L.P.
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Without getting into a loooooooong story, I really need some advice about something going on in my family. My brother and SIL have been married for a year and they have a 5 month old baby (they were planning to get married anyway, but when SIL found out she was pregnant she wanted a wedding right away. They have had alot of stress in their marriage already and they are on the brink of splitting up. She has called me several times whenever they argue, and today was one of those times. I think her "gripes" are legitimate to an extent, but she completely goes about it the wrong way when she approaches my brother. He is a good man, but there are huge differences in the way men and women communicate. She usually attacks him very unexpectedly and insults him as a husband, father, etc. He was laid off around Christmas, but found a job pretty quickly. It pays well but he works alot, and it's very hard work. I was concerned from the beginning that this job might be too much for their rocky relationship, but she was very much in favor of it because she wants to work less and it is significantly more money. He is working his butt off, and I know he is tired. I am trying not to side with either of them, but it is hard because I totally see how her approach would immediately put a man on the defensive. My question for ya'll is, what kinds of things have you learned about men that would help her understand them better. She has NO CLUE, and I just want to provide her with some advice about how men think, what their needs are, and how NOT to pproach them. Just anything you can share that you've learned through the years. I want their marriage to work and for them to be happy and for that little baby to have his family intact, if at all possible. Thank you for your help! I feel like I'm lacking in words of wisdom right now!!
when a young man takes on a wife and child, his job becomes very important to him. It is the vein in which his money comes from. His money becomes very important to him because he has worked hard to get it. He feels the money is to support his family and he should be credited for the work he's done to make that happen.
Men, and I dont care what anyone else says, need to be validated a lot more than women do.
When a man puts in a full day of work and comes home, he wants his family to love and cherish him and he needs that soft place to land.
Coming home to a lunatic wife that throws the kids at him and whines about how horrible her day was, is definitely NOT the thing to do.
Even those of us that worked outside of the home too, we are still women and the mother to the entire family.
I'm not saying "mother" your husband, he isnt a child. But he doesn need to feel important. And nothing turns a husband away faster than an unhappy nagging wife.
As was suggested already, get the book (and read and follow the instructions), "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands."
If I had a hard day at work and my wife met me with gripes, cuts and complaints followed by disparaging remarks and criticsms of my abilities, she wouldn't get me to do what she wanted either. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. You'd like to be treated like a valued spouse. Treat him the same way.
I'm sure there are exceptions, but . . . Men are not mind readers. Men are not hint takers. If you want some thing say so in plain english. Say it with kindness and consideration. Say it with love and a smile. If you want him to change Billy's diapers, don't say, "I think Billy is messy". He is going to think, "Yes, you're right." Try,"Billy needs his diapers changed. Would you please change him for me?" And give him a big hug and a really nice kiss and hand him Billy with a clean diaper in your other hand to give him.
If you had a hard day with a whiney, crying baby, the first words out of your mouth shouldn't be, "I've had a hard day. You take him." Try, "Hi Honey. I'm so glad you're home. I love you and sure missed you today." Some where in there you should add, "You're such a good provider. Thanks for working so hard for "Baby's name" and me." Hugs and kisses would also be appropriate. Then ask him to hold his child and give him his bottle or change a diaper or rock him. You'll get much further along towards your goal.
Of course if you're really smart, bordering on brilliant, you'll be wearing something that will take his mnd off his day and put you front and center in his thoughts. You may have even hired a babysitter if its his Friday or Saturday.
If you need other advise, look up past questions of this nature in Mamapedia. I've read lots and lots of very good answers. Or e-mail me.
Good luck to you and yours.
BTW, This summer my wife and I will celebrate our 38th anniversary.
Let me guess: He comes home (after working all day), grabs a beer and sits infront of the TV for hours!! And its driving her crazy, because she's spent the entire day with the baby and was looking forward to a break/help. Am I right?! Yeah, because most first time dads do this... They come home and tune mama and baby out.
Here's the thing: They have a 5 month old baby. She needs to realize that what she wants is no longer the priority. Its all about the baby.
Their relationship sounds like it is in transition. They were probably good at being a couple, when it was just about them. But now everything revolves around the baby, and that can be hard on a couple--especially if they were quite accustomed to having themselves be the relationship's priority.
My 2-cents is that she needs to pick her battles. Some days, she will have to swallow her frustrations and bite her tongue. She isn't going to get her way... She wont change him. Some men will not be hands-on fathers with itty bitty babies; they are better when the baby is age 3-5. And there will be days where nothing goes right all day. And she'll need to suck up her complaining in order to keep the peace. Her priority needs to be keeping their marriage together, because it's in the best interest of the baby for them to stay together. And I assure you, if they break-up, any hope she has of "working less and spending his money" will evaporate. She'll be juggling partial custody of the baby and a full-time job!
Well, O. thing we need to remember is that men are not chicks! They don't really want to hear every over-analyzation of every single thing that happened all day long. Think of men as just wanting the Cliffs Notes. You know, the parts that affect them ad that they need to know! LOL
And another thing is that marriage is a partnership. And that doesn't always mean 50/50 every day. Some days are 70/30, some are 100/0, some are 20/80 etc. The thing is that someday, after many years, you look back and think "Hey--that all kind of evened out, didn't it? Thank God I had someone to lean on/pick up the slack/be strong when I wasn't/didn't/couldn't.
A new baby is hard on any marriage, let alone O. that is so new itself. Basically, in 20 years, your brother is going to be pretty much the same guy he is today. She's never going to change a man. Any man. So I hope they're both happy with their choice.
Oh--that and she needs to know what stuff is really important to him and she needs to make an effort to meet that/those needs. And he, hers.
Buy her a copy of "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. It will help her to appreciate his efforts and understand his feelings.
As hard as it is, you need to stay out of it. When she calls you to gripe about your brother, you can listen, but do NOT offer advice. If she does what you tell her (or what she thinks you told her) and it backfires, YOU will be the one they blame.
i dont know, i dont understand them either, they can be so lame and so awesome at the same time, i dont think you can think of it like that... dont you know every kind of woman? men are different too. though i think that looking at how he deals with his mother is a good start.... anyway, i wanted to say that i think you are walking a fine line. i know you want to help, and maybe you are in the one position that could help, that would be great, i dont know, only you know. but if it were me, i would be careful about talking about your brother and stuff, i think i would talk about it to both of them together or not at all... i wish them the best. it can be so hard. they should do some things they both enjoy, i find that when we start to feel like we dont talk anymore, a little mini vacation alone together does wonders, even just a little date if its all you can manage at the time... just to keep in touch with each other....
Mutual Respect. To me that is the key. If you want to be heard you have to listen. No one is in control.
In your situation I would recommend you tell your SIL you love her, and you love your brother. Ask her to avoid putting you in the middle and seek a marriage counselor. Tell her you think they just need to learn to communicate better.
Hard question. It has always been amazing to me that we have more in common with other women than we do with the men that we marry. I'm not saying marriage is not a good thing, but men are just so very different. I'm not sure why there is not actually a class that is required to discuss this in high school. Something that is so important in our life and we really don't spend much time thinking about it. I like the percentage deal... some days it is all me and others my dh is certainly putting in the extra effort
It's not about men and women. I read the book, but just being an understanding and compassionate person is what she needs to do.
They need to work on their communication,. Dr. Phils' Relationship Rescue is an excellent book I would ad vise them to rad together.
Also, I would send them the link to these two videos. They are only about 3 minutes long a piece but they are for helping people navigate these rough times and helping them to remember how to treat each other;
"How Do I Love Thee?
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
"Marriage and Divorce"
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
The Men are from Mars book is okay it it's way. It was written by a man (who is now divorced). I read it before I was married when my parents both read it (early 1990's or whenever it came out). It has some good points. My dad liked it because it read like a how to book for your marriage/spouse. My mom read it and said only a man could write a book like that because it explained women's behavior based almost exclusively on external observation without really understand what was going on underneath. It has some okay tips but wouldn't be my first recommendation. I would look look one of the marriage books by John Gottman. He is a researcher who spent many years doing detailed studies on couples in conflict (he video taped them and put electrodes to measure hear rate and blood pressure).
If I had to give one basic tip I would say try using "I" statements. If you start a conversation with "I feel __________ when __________ happens." it comes across as much less threatening and the other person can listen better instead of feeling defensive.
Sorry, it's not much of an answer, but I completely agree with Patty W.
I'm sure since they got married quickly, they probably didn't have to go through any marriage classes required by some churches/religions. Honestly, I think they should be a requirement. Ours, 23 years ago, wasn't about religion but about communication, values and respect. And the ONE thing I remember is that you do not talk to family members or close friends when you are having problems. When the two work things out, the friend/family member still remembers what they were told an may hold bitterness and resentment. So I applaud you for trying to stay neutral and just listen. But she should seek a counselor or clergy to talk to.
If the baby is just 5 months, she still has a ton of hormonal things going on and their last year has been a lot for anyone to handle.
