Dinner Time Troubles

J., Right there with you, sister. Sorry, that may not be any help. Dinnertime is nuts for us too (daughter, almost 4 and son, 21 months). Thanks to Kim H. for offering a little hope!

I have a 3 year old little boy and he is doing pretty well at the table although we do have bad nights when he doesn't want to eat or can't sit still. I tell him that we are eating a nice dinner tonight if he can not be nice then he can go lay in his bed until we are done or he is ready to join us. **Normally when he is not being nice he is throwing a fit for some other reason**. He is not allowed to play, watch tv or do anything except lay in bed or sit in time out until we are done or he is ready to join us. This has helped tremindously. On a good night he eats all his food without a fight and without spilling anything or dropping a fork. On a bad night, it normally takes him about 10 minutes to calm down laying in bed and realize that if he doesn't come eat dinner with us he will be eating alone. We have a spill about once every two weeks, and it is REALLY an accidnet. At which time he HELPS us clean up the mess. I do feel that dinner time is family time, a time to talk to the kids and ask them how their day went and hear stories from them. "Adult" conversations are saved till later, so my son is not 'bored' with the conversation. What else changes between breakfast/lunch and dinner? Does the attitude change going in? Are you ready for a fight before the fight even starts? Children can sense that, and tend to act out more because of it. It's like when you have a headache or a rough day they are more fussy than normal. Hang in there! :) Best wishes!

J.,
Sounds familiar....I have a four year son who acts the same way. We require him to at least try everything on his plate. We also, quite frankly, use bribery as a means to encourage him to eat more on his plate. If he eats all of his food (or at least most of it), he gets to have a smore or a popcycle. We also have a two year old daughter and we require the same of her. Some nights though, my husband and I will eat first and enjoy a peaceful meal while the kids play or watch a movie. Afterwards, we sit the kids down to eat. I think you might be expecting a little bit much by wanting them to "share" during family time. Not that it doesn't sound like a great idea, maybe just a little premature. I wish you the best of luck and I hope this helps a little.

God Bless
J. F.

Hello J.!

I am a mother of four adult children all of whom had different food preferences! My husband and I are Christians and raised our children as best we could based upon Bible principles. Scripture says according to Proverbs 22:6, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."
It is the parent's responsibility to see that a child understands exactly what is expected of him. Not only must he/she understand mentally, but somehow the parent must show the child the benefit of good choices even at this age.
Prayer is a good place to start and then:
1. Set good boundaries. Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no.
2. To Train means to teach with discipline. Discipline is so very important. It's more than rules. It's rules that stem from a loving parent who wants the best for their child.

3. Use tools to support the desired action that you're looking for. If you are familiar with Veggie Tales ( a Christian Cartoon Video series) it would be a very positive way to reinforce vegetables at the table. Find children stories that reinforce the character or principle that you desire to see in you child(ren).

4. Don't reward negative behavior! They will eat what you set before them when their hungry enough! Have a good work out before dinner time. Get their appetites up and they will be more willing to try something new.

5. Daddy might need to get more involved. The paternal authority that has been given to Dad's has been underplayed in this generation. God-given authority has been given to Dad's! When this authority is forfieted or not embraced fully, the children will "RULE"!

I hope I have been a help to you!

Stay Encouraged!
Mrs. Gilbert

Four is a little young to sit at the dinner table for a long period of time, however, if your child is hungry, he will sit and eat. Does the TV stay on during your dinner time? Does your child drink a lot of juice during the day? The sugar in juice does curb a child appetite, as does the TV! There is something far more important to do if the TV gets left on. I would suggest limiting the intake of juices after lunch time. Milk or water only. Your child knows what he can get away with too! If he does not want to eat, simply remove him from the table and have him sit quietly in his room or in another room so that he is not disrupting your dinner. Do NOT under any circumstance, talk to your child, ignore him. You can explain the rules to him before anyone sits down to eat. I would say to him..
Name..this is a time when mommy and daddy (any siblings) get to sit down and share our day. It is time to eat and talk, not play. If you are not hungry, you can go sit quielty while everyone else enjoys their meal. If you cannot be quiet, you will have to (whatever your consequences are)! We are going to eat now, would you like to come sit at the table with us? At this time, if he choses to sit down and play, you will need to remove him and place him where he can sit quietly. He will learn that dinner is not a time for playing. And when he sees that dinner is not just about him and what he can get away with, he may want to participate. When my children saw that no one was talking to them, they wanted to be more involved , and we still sit together every evening. It will take time to get use to the ignoring game if he wants to play, but soon he will change his behaviors. Hope this helps!

In trying to work with my son on sitting still and quiet (he also is four) I learned that you can only expect a child to sit still and focused for 1 minute per their age. So your four year old can only be expected to sit for four minutes. I didn't realize I was trying to get way more out of him than he is capable of. GOOD LUCK.

I would NEVER listen to the other lady, yes your kids need to see that you are the parents but my god why not put them in boot camp. They are kids and from the sounds of it they are doing the normal thing just keep with it and soon they will get use to it. I would try some of the suggestions that others told you like coloring till everyone is done. I wouldn't put them to bed make them sit there even if they do not eat, if you put them to bed or make them sit in the living room then they have accomplished being able to get up before everyone else is done. Stick with it and soon they will want to sit there and tell there stories. And always remember kids need to be kids not treated as robots or adults in boot camp and sounds like you are on the right road with them and in no way are they brats or what ever that lady said. LOL Good luck and let us know what happens

Wow-
I have a little advice to give but I would never rant like some other advice you received, I am pretty sure you were asking for help not to me told that your kids are brats and will be menaces to society I think that lady needs major therapy and I feel sorry for her kids, anyway I have four kids ages 8,6, 3 and 9 months the 8 and 6 year olds love to share about there day at school but my 3 year old just wants out of there with the least amount of food consumed possible our rule is they have to try it but we never force them to eat, when they are hungry they will eat and if we are having something one of them has tried before and we no for a fact they do not like it I offer them leftovers or a PBJ. I say with kids you have to pick your battles and eventually they will be old enough to want to sit and share about there day also could be they are just looking for extra attention from dad. Good luck and sounds like your doing a great job and your children will not be bratty menaces to society!!

Maybe you could do family time as something aside from dinner until they get older. Maybe feed them first, then let them watch a movie while you and your husband enjoy a relaxing meal. It happens so often that our lives become consumed by our children, but we forget to connect with our spouse. Maybe you could focus on dinner time as a time to do that instead.

Maybe part of the reason your son eats okay for your husband and not at dinner time is because the food is different. Is he eating things he likes for breakfast and lunch, but it is normal adult food for dinner? Perhaps that is why there is such a power struggle only at dinnertime. You may want to start giving him leftovers for lunch and see what happens. If he acts the same as he does at dinner, it is probably because he thinks he isn't going to like it because it isn't part of his "chosen food" (not that there is anything wrong with your cooking). You could try doing a mixture of lunch type food and dinner type food with both lunch and dinner.

You'll have to decide for yourself if you are going to require them to taste a bite of everything or not. My parents did that with us, and while I didn't always like it when I was younger, I appreciate it now because I like a wide variety of foods and enjoy trying new things. I don't think kids should have to eat everything on their plates even if they aren't hungry, because that does create bad food habits, but having them take one bite of everything offered won't create bad food habits and as time goes on they will realize that they actually like things that they thought they wouldn't. This will make it easier to cook for them, easier to take to other people's houses for dinner, and easier to take to restaurants. I agree with the other moms that say to skip snacks between lunch and dinner, and only give water or maybe a little milk to tide him over. If he is hungry, he'll eat. I wouldn't give him a bedtime snack if he doesn't eat, though, because he will know it is coming and won't have any incentive to eat dinner. You could also try taking his plate, fork, and cup away once he has declared that he is done. If he doesn't have anything to play with, at least you won't have the messes to clean up, even if he still won't sit still, and if he is done, there isn't any reason for him to have it in front of him. This will probably make him think twice about saying he is done, and may help him have better manners at the table. If none of this works, putting him in a timeout or in his room without any toys will at least set a good example for your daughter. Hopefully with him not around to model bad behavior, it will be easier to get your daughter to eat and behave.

Dear J.:

My goodness....PLEASE don't listen to that one lady. Unless you want your kids to be like her. Obviosly she did not have a pleasant childhood and I feel for her kids. They are kids and they are trying to have some say so in everything. If you think Dad is the problem then have him join you in the "war" for peace at the table. My 4 year old son does the same thing. I just tell him to go into the living room and sit quietly until he is ready to join the rest of the family. I don't force him to eat at all. He now knows that if he doesn't eat his dinner then he will go to bed hungry. (He knows that dinner is the last thing to eat) So eventually he ends up at the table and we ask him what the best thing about today was and then what the worst thing about today was(he usually says "sitting in the living room")lol. Just try to fiddle with different ideas. You'll get the one that fits your family eventually. And your kids are NOT brats or menaces to society! They are kids! Good grief! I hope that you figure it out and GOOD LUCK!!!!!

Cher

Well For me we never did good at the table.So we moved into the living room and TV is on. The kids eat just fine all the food on there plate is gone unless they took to much and got full. I have never had a problem with this. I have tv trays that they use. my kids are older but I have been doing this for years. If you think it is the Dad maybe just let the two of them sit together and eat see how he responds to how your son is doing. He could just be doing it to get daddys attention. I hope this helps. D.

I require pretty much the same thing from my 2 yr old daughter and 1 yr old daughter...fortunately, they will eat pretty much anything. You might try letting him help fix his plate considering his age...make the requirements that he has to have everything that everyone else is eating on it, but let him decide his portions of each (say it's pork chops, broccoli and mashed potatoes - he gets 1 chop, but if he wants only a small amount of broccoli, he has to eat it (say 3-4 florettes, maybe with a bribe of cheese melted on it when everyone else is eating it plain), versus the 2 huge scoops of mashed potatoes he wants. That way, you're letting him be "in control" of his plate, but still requiring him to follow your rules for the dinner table.

Hi J.,
I understand your pain. My kids are "grazers" and don't eat a meal all at once. We start a dinner together and when they are full they asked to be excused. They are then aloud to go play (no TV) until we are done. But they know that once they leave their plates go in the sink and dinner is done..(they do get a small snack before bed). So they can either eat with us or eat and leave the table but when their done their done. Usually they stay for about 2/3rds of the time and we talk during this time and the other 1/3 dad and i catch up. I figure that as long as they are using manners and being excused its fine. Have you ever eaten with someone who eats really slow...it is painstaking to sit there and watch them..I figure that's how they probably feel too. As they get older and want to talk about things mroe they will stay longer. No point in forcing it and ruining your night. ps..and for the scary advice at the beginning..force feeding results in over eating and very poor food habits-yikes)
Good luck. I hope this helps

We had the same troubles about 3 months ago when my son turned 2 and we transitioned him to the dinner table. we started singing songs, it sounds a little disruptive but we would play a game with it. we would sing a song to start then we would all take turns taking bites of food and sing another song and so on. eventually we added more bites of food before we would sing another round of twinkle twinkle little star. it took a good month but now he will sit for a 20-30 minute meal. good luck.

Hi J.,

I know you don't like the idea of eating in front of the tv, but we do that in moderation. Kelton has a little table with kid chairs in the great room. I make dinner and put on a "learning video." He eats very well while watching and I sit in the chair next to him. At least he is getting nourishment and I am sitting with him. In the summer we sit outside on the deck at the picnic table and that is always a hit..doesn't work too well when it's 50 degrees now, though...LOL. Have you tried to get your kids involved in dinner? I go to Family Fun and Better Homes and Garden's to find recipes that are kid friendly. Kelton loves to cook and it helps to involve him in the preparations.

Good Luck :)
T.

sounds like he wants to be the center of attention after he eats and starts acting up put him in his room till the rest of the family is done eating its not fair to the family that one can get away with making the rest of the family uncomfortable in what should be a relaxing time i'd be willing to bet a few days of that and he is'nt going to like being seperated from the rest of the family

maybe your kids are so excited that daddy is there...they feel hyper and excited and want to show off, or want daddys attention. maybe if your husband could do something with them before dinner that makes them feel close to him. like read a story or let them tell daddy about their day. it might calm them down enough to be able to sit through a meal.
as far as them not wanting to finish their plates (or even take more than 3 bites)...with my daughter, if she doesnt eat after some coaxing, we take the plate away. usually she protests immediately and we give her one more shot. she will then take a few more bites. if she wants down then, she can get down. if there is a lot left on the plate she can finish it later. we are pretty easy going with meal times. my daughter is 2. it is really good what you are doing..making everyone sit together. but just remember that they are just little children and their brains cant comprehend everything you want them to do. if they are hungry, they will eat.

We had the same problem but we are still having dinner every night at the dinner table with the exception of going out to eat. Have you tried letting them help you pick out what to have for dinner(by this I mean giving the a few choice maybe even showing the pictures) and then letting them help make it ( stirring mostly) my kids love doing this and then they seem to it eat more and they are excited to tell daddy that they made it. Or try letting them color at the table after they are done eating( we did this for a while it really seemed to help the whinning and getting up. Sometimes we listen to music while we eat but just to let you now sometimes this causes dancing(but hey its family time so everyone get up and dance my kids think oit is sooo funny to see mommy and daddy get up from the table and start dancing).

Hopefully you will find something to work for your family I now how important family dinner time is to me,
J. P

J.,

First of all good for you for trying to keep dinner time a "family time"! I really commend you and your husband for trying to stick to this one. You know your kids are still little and chaos is pretty much to be expected. Hang in there and keep at it. We have four ranging from 12 to 15 months and you know, it's crazy and there's some nights a with a lot of ups and downs and complaning, but you know overall, we all appreciate the together time. You'll find as your kids get bigger, it'll get easier. Don't get me wrong, you'll probably always get complaints about the menu, but may be try and make it fun for them. Ask your kids what they'd like - we have our kids help us plan our menus - So, may be three to four nights a week it's a meal that one of our kids has requested, say tacos, or spaghetti or chicken tetrazzini or whatever - we try and make it healthy, but something they like.

Hang in there with the discipline at the table. I'm not saying they're not allowed to make a peep, but remind them to use their quiet, inside voices and be sure to offer lots of reinforcement when you catch them being good. Also, may be a small desert is incentive enough to keep them at the table and eating.

Remember, as your kids get bigger their attention spans will improve and you'll find them being able to stay longer at the table. My 15 month old knows when it's time to eat and puts her hands together to pray and waits quietly until we're ready to start - it's amazing, but you know, our big kids set the example. May be too you can really work with your older child and he can help set a good example for his little sister.

On a side note, my 12 year old had a friend who joined us for dinner a couple of weeks ago. This little girl commented "wow, you guys are so lucky that you all eat together and you talk about your day - we never do that. My Mom is always saying 'hurry up and finish'" - You know that was just so sad to me. So, hang in there and keep up the good work. Our kids only get busier so that family dinner time is just priceless.

Hope that offers you something.

J.,
My advice to you is to take away the power struggle. They will eat if they are hungry. Make sure they don't get a snack to soon before dinner but if you need to give them something then make sure it is healthy like fruit. At their ages you can model by your behavior what is appropriate dinner time behavior. If he tells you he doesn't want something on his plate, then just tell him to eat the other things. If he tells you he is full, then remind him that he won't get anything to eat until bedtime snack. If he wants to be excused, you might explain that he needs to ask to be excused and take his plate to the kitchen counter. Then I would explain that he can go play by himself while the rest of you finish your dinners. If you think he is not getting the proper nutrition that I would talk to your doctor about vitamins. Even though he says he doesn't like something on his plate, keep offering it to him. Children's tastes are always changing. Also, the children may be a little more excited with Dad there. I always try to focus on having the children tell Dad about their day and Dad does the same. Maybe share with your husband about your day but don't make it something they have to do. Ask them if there is something they would like to share with Dad. During the day, if you are doing something special or different, you might want to tell them that you think Dad will be excited to hear about what you are doing. They will come around. Just take the "have to" out of it and enjoy dinner just with your husband if that is what it takes. When my twins were little, I would sometimes put on Baby Einstein videos so we could eat in peace. Good luck.