Difference in Parenting Methods?

My daughter is seven months old as well and she went through this stage a couple of months ago. I would get up half asleep, put the pacifier back in her mouth, and stumble back to bed. I am a heavy sleeper but I still heard every noise. To me, it was worth putting the pacifier back in her mouth so I could get back to sleep rather than to hear her complain for however long. She eventually started finding the pacifier herself and putting it back in her mouth. I did, however, give her a minute or two to see if she quieted herself or if she really needed assistance. I know it can be hard. Good luck and hang in there!

I agree w/ your husband 100% and w/ the poster that said that babies wake up because they need something, even if it is comfort. That IS a need.
I very much dislike the CIO method, I think it breaks the trust between parent and child. I think it teaches children that you won't be there when they need you the most.

Here is a link that explains the effects of CIO on a child.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t051200.asp#T051205

I agree with your husband. As a children's therapist for years I can tell you that cry it out method is awful. We bring a tiny, innocent little person into the world, this world is huge. All they know is their parents, they seek them for love, security and nurturing. That's why as you look at your child when he's nursing he's completely content safe and secure in your embrace as he is meant to be. When he gets older he can learn hardships in life as he's well equipped with the security knowing that there are some who love him and 'back him up'. The cry it out method is just awful and insane frankly. Why should I child that is less than a year old learn that when he feels scared or not safe that his parents are not there for him and that he should cry till he exhausts himself and passes out???? Frankly co sleeping is idea as the child learns safety and security, studies show (as does my personal experience) those children actually learn to become more independent as they get older b/c they had the security to grow when they were younger. It's much easier for a child to learn to explore and try new things when they know mama or daddy are there to help them if they need it. I'm not talking about 6 o7 or teenagers, that's a different story. But a tiny little innocent child that has just come into this world??? needs all the love an hugs and holding and nurturing it can get. Love your child, let him know you love him and don't let the cynics tell you you're spoiling him. How can you spoil him by showing him love? You have the rest of his childhood to discipline. Read some books on attachment parenting, you'll find some great information.

IMO- and it's only my opinion, our job as parents is to be available to meet our children's needs. If your son is waking with a need, even if it is "just" comfort, you should meet the need. I agree with your husband.

When you son is 10, he will not wake in the night b/c you help him back to sleep now. But if you don't you may be setting yourself up for problems later when he doesn't feel connected to you b/c you did not meet his needs as an infant.

This is probably not what you want to hear, and many will tell you you son is "testing" you, as if he's going to be spoiled, etc. But babies are not wired like little adults.

Meet you son's needs and you will both feel more connected.

This isn't about the "doctors" opinion vs. your husband's.
There are as many opinions supporting each way.
I recommend you visit
www.attachmentparenting.org
to see all the support for your husband!
It sounds like the real issue is that you feel like you have to choose between the baby and your own sleep needs. I solved this problem by putting my babies in my room until they were ready to be separate; then they got the comfort they craved and I got the sleep I needed.
You can not spoil a child with attention. You CAN contribute to a sense of safety and well-being that will last a lifetime!!!
all the best!
: )

you need to get your husband on board in order for this technique to work. Would he listen if you both went to the doctor together? For the sake of your marriage, this is very important! You need to be a couple first; letting the baby come between you sets up a very unhealthy triangle.
Children respond to consistency in parenting. When my daughter was this age, my husband advocated the cry-it-out method...it was sooo hard for me to listen to her screaming, but I trusted his judgement because I knew how important it was to be together on this. In a few nights, my daughter learned to self-comfort! We had peace and she has grown up to be a very well adjusted teenager. Over the years we have had other issues where we did not agree in parenting styles, but we have always supported one another so the message would be consistent. My kids know that they cannot ask one parent for permission to do something if the other parent has already said no.
Let your husband know that this issue is important for your relationship as well as your child's well-being. Children thrive in an environment where they have two parents who love and support one another. Also, they grow and develop by facing new challenges and finding a solution, such as self-comforting. These are skills that will help your baby throughout life! Your goal should be to help him become increasingly independent....to not do so is unhealthy for him and you.

Do you and your husband have a special time when it's easier to communicate with him? I would tell my husband (if I were in the situation) that if he wants to get up in the middle of the night to tend to the child,feel free, but please let me sleep unless it is a real emergency. You might consider taking turns-you get up one week, he gets up the next week. Is there any way one of you could go to parttime temporarily so your little guy could have a little time with at least one of you? They grow up so fast.(I have the wonderful ability to stay with my little one-we go without quite a bit, but just to see them grow up makes up for it.)

Dear CT,

I am the mother of 6, 2 by birth and 4 adopted so I have had a little experience. I always allowed my babies to go to sleep alone. I guess the main reason is that like adults, children need some alone time. There was never a problem with this method. If your husband has a problem with your allowing your child to have alone time, why not ask him to be in charge of bedtime then? This will give you some alone time and your husband will feel that he is "in charge" of some part of his son's life. Some times we (mom) for get Dad when we have a little one to take care of, so go take a long soak in the tub and let Hubby take care of Jr. for bedtime.
DDD
this

C T,
Personally I don't agree with the "cry it out" method. Babies don't know how to talk so they use their cries to communicate their needs and as their parents, we are supposed to respond. I have 3 children and I can say that I have never jumped out of bed to run to their room. If it's in the middle of the night, I may go to the bathroom first and then go to my baby's room. It allows enough time to pass so baby doesn't see you "jumping" at every whimper. I've never used the pacifier and I feel that it is more of a hinderance than a help. The sooner you ditch the paci, the sooner your baby will truly depend on himself to soothe himself instead of waiting for mommy (or daddy) to find it for him. That is my opinion. None of my children ever had a pacifier. I never offered it.

It's important for a baby to learn how to soothe himself. I have hanging crib toys (firmly attached to the side rail of the crib) that play music. My son, (at 20 months) knows how to turn them on and off and it doesn't bother me a bit that he turns one on at 2 A.M. because he woke up and found himself unable to go to sleep. What you can try doing, and make this suggestion to your husband, is to rub your son's tummy or back instead of picking him up every time. There's no need to pick him up unless it's for a diaper change or a feeding during the night. Since you and your husband both work full time, you may suggest alternating nights. You get up one night and your hubby gets up another. I know this must be hard but he will eventually sleep through the night and no, it won't go on forever. Just get rid of the pacifier first. Replace it with a soft toy or a special blanket. Try it over a weekend so you won't wake up sleep deprived for a work day if your son doesn't handle the absence of his pacifier. But if and when you decide to rid of it, don't give it back. That would be confusing. Once it's gone...it stays gone. Also, remember that babies do wake up for reasons only they know. IF he's not crying...don't go to his room. Respond to him ONLY if he is crying. Sometimes they make sounds like they are going to cry but they don't actually cry...they kind of whine. You don't need to respong to those whining sounds...he very well may be bored and just making sounds because he can. A good solid cry means he needs you... Good luck.

I am 30 with a 7 month old boy also. My second boy. I also have a 6 year old. I highly recommend at least trying to let the little one settle down all alone. I started this process early and it takes time but it works. Some nights will be horrible. But it's a learning process for the baby. Letting him cry it out, then going back in, give him his paci, rub his back, or a little pat on the behind, will reassure him he is not alone. But do not pick him up. Leave him in his crib so he knows bed time means bed time. But you must leave the room again ! And again ! and AGAIN! But he will get it. It's also smart to make sure you have a night time routine. Mine is bath, bottle, bed. And he knows that. I lie him down in bed with a paci and a small blanky for him to nuzzle, turn out the lights, and close the door. Now at 7 months I may have to go in once or twice. But not to a screaming baby, Just to reasure him he's ok. And it is wonderful. Let your husband know that this is something that you would like to try, but its not going to happen in one night. It WILL take awhile before your son realizes he is ok on his own.

I think you are correct and the doctors. It is very difficult to have your child crying & not attend to him. But never forget they are very smart. It looks like your child has aready trained your husband to get up. Instead of you both training the child, he has learned he can train you. It will most difficult at first, but he will learn that bedtime is bedtime. You can tell the different when he is sick & not feeling well versus just not wanting to go back to sleep. Just try to stay on track so everyone can get some sleep.

There is a wonderful book available "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems" written by Dr Richard Ferber, of the Boston Children's Hospital Sleep Clinic. It was quite a fad when I was a young mom, so much so that people talked about "Ferberizing" the kids.... getting them to sleep through the night. When I used it, my son was waking 7 times a night, crying to nurse, then he'd suckle once and fall back asleep.... so frustrating! The method is easy, it allows you to check on the child, but it also trains him to fall asleep on his own, and deals with middle of the night wakings. With a scientific explanation and a caring side too, maybe this would convince your husband that what you are doing is the right thing for your child. (your 5, 10, minute system is the one he popularized!)
http://www.amazon.com/Solve-Your-Childs-Sleep-Problems/dp...

i too am the one who puts my son to bed and gets him up in the morning...dad is a little softer then me but when dad wants to go get him in the middle of the nite i said ok YOU go ahead and get him when he cries(this was soo very hard for me) but after a few nites of daddys sleep being interupted he started to agree with me.
one of the best things we ever bought was a video monitor(about $100) worth every penny.
my son was sitting up in his crib and cried while looking at the door like he was waiting for us to come in.
we would watch him on the monitor to make sure nothing was wrong...he cried(yelled) for about 30 seconds and then stopped,waited looking at the door "like hey is anyone going to come in here?" nothing was wrong and he went back to sleep after a few nites of not coming when he "called" us, he stopped.
he is now almost 16 months old and he maybe once a month or less wakes up crying and its a REAL true hard cry (usually when his teeth are bothering him) and we can see he needs us so we go to console him.
good luck,
D.

Hi C.T.,
I had the same problem. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and had been thru the cry it out stage. When our son came along, my husband just couldn't stand to hear him cry. I was a stay-at-home mom and I was exhausted because DH would tell me to go get him. Finally,he realized that our son needed to cry himself to sleep. With our next child, he knew that we had to do it. My DH is very sensitive. Your husband probably is too.
We now have a 7 month old (9/5/07). I haven't started the cry yourself back to sleep yet. With the others, I usually waited until about 9 months. I've just noticed in the past week, that my daughter is taking longer naps during the day and eating a jar of baby food at each meal. As your son starts eating more, he will probably sleep better. At 7 months, you should only have to get up once during the night.
No, you won't be doing this for the rest of your life. He will eventually learn to go to sleep on his own. I know you're exhausted, but enjoy the snuggle time. God bless!

This is a tough and very divisive topic. You will never get a consensus on the right method for helping your child to sleep. I always feel you have to try to figure out what works best for you and your child. If there were one right way, then there would only be one book on the subject.
As for the differences between you and your husband, show him your research on the method that you have chosen, take him to your child's next Dr. appt., etc. The most important thing is that you both need to be consistent in what you do. If you do one thing and your husband does something else, then it only confuses and frustrates your baby - he never know what response his actions will illicit.
Good luck. As the mom of a 4 1/2 year old erratic sleeper and a husband who does not always agree with how to get her back to sleep, I sympathize with you.

Try to explain to your husband, he just doesn't know. Let your child have a father and a mother. Mommy has her way, daddy his. Be accommodating, just when you think this is the issue it will change. Remember you want to fill your house with love.

Hi there, don't feel bad, I have the same problme with my husband, and we have 2 boys 4yrs and 23months. It is very difficult when you believe in one thing and are not supported with it. I know it has affected our relationship and is the cause of alot of fights. Some nights would go my way and other nights he would (and still does) give in. If it was up to him BOTH kids would be sleeping in our bed every night!

I'm not sure what's the best advice because my 4 year old was never allowed to sleep in or come to my bed after waking in the night and I still have a hard time at bed time with him.

My 1 year old has been spoiled more that the 4 year old was simply because I got tired of arguing with my husband about letting him cry. Needless to say he ends up most nights in my bed.

So stick with it if you can, if it going to become a bigger problem with you and your husband you are going to have to decide on one method and stick to it

I really know what your are going through. My husband was kind of the same. Ok, if there is already a disagreement then try the slowdown things (since your husband doesn't seem to understand the importance of learning to fall asleep). Try these: 1. since your baby is trying to get attention and control you as well, pick up your baby when he starts cry at night and take him to your bed while he falls asleep again (DO NOT talk to him or make any sound so he knows the differences between night and day), when your baby is already sleeping again put him back to his bed. In this way he will know that he MUST sleep in his own bed and it will help you with your husband too. At first is a bit tired but with days your baby will stop bothering you. If doesn't work try this: 2. When your baby is crying again pick him up and tell him that he needs to go back to his bed, kiss him good night and put him back to bed. Of course he will complain, pick him up and don't say anything give him a hug and kiss and put him back to bed. If he cries again give your hand to him and paddle him a bit but don't pick him up again, of course he will complain several times but you need to stay close to him until he falls asleep again. You will have to repeat this maybe one day or two but it can work. 3. If your baby insists you must definetely let him cry in his bed but it will be much better if you stay close to him, also tell your husband that you finally decided to let your baby cry and it will be better if he stays in a motel or some other place meanwhile you take care of the situation. Trust me this 3rd tip always work! What I think is that you husband do not stand the crying of the baby and it is not that he doesn't agree on the parenting methods. After 20 months my husband finally accepted it (imagine that!) and we let our baby cry for 45mns (it was really hard for us because I was planning always to let him cry for one or two nights and he was always desagreeing with me but after all those months he finally gave up and said -WE MUST LET HIM CRY THE WHOLE NIGHT I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE- and of course it worked!! He would have saved all this troubles since the fifth month but he was stuborn (like many men!) until he finally told me to do it. So don't worry most of the time we moms are right in everything specially if we are well-informed.
Remember, it is always important to tell your baby the first time he wakes up that you love him but he needs to fall asleep by himself and give him a hug and a kiss.
Good luck!!
C.

I have skimmed the responses and unfortunately many "take sides" with either you or your husband and show their own parenting preferences. I might suggest that you and DH both attend your son's next doctor's appointment. You could discuss the middle of the night issues with your pediatrician and then DH can hear what the professional (I assume you both value your ped's judgement) says. I know my DH and I interviewed our ped before our 1st child was born and he has attended several appointments with both of our children, so that when I came home and told him the ped's recommendations, he was on board! (He has a strong respect for the doctor.)
You and your husband need to sit down and talk about what your needs are (SLEEP!, your child's ability to self-soothe) and come to a consensus.
I'm a teacher and one of the most important things to remember with children is routine and consistency. You both need to be on the same page here... if not, it doesn't get easier with age!
Good luck.
T.

I side with your husband on this issue and would console my child in the middle of the night. He is only 7 months old and may have fears during the night and need to be comforted. I don't see the harm in waiting for 5 minutes to see if he will fall back to sleep on his own but don't see any reason to just let him cry.
Maybe if you let your husband take care of the middle of the night crying then it won't be that big of a struggle between the two of you.
As far as the doctors advice, I wonder how long they lay in bed and listen to their own children crying in the middle of the night. Good luck.

I think, especially if you both work full-time, if your husband wants to go to the baby in the middle of the night, he should. But he shouldn't expect you to! Let him go do it himself, and I bet he'll be ready to try something else pretty quickly.

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child is an excellent book. Not all crunchy touchy-feely like attachment parenting, but not a cruel cry it out situation where you feel like you're depriving your kids. It's buy a Dr. Weissbluth. I strongly recommend it.

Hi there...personally, I would allow him to cry "a little". If it goes on for some time and he gets really upset then by all means he needs you. But...if he's just whimpering because like you said he lost his paci or needs to get comfortable again, he needs to learn to comfort himself. I went through this and it's hard to do. It's hard to listen to your baby cry but if you don't you will be setting yourself up and it will only get worse as they get older. My daughter was a bit older and it got so bad that I would have to lay with her to get her to go to sleep. You certainly don't want to have to do that. Everything in moderation. Good luck you're on the right track...just meet in the middle.

Your baby is new to being outside of you. I'm sure that he still wakes up at night wondering where the heck he is. This is when he requires nurturing, "attention", a pacifier, etc....to feel like he's still with you...inside...safe. My boo is 2 years old now...ocassionally she'll wake up in the middle of the night and my husband and I will take turns attending to her. I belive it's a safety issue...not feeling alone. Your baby doesn't wake up on purpose...he's freaking out and trying to get accustomed to this new place. I know you're tired, but this is what we have to do, in my opinion, to give them all the security they need which will provide the basis for how they see life in the future. It's not that you're rescuing and doing for him what he can do for himself, it's that you're helping him see this place is comfortable and safe as well...and that you or your husband are there for him (always) to help him understand what is happening.
Some are more into "leave them alone, they'll figure it out." I believe we should work with love, support, touch, and communication...we can't expect them to handle it if they don't know what to handle or how to do it. We are social beings...we need contact and communication. Good luck. -m

My mother and I differed in this area too. She was always talking about how she got up with my brother and rocked him back to sleep etc. (I came to be with them when I was 2) and insisted I should do this with my own. Thankfully, she didn't live with me so I didn't have an issue. I personally feel much better in handling my children when I've had a good nights sleep. Any mother will tell you that sleep deprivation makes things difficult. I opted for what you were saying, after they were a month old, I would start waiting 10 minutes or so before going in. Go to the bathroom first, etc. And each time I added a few more minutes. (and this is the cry it out method, the method doesn't advocate letting them cry for hours like people think, at least not in the book I read) And I didn't rock them. I checked to see if they were hungry, if not, I hugged and kissed them and put them back in bed awake. And I avoided the paci! If they really want something, they'll find their thumb. And despite arguments against this, I can say that they do quit eventually on their own with reminding. All 4 of my children were sleeping through the night by 1 month to 3 months. Two of mine, now 4 and 5, sucked their thumbs but neither of them do now. And when they were older, and I consider 7 months older, I wouldn't offer them any food. Just hugs and kisses. Some people, my mother included thought I was being harsh, but I had a lot of friends with older children who envied the fact that that mine were all sleeping through the night. And I have seen no evidence in any of my kids that this method harmed them in any way. They all, including my youngest who'll be 2 in May, get hugs and kisses and go to bed with no argument. I had a pediatrician discuss the importance of uninterrupted sleep once when my first was an infant, not just for us, but for them too.