". It gives some very good insight on why you need to do certain things and how to do it. I am hoping it helps me and maybe it can help you too.

**added after reading some of the other responses**Sometimes "lost yourself" is not about getting back to what you used to be but finding the you that you want to be rather than what everyone else wants...figuring out who and what you want to be and being that person while being the wife, mother, and hardworker rather than being those things and never being true to yourself!

I have felt that way. I think when I got married and became a mother, I forgot the person I was before all of that. Your identity changes. You are a wife,mother, but where do YOU fit in? I made sure I had time for myself, and would communicate my feelings to my husband. Since you are separated, I would talk to someone who can listen openly and give you space to be yourself.

I also talked to my own mother, and asked her if she ever felt the same way, and how she dealt with it. She said that at times she would feel this way, and would do something that she loved. It was horseback riding for her. For me, it's photography and hanging out with an old friend. Find something you enjoy, something just for yourself. I guarentee you will feel better. Talk to a person you trust, or to a therapist. It always helps in sorting out your feelings, and being comfortable and safe to express them.

Yes. Absolutely I lost myself. I forgot who I was... who I was before I became a mom. I remember calling my mom when I was 3 and crying because I didn't have time (or didn't make the time) to even get a pedicure. My kids were conceived with the help of fertility treatments and I had to go back to work once they were born. I was feeling guilty almost immediately. DH and I rearranged our schedule so that I went into work early and he did the AM duty. I got off work early so I could do the PM duty. There was no time to even make a dr appt without rearranging things. I love being a mom but I miss the person I used to be. I don't have alot of close friends and since I was an "older" mom, most of my friends have kids that are grown. Not alot in common.

My marriage was similar to Shane B's. I was strong, and independent when I met my husband. We dated for 4 years before marrying and then separated 3 years later, because he was not respectful of me and had affairs. It took me to step out of the marriage to see how controlling and abusive it was. It took a long time for me to admit that because I do think of myself as strong and independent. When married, making sure my husband was happy always became before my happiness. My husband was not happy and he thought that I could make him happy, so he if I didn't then that was my problem. I was only a wife and mother, and all my own hobbies and enjoyments got put on the back burner. Needless to say I definitely lost myself.

I would recommend that you do a little soul searching. Maybe a little therapy to talk things out. If you and your husband think it is not best to be together that is ok, and you are doing great to make sure your son knows he is loved and the separation has nothing to do with him.