Kids and Dinnertime - a Bit of a Vent

Yep. We have 5 ages 7 and under and dinner time and it can be crazy. I don't really get to sit down and eat at all. (And at school there is not enough time for them to eat, I agree. They chat too much, too).

They are so hungry after school, and carrots won't satisfy. But what will satisfy means the appetite for dinner is killed.
So I usually allow snacks (healthy and plenty of them). And dinner is really small or pushed back late, but it contains the food groups I want them to eat. They know NO dessert (like one cookie or something SMALL) unless they eat the veggies and fruit. Usually no problem.

My daughter knows its eat dinner or no dessert if she asks for dessert she's. Not full. I don't play games at meal time

My youngest was a grazer when he was a toddler/preschooler. He didn't eat much at dinnertime those days because in the afternoon, he filled up on cheese stix, yogurt, fruit, raw veggies, rice cakes.
I never got into the negotiation thing and I didn't serve a nightly dessert. If this is an issue for your daughter, then I'd eliminate the dessert altogether. Put dinner on the table, let her eat as much as she'd like. Don't nag, beg, bribe or threaten, but make sure that she knows that there are no treats after dinner. If she's a picky eater, I'd suggest doing a grazing style dinner - serve a lot of things and let her choose what she wants with no input. Even if she doesn't want to eat the chicken that's the main course, a kid can make a meal of a few cheese cubes, cucumber slices, bread with butter, brown rice, and some berries. It may not be exactly what you'd want her to eat, but it's better than two bites of dinner.Also, no one got up from the table til we were done eating. Once you left the table, you weren't welcome to come back. We didn't allow the kids to get up and down from the table, dinnertime was dinnertime, there was nothing else they needed to do. Good luck!

A lot of kids are grazers - it's actually a pretty healthy way to eat. I serve 3 small meals a day and 3 snacks in between. And my daughter definitely used to get fussy around dinnertime - usually when I had 2 things on the stove and I was trying to pull something out of the oven!

I solved the dinnertime problem by letting her fix her plate and make choices. For example, if we're having lentil soup, she can fill her bowl and add plain yogurt, diced cucumbers and/or sea salt. Or if it's burrito night, she can choose what to fill her tortilla with. She is more likely to eat the food she's chosen herself. There is usually not dessert. If there is, it is my secret until after dinner. And it usually has vegetables hidden it it :)

I also relate to the school lunch thing - my kiddo is seriously distracted during school lunch! I now pack her lunches in bite size pieces - apple slices or grapes instead of a whole apple, tortilla sandwich cut into little "rolls" or sandwiches cut into several "mini sandwiches". It seems easier for her to manage small pieces in the noisy, distracting lunch room.

I hope that helps - best of luck!

Sorry. Doesn't happen in my house and wouldn't. I would NOT allow a child to dictate what happens at the dinner table. Dinner time at our home happens every night but Friday (that's my night out). Meals are prepared - people know the menu - and if they have suggestions - great! Suggest away!! Get her involved in the meal planning!

At our home? They will eat the meal prepared for them. They will NOT get dessert until their dinner is done.

As to your daughter? She wants to scream about it? She can scream to her hearts content - in her room - until she's ready to eat dinner like a RESPECTFUL human being.

I would take her to the pediatrician and have her blood sugar tested. If she's a "bear" after school - then she needs to have a snack BEFORE she has a melt down.

If you want to allow her to dictate the dinner schedule - you might have to move dinner up so that she can have a meal time that works better for her....that's pushing it!

how much protein does she get in her diet? Does she like scrambled eggs and bacon for breakfast? What about beans?

You want her on a schedule? Then PUT her on a schedule. Tell her how it's going to be and follow through. I realize she's not a dog - but you can TRAIN your child. It does NOT have to be fight. She's getting her way. She rules the roost. So that needs to change. The only way to change that is take back control and show her consistency! Tell her how it's going to be and make it so.

Get her tested for hypoglycemia and diabetes.
Make sure there aren't any health issues that will prohibit her from getting on a schedule instead of being a graze eater.

Good luck!!

We have a 5 yr old who has sat at the table (or near it) from the moment she could be strapped in a high chair. Some nights are tougher than others. Some nights she helps DH pick what to make and then looks as though she's been offered a plate of worms. We try not to make it a battle. Are you hungry? Then eat it. If you want to be excused, then you may be, but you can't have anything else. If you are "too tired" to sit properly, you may get down and get ready for bed. Oh, what is that? You are not too tired? Eat your broccoli.

My DD will also announce things or ask us to get them. If I am seated, she can just as easily get her own straw. I keep the things she likes where she can get them.

If your DD is a grazer, then perhaps have a few prepackaged things (as in you package them - fruit or cheese or whatever). Put them in a bin or in a large tupperware container in the fridge. She may have those things that day. Once her snacks are eaten, there are no more snacks. Do not whine. Do not cajole. Do not serve yourself. I would also look at if she is grazing for when she is hungry or grazing because she is bored.

I offer DD food at breakfast though I know she is not much of a breakfast eater, like me. If she doesn't eat well, she has lunch. If she comes home with a lunchbox of half-eaten food, then that is her afternoon snack. She doesn't get another one before dinner.

I've also discussed with DD the choices that go into her lunch, and I pack her things like bread cut into shapes and a baggie of ham slices vs a sandwich, since she's got it in her head that mixed food is gross. So what? So she eats the sandwich in pieces. Would your DD like that? And though we are not short order cooks, we do things like keep veggies raw because DD likes them that way. It is no effort to NOT cook something.

DD also knows that these are growing foods. They give her protein, and calcium and vitamins that she needs. She really likes knowing that her food is making her bigger and stronger. Do you ever mention why you want DD to eat those foods? Imagination Movers also had an episode about good food (some weight lifter that ate cotton candy) and I remind DD about that when she wants candy first.

I also find that if she can't rile me too much, she'll drop it. She knows the standard responses. She can eat or not, but then x leads to y. We've been down that path enough times, so she doesn't fight it. She sometimes even says, "I don't want a treat. I'm just done." Okay, then. You may be excused. Or if she eats two bites, we tell her that we are having a family discussion and she doesn't have to eat (though she often does) but she should keep us company and join in the table talk.

If you find yourself in a tug of war...stop tugging. She can eat or not and if not, what happens?

I never did well with the whining. If they are whining and not willing to eat the healthy snacks offered then send them to their rooms to whine. I told my kids I simply wouldn't listen to that (to me it's like nails on a chalkboard.)
If they don't eat dinner, or only two bites, then fine, they are done. But no dessert. We actually rarely had dessert in the evening anyway because they usually had cookies in their lunch and something sweet with breakfast (like muffins or waffles with syrup.) Maybe try that? Then there's one less battle and thing to whine/argue about.
Oh, and if they don't want to sit down and eat simply wrap up their plate and let them know if they get hungry later you'll heat it up for them. SIT DOWN and enjoy your dinner. Pretty soon your kids will get tired of eating alone at the table before bedtime while everyone else is playing and watching TV. They'll learn to make better choices this way.

When she goes through a growth spurt she'll eat and eat and eat. When she at a plateau she will hardly eat anything at all. This is pretty much how most kids eat.

Ha! Yours sounds like my house a year or two ago. The family dinner thing? It doesn't work for us. I am so jealous of my friends and relatives with kids who will eat whatever it put in front of them. And they are hungry at meal times. And they all sit at the table together.

Two of my kids have multiple allergies, so I do have to cater to their dietary needs. But I refuse to be restricted to what they eat, so my husband and I tend to eat a different meal than what the kids eat. Also, my husband is low carb (I am not) and I am gluten-free (no one else in the family is). I basically end up cooking, serving meals, and doing dishes all day.

But what keeps me sane? I eat dinner by myself BEFORE the kids do. My husband usually doesn't get home from work until it is bath and bed time for the kids, so he eats his dinner alone AFTER the kids do. I eat my dinner at a nice quiet table while the kids watch the last of their TV time. I can savor every bite and never have to get up from my chair. When it's time for the kids to eat, I don't mind serving them, cutting up their meat, wiping up spills, getting them seconds, and breaking up fights because I've got a full and happy belly already.

It's not an ideal situation, and I wouldn't suggest it to most people. But for now, this is what works best for our family. It really cuts down on my stress-induced overeating, and I don't get irritated at the kids whenever they ask for something. As the kids get older, we can revisit the idea of family dinners. Good luck to you!

Grazing is not a bad thing if you can make it work with your schedule. There are other ways for the family to bond besides over dinner. If the "family dinner" is a source of stress,. how much bonding is actually taking place anyway?

So, if it were me in your situation, I'd just cold turkey dessert for a while. Just take it out of the loop. I would just say "we're trying to eat healthier, so we're going to take a break on desserts for a while." and leave it at that.

Sitting at the table? You may get up for silverware, to pick up your napkin, something related to dinner. When my son (6) started to pause mid-meal and get down to pet the cat, he got one warning and then his food was removed. It didn't take long for him to remember that "maybe you want to play with kitty when you are finished eating". ..

I would do as little talking about it as possible. Act like you could care less what she eats. Tell her "I want you to go to the bathroom, wash your hands, and then when you sit down, it's to eat. Glue your bottom to your chair and sit down... when you get up for silly things (anything that has nothing to do with eating) then you are done." Then, follow through.

My son would graze too, and is picky about some foods if I let him be. Example-- he usually has a small bowl of cereal with yogurt in the mornings right away, b/c he wakes up hungry. After this, I offer him "I'm having toast and eggs. Would you like some?" if he says No to part of it (he usually doesn't want the eggs-- he likes them just fine but wants to pick and choose) I tell him "Okay, then, I'm making some toast for you. But let me be clear, if you choose not to have eggs, there will be nothing else for you until 10:30 snack, and that's two hours away."

Then, I stand firm. "Mom, I want..."
"Oh, well, it's still an hour and a half or so until ten-thirty, so you may have a snack then."
"But I'm so hungry"
"Ah, yes, I can see that. Next time, maybe you'll have the food that's offered when I offer it." No further discussion.

For before dinnertime hungry complaints, I make my son a plate of fresh veggies (he likes them raw, we adults like ours cooked) and have it at his place while I do the rest of the cooking. If he asks for food, I just say "you may have whatever is on your plate, dinner will be along soon". No negotiating to allow other things. I might ask him earlier in the afternoon "which veggie do you really NOT want to see on your plate?" to give him some sense of choice, but I don't usually ask him what he *does* want, I just offer the choices on the plate instead of from the cupboard/fridge.

In our house, we do have a saying: "the kitchen is closed" which means that you were meant to eat/snack at those specific times. On any given day, that's five (if not six, what with the second breakfast) times food is available. I am not a waitress. You do not get to 'shop' in the cupboard for whatever you want, when you want.

I'd also suggest bringing a healthy snack to augment whatever she has in her lunchbox... cut up veggies can be re-introduced at dinner. (Just store them in the fridge in a cup of water if need be.) A handful of almonds/protein are also important-- our doctor just reminded us of how much protein kids need. So, it might work to be prepared to offer a little more snack, take the focus off dessert, and try to emotionally disengage when she's pressing. Present choices only at the plate, not sooner (Unless you have the wiggle room to offer 'what do you really NOT want..."-- we only have one kid, for families with multiples, I can understand why this is a problem). My sister's family has two dessert days a week and that's also helped them stop asking. "Is it a dessert day?" she'll ask them. They don't pester her too much about it because she's firm and consistent.

I've also become very good at 'I'll get that for you when I'm ready to... right now, I'm eating". We don't get to order mom around or be the temperamental customer. Want a straw? Have that be part of setting the table. Same with condiments. She can set the table while you cook.

Good luck! They do make us want to run away from home, sometimes, huh? :)

My grandmother was a major grazer.
She could never eat a large meal but she'd pick pick pick all day long.
Most of her life she was thin as a rail.
Then they found she was born with a congenital fold in her stomach.
It had the exact same effect as stomach stapling does today.
Back then they figured it was a problem so they unfolded her stomach.
Well although she could eat full meals afterward, she couldn't give up the grazing habit she'd done all her life so she started putting on a lot of weight.

Keep some apples on the counter.
Anytime anyone gets hungry - tell them 'Have an apple'.
Grapes, raisins, etc are fine too.
At some point they'll learn to help themselves.
Just make sure she has something healthy to help herself to.
At meal time, give her very small plates/bowls and only a spoonful or two of whatever.
If she finishes and wants more you can give her a spoonful more.
Just get in the habit of giving her very small portions.

I can't help but laugh at your post. Your story is so close to my own 6 year old son. He does all of the same things: there isn't enough time at lunch, how many more bites, and I am full. I need to show this to my husband so he knows it isn't just us. I do offer sometimes to make a grilled cheese if I know it's something a kid would hate. I am getting better about making him try it if I know it's something he should like. I also laugh to myself sometimes at the faces he makes when trying something. I think your childis healthy so don't worry it's part of their age :)

Does she eat a good breakfast?

How many hours does she eat lunch?

Does she have a snack at after school care?

Then she eats again in the car and then you serve dinner.

The deal with children is that their stomachs are small. They really need to eat more often than adults. They also are more active through out the day than us.

Also there are times it will feel as though a child is just not eating, but this is showing they are not in the middle of a growth spurt. Grazing as long as it is healthy is fine, just so she does not whine about it.

Does your daughter have any say in dinner? It seemed like if I sat down with our daughter and planned the weeks meals, including all of the meals, we had a better outcome.

I also had what I considered healthy food choices that she was welcome to snack on at her leisure. This was her normal so she never gorges, she just ate when she was hungry with a snack.

Dessert in our home was fruit about 90% of the time.. So this was ok with me if she ate "dessert" and not much of the meal.

I have said this over and over, there were times that even I just could not face the dinner, I had planned, shopped for and prepared, so I ate non sugar cereal instead.

Not a biggie here.

Per your 1st paragraph, well my kids don't do that so I can't offer much advice. We don't have eating or food battles.

Per your 3rd paragraph, well I can: I work at my kids' school. I see the kids ALL the time, not eating. Or hardly. Why? Well yes, they do get enough time to eat, but don't. They are to busy chatting or playing around at lunch. Hence, they waste their eating time, then lunch is over, and THEN they complain they have not had time, to eat.
Sure, some teachers/school staff may say that maybe they don't like what they have for home lunch or school lunch, hence the kid is not eating. Okay. But, still, some kids just do not eat. Even if hungry. Then yes, they are a GRUMPY moody child, after that. And after school. Because, they did not eat lunch. They rather play, at lunch time.
Frustrating.

But, some kids are, just grazers. My son is. So is my Husband. They are grazers. So, the "amount" they eat, is according to their body needs. Hungry. Full. And they eat accordingly. They don't eat due to cravings or boredom etc. They graze, when, hungry. Versus my daughter, will eat, a full MEAL... at meal, TIMES. But regardless, we have meal times, we all eat together. And no matter what style of eating me or my kids or Husband have, we eat. Per our, body's quantity needs.
And its not a battle.

Then, when a kid is having growth spurts, they can eat... seemingly all the time. My daughter, will eat even 20 minutes after a full meal. For example, when she is sprouting up. My son too.
I always know, when my kids are in a growth spurt.

All I know is: there are meal "times." People have "meals" 3 times a day. Breakfast/lunch/dinner. That is typically "scheduled." Then in between that, there is snacking or grazing. But grazing is not necessarily "snacking." Not in my son or Husband's case. And we don't have junk food so I really don't care if they are eating aside from "meal" times. Our Pediatrician in fact said, that my kids eat in a healthy manner. Because, they eat according to their body's cues- hunger/fullness. And that's it. They don't eat out of emotional reasons/moods. Eating for them is not an activity, but per their body's cues/needs. And they do not overeat.

After school though, kids typically ARE hungry. And need a snack etc. Because, from the time they had lunch at school, it was hours before school actually ends and they actually get home.

Anyway, its hard.
But I also know many adults, that are hard to feed too.
LOL

But even with adults, we do not have the SAME appetites, every single day. Some days we are always hungry. Some days not.
So eating or quantity eaten or genuine hunger... is not static. Nor the same everyday. Especially for kids.
Hence, it is important as well, for anyone, to learn their body's cues, for hunger and fulness.

On the other hand, there are some kids at school, that will eat and eat and eat. EVEN IF THEY ARE FULL. Why? Well I actually asked them, why. And they tell me, that it is because, they HAVE TO eat, everything for lunch. And it is because, their Mom says they have to. If not they get scolded at home for not eating, EVERYTHING. (their Mom inspects their lunch bag after school). One kid even vomitted all his food at lunch. Because, he was too, full. And those kids who sit there and stuff their mouths and eat ALL their food, are real stressed about it. I see it myself.
Eating this way, is emotional eating, to please another or out of fear that they will get scolded at home.
It is dysfunctional.
Once I told a kid, "are you full?" And he said yes. So I said "why do you keep eating then? You don't look happy..." and he said "My Mommy said I have to eat everything. That's the rule. And if I don't, she gets mad..."
I would never want my kids, to eat that way.

My kids were pretty picky when they were younger. They have gotten much better at trying new things and eating more as they have gotten older. I tried not to make food a battle. They had to sit at the table with the family until the meal was done, whether they eat or not, and I always tried to put at least one thing on their plates that I knew they would eat. One thing I like to do to get them to try new foods is to take them to a buffet and let them choose their own foods. We usually come away with a new food that they like to eat. Letting them eat dinner at friends houses and sending them away to summer camp are great ways for them to try new things. I do not allow a lot of snacking in my house. A mid afternoon snack of we are really active and working up an appetite, but other than that they need to eat at mealtimes.

Oh yeah, if they want a glass of water, ketchup or a straw they can get it themselves.

That was exactly our son at age 6. If it makes you feel any better he is 9 now and he eats ALL his lunch at school. Eats a small snack right when he gets home and then most nights eats all his dinner (we eat early...5:30 to 6pm). He used to never eat most of his lunch at school and then was starving before dinner. I do not know what changed exactly...maybe just maturing. I did used to give in a lot and give him a huge snack bc he was sooooo hungry and whiney about it. Now I give him a very small snack after school and I don't give in before dinner....I make him wait. He does not wail and freak out like he used to. Maybe just a benefit of being older now. Stick with your rules. Don't give in! Good luck.

Sounds like you need to take dessert off of the table. Our daughter only gets her piece of candy if she cleans her plate, so there's no arguing on that front. If she only eats a couple of bites, no dessert/candy, no arguments. Of course she makes a big deal if it's something she doesn't want to eat, and that's fine, she knows she gets what she gets and she doesn't throw a fit. If she goes to bed hungry, it's her fault. We get together for dinner because it's usually the only time of day we're all together, so it's more social for us.

We are on a pretty general eating schedule, meals are usually at the same time, afternoon snack is either 2:30 or immediately after school and small so she's not too full for dinner.

Our 6 year old's job is to set the table, she puts out the plates and glasses of water and silverware, so there's no arguing on that front about needing her straw or whatever silliness. Maybe if your daughter was more involved, she'd be more likely to want to eat. I know my daughter likes to eat dinner more if I let her help add ingredients or stir or whatever.

My oldest daughter will eat alot of different things but she eats so little and is picky about mixing. We tried the treat after dinner and it was such a problem because she could argue and argue about it, negotiating if she had had enough. I realized it gave her a reason to argue. Now she can have her treat (usually a lollipop or a few candies) anytime after breakfast when there are no daycare kids there--never right before a meal and never right after she act very little at a meal--generally she'll have it when she comes home from school right after the daycare kids I have go home. That way if she chooses not to eat much dinner she knows she is waiting until breakfast. That doesn't mean it still doesn't irk me to have her refuse to eat the very beef she normally would eat simply because I cooked it with pasta instead of separate! Urgh! I have also had it with the "get me a fork, napkin, more milk" nonsense. I felt like by the time the kids had finished their first helping I hadn't even sat down yet. Now she has to help set the table and I tell her I finish most of my food before Mommy is getting back up for seconds of something if she is choosing not to try the other things on her plate.

I think you're on to something with the socialization but that kind of personality thing isn't easily or quickly changed. Time will handle it.

Maybe her end goal at home is actually getting to dessert? We don't have dessert except on special occasions like holidays. No negotiating, no 'enduring' a meal to get to the treat after. The treat simply doesn't exist.

Try not having dessert anymore and see if that changes anything.