How Do I Help My Mom Get Closure and Heal? and Be Gentle with Others

You know what? I think you need to stop excusing your moms behavior and attitudes because of her rough life. Some of the most caring, generous people that I know have had the roughest, hardest, most despicable lives! What your mom chooses to do with her experiences and feelings is entirely up to her.
As a mother, can you imagine having that type of unstable, horrible life and then resenting your child for having it no better? Wouldn't that evoke empathy and concern?
I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being cold or callous, but maybe if your mom never feels the consequences of her bitter, hateful ways...why should she think about changing?
Other than suggesting therapy to your mom, or sharing the love of God or greater being with her, I doubt much can be done to change HER. But you can change YOU and your reaction to her nasty treatment...do you somehow feel you deserve to be treated poorly because she was treated poorly? Why would you stay with a man who mistreats you and your children?

First of all, both of my inlaws suffered extremely abusive, neglectful and similar childhoods as your mother. They are both incredibly loving, bright and intelligent people as a result. Your mother has chosen to be unhappy as her form of coping and is having a hard time breaking out of that cycle. You can't keep using that as an excuse for her nasty behavior, and neither can she.

Secondly, you sound as if you almost blame yourself and are trying to win her over. Stop that, you don't need to feel guilty or like you are some thorn in her side. You aren't, even if she treats you and your children like that.

Third, if you want to help her, she could possibly benefit from professional counseling. You can lovingly sit down and tell her that you feel she could find some closure and healing with a therapist that can work with her. I had to do this with my own mother who went crazy and suicidal when my father died of cancer, so I know it is tough. I also know that a close relationship with Christ can offer healing as well. After that, stop pestering her. Don't make allowances for her rudeness, or allow it.

Fourth, take care of you and your family. Your husband mistreats you and your kids. Work on that. Leave him if you need to or get marital counseling together. This, I think, would make her (and most likely you and your children) very happy as well.

I recommend you read the book, "How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities"
http://www.amazon.com/How-Hug-Porcupine-Difficult-Persona...

A few very short videos (only a few minutes long a piece) on healing through Christ that you can both watch together. Each one is unique and beautiful and may help prick something in her heart:

Lifting Burdens:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

You're Never Alone:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

Infinite Power of Hope:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

My Burden was Made Light:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

Good Things to Come:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

You both need to start counseling. There is a lot going on in your lives and you need to sort through it to get past the anger.

There are tons of books out there. You can go to your local library or bookstore and look through the self help books and find the ones that speak to you. I found through personal experience that sometimes I read the book cover to cover and sometimes I only read part or parts of it.

To find happiness you need to be able to develop "an attitude of gratitude". Be happy for what you have.

I don't know how she can be happy after all of this, plus watching you be mistreated too. Can you do something about your situation? If your husband is hurting you and your kids, that means you have married a man who abuses you like her parents abused her, in her mind, and I'm sure that weighs heavily on her. Do you have a daughter? Do you want her to follow your footsteps and marry an abuser too?

I don't mean to seem callous here. I just want to point out to you that no book or anything you say about her changing behavior will do a bit of good because you are living HER life, a life filled with the sadness that comes with being mistreated in a marriage. It is a little like you are expecting her to accept this as if it is OKAY to be mistreated. I don't blame her for being unhappy.

If you want to help her, help yourself first and work on this problem. Your children will be the first to reap the benefits from not being mistreated by their father. And hopefully you won't end up being as unhappy as your mother when you are older.

This is a really sad post, to me, that you are thinking that your mother should change, when your children are living her life with their dad. She has been criticized all her life, and she is damaged. Change what is happening to your kids with your husband. Tell her what you are doing. Tell her that the children need gentleness from the adults in their lives. Point out that she also has to be gentle - that you know she is unhappy, but you don't want that passed on to the children. You can't do anything about how she feels about your words. But you can help your kids, even if it upsets her.

Dawn

My Mom lost her significant other to a heart attack about 10 years ago.
Her grief was intense - she went on crying jags that came on and off for years.
She doesn't want to be happy.
Finally I told her I accept that she will never integrate/accept the death of her boyfriend, and she was ok with that.
Some people are not happy unless they are miserable.
Strange but true.
Just accept your Mom for the way she is and let her know that SHE is the only one who can approach things differently if she ever wants to - she may never change.
Her behavior is self inflicted.
You have the power to let her be, and not let it bother you.
You and your Mom are separate people and you each have free will.

She has to want to help herself. She should get therapy to find closure without her parents being around. You might consider counseling with her to make your relationship better.

You cannot control nor change your mother. This is HER life. Not yours.

You CAN however, lead by example.

Your husband mistreats you AND your kids and you allow it? Do you think she might be a tad bit upset with that? I know I would be!! Especially if your husband is treating you and her grandchildren like her parents treated her...

How does she treat your children? She might be following your husband's example since you allow him to mistreat you and them.

How does she treat you? How do you want her to treat you? Treat her the way you want to be treated. Treat your children the way you want them to be treated. Stop allowing your husband to mistreat his family...that is NOT acceptable.

You state you *THINK* she resents you. Has she come out and told you that? Did you ask her to mom from her home country to the U.S.? Or did she do that on her own?

Getting closure from the dead isn't something that can be readily done. It is something SHE HAS TO WANT TO DO...you cannot force her to do this. How would she get closure from the dead? By going to the grave site or to a church and forgiving them...she has to want to let that resentment go. No one can force her to do it.

Consider joint counseling with your mom, so that you have a middle ground or mediator to help you discuss the feelings to get a HEALTHY relationship.