Lost in Bad Marriage

A.,
I know the feeling of dispair. And the only thing that is working for me is my relationship with God. Through prayer my husband has turned away from a three year addiction, is working more and helping with finances, is home more in the evening with our children. It has been a LONG road and I tell you, when I wasen't praying for him to die, I prayed for God to strengthen me from killing myself. I found a womans group to attend at a center away from church along with being involved with the churches womans groups, like book clubs or afternoon meets over the weekend. I stayed very busy in a life without him and focused on me. This allowed time and God to do what needed to be done. God's work does not unfold in one day. It took him 6 to create exsistance. I would not expect a time factor for healing to begin in your home. I would how ever give the Lord a clean canvas to paint on. Talk with him and tell him you need him. He will fill in EVERY void you feel. Find a church to attend and get involved with a program they may offer. You will be satisfied, I assure you. I know, I know......You've got so much on your plate now with the children, and school, and needing to cook, oh yeah clean, laundry, baths, etc.....the list will never end but time one day will. Seize the moment and get to God, for any alternative will be unsucessful to your happiness. Just do it. Find a church and go and allow the maker of all to fix you and your marriage. I attended church with both boys for 3 years before my husband started to come. And now he gets the boys ready in the morning for service. Your husband might not agree and hey maybe he will and then take it from there. Seek the Lord and he will not fail you. Humans on the other hand are only human.
I'm not sure of the area you live in but in Ocoee, on Fullers Cross is Glad Tidings Assembly Of God. If not here get somewhere and save yourself and children from another statistic home of divorce. G.T offers child care and youth programs and bible studies and the people are very warm and welcoming.
Bless you sister and I will pray for the favor of the Lord to fall upon your heart for a calling.

I was in a similar situation...honestly I look back and I wonder was I ever actually happy? I have never been one to stay in a "not healthy" relationship or one that I was not giddy over for very long. normally if I was not happy I was done. this time I stayed( I beleive everything happens for a reason) got married inherited 2 awesome step-kids and had one of my own. the minute I found out I ws pregnant I knew my marriage was over. I tried the counseling and stuck it out for just over a year. for me the best thing I did was make my self happy. since I left (3 years ago on my birthday!!) I and my son along with still my step kids have been VERY happy. My son could sense my unhappiness and acted out b/c of it since I left and got happy..well he is a different child,a goofy happy child, and I am sure I made the right choice. as for my ex's kids, I met them when they were 9 years old....they are now 19! and we are closer than ever, I love all my kids to death, and being happy I can really show it...w/o meds!

I was in a bad marriage for 13 years. I finally got divorced and then I was able to find happiness again.
It cost me a lot to get divorced but it was the right thing for me to do. I hope you can find the right thing for you and for your children - consider them in all your decisions. If you move out or he moves out try to let the kids maintain their relationship with him. When the fighting stops then everybody will be better off, and he can be a better father and you can be a better mother.

At some point you have to decide what's best for you and your kids. If mom's not happy ain't nobody happy. Sounds like you haven't been happy for a long time.
I have been there done that and my ex started cheating because he wanted more than what he was getting too. Get out before you both get to that point. I have been remarried to the most perfect husband on the planet for almost 10 years now and my ex-remarried and is getting another divorce. There is someone out there for you that will make this life on earth enjoyable and tolerable. The one your with just isn't doing the job.
Ultimately, I had to do what was going to be right for my kids future even though it meant getting away from their father.
You don't want your kids growing up thinking that this is what marriage is supposed to be like. If you don't do something now you are just going to keep the cycle going and they will end up in unhappy marriages as well.
Good luck and hang tough. Counseling is a great help, just to have someone to talk to that isn't judging you is such a load off of your back.
Make sure you get some recommendations on good Christian counselors, not someone who's just going to throw medication at you. You don't want your kids seeing you having to medicate yourself just to cope with life, there again you would create in them something you don't want them to be.

A.,

Let me start by saying that I know you love you husband and you love your children, but how do you feel about yourself? We'll settle for anything when we feel like we're undeserving of the best. You're going through a form of low self esteem which could lead to depression. You've allowed yourself to love everyone but you. And you most likely have lost your identity in pleasing your husband. That's natural when you love someone but you have to continue to be you. Do you find yourself doing things you don't want to do because it's what he wants? How often do you do things that A. wants? How often does he do things to make you happy? What kind of person were you before you met him? (if you remember) Think about what you want from your husband and tell him. (You've probably done that) Ask him how he feels about you. Then ask him what that means. Then tell him how you feel & what that means. I find that complete communication is the key. Just the fact that you're acknowledging that your relationship may not have been healthy from the start is a good step. You may just need some time apart.

As far are the children go you need to remember that it's easier for them to do as we do and not as we say. They can feel the vibe that you and your husband are displaying to one another. The last thing you want is for your kids to be in unhealthy relationship as adults. Believe it or not but when you hurt they hurt too. They just express it differently. These are their crys for help. Talk to them.

I'm not a licensed counselor but I've been where you are and this has a lot to do with how you feel about YOU. If you need to talk let me know. Good luck.

hello A. my names T. and i can relate , the best advice i can give you is to get you and your family into a church. and just start going everytime the doors are open and start praying to the lord. and talk to a church counslor. theyll be happy to help. thats what i started doing when i was going through some family problems. and he really helped , i started going back to church and took my kids, then shortly my husband started going to and just 2 weeks ago he redeacated his life back to the lord. im not saying all your problems will go away but youll be able to handle things alot easier becouse the lord will be with you and give you a piece of mind and a piece in your heart . it will get better. hope this helps . godbless. smiles

there is a book called Love and Respect. I don't remember who it is by, but it can be found in a Christian book store. It is awesome. It talks about getting out of the constant circle and others things. please give it a try

I do not have any advice but i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have been married for 10 years and together for 15 years. I can say I really only have had a happy marriage for 6 months. It went down hill when I got pregnant and it has been bad ever since. We have a 8 year little boy and he hates when we fight which is all the time. I have finally decided to leave him but that will not be for another couple of years since I am finishing my education so I can get a better job at company i work for and stand on my two own feet. Just remember as bad as it is take care of yourself so you can take care of your children.

M.

In my early 20s I was married to a guy who teased, picked and talked baby-talk to me all of the time. He wasn't abusive, but I couldn't have an intelligent conversation with him either. It got old fast, and unfortunately, our marriage ended. Communication is so important for women and for a marriage. You really have to be friends and allies.

Since you have children, I suggest that you go to counseling to try to save this marriage before giving up. Having an unbiased third party can make all the difference in the world. Good luck.

Hello A....my heart goes out to you. I think the question you need to ask yourself is...How much am I worth? Sometimes a relationship like yours is said as convenient. You work from home right...have you ever considered going out and getting a job where you interact with other people. I too was in a relationship like that. I didn't feel good because I had no time to myself and was raising my daughter. We need that social interaction as well. When my husband came home I was a sour grape because I was home all day...and guess what I had no one else to take my anger out on. It didn't help that he didn't care either. Have you tried counseling yet? It may help to take a communications class. You will realize that everyday things that you say can have an impact on your relationship as well. You could also be going through a depression and don't realize it honey. Try talking to someone and asking questions so you can get answers and make decisions. Good Luck and feel free to contact me if you need anything.

I wouldn't jump the gun to divorce so fast, as some moms are suggesting. Have you tried counseling? I know men are generally opposed to therapy, but approach him in a way that suggest you don't feel like you're communicating in a kind and loving way, and maybe you could both use some help in this area. Let him know you can tell he's unhappy with the fighting, and so are you. If you really want to save your marriage and you can explain that to him in a way that doesn't feel like blame for him, maybe he'll agree to talk to a marriage counselor. In the meantime, I STRONGLY suggest that you go to the bookstore or library and get yourself a copy of RELATIONSHIP RESCUE By Dr. Phil Mcgraw...it's full of good common-sense advice. Best of luck to you and your family!

A. I HOPE THIS LETTER FINDS YOU IN THE BEST OF HEALTH WEATH AND PROSPERITY. A. LET TELL YOU HONEY, THE FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANAT STEP YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE IN THE RECOVERY OF THIS MARRIAGE IS TO FIND OUT WHAT IS YOUR PART IN THIS WHOLE MATTER. YOU'LL BE SURPRISED TO KNOW HOW MUCH HEALING A MARRIAGE CAN GET IF JUST ONE OF THE PARTYS IN THE MARRIAGE DECIDEDS TO GROW UP ADMIT TO THERE SHORT COMINGS. I'D LIKE TO BE ABLE TO SHARE AS MUCH AS I POSSIBLY CAN TO HELP BRING HEALING TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP, HOWEVER YOU HAVE GOT TO MBE OPEN TO LOOK AT THE MAN IN THE MIRRIOR. MANY TIMES WHRN WE ARE MADE AT OUR MAN, IT CAN BE TRACED BACK TO THE ANGER WE HAD WITH OUR FATHERS, AND ALSO THE ANGER WE EXPERIENCED IN FORMER RELATIONSHIPS, OUR HUSNADS HAS TO SUFFER THE BACLASH OF WHAT OTHERS TOOK US THROUGH. LET ME TELL TOU THE MATURE YOUR HUSABAND LACKS. HOW TO RELATE TO A WOMAN THAT IS MADE MOST OF THE TIME AND HE DON'T KNOW WHAT HE DID. SO THEY TEND TO GIVE UP HOPE OF EVER TRYING TO UNDERSTAND BECASUE IT BECOME SUCHA CHOAR. THIS MAN IS YOUR HUSBAND, NOT YOUR OLD MAN , NOT YOUR DADDY, NOT YOUR SON'S DADDY, HE IS YOUR HUSBAND , THE ON E YOU SAID, BETR OR WORST, SICKNESS, AND IN DEATH, RICHER OR POOER, TIL DEATH DO MUS PART, NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG, HE HAS HANG UPS TOO, BUT WE ARE GETTING TO THE ROOT OF YOURS FIRST. CHANGE THE WAYB YOU LOOKAT HIM AND YOU SEE HIM A NEWW KIND OF LIGHT. FIND ALL THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT HIM AND FOCUS THEM. DOES HE WORK, IS HE FAITHFUL. DOES HE SPEND TIME WITH THE KIDS, FIND ALL THE GOOD STUFF ABOUT HIM AND FOCUS ON THE. LISTEN, THE KIND OF HELP YOU NEED I BELIEVE I CAN GIVE, BUT,,,,,,,,,, I COULDN'T EVEN BEGAN TO SHARE IT ALL IN ONE SESSION. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN HEARING THE REST OF MY RESOLVE JUST WRITE BACK, I'LL CONTINUE TO SHARE, EVEN OPENLY, BECAUSE I BELIEVE THERE ARE OTHERS THAT NEED THIS IMFORMATION AS WELL. THEY TOO NEED KNOW THAT THEY CAN LOVE AGAIN IN THEIR MARRIAGES, IF THEY CAN JUST GET PASS YESTERDY. WHAT DADDY DID, WHAT BOYFRIEND DID, WHAT UNCLE DID, OR WHAT EVER MALE IT WAS, BECUASE IT SURE ENOUGH WASN'T A MAN. A REAL MAN KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE A WOMAN, RATHER IT BE THEIR MOTHER, SISTER, OR THEIR WIFE, UNTIE SCHOOL TEACHER, WHOEVER, HE KNOWS HIS BOUNDRIES, AND WHEN WE COME INTO MRELATIONSHIP WITH OUR HUSBANDS, WE HAVE DEALT WITH MEN THAT CROSS BOUNDRES.

I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU AND WRITE AGAIN IN RESPOND
P.