Disappointed with My Husband

If you are at the point of wanting a divorce, you need to talk to him about this, preferably in counseling. Divorce is hard on kids, but so is growing up with an unhappy Mamma who is mistreated by their Dad. If he knew you were too this point he may step up, he may not know how bad it has gotten for you. Talk to him.

Where was he on those days? Away, out with others, or home with you? Did he atleast give you a card with a personal note in it? Let you sleep late, take the kids out for you to have alone time? Some guys think that's all women want. Maybe, for the next holiday or occasion, you might get him a taste of his own medicine and see how he takes it.

I would suggest that you both may want to read the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It's helped me to be able to interact more intentionally in a number of relationships, especially with my significant other. The premise is that there are 5 basic ways that people give and receive love. Everyone has one or two methods that are preferred. A lot of the time, spouses have different preferences and so, without intentionality, they often miss loving their mate in the best way.

Have you told him you want a divorce yet? Dont wait, do it now. Let him know how serious you are. But don't file yet.

2 years ago my husband said he wanted a divorce. And after he said that he suddenly became very mean spirited and (even more) distant than before. I knew he meant business.
It jolted me into reality. I read my Bible, and God showed me all the things I needed to do to - Even though I felt like I was the one who was unloved, I needed to show him unconditional love. I needed to serve him, even though I was not being served. He woudln't give me ANY affection, but i continued to iron his clothes, make him birthday cakes, meals, and forgive him daily, even hourly, for how he was treating me. I did this because of an earlier prayer encounter with the lord : I felt my husband was being unfair, and I cried to the Lord. "Lord- you said he was suppose to love me and lay down his life for me!"...and the Lord replied, "I LAID DOWN MY LIFE FOR YOU- do you show you love me?" BAM! that was a blow- i was accusing my husband of doing the very same thing i was doing to the lord- not loving him. At this point I had a renewed love for the Lord, and I wanted to follow him and show him I loved him. The lord told me to serve my husband, so I served my husband as if i was serving the Lord.
Slowly, over a period of several months, his harshness began to change. My husband told me he couldnt divorce me anymore because he could see the spirit of the Lord living in my heart.
Our story is very much like the movie "fireproof" which came out after our ordeal. Rent it and watch it together.
We also read the book "his needs, her needs".
I think a real heart changer besides the Bible was:
for him to read - "If he only knew, what no woman can resist"
for you to read-"sacred influence, what a man needs from his wife to be the husband she wants".
Read these three books, take them to heart.
Katernia, the Lord CAN fix your marriage. But you will have to surrender - and that means, not focusing on your needs, but focusing on your husband needs. I know that sounds strange, but beleive it or not- your husband most likely thinks its your fault that things are bad- because he isnt getting his needs met! it is human nature to want OUR needs met, and if they are not met, to blame the relation problem on the other person and go off looking for needs to be met somewhere else. Needs are a powerful motivator. SOMEONE has to be the first to break that cycle. It isnt a matter of one of you being "more wronged' than the other, it a matter of both of you wronging eachother- being selfish and not considering the other person's needs but your focus being soley on your own. The BIble says that woman was made for man, as his helpmeet. She is told to RESPECT him. In return, the man is told to LOVE his wife the way the lord loved us, and laid down his life for the world. So your hubby is to LOVE you, to the point of laying down his life for you, and you are to RESPECT him. This is a very high endeavor. You have to do your part- even if the other isnt doing his- to get things to go back to the way god designed relationships to be.

I trusted the lord and HE fixed my marriage- He humbled my heart and told me exacly what I needed to do. My marriage is now better than ever. What a waste of a beautiful family if we would have divorced. What a waste of spirit! My poor children went through living hell during our period of "impending divorce" but now they can see how the Lord can work miracles in anyones life- if you beleive in what he says and not give up or give into doubt. Satan will try to make you doubt that God is working on it. Every time satan lies to you and makes you doubt, run to your Bible and read the promises that god tells you are TRUE. Of most importance is: Be patient and WAIT ON TE LORD. It took us 8 months (we both were waiting on the Lord to change his heart) before my husband was ready to stay and say he will not file papers . My husband now adores me, and almost worships me- lavishes affection on me and is very careful with my feelings-a big change from 2 years ago!!! The Lord humbled him and showed him how much he was hurting me. In the past I jumped up and down and complained to my husband for years about my need to be loved- he never heard it. But he heard it loud and clear when it came from the Lord.

So dont jump ship. Find the Lord!
And get those three books- you can probably find them used on Alabris.com or amazon. Read the book of Mathew, and proverb 31 in the bible.

"The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them, he delivers them from their troubles"- psalms 34:17
"you need to PERSEVERE so that when YOU have done THE WILL OF GOD, you will recieve what he has promised" hebrews 10:36

God bless,
Gail

I have felt the same way at times. I have 4 little ones and work part-time. My husband never helped around the house and only seemed to point out the things I hadn't gotten to yet. In fact he too complained that I dripped laundry detergent on the washer (lol). I felt like, heck I'm a single mom already with him gone so much, so why don't we go ahead and make the split. However, I can't imagine having to tell the kids. Well, flash forward about 1 year. Things are different. Mainly because he stopped working so much. He was working 3rd shift 6-7 nights a week. He was too exhausted to help out even when he was around. He finally convinced figured out we didn't NEED the money and it wasn't worth it. The kids were growing up and he was missing out on it all. If I want to call him into action, I just tug at his heart strings about the kids; "I can manage ok if you are gone all the time, but it really hurts the kids not to see you more. The kids are asking about you all the time and they are really sad that you aren't home more". My husband forgot our Wedding Anniversary AND it's on his Birthday! I though it was thoughtless, insensitive and self-centered. Truth is he was probably just really tired and didn't know which way was up.

I don't know what the root of your issues maybe but you need to get to the bottom of it. Don't just walk away without knowing what went wrong. And know that the only thing that's constant is change, so hang in there and see what changes over time. I really like this website: www.projecthappilyeverafter.com. Best Wishes to you!

Just a quick note on comments that you should tell your husband you're thinking about divorce, so maybe he will "step it up" and take you more seriously. This is illogical. Why invest in something that is doomed anyway? Why try and get counseling if it all is going to fall apart anyway? This kind of interaction will reinforce rejection, and push him even further away.

My sister's husband told her, "when you say you're thinking about divorce, it makes me just want to walk away right now." (His parents had gooten divorced when he was 10. A pattern of failure and broken trust was already established in his life.) x Instead, she decided to do the best she could with what she'd been given. She went to al-anon and learned about boundaries and expectations, how to "speak the truth in love." Their marriage has improved, though it's not perfect-- these years later she's grateful that they stayed together. She learned more from staying with this marriage, focusing on her own spiritual growth, than she would have learned through the stress and heartbreak of divorce. And her kids learn about a promise and commitment. Find a better counselor, don't give up. I assure you, there was a reason you married this man. He has a lot to teach you, and your marriage will give you more gifts than you can imagine. You can do this. Don't settle for the way things are now, but don't give up either.

Ask yourself this question... would you want your children to grow-up and replicate this marriage? Do you want your sons to learn to be husbands from yours? Do you think you want your daughters to remain in a situation like this? If you answered "no", then have this discussion with your husband and tell him that you would like to discuss a separation. If he is interested in making things better, give him a timeframe in which to do it and ask him specifically what he plans to do.

At the end of the time frame, reassess and decide.

Good luck!

I'm so sorry you're going through this rough time! You don't say whether you're working full time because you want to have a career or for only financial reasons.........in a situation like yours both parties are too stressed to offer the other any coddling whatsoever, something's gotta give mom. In fact a lot of SAHMs might actually need help with three so very young kids, much less one who works fulltime! I hope you'll wait and try some other avenues before you call it quits, such a crazy time to make such life changing decisions...do you have sisters mom friends neighbors who can help? Might take a whole team of them! I like how someone suggested you leave all three babies alone with your husband for a week...hahaha...not if you want them to all be alive when you get home! I noticed that when my kids were little (3, now 13, 15, 17) the years went faster than the moments...this too shall pass, if you can just stay sane and find little ways to get yourself some relief, you will have a MUCH different perspective in a few short years

I'm not sure what you should do, but from my perspective, you are both living in two different worlds.
He gets to travel and come home to criticize you and you are good to him for his birthday, etc.
You are at home with the kids and don't get remembered for things.
Oh....how I truly believe things would change if you only traded roles for a week. I'm not sure that's possible....but I think he would see the world a little differently if you could.
Heck, I'd be pretty happy if all I had to do was travel around. Come home once in a while and nit-pick. I don't know your husband, but like I said, it seems he's living in his own world and he doesn't see a problem with it.
I don't know if you can get him to empathize with you.
I wouldn't give up on the counselling just yet, and you may have to come right out and tell him that you already feel like a single parent so you aren't seeing the upside of the marriage "partnership". If you're to the point you feel you want out, you need to at least give it one last go and lay it all out there for him to hear. They may suggest that some type of role reversal take place. I don't know. Maybe one weekend, no matter how tired he is, you go to stay with a friend or family and he takes care of the kids by himself. Then, goes right back to work.
I do understand your feelings because I've been there. Getting your husband to understand them is another thing.
I told one of my friends that was complaining about the same things that she was partially responsible for creating the monster. I've known them for years and years and really, it's hard to tell if he's just insensitive or spoiled rotten. I didn't say that to hurt her, she totally agrees with me. He's treated like royalty because she loves him and he loves her, but she ends up feeling like a slave half the time. So, she goes on strike every now and then. She works too. And takes care of everything else. Usually when she just quits for a few days, it lasts for quite a while.
You're obviously an awesome wife and mom so I really hope you can get this worked out with your husband.

Take care!
I wish you the best and hope you get some great responses.

I am sorry for your troubles. I think children are better off with happy parents and observing a healthy adult relationship than with miserable parents. My dad stayed with my mom because it was "good for us," but in retrospect, I am not so sure about that. They divorced shortly after my youngest sister married at age 19, my dad claiming he was done with his duty now. Through adult eyes, my siblings and I have analyzed their relationship from many angles and we all think Dad should have left a long time ago. I guess my point is, you can't make it about the kids.

Your children are sooo young, and you are stretched so thin meeting their needs and that of your household, it might not be the best time to make a decision. I assume you are not looking to date or find a new mate, so why not let your marriage be for now? Try to accept your husband and all his faults and not hold out expectations for how you wish it was. Look for what he is good about (such as loving the kids) and not what you wish he did differently. Try to make time every once in a while to go out with just him (or have the kids go somewhere else for an afternoon and stay home.) I don't know him, obviously, but maybe he is just not demonstrative. That doesn't mean he doesn't care. People don't change that much in my experience. It could be that with less pressure to live up to some "how it is supposed to be" scenario that your relationship is just fine. It could also be that you will be unable to accept it.

If therapy is helpful to you, pursue it without him. A therapist can help you with how to deal with your husband's criticisms; I don't think you should just sit back and take it, but spilled laundry soap and a messy kitchen counter are not grounds for a yell fest and tears, either.

My last suggestion is to enlist some sort of housekeeping help- maybe hire a high school kid to come fold your laundry or do the vacuuming every week. (Can you tell which chores I hate?)

K., I wish you all the strength you need to love yourself as you get through this tough time. I find it amazing that you can manage three under three and a full time job! Take care of yourself and the rest will come together.

Your post is only a peek into your marriage, but from what you say it does sound like you are a full time single parent.

I hope that he does appreciate you, but take a look at it from his point of view. He is working all of the time, even at night when he is in a hotel or apt. he is not home to enjoy or be used to being a dad and a husband and a part of a family life.. His job is allowing you to have 3 children, stay at home, live in a house with a car. Many people do not have this great life.

How long has he had to travel for his job? Has been since you have been married? Since you had children? He may not know what to do with all of the kids. Also traveling is exhausting and stressful on its own. If he has to meet a quota, that is really stressful in this economy.

Is there any way for him to change this work schedule? Are there any things you all could cut back on so that he would not have to be away that long? Can you and the kids meet up with him more this summer?

I have had many mom friends that had multiple children , stay at home, drive nice cars, have beautiful homes, but their husbands are always working. And they live in town. Their husbands also kind of criticize little things and it drives these moms crazy. They get upset that their husbands are not home, but they are living a life based on the total income of these husbands and not understanding that something has to give. To be really, really successful, these men are really, really having to work a lot in a competitive business..

I have suggested the wives hire handymen to do the "husbands chores or fix its", so that when the husbands are home they can be dads and husbands. Also I have suggested these families prioritize spending.

One friend purchases a new car every 4 years. Why not wait 6 years? Why not purchase a slightly used car instead of t a brand new car. Instead of living in the huge house consider down sizing, the house but stay in the neighborhood?

To take the strain off of you, maybe you could hire someone to come in once a week and do the mopping, and cleaning of the bathrooms etc..Hire a college student to come in a couple of times a week for half days so you can exercises or run your errands alone. Make arrangements to meet your husband out of town with the kids once a month for a long weekend. Even if he is not there during the day, you all would spend more time with hi in the evenings..

I am sending you strength. You all can solve this, you just need to find a way to sit down and have a heart to heart. Let him kow you miss him and want his time at home to be pleasant, but not sure how to make it happen. Discuss some options..

I would try counseling again...but with a focus on you only. You can only change yourself. You can't force someone else to change. So I would seek counseling for you on how to come to terms with your situation and help deciding on the best resolution. An outside opinion can work wonders and point out things that you didn't think about before. From your post he sure sounds un-feeling, but there is 2 sides to every story and we don't know what's going on in his mind. So get some help to deal with your feelings of resentment and missing his love. You'll want that resolution no matter what. Your feelings translate to how you handle the kids even if you don't realize it. So make sure you are ok with yourself first, that will help you decide what to do with your marriage.

Children never forget a divorce. The effects are permanent. They don't just pick up their lives and go merrily on. When I was first married, the divorce laws were being made very lenient. Divorce was touted as the remedy for seemingly every kind of marital unhappiness (not just the seriously evil stuff) - and "experts" said it would have no lasting bad effect on children. In fact, they said divorce was actually better for children than living with unhappy parents was. Everybody knows better now.

You can't do anything about your husband. The only person you can do anything about is yourself (in any situation, not just this one). As I read your post, my first thought is that both of you are **exhausted** and defensive. There could be more to it than that, but that's a place to start. Are you willing to go back to the counselor by yourself to find out how to cut through your own stress and defensiveness? Yes, it sounds one-sided, but your one side is all you can do anything about. It's a very important side! You will be glad you did it.

Always, always remember that no one can make you happy but YOU. Your husband, even at his best, can't accomplish that. Nobody is ever loved as much they feel they should be. You don't need him to make you feel special (though of course it would be nice!); you already ARE special. Your value as a person does not come from him - or from your children; it comes from your Creator, and nothing can change that. If you were totally convinced you were a valuable, special person, how would you be different, even if nothing around you changed?

For what it's worth, I felt like a single parent because my husband was so busy with his work. He would come home exhausted and often ill. When he was home, it was common for us not to agree on anything. I have had special days ignored. Finally I learned... so what? Military wives have it worse than I do. Many other people have it worse than I do! I have a lot to be thankful for - and the way people treat me, even at home, does not change my worth. I quit worrying about what was fair - life isn't "fair," anyhow. My husband hasn't become more loving or considerate, but my children have grown up relatively well, I have done the best I can with what I have (which is the best anyone can say), and we will be having our fortieth wedding anniversary in December whether my husband remembers it or not!

Hi Katrina,

I'm sorry your marriage is hitting this patch. My husband is military and, as a result, he is gone ALOT. We are currently seperated because he is in Dover, DE, our new duty station and I am here until the school year ends. We have been seperated since January. He had only been home for less than nine months after a deployment to Iraq. That kind of separation can be a killer on a marriage. My husband is also very "task" focussed and loses the big picture. For instance we are saving all we can so that we can afford to make this move without racking up a ton of credit. We are also paying for two residences, one for him and one for me. He was so focussed on all this that he didn't even send a card. Two dollars and fifty cents plus one stamp would have made me happy. No dice. He's gonna hear about it. I'm giving the mail one more day. Last year for Father's Day I gave that man CHRISTMAS. Literally, while he was out at a ballgame we recreated the entire holiday that he missed while he was deployed complete with tree, dinner, a TURKEY, Christmas presents with Christmas giftwrap. The whole shebang. I, however, didn't warrant a card. I say all this to let you know that it isn't just you, I think sometimes it's just marriage. Sometimes it is really great and sometimes not so much.

You say he's a great dad and that's really good for the obvious reasons, but it's also a good way to convey how you are feeling and appeal to him. Remind him that with every act of kindness or neglect he is teaching daughters how to expect to be treated by their husbands and sons how to treat their wives. If his little girl grew up and her partner henpecked her, ignored her, didn't show her affection, didn't show her appreciation, didn't help her how would he feel about the partner she had chosen? Could he sit silently and watch it or would he feel compelled to intervene? How would he feel about his daughter meekly accepting less than the best from the person who was supposed to love her? What about his sons? If he saw them treat their wives with indifference, treat them with a lack of support and affection, pick on little things and dig at their self esteem, how would he feel about them as men and husbands? Would he be able to sit quietly or would he feel compelled to pull them aside and "set them straight"? And how would he feel if they looked at him and said, "It's how you and mom do it, so why is it right for you and wrong for me?" We are ALL teachers and our actions teach the largest lesson. He might do with some reminding.

Sorry you are going through this,

L.

I understand just how you must feel! We have had similar problems and it is easy to slip into that negativity when you are over worked. My advice is simple: cut out what you can, be super kind to your husband and give yourself time to rejuvinate (do things that give you breaks). The hard part is applying them! You need to simplify and cut out things: quit your job or go half time so you can get time with your kids and get the housework done. If this is impossible, then cut down on house work (hire a maid, mop floors every other week vs every week, etc). Treat your hubby the way you want to be treated,(give him a back rub, give him down time when he comes home, make the home a place he WANTS to come to). I know he has been mean and critical, he is over stressed just like you, and someone has to break the negative cycle. You have every right to be exhausted and sressed, you have too much going on! Try not to think of divorce, it sounds like it would be better but it would not be. Your kids need a mommy and daddy. Finally, give yourself breaks. Try to unwind BEFORE hubby comes, so you will be fresh and able to be kind. I try to read a good book while the kids nap. Also, find ways to be together having FUN! Go to a movie, go to a park, take a walk. Find ways to enjoy each other. Thank you for sharing your feelings. IT gave me a chance to realign my own problems and deal with them better! Thanks!! Good luck!

I am sorry that he is doing this.
Sometimes people ( him ) can't see what they got until they lose it.

I know that leaving is HUGE and it can be a long road ahead of you
BUT you NEED to be HAPPY. This is not all about the kids being happy.
Everyone needs to be happy.

I can not tell you what to do I can only pray for you and your family.

Happy Birthday to you, you are very special.
Happy Mothers Day, you are doing a great job with the children.

May the Good Lord Bless You and Your Family.
I wish you the best.

Disappointment is always a result of expectations and expectations are the road to hell. I know we all would like the people around us to be a certain way. We all have ideas of how family, spouses, friends, and bosses "should" be. The problem arises when reality clashes with our "shoulds". Whether they should or shouldn't, they are the way they are. And the more we cling to how we want it to be, rather than how it is, the more pain we will be in.

I recommend Self-care, Self-care, Self-care. It is time that we, as women, get up off our knees, stand-up, and take charge of our lives. We need to stop focusing on everyone elses' shortcomings and create what we desire. How? By learning about boundaries, communication, healing our wounded hearts, putting ourselves at the top of our lists, letting go of victim belief systems, stop giving ourselves away in the hopes that we will change others, and focusing on what our needs are and how can we make sure they get met.

Is this "selfish"? You bet! Anyone that says it is not okay to be selfish is worried that you won't be taking care of their needs. Not your responsibility. Think about it. If every person were responsible for their own needs--how much easier would life be for everyone. It is impossible to make someone else happy or for them to make you happy. We keep trying that over and over and yet we all know the definition of insanity is to keep trying it over and over expecting a different result. Life just doesn't work that way and so maybe we could start trying a different way.

Get counseling for yourself, study information about boundaries and co-dependency, receive permission to care for yourself, seek out support, journal, get information about good parenting and childhood development so you can be informed about how your many choices could really effect your children, create time for yourself (it has to be a concious effort and a priority. Your children may get less of you in the short-term, but I assure you, you can give them no greater gift in the long-term), and, most of all, turn inward to seek your happiness-let go of seeking it from the outside by putting expectations on others to meet your needs.

As you become more informed and turn inward, you will find your own intuition and you will be able to make the important choices through more ease and with much less pain and stress. Best wishes, T.

Hi, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Trust me, I understand. I agree with a few suggestions that you received: find a GOOD counsellor--they exist and can make a big difference; don't fall into "victem" mode (make sure you plan something special for yourself on important days); try to apply some of the money you are making toward getting yourself a break occasionally. I am hoping for the best for you. I too am trying to hang in with a tough situation. Good luck.

I am a firm believer in taking care of yourself (mentally and physically). Obviously the children come first but if you are that unhappy, don't suck it up – especially if it has lasted so long. Maybe try a trial seperation? I have not met anyone "scarred" by a divorce. I hear about them and read about them but never meet anyone that says they were traumatized. I see more resentment from people towards their parent who wasn't there growing up (divorced or not).

Can your husband cut back on work? If your husband can't cut back his work and/or travel, maybe you should cut yours...it is a lot to juggle I am not against working---I like working and I still do part time, but I couldn't do all of it, it was just too much, and I was resentful all the time. When I left my job I became a much happier person, and my family is happier too.

He doesn't know why you need a break from the kids...because he has never been on his own with the kids for more than a few hours of playing, right? He just doesn't know. Can you arrange for him to be in charge of them for a week, or even just a weekend? (like take a trip to visit a relative or distant friend and he is in charge of the kids/house/food/laundry)

With my husband and I, it's somewhat the opposite. I work, while he's with the kids. The difference is, I have been home with the kids before and I know how hard and tiring it is. I do appreciate everything he does, but I just plain forget to let him know it. I am a very absent minded person. I'll be at work and on my way home, I'll think, "I'm going to do something special for him when I get home to show him I love him and appreciate him." But when I get home, I feel like sitting down and that's it. I completely forget about the promise to myself of showing my husband how I felt. He's even asked me to tell and show him more often. And I tell him I will try harder. Though it seems like you have a different situation. I realize he's probably never been home alone with the kids all day. I guess I just suggest that you tell him that you need to talk to him. If he seems a little offish about this, tell him how you're feeling about the divorce. Tell him, you guys need to straighten some things out, or you think you might have to leave. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. If he really cares about you then he will be willing to sit down and hear you out. Tell him that you don't feel appreciated. Tell him how hard it is with the kids, tell him what you do all day and what you have to deal with. And I don't know if you are a religious person or not, but if you are, you can pray. It never hurts to pray. But if you think divorce is the only way to fix the problem, then don't worry about the kids. It's worse for them to see their parents not loving each other than it see them apart and happier. But I do believe it is the last option that should be taken.

I don't know what the answer is, but do TRY EVERYTHING before divorce. It WILL affect your kids. I have been a teacher for 7 years and I can almost always spot the kids that are from a divorced family. ALSO, think of this... If you get a divorce you will have NO control over your children when they are with their dad, that means you will have to just sit back and let him, feed them what he wants, make up his own rules for them, you will have no control over the children when they are at his house and his girlfriend comes over. Even if the divorce is amicable do you always want the kids shuffling back and forth? Just some thoughts.

Kudos to you for being such a strong woman and holding it together for your kids. It does sound like your husband is mistreating you. Part of marriage is growing together and helping each other to become better people. That said, my husband checked out of my marriage emotionally about two months after my daughter was born. I tried to get him to talk to me, spend time with us, do anything, including counseling but the situation deteriorated. Right now I am in the middle of a divorce and I am going to tell you it is not easy. I got myself into counseling and that has been uber helpful. I saw a child psychologist several times because I too was so scared about the effects on my daughter. The reality is there is no difference in school performance and emotional and social growth between kids from divorced families and kids whose families are intact. What seems to cause the biggest challenges for kids, are those that come from unhappy, conflict driven homes. Bottomline: If you are ok-they will be ok. I never in a million years thought I would ever considered divorce. But, I did not want my daughter growing up and thinking how daddy treated mommy was ok. I didn't want my child to end up in the same type of relationship/marriage one day. Of course it is not something to take lightly, but it seems as if a change needs to happen. As far as not being able to control what goes on at daddy's house. Yeah you can't control the TV , what he feeds them, their bedtimes, etc. But in the scheme of life that is the small stuff. You will always be there to tow the line and show them that unconditional love.
But really I just hope that somehow it gets through your hubby's thick skull :o) what a wonderful life he has now with his wife and kids-stress, travel, dirty laundry, and all. Remember you are a great mom. On another note- definitely don't stress laundry, cleaning, etc. I am convinced a clean house is a sign of insanity. hahaha--but really if someone doesn't like it let them do it themselves. I say this as I am staring at a pile of laundry that could engulf me! Good Luck!

Dear K.,
If you have tried everything like you've said you tried as far as counceling and nothing works, then the best thing to do is to separate and get a divorce. Right now your children don't see him that often as it is, they will eventually get use to it. It will be very hard for them no matter how you try to make it easier. But the main focus would be to reassure your children that they are not the cause of the divorce and that you and your husband love them unconditionally and forever.
I think one should try to do everything to salvage their marriage, but girl; if you have done it all and there is no changes then you need to let it go.

Is it possible that he is having an affair? This is just speaking from personal experience. My husband, who traveled, was gone all the time and when he did come home he was rather mean, overcritical and just plain distant. I wouldn't stick around just for the sake of the kids though, especially since you're taking care of them 24/7 alone - rock on girl! Kids will mimic the dysfunction they see growing up. Child support on 3 kids should help pay the bills. Best of luck.

Have you considered that he may be seeing someone else during his time away? Men tend to compare their wives with whom they are cheating on. They get overly critical and easily annoyed because their mind is on another woman and at that time their wife doesn't measure up. Not saying that is true in the least. You sound like an awesome woman to be doing all that you are doing and I commend you. It's just that men sometimes fail to realize just how wonderful we really are and take us for granted. Do a little checking if you can.

All I can say is #1. the younger the kids are the easier the divorce will be #2. you are missing something in your life that your husband is refusing to give you and it is easier to go out looking for it if you are single vs. married, even with children.

Your hubby may just be overly-tired, depressed, and/or stressed so he nitpicks on you and your working habits to make himself feel better. But if seeing a counselor didn't help at all, then it probably is time to hang up the marriage hat before his treatment towards you gets worse.

Is there a possibility that he's trying to push you towards a divorce so he can be free to see other people and/or make you look like the bad guy so he doesn't? Could he already be seeing other people?

Good luck and God bless.

Wow I feel your pain. You must be the most organized person to manage all the things you are managing at home and work. My husband goes out of town for work too and I have one child and this is difficult so you get snaps from me at least. Its nice that he is good with the kids but your kids are also seeing an example of a marriage. Would you want this kind of marriage for your kids when they grow up? Because your marriage may be the standard that is being set for them. You tried counseling and it didn't work. Maybe you can try a different counselor. Or if you think life would be easier and or happier with a divorce, perhaps you could try a trial separation. Anyway, you sound like you need a lot more support and I hope you find it.

I am VERY sorry you are dealing with this. At first I was thinking that, in addition to you, he must be exhausted and feel like he just wants some validation for what he does (being out of town, supplying an income, etc). But after reading that he did not do anything for your birthday and Mother's Day makes me think that he is just plain selfish and even resentful.
I think it's time you focus on you and the kids only. If you have tried counseling, family support, etc.- something's not getting through to him and it's time to do what's best for YOU so that you can better be there for your kids. Please don't mistake me... I know you are there for your children; but at some point, I'm afraid that the children will begin to see what's going on between you and your husband and thus treat it as "acceptable behavior". Perhaps it's time to start looking at other avenues with regards to your marriage. You're doing everything yourself now... would it be that much different? You deserve a man who loves you and respects you and what you're doing- not a fourth child.
Good luck.

My former husband was much the same way. Note the use of "former" husband. A relationship takes two to make it work. If only one person is contributing to the relationship, it isn't much of a relationship and it will not last. Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings on this one. The bottom line? You can entice him to want to work on the relationship with love and kindness, but you cannot force him to work on the relationship. If he doesn't want to do it or is too self-centered to do it, the relationship will die.

I have been much, much happier since my former marriage ended, by the way. It is very corrosive and demeaning to be in this sort of situation for a long term. I am now engaged to a wonderful man who actively works on our relationship.

K.,
You have had many responses so I am not sure if what I say will be a repeat or not. Not everyone views love the same way. Perhaps he does show you he loves you in his way not yours, but you might not recognize it. And visa versa, maybe his love language is not gifts or acts of service like it sounds like yours is. Maybe his is time and he fills unconnected to you because of work. I suggest you read up on love languages. There is book called the five love languages that is excellent.
Just to get you started here are a few tips about LL.
A persons Love Language, is usually how they show others love. For example if someone close to you remembers your birthday with a gift, they probably would like that if it were their birthday.(gifts) If someone calls you and tells you how much they love and appreciate you or writes you a note, that is what they would like.(words of affirmation) If someone wants to take you on an outing for your birthday, that would mean they would appreciate that (Quality Time). when someone asks you if there is anything they can do for you to make you day special they would probably like that in return (acts of service) And if someone close to you likes to give hugs, shake hands, rub shoulders, pat backs, snuggle, then those are the things that speak to them (physical touch). Those are the five LL. Try for a week and see if you can tell what your husbands is. I guarantee you that when you are showing him love in the way that he understands it, and you tell him your expectations of how you feel loved, he will start to give love back. It is hard to fill someone up with love when you are empty yourself. But it is easier to do when you realize it. you have realized it, he may not have yet. So try to be the bigger person for a week or two, do experiments to figure out which LL he speaks. After you think you know, have a talk with him about it and tell him yours too. ( guys are usually always Touch and something else) So even just as you walk by him, touch his shoulders or arm, or give him an extra hug or a hand squeeze. Try to make him feel special and that you love him, and he just might snap out of it. I agree with those that said be honest about your feelings, but also be honest about what you expect from him. And ask him what he expects from you. All angry and resentful feelings come from unmet expectations.
I hope this will be helpful,
Good luck
E.

Does he know you want a divorce most of the time? If counseling hasn't worked, maybe you need to find a new therapist? Or see therapists individually?
I'd worry more about the effect on the kids as they watch their father totally disrespect their mother. That sets up horrible self-image and relationship issues for their futures. I'm not saying that husbands have to go out and spend big bucks on their wives, however, doing ANYTHING for your birthday, making sure the kids give you a card, go out to dinner, give you some time off, ANYTHING for mother's day, shows that he cares about you.
I have a friend going through a similar situation. At this point, she's sure he's just waiting for her to leave so he can say he wasn't the one who ended it.
He doesn't care for you. I'm sorry that it's blunt. But it's true. When you care about someone, you do what you can to make them feel good. You try to be better when things aren't going well. You don't belittle them, you don't criticize stupid things like a drip of detergent, and you don't make them feel bad for needing a break from thei 24-hour-a-day job of taking care of 3 children under the age of 4:(
I'm guessing you know this and you're now looking for support in deciding what the next step is. You can obviously take care of yourself and your children if he's gone that much. A divorce would get you some money and probably mandated breaks from the kids when he has minimal custody whenever he's not traveling.
It sounds like he's a wonderful father, and just a crummy husband. If he's not willing to make things better, it's time to move on and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated as a partner, a mother, and a woman.
But, it is NOT your job to make your own Mother's Day nice. It's not up to you to have a good birthday. That's what marriage is about. Looking out for the other person, making them feel special. Otherwise, why get married? Anyone can go away with their friends for a weekend. A partner plans things for you. A partner involves the kids in planning Mother's Day. A partner doesn't criticize the way you run a household when they aren't there 85% of the time to help out.
Your husband isn't a partner. He's a bachelor who hates that for a little time each month he has to pretend he's not:(
Good Luck:)

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. There is nothing worse than when someone checks out in a marriage and you don't know why they won't check back in. I am thinking you need to really evaluate the condition of your relationship which I think you are doing. Just ask yourself, Is this really worth it? And what are you supposed to do if he won't even try? Which he isn't.

Everyone wonders about the effect on kids in divorce and of course it is never easy but I very rarely hear people ask what is the effect on kids when they grow up watching an unhealthy and even abusive parent situation. I wonder how your kids will grow up thinking a relationship is supposed to be. Do you want them to grow up and have your daughter marry a man that acts like your husband is or your son grow up to treat his wife this way? I don't think anyone would want that for their children, but unfortunately this is what they are learning is normal.

In fairness, I am a believer that we all need to work our hardest on our marriages. It is hard, and painful, and near impossible sometimes but typically worth working for. With your husband making no effort, is it worth working for? Only you know. Do what is best for you and your children and sometimes, divorce is the right answer and sometimes not.

One last note, the travel that your husband has to do is harsh but not an impossible thing to work family around. My situation is nearly the same as yours, only my kids are each 1 year older than yours, and my husband travels about 3 weeks out of every 4 weeks. When he leaves we all miss him, we all cannot wait for him to come home and he feels the same. He does what he does to support the family and looks forward to his time with us. This is what you should expect, don't sell yourself short.

Good luck to you, I know how hard it is right now. Just trust your instincts.

You sound like a strong woman. Your husband either has no idea how to treat a woman, or just does not care anymore. My advice to you would be to get a divorce. Life is to short to stay unhappy, and if he is gone most of the time, really you are the backbone for your children, and if he is loving with the children like you say, just because you guys get a divorce does not mean you guys can't have a decent relationship and take care of your children separately. My true advice is COMMUNICATION, it is the key to any relationship, even if it means hearing things you do not want to hear, nothing ever gets resolved without communication, tell him how you feel, maybe he will change if he wants the marriage to work, or maybe you will both find out you want to separate but always be there for the children. Children don't need much more then love, and although divorced children tend to have more problems then children who only have one set of parents, that is usually because divorce families don't usually figure out ways to see the children equally, or one of the persons leaves for good..etc..etc.. I took a psy class on this..

Wow your husbands gone that much & you still found time to have 3 kids that close in age, lol......You have got to be tired supermom, cause I don't know how you are managing. Do you have a housecleaner or a nanny that comes in to watch the kids while you go to work? Your husband is not being attentive to you. Everyone needs a break whether it's from kids, work etc. Can you have someone come in to help around the house & to give the kids baths or watch them so you can grocery shop. since he works away from home so much get a marital workbook, there is one that some of my friends have used & said it was great called the 7 principals to saving your marriage, get 2 so you each have one. And for your birthday & mothers day just know that he isn't going to do anyting for you so you plan your day& tell him he has the kids. And I say continue counseling if possible with his work schedule.

I am so sorry to hear about this, it must be hard. my parents had a bad marriage, fighting a lot and not even sleeping in the same room, as a kid I did not want them to split when they told me one time they would I freaked out but as an adult I think they should have done it. i think we would have all been happier and it would have showed me a better model for a healthy realtionship. it is good that you say he is a good dad, IF you do split keep in mind that no matter what you really should not bash dad....my mom did that a lot (still does) and it makes me angry at her not him. good luck xo

My husband has bigger problems. He's actually antagonistic. And he didn't think he had to do anything to make me feel special, because his parents never did that for each other. I remember after being married for just a few months, I was shocked when we brought over a dessert the day before their anniversary. We said we brought it over the day before so we wouldn't miss them when they went out to celebrate. They both laughed and said they don't go out on their anniversary, or ever. Come to think of it, I wonder why my husband even mentioned their anniversary and suggested I take a dessert over?
Last year for Mother's Day, I told him exactly what I wanted, where to buy it, and how much it cost. He didn't get me anything. At least when he went to the gardening store to buy manure for the grass, my oldest son asked if he could buy me a flower. So he did. One primrose from a flat. That was the extent of the effort he put into Mother's Day.
My dad was somewhat along those lines. My grandmother grew up in the Depression with a single mom (her dad died in the influenza epidemic) who worked two jobs. They never did anything for birthdays, ever. So my dad didn't get birthday parties or even a cake on his birthday. The difference between my dad and my husband is that after a while, my dad began to appreciate my mom's efforts to make us feel special. However, it's just in the past few years (they're now in their late 60's) that he remembers to put anything in her Christmas stocking! Mom always said she had to teach him to do something nice for her.

I said my husband is actually antagonistic. He has a personality disorder that makes him get over-the-top angry when he's stressed. He's doing a lot better now than he was several years ago. Back then, he got violent and really really mean. I took the kids and moved to my parents' house for 5 months. He got counseling, and we came back.

After the horrible stuff was gone, I was left with a mediocre relationship. That's not what I wanted, but after a lot of thinking and praying, I realized that my alternatives were much worse. I can't go out and get a job to support myself and my kids. I don't want custody problems, and the problems the kids will have without a dad and being shuffled back and forth. I don't want to be divorced and single again.

So I lowered my expectations. Instead of being mad at him for not doing anything for me, I am supremely surprised and happy when he DOES do something nice for me. It seems like he does more for me when the pressure is off and when I don't feel entitled. I'm not at all sure it's healthy, but it works, and I'm happier.

It reminds me of my best friend. When she calls me out of the blue and says she'll be in town and can she see me, I am ecstatic. I don't get mad at her for not calling once in the past year, I'm just happy to see her. And if I did get mad at her for not calling, what's the likelyhood that she'll call me again? Pretty slim.

And during all of this, I read a book by Dr. Laura. The only part that I remember is that after you make your decision, stop complaining about it. So while sometimes it's hard to have such low expectations from my marriage, I just remind myself not to worry about it and complain about it, because I've made my decision and I don't want to constantly make that decision over and over again.

I know this is a decision that a lot of my friends don't understand. We're trained by movies and love songs to believe that a relationship is supposed to be romantic and wonderful. And maybe it really can be. But for thousands of years, marriage was more of a business contract. The husband provided and the wife care for the children and the house. I've decided I can do that. I have a beautiful house and three amazing children. By demanding even more, I make myself miserable because apparently, it's something I can't have.

That said, it doesn't mean that you can't look for ways to improve things. Is there any chance that your husband could change employment? Ha ha, I know, in this economy that's a joke, right? My husband was unemployed for 6 months and it was hard. He got rehired by the same company, but it's changed a LOT and he hates it there. So while he works, he's keeping an eye on the job market and filling out applications.
Could you change your employment? Sometimes you can't, but sometimes, what seems impossible can actually happen. I have a friend who worked for years, even though she wanted to stay home. She said she couldn't afford to quit because they barely made ends meet as it was. From the outside looking in, I could see that all the expensive convenience food and eating out was taking a huge chunk of her paycheck, and if she stayed home, shopped the deals, and cooked food that wasn't out of a box, she could probably stay home! Add to that the day care, and I'm sure she could have done it. She had to stay a little longer for health insurance, but then finally got to stay home and make it work.
As for needing a break, do you have some friends you could barter with for child-care at night? You could watch their kids one night and then trade? Then you could get away. My mom said that she used to spread her kids out among several friends. So my oldest sister went to spend the night at her friends' house, and my brother at his friend's house, etc.
Anyway, those are some things to think about.

I am most troubled by this sentence: " Most of the time, I just want a divorce" JUST? Your life sounds like no picnic. My husband and I both work full time too, and it's not easy.... is so not easy. However, while my husband is home, I often feel exactly like you do - that he doesn't care, because while he is here.... he might as well be somewhere else. I take care of the baby, cook, clean, etc.
One recommendation I have is if you both are working, you can probably afford a house cleaner. We have one that comes once a week, and I still feel like I am constantly cleanign with the day to day dishes, floor messes, etc. Having the housecleaner come is really helpful fo rour marriage though because we have taken the stress out of the who does what scenario. We started this when I was commuting out of state for my job and was out as much as your husband is now. I was spending every minute when I was home cleaning, and that wasn't working.
It's important foryou children to have a father and if you have gone to counseling it sounds like he is willing to try, and you are too - but somethin gisn't clicking. Try a different counselor. There are very few good ones - so just keep switching until you get one that works for you. AND hold them accountible!! When we went to counseling we asked how many sessions up front, because we didn't want to do this indefinitely, and we wanted real and workable solutions, every session. He complied.
BTW, my husband did nothing on mothers day either. While he read the newspaper, I cooked breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, did the laundry, changed the baby, then I moved on to mowing the lawn, then made lunch, and put the baby down for nap. I was so angry I could barely stand it. Later in the day he apologized, but at thi spoint it doesn't mean much. I decided to change my expectations. Just because it's important to me, then maybe I should be the one taking responsibility for my own important day. And while I was clear to him about what I wanted to do that day... and he still didn't come through... next time, I will just make my own celebratory plans, and give him the choice to participate or not. To me, it's not fair fo rme to make him responsible for my emotions and my expectations. I focus on controlling what I can, and keeping the responsibility for me in my own court. So in your case, make your own birthday plans that are doing htings you want to do... with whoever you want, and let him know "here are my plans for my birthday" and let him know what you need him to do (if anything) or invite him along (if you want) and move forward with your special day. (Get a sitter if that includes some down time from the kids.)

I hope some of this helps you. You have the strength of 10 women to do what you do!! At least having 2 jobs gives you some flexibility to bring in some help when you need it. And, if you can't use the free help, your husband, then just tell him you need reliable help, and you are going to have to pay for it.

Divorce is not the answer, sometimes you just have to pick up your bootstraps a little higher. My friend sees her husband 3 times a year and usually only for a week or less. She has to do everything around the house and when he comes home she does even more, like do the laundry. She knows that their daughter misses her daddy very much and so when he comes home she has them spend all the time they can together knowing that she has her husband to herself at night. Now a traveling husband is not for everyone, but in this economy, thank goodness he has a job.

You need to send little reminders about special times, because men just don't get it. When he is home take his phone and set up his calendar for reminders of the times he needs to remember. He is so busy trying to provide for his family, that he doesn't remember the little things that are important to us. I always have to remind myself of that, because I work on the days my husband has off, and I get frustrated when the chores I list out aren't completed, but men can't multitask like women can, and so I have to be pleased that he even got part of it finished.

Would he read a book if you asked him to? "His needs, Her Needs" is a very helpful one.

I'm a mom of 3, soon to be 4. My husband and I work hard to create a path for a better future for us, as well as our children. 3 years ago, I was a SAHM with my three kids (Ages were 2, 1 and 6 mo). I was bored when the kids went down for a nap, or when they were playing so I decided to start an online business-selling custom designed photo invitations and announcements for various occassions. I am a college graduate, but not in this field. Over time, I taught myself the software needed to fulfill this itch I was feeling toward working but still being a SAHM. This business took off and I was able to care for my kids during the day and work in the evenings when they went to bed. My husband worked days and was home in the afternoons. It was the ideal setup.

2 1/2 years ago, my husband got laid off. I wasn't making enough with my side business to support the family. We both decided to look for jobs and see who found one first. That person would go to work full time and the other stay at home with the kids. The idea of working full time devestated me, because all I ever wanted to be was a good mom. Career was never #1 on my list. But I knew that I had a degree and had a better chance at getting a better paying job then my husband. We ended up getting job offers on the SAME DAY. God was watching over us, because my job was only part time, day hours and his was full time, 2nd shift hours. We didn't need to look for daycares, etc. I worked, satisfied in my part time career and still being able to spend most of the day with my kids.

Last year, after having a hard year with our income producing investment NOT producing income, we decided to make a change. My husband decided to start a trucking business. My first reaction was "If you go trucking, we can sign the divorce paperwork now." He reconsidered for 2 months after I said that. I didn't say it because I didn't love him, or because we were having problems. I said it for completely opposite reasons- I loved him so much, I didn't want him to be gone most of the time. I told him, it would be hard for me to manage the kids, the house, the investment property and all the paperwork that I knew would inevitably fall on me to do for his new business.

In the end, we decided together, that if we want to reach our goal of a better future, we would have to make some sacrifices. We gave a timeframe of 3 years. After which, we would have 2 trucks and he would hire drivers, so that my husband can be at home. The kids would be young enough and just starting things like sports and after school activities, that we want to take part in. For him it would be that he would miss out on time with the kids and me. For me, it would mean a lot of extra stress and burden with the additional work load.

At this time, I went to work full-time, put my kids in a private pre-school, 1 minute from work, and am working the same hours they are in school. The kids were happy with having a structured learning environment (which was hard for me to do at home becuase of the difference in age and development levels), and I was happy working where I was, doing what I do. I didn't have to sacrifice time with the kids because when they got out of school, I was there to pick them up and then we spend the restof the day together. My husband invested all our savings into a truck, trailer, and all the astronomical fees, taxes, etc that went along with starting up this business. Last July he started driving.

He would come home once a week, for a day or two, sometimes less, sometimes more. Depending on the load he had. Reality is: If the truck is not moving, we are not making money. We planned his trips accordingly so that he didn't miss a holiday, birthday, or special occassion. We even managed to get away on a cruise last year just to rekindle our marriage from the months of him being away.

Right around this time, we found out that we were expecting our 4th child.

I tell you. Just when things start to fall into place, we have to plan to rearrange again. I just got offered a promotion with large pay increase at work. We just got into the swing of things of having this mad crazy life, and to throw in a pregnancy, just put everythign else on hold...

I accepted the promotion without anyone knowing I'm pregnant. But when the pregnancy hormones hit, my life turned into one big unmanageable ball of stress. All of a sudden, I couldn't handle all that was on my plate. The kids were missing daddy. They cried at night wanting to give him a hug and a kiss, and I cried right along with them... draining me emotionally. The investement property was still not producing income (or paying for itself for that matter) because of the economic downfall... draining our pockets faster then we can fill them. My job was more demanding with changes that were not planned... draining my stress levels. And my husband was gone more then ever becuase it was a low season in trucking and we had to make our payemnts... draining us of our relationship.

I honestly felt like a single mom that had to wear 10 different hats every day, just to survive. When my husband came home, the first few minutes were filled with love and joy, and then the reality of what had to be done now that he was home hit, and the yelling, arguing and general unhappiness started. The kids sensed it. He knew it. I cried uncontrollably about it. I felt like my life was falling apart. With my other pregnancies, my husband would be the shoulder I cried on when I had a hormone crazy day... he would massage my feet... He would get me whatever it was I was craving at whatever time I craved it... He would help me with every chore and do all the "man" work around the house and property. I felt really unloved, really down and just really unhappy. I thought long and hard about him as a husband and as a father... I asked him if he wanted to leave. Whenever I brought up the idea of us parting ways, he would cry saying that he was only doing this for us. Somedays I accepted this answer. Other days, it was hard for me to understand how he couldn't see how much I do and how I just can't manage it all.

Trucking is VERY hard on our marriage. There is so much more miscommunication and lack of communication, which is such a key ingredient in a healthy marriage. I can imagine it's the same challenge for any profession that has to do with being away from the household.

Last week, he was in an accident. His truck is totalled, but he walked away without a single scratch. He came home and we just hugged and cried. How do you juggle the realities of life with the important things in life? We talked about stopping the business. We talked about him getting a "normal" job. We talked about changing our goals for the future to accomodate our current life.

I am due in about 6 weeks. I will be going on leave in 4. Him finding a job that pays as much as trucking does is unrealistic. Reality is, we need his income now more then ever because I will be out of work with no income for some time.

At this time, we are unsure of what the future holds for us. I am trying not to stress about it, as the stress brings on contractions and I don't want to put my baby's health in jeopardy.

I feel your pain about your husband not being around. It's a hard hard life. You feel so lonely. So unloved and unappreciated. So unhappy.

I can't offer you any magic advise, except to reevaluate your life and your priorities. I've foudn that with each curveball we've been thrown, and with each reevalution that curveball made us make, our life got better and we got stronger. Perhaps your husband feels the pressure of keeping up with his family life standards and is concerend about potenitally losing his job and losing it all. Perhaps he'd dealing with somethign behind closed doors that he just doesn't want to talk about. Although it may be easy for you to be open and honest with him, I think men's ego and role as "head of household" sometimes gets in the way of their reality and they have a harder time communicating to you. Perhaps, just loving him and being their for him, no matter what the cost of sacrifice on your part, will allow him to realize that he can come to you with anything. Perhaps the problem is deeper then you mentioned here, and until the root of the problem is found and resolved, making a smart decision will be near impossible to do.

God knows what He's doing. When you beleive in Him and trust that He will guide your life the way it's meant to be, somehow a burden gets lifted even if nothign else changes in your life.

I basically tried to deal with it as much as I can as a human being... but I came to a point where I threw my hands up in the air and realized that I can't control all that happens. Something miraculous happened then... I was calm. I felt at peace, knowing that I have a great life, and I am a strong woman, and that God will never give us more then we can handle.

So, here's to us mom's with husbands that may not understand our daily struggles, and to knowing that God has our back.

If anything, know that there are many of us out here going through a simliar struggle...