Give My Huband a Letter or Not

My ex husband used to give me letters all the time. Id read a couple of lines and toss them in the trash.

Have you watched the movie Fireproof? I highly recommend it, that and following up with The Love dare.

I used to give letters to my first husband, who was also a big jerk, and sometimes they seemed to help for a week or two. Sometimes no effect at all. Sometimes they would throw him into a screaming rage. I wish I still had those letters and their outcomes so I could compare them to things I have since learned about communication, and new skills that I have found to be remarkably helpful, if used consciously and consistently.

If your letter is written as a list of complaints, with the general pattern "YOU don't do X and that MAKES me feel Y," or "I feel so Q because you always W," then it will probably not be received too well. If it is respectful of his needs and feelings, appreciative of his contributions to the marriage, and calmly observant of needs you have and how they might better be met, that would probably work better. And trying to tackle more than one specific issue at a time will be harder for him to come to terms with.

You might want to investigate a helpful approach called Non-Violent Communication, which my husband and I have both studied and practice it when we have difficulties with anybody, including each other. It requires some practice and discipline, but can take the sting out of almost any situation. Google for descriptions, examples, sources of study materials. Local classes are probably available, too, if you want to really throw yourself into it.

I would give him the letter after work, so you have a chance to discuss it. Preferably when he has the next day or two off. Also, if he reads it before work and then has to be stressed all day and distracted because of it, he won't be in a very good mood when he gets home.
I would also suggest waiting a few days, and then re-writing the letter. I have written letters to friends and families about difficult topics and I find that when I initially write the letter, I am very emotional and upset. If I wait a few days and re-write the letter a couple of times then I can get my point across without angering the other person (hopefully). Making them angry isn't a good foot to start out on.
I mention not wanting to be TOO emotional because men are different creatures then us women. They simply don't view/understand/feel emotions the same way we do. I can tell my husband how I feel all day long, but he doesn't get it until I spell it out in scientific terms and explain exactly what it is he did to upset me, and why it upset me. (Related to an event, I found it rude, etc.) So, it's best to try to leave the emotion out when you want to solve the problem, and just work on the problem itself. Tell him you want to do counseling. If he doesn't agree to marriage counseling, maybe try some personal counseling for yourself first. It will help you learn coping mechanisms and have somewhere private to vent, which is always nice. I wouldn't stress the church thing - for all that you may know, he could have totally different private beliefs about his religious views and you wanting him to attend church with you may only frustrate him. If his views are different then he may not see it as a positive, to practice religion with you. But the counseling is always a good idea, religious beliefs or not :)

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel and that you put your thoughts on paper. Then give him the letter and leave him alone to read it. Then ask him to talk to you when he is finished. I really think that communication is very important and that organizing your thoughts is a good first step.

Good luck and I appreciate the fact that you want to work it out and not take the easy way out with a divorce.

I'd wait until he got home from work, but I'd definitely give it to him (and I'd probably head out of the house for a while to let him read it, saying you'll talk about it when you get home). That's just me. But I have learned with my husband not to pass on anything emotional right before or while he is at work--it affects his work too much (and actually caused a little bit of a problem a long time ago... which is how I learned that lesson... but my husband could cause physical harm to others in his line of work if he's not all together in his head). Anyhow, if you think your husband's work wouldn't suffer (depending on his job), then I'd say give it to him beforehand (if he has time to read it before or at work) so he can think about it during the day. Otherwise (the more likely scenario), wait until he gets home.

As for counseling or church, from experience with the latter, you can't expect someone to get much out of church if they are forced or given an ultimatum or anything like that to go (but, on the other hand, I do understand that you're hoping he'd be "moved"). My husband and I are working on getting into counseling ourselves, and I'd probably push that more (than church) in your situation, too. Of course, that's all said without knowing you or your husband and being in a kinda crappy marriage myself--you'll figure out what's right for you.

Anyhow, you wrote a letter, and you don't want divorce--you know there's still hope. I sincerely hope you and your husband find each other again. Best of luck!

I think your time would be well spent getting counseling for yourself so you can find out why you feel you deserve to be treated in a way that you think your feelings don't matter.
Go yourself. He can always attend once you have more perspective on the situation.

Going to church is for yourself. When you try to enforce it upon someone else its all for the wrong reasons. That is your first mistake my dear. You need to go to church and work on yourself and make the changes necessary within yourself for yourself-understand what I'm saying? If your husband see's the changes within you -god's glory has a way of putting the curosity into it and he will want to know what it's all about. It may not be within your time though. You may want it to happen this weekend but it may not happen until 5 years after the fact but that is where your faith comes into play.
The letter I understand because I tend to express myself better when I write things down as most people do I think. Personally for me if I really felt the need to give the letter I would do it before work because to me this gives my husband enough time to process everything and get over the potential anger but if it makes him angry enough he might just call you from work and make an arguement which in turn could make it everyone else's "business" so to say. It depends on the type of person he is really and you know him the best. Such as I would never give my husband a letter right after work because he is tired and quite honestly he would retreat into his den instead of "talking" about it. That is his personality though but most men act the same way of retreating whereas us women tend to like to talk things out and when they don't it makes us even more upset.
Counseling is helpful and I don't think that would be a bad road to explore but be cautious with that one too because I think some couselors are out to make money more than anything else....if at some point your counselor continuesly wants to see you guys then something is wrong-you are not progessing. I'm not saying discontinue from going but I have been to some counselors where they wanted me back week after week after week and we discussed the same issues and the same tactics to which I would apply so what was the point on coming back week after week??? Maybe there was a point but sometimes after a time its time to grow and to step away. Most importantly keeping your faith and prayer has worked wonders for me.

You HATE your marriage yet you don't want a divorce, do you think he does?

What if you tell your husband that you and your baby are going to visit ______ for a few days. Then leave him your heartfelt letter and see what his reaction will be.

If you are attending a church on a regular basis, have you spoken to a priest , minister or counselor about your feelings and what's happening in your life? I too believe God can change the heart, but also believe that He does not want his children abused. You are God's child.

I will pray for your family.....keep us posted.

Blessings.....

Well as a Christian Women myself,I will say a prayer that you can get him to go to church.And that he will not only give his life to christ but that he will be able to see clearly the things that he needs to change.
I have wrote my Husband letters before because he too is difficult to talk to,but I know he loves me and I DON'T want a divorce!It may upset him not only because of the things you said that he won't agree with but also because they don't understand that they are not being there or being open to the idea that everything's not just peachy!Guys are wired WAY different!And it seems that they sometimes think by going to work they have done their part as a Husband.But you and I both know that's not true and we need more from them!Anyway back to the letter ask him to write you back.I have found that this is the only way we can get our thoughts and feelings out without an argument.
Have you read or seen Fireproof?If not,I highly recommend you do both!Feel free to message me if you'd like to chat more =)

sounds like you feel better already just writing it all down, that's so good to hear, b/c i'm the same way. my mom & i used to write letters to each other when we were upset b/c it is much easier to say what you mean, and not get interrupted, and not worry about the ugly looks you might get. so you did good. my only thought would be to just sit on the letter for a day or so. that way your emotions won't be so hightened & you won't be so anxious about it, b/c i can tell you are - hell i would be too! when you do give it to him i'd do it after work. men are so funny (impossible!!), but i think he'd be even more pissed if you gave it to him before work & he still had to work all day & didn't have time to soak it in, get pissed or anything. he would just have to suck it all up throughout the day. just my two cents. good luck sweetie. keep on praying - you've got the right idea on that one for sure!!!!

I read the others and think that keeping a diary or journal is an excellent idea. I did the same after I finally recognized the signs of post-partum depression when my 1st was almost 17mo (3 years ago now). It was EXTREMELY therapeutic, and at the same time helped me realize that some of my expectations were very unrealistic.

It's very frustrating to not be heard and to feel that no one cares about you and what you want!!! For example, for the first 17mo of my son's life, I held the expectation that our parenting would be 50/50, even though my husband had a job, and I didn't. I expected that he'd come home from work and want to spend some time with his son, thus giving me a little break. It didn't work out that way, and I was exceptionally frustrated that he got to leave the house, but I couldn't even go to the chiropractor by myself!

Luckily with #2, that expectation changed, which helped me tremendously. It also helped that he is more laid-back this time around and actually encourages me to just go to the grocery store. I think changing my expectations helped ease off the pressure I had been putting on him. I won't say our marriage is perfect because I still feel that I'm being taken advantage of sometimes, but talking to other women (especially ones in the same situation), keeping a journal, and compromising how I viewed things has really helped!!!

As for church, I'm not a church-goer and haven't been since high school, so that option wouldn't appeal to me. However, if you've attended church together in the past, it could be an option for you as a couple. If he's not open with his feelings with you, he more than likely won't be open to talking about any of it with an outside party. I have no suggestions there; sorry :(

I posted this response to someone else's question just a day or so ago and I thought it may help you too:
Have you ever heard of the book called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs? I first heard about it in my MOPS group. The activity for the day was a "man panel" -a group of husbands that volunteered to basically sit in the hot seat and let us women have a Q&A session. Several of the men mentioned this book as an awesome tool that made their marriages stronger. The whole concept of the book is that women need love and men need respect. As women we are just hard-wired to respond to gestures and communication in a loving way. For men it is respect that really makes them respond to us more readily. It is fascinating and there are even workshops and conferences you can attend to help with issues within your marriage. Go to www.loveandrespect.com. It just might bring you and your husband some much needed help in your relationship. I think you should give him the letter especially if you feel that is the best way for you to get your feelings across to him. It may be a hard thing to do, but it sounds like it is a talk that has been a long time coming. God Bless!
A.

If you are a SAHM, go buy the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I think it will help in your situation without even giving him the letter. Good luck.

Writing things done is an excellent way to feel better. I would hold off on giving him the letter though.
I would start a diary and try to find a way through that to figure out exactly what you want from him/yourself. You will notice as you do that the anger diminishes and rationalization starts. You will also be able to look back and see if your feelings are getting better or worse, and discover what really bugs you...
If you give him the letter you can't take it back. It will make him mad. If he is mad he will only be seeing the negative.
You married him, you loved him, you had kids with him. Did he change? Did you change? you need to get to the root of the problem without either of you angry.

Watch these two short video together... it will help see how to love our married partners, and heal relationships, maybe it will open his eyes. Maybe not, some people get offended easily, mostly b/c they are too hardened to care about another person, or b/c they have their own unresolved issues. I hope your marriage gets worked out, and also hat you can maybe get some counseling.

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As for church, it depends. Were you married under the pretense that he was a churchgoer, or has his falling away hurt and surprised you? You can't expect people to embrace church, but at the same time, I've seen people promise one thing 9to be church goers and worshipers, than to stop and not care after marriage and it's very difficult. To this, I say, make your wants known, but give it time.

I think it is great that you have written down your feelings. I would pray about it and see what God reveals to you. Also going to church every Sunday will not necessarily change your husband's heart. There are many people out there that go to church weekly just because they think they're supposed to or out of guilt. Only God can change a person's heart. I think counseling which is more one one one and more accountability is the way to go. If you and your husband join a church small group it will allow your husband to meet other men who may already have a mature relationship with God and can be a mentor. Take it all to God and see what he says.

You are so right that you have a right for your feelings to be heard. You are also right that men do not like to be told they are doing something wrong. They also don't like to be told what to do. None of us do, after all we aren't children anymore. So then what does motivate men to help women? The fact that they can make their woman happy. This is a very big driving force in a man's life! They will go to work and in some pretty extreme circumstances some times all because they are making their wife and family happy. So guys need to know they are appreciated for their work outside the home as well. As far as the other things that make you happy, guys need it spelled out very clearly some times what will make you happy. So simply tell him what would make you happy.

My answer is yes, write a letter expressing feelings but first express your feelings of appreciation for what he is doing in your life and how much better your life is because he is in it. Now his heart and mind is open and ready to read the rest of the letter. Then for the rest of the letter focus on the positive. (Remember, only you can own your feelings and only you can determine what will make you feel better. No one can make you feel anything or any way that you don't allow them to and no one is responsible for truly making you happy other than yourself.)

In the communication classes taught at Marriage Works! Ohio, they focus on the positive. Here is an example: I have been feeling overwhelmed by my work load at work and at home. I would feel relieved if you would help me with the yard work or It would make me so happy if you...

Doesn't that sound a whole lot better than I'm overwhelmed because you haven't been doing the yard work? It's all in the way you say it. Once a guy knows what makes you happy they usually try hard to fill that need. Can they meet all your needs? No way! That's why having a supportive family and set of friends can also help you get other needs met. Can we learn to communicate consistently in this more effective way? Yes, through relationship education classes like those taught at Marriage Works! Ohio but it also takes lots of practice because like most of us, we have been taught to focus on the negative and on ourselves and what we need so much, that we forget in order to make our lives better, we sometimes have to make the lives of those closest to us better first. If you want a better marriage, focus on what you can do to make it better for him, too. (That does not mean to assume all house hold chores.) Counseling sounds like a great option too!
Good luck.

I agree with Linda G. Just keep writing letters that you don't give him at all for a little while especially when you are pretty sure that the outcome right now isn't going to be positive. Then review the letters yourself later. Look for the patterns. Maybe you will be able to better define what it not acceptable to you after you have a few to review. Maybe you will learn something about yourself and why certain things trouble you or cause a reaction in you - we all have triggers. It's the "when you do x, I feel x" routine. Maybe you can figure out needs you have that aren't being met and how they could be met - either by him or by other activities/friends/church. Writing down all your thoughts for awhile might help you present these things to your husband in a way that you can have a positive outcome. I remember your husband from the sweet lunches post - it sounds like you have a difficult road with him and that you are trying very hard. Sometimes these hard headed guys get an ego boost from the emotion they can invoke in you. Don't take the bait, put that emotion into a journal. Go to therapy by yourself. He might start to wonder what is up with you. Hugs to you, M..

Its good that you wrote a letter. I am sure,you'll be relived after writing. Instead of handing the letter to him directly, try to e-mail it to him. It will be better. This way you won't have to face him while giving the letter,or while he is reading it. Giving a letter by hand sounds bit awkward.,when both the people are living under the same roof. I tried it few months ago when my husband was acting like a jerk,not giving me much attention and arguing with me just for simple things. I just mailed him a letter. He didn't reply neither did he mention anything about that but after this his attitude toward me has changed, became a bit more caring and loving and started to express it,before this letter it was just exactly as u said-he is working so everything else is excused.