Dinnertime Is a Nightmare, Please Help

When my kids were little, poor mealtime behavior meant no dessert. That usually worked. (What kid doesn't like dessert!) But you have to follow through with the threat. One or two times missing treats and they'll think twice.

As for the picky eater, I had one myself. My son hated vegetables. So I got busy and came up with some delicious recipes that he would like. Then I made them super fun so that he would at least be willing to try them. (Maybe the fun recipes can be the focus at mealtime, rather than the poor table manners.)

If you'd like to try some of my fun, healthy veggie recipes, just visit my web site at www.artfulveggie.com.

I highly recommend the book "How to get your child to eat (but not too much)" for mealtime strategies.

Regarding behavior, figure out exactly what your expectations are, and write them down. Put them in big letters and simple words. It doesn't matter if neither child can read them. You can point to the rule being violated and read it. Make sure you have only a few rules (like 5, not 50), and the rules apply equally to everyone.

We have an accountability board at our house for house rules (food and otherwise). Each person has a hook. If a child or adult does something that breaks our house rules, that person puts a penalty card on their hook. Penalty cards are marked on the backs with things like "scrub out a sink" or "sweep the kitchen floor."

The benefit to me is that I can give a penalty when I absolutely do not have the energy to follow up with any consequences. Then the next day (or sometimes the next week), an opportunity arises....

"Oh, you guys want to watch a movie? Well gee, movies are for kids who have cleared their accountability hooks. I think you have some penalties to work off before you get anything special like that."

This puts the enforcement phase in a time when you and your kids are rested and functional. :)

Is it a possibility that you are expecting too much behavior-wise at the table (especially for the 2 yr old)? You mentioned no laughing. We laugh a lot at dinner. We are pretty laid back and use dinner time for good ol' family time. I'm not too picky how my little kids eat, except that they use eating utensils and try to keep their food on their plate (the ones I'm referring to are 4, 2, and 11 months...well, not the 11 month old, she can eat however she wants, and my 8 year old eats well). We have them use their napkins and not their shirts, etc...though, 4 yr old seems to struggle with this!

At 2 years, your son is still pretty little and likely won't be having good table manners yet. Anyway, just a thought. I'd suggest trying to lighten the mood a bit and make dinnertime fun...don't expect too much in the form of manners (except to not eat like animals). My 8 year has excellent manners. My younger ones do pretty good *for their age*.

As for being a picky eater, it's SO normal. I would cook normal meals. Don't base it off of the picky eater. This is what I do - give small portions and only require one bite. If he doesn't like it, let him choose to not eat. But don't get him anything else. You're not going to make him like the food by forcing him to eat, but if you get him to take one bite, then you'll know he's at least tasted it. Sometimes my kids will refuse a bite, but if I get one bite in, they love it. So, that's why we have the one bite rule.

But you will likely make him hate certain foods by making it a big deal (not saying you're making it a big deal...I just know lots of people force their kids to eat ALL their food whether the child hates it or not). We try to keep it as non-power struggle as we can and let the consequences (being hungry) do the talking for him.

Then before bed, offer a snack so your child doesn't go to bed starving. But don't feed him between dinner and before the snack. So, if he chooses to not eat dinner, he knows he has to wait until the snack. And make the snack be a set thing. For us it's bananas. They can either eat the banana or not (and they like bananas...I would choose something you know they would like). And, this snack is always offered. Even if they eat dinner, the snack is still offered. So, it's not just if they refuse dinner.

Basically, I'd suggest taking a step back and see if you're expecting too much from them at their age. See if you can make things more fun for them. It gets a little chaotic at our dinner table with so many little ones, but they are little...it'll improve with age.

I personally see no reason in making food be a battle at all. If they don't want it, fine. Taste it once, but if they don't like it, don't eat it. Then give a set snack so they will have something in their belly to help them sleep through the night. I'm sure other people will completely disagree...hehe...but it works good for us. Good luck.

We still laugh and carry on at the dinner table. It's fun! Let it go. Once a month, have a special dinner - complete with table manners, china, good Sunday clothes, and crystal. During that meal you insist on best behavior -- but you've got to make sure that the meal is something they LOVE.
You need to talk it up during the month and the week before especially... make it seem very very special and a big huge deal.
Then - when you have this meal, you need to be very serious about manners and such. You'll have to be sure your DH is on board as well -- if he's not, it won't work.
YMMV
LBC

If your two year old is not still in a high chair I would put him back in one. I would make the meals that you and DH want to eat (assuming they are healthy and balanced) and serve them as the one dinner to everyone. I would not make a big deal out of it, threaten, reward or praise them. Food is nutrition - it should not be about power. If the little one eats, great. If not, he will eat next meal.

Why can't they laugh at dinner time? I would try to make manners a fun thing - 'oh my gosh, that fork really wants to get those peas to your mouth. Can you get three peas up without dropping them?' Also - are they tired? If they are not getting an afternoon nap (at least the 2 year old) that may account for poor listening. I would also make sure you are modelling the behaviors you want to reinforce. Also that you and DH are actively talking to the kids, not expecting them to sit and eat while you conduct adult conversation that they are not part of. Good luck, it's hard.

Another suggestion--practice desired behavior. At non-meal times during the day, sit down at the table and "pretend" to have dinner and talk about your meal time behavior expectations... then model/praise/repeat daily for a while, then weekly, monthly, whatever it takes. (Suggested reading: Mini Methods or Madness)

I also agree not to make multiple meals. Although, I grew up with the option to choose cereal or PBJs after I tried 2 bites of whatever was being served for dinner. We do the same with our daughter (3) and it has worked well. There have been a few meals that she initially wouldn't eat more than her two bites, but now after repeated exposure she chooses over the cereal/PBJ. Studies have shown that often children need 10-15 exposures to a new food before they may accept it. Food can easily become a control issue with toddlers, so I decided early on with my daughter it wasn't a battle I was going to have.

Also, if you are to the breaking point and you remove them from the table, they are being punished--they need to have assigned time out spots that they sit in until you are done eating, no if, ands, or buts. Running around should NOT be an option.

#1: time to take charge & not let them run the house.
#2: your home is your home, not a restaurant offering multiple menus.
#3: if they don't cooperate with YOUR rules, then there are no snacks - no after dinner privileges - & it's off to bed if they don't make an effort to cooperate.
#4: I've always followed the rule of "5 bites for a 5yo/2 bites for a 2yo"/etc.
#5: be proactive....announce your rules/the rewards for listening prior to the meal. Clearly state the rewards/punishment for not eating/for not listening.
#6: make a reward chart...with special rewards at the end of each week.

Use all or combine these thoughts, & life will go much easier! Watch the "1-2-3 Magic" video & learn even more about disciplining......& you all will be happier!

So you have a united front against mom huh? Well, it's time for you to separate that united front. Start off by explaining the new rules of the game....which are, you will serve dinner and they must eat without any nonsense. If they do not, and start fooling around at the table, immediately remove 1 young man, preferably the one who started it and put him to bed. Lights out in his room,door closed. You will then go on to eat with the remaining young man and see how it goes. My guess is it will go alot smoother. If it does not, he too should be put to bed, separately from his brother. Your game, will continue, until they behave the way you want them to. It'll take a few nights.. Remember, stick to your guns, speak in a low, stern voice and mean what you say. Once they see they can't agitate you, their game will be over. That's what it's about you know....pushing your buttons. Good luck!

you are an intellingent well meaning mother- why would you cater to a child being "picky" by making special meals? i know you love your child, but it's a matter of respecting the work YOU did to put that meal on the table. if the child is hungry, he will eat. he can be picky all he wants. he can eat only green beans of the entire nice meal you worked so hard to make. you don't need to spend even more of your valuable energy making an entire S. meal. he will NOT starve. you're teaching him that mom is a short order cook at his beck and call.

.

I make dinner and if the kiddo doesn't eat, she goes to bed hungry. She knows the rule that if she doesn't eat dinner, no snacks. Our biggest problem was her taking forever and so we started setting a timer. It's worked out pretty well.

Do they get a treat after dinner? Put the treat on the table and set rules for dinner time. 1) no getting out of the chair until you are excused. 2) No toys at the dinner table, 3) no bad words, etc. Tell them if they have bad behavior, no treats. For my kids, a half hour of tv after dinner guarantees good behavior for dinner time. Before you sit down to dinner ask, "who wants to watch tv after dinner?". When they say, "Me!" Tell them the rules. And keep reminding them about the reward and what they have to do it to get the reward. If only one behaves well during dinner, only he gets the treat. And remind the other one why he didn't get it. Tell him, next time. Do this consistently every day for a week.
And what are these words that constitute potty mouth. Bad words should mean no favorite activity, toys, whatever. My kids thinks the word stupid is bad, they call it the 'S' word. My 4 yo came home from preschool telling me she didn't like another girl because 'she said the S-word'.
I do not let my kids skip meals. We are learning about healthy eating, skipping meals is a no no. It won't work because you're not going to starve them permanently.

I have a 3 1/2 yr old & 5 yr old girl and a 6 week old baby boy. My husband works and is home usually around 6 except for nights he works a little later, and is home about 8. I make sure we have a sit down family dinner together, all of us, 3 or 4 times a week. Sometimes, I feed the girls and sit down with them while they eat, and then I eat later with my husband and sometimes I let them eat dinner in front of the tv. We do not make the kids stay at the table till we're done. We make them stay till they're done and then we let them be excused. We make sure they clear their own plates and get them to ask may I be excused. If we're still eating dinner but we're having dessert that night, and the kids are done with dinner, I let them eat dessert before hubby and I are done.
The kids have gone out to eat tons of times, with us, with my parents, and other relatives, and do great at restaurants as well.
Sometimes we're all eating the same thing. Sometimes not. Hubby and I like ethnic and spicy foods which the kids don't so I will make a kid friendly option when I make meals like that. My younger daughter does not like cooked veggies but does like salad and my older daughter LOVES broccoli and spinach but does NOT like salad. So I try and work with these things. We do not get really strict about jokes and potty words at the table, I know others won't agree, that is just our style. (We do keep it to a minimum but do not get mad about every single thing).
My opinion is that you're in a situation where the kids are now in a game of them against you etc and I would take the seriousness out of it and try and just lighten it up and start over on this. I know it's hard. Some things we've done for bad behavior are ignoring it, or reminding them to use their princess manners or sometimes a warning they will be made to leave the table if their behavior doesn't change. Good luck to you!!

Some may see this as a cop out, but when my son was little I REFUSED to fight that dinnertime battle. I'm sure you feed your kids well all day. Cook normally for the 3 that partake of the variety and give the little O. whatever OR offer only what you made. Don't let a 2.5 yo dictate your family's meals!
When my son was impossible at the table...he could leave. I just didn't want our dinnertime to be hell everyday.
If he wanted to eat his plate watching a cartoon--so be it!
(And I have a kid that eats EVERYTHING, but sometimes dinnertime really IS the Witching Hour.)

.

Are you talking about my house? JK. My oldes barely eats and my youngest eats anything!!!! IOur pediatrician siad you can't make your child eat, only offer the healthy choices. If I try to force her to eat something different, it becomes a huge ordeal and ruins dinner time. EX: I wanted her to try homemade mac n cheese. She loves grilled cheeses. Literally 20 minutes of battling and she finally tried it.
MY advice is to not get in the habit of making them something separate, unless it something that is too strong for taste buds, like I don't try shrimp or salmon. I made my oldest grilled cheese or tyson nuggets and now I am battling with her. She is 6 and will only eat certain foods. I am going to mosr likely have to take her to the doctor because she does not eat right- a psychiatrist-
My MIL always offered her kids dessert, like a pudding cup.
One friend makes her kids eat it and if they don't, they have it cold for breakfast, a little extreme to me.
I did a reward chart once she was older, like 4, to build a bear. She had to try all sorts of foods and it worked for a bit. I think 2.5 is a little young for a reward chart.
Sorry this respond was "all over" the place. Good luck, and if you need anything, just email me!