Disciplining a child......Help Pleaseeeeeeee

It sounds like you and your husband may agree on how to discipline, but now how to carry it out. The best thing to do when the other parent starts to discipline for whatever reason is to sit back and let the other parent handle it. If back-up is needed, the parent sitting back needs to wait for the parent who's handling it to ask for help. As soon as you begin to handle a situation, if you're the first one to step in, let your husband know that you're handling it and if you need help/support/back-up then you'll ask for it. Same should go for him as well. If he's the one who initiated the discipline for a particular incident, you do the same.

It's GOOD that he wants to back you up. He's just jumping in too soon. A good time for him to pipe in would be when your son turns to Dad and says "But DAD! Mommy is being mean!" or you actually say "I need some help here."

My DH also tried to over talk me when I also would discipline our children. He thought he was helping by enforcing what I was saying to the children. I use to tell him to stop...argued w/him and then finally told him when I need his help I will ask him. If not, keep your mouth shut. This took awhile to get across to him. I let the kids run wild for a time, telling him, I can't stop them they don't listen since you talk over me when I'm trying to discipline. This would make him upset!! Or I would on purpose send the kids to him when he was doing something...HEHEHE...after doing this for awhile he got the point. Now he waits for his que when I need him I loudly say "DAD...the kids usually know...."

J.,

Flattery will get you everywhere. Explain to your husband how much you value his support, but you really need to build an authority figure relationship with your son. Point out how well your son responds to discipline from Dad, and how important it is that you work on getting the same thing from him. Let your husband know that you really need his help with this, and that he can do that best by letting you and your son work it out. Of course you want him to support your decisions if your son tries to play one against the other, and if your son looks to Dad for confirmation of what you say, how great it would be if he would say "Do what your Mother said" to reinforce your authority.

Of course it's a bunch of hooey. I know that and you know that. You just need to frame the situation in a way that has your husband doing what you want him to do without treading on ego. Good luck!

Your husband is doing more damage by butting in while your trying to set some ground rules. Kids need bounderies . Did you do the same thing to your husband when he tried to discipline your other children from another marriage..tit for tat is what might be going on. If not then maybe counseling will help. Sometimes when there's a 3rd party involved it helps us see our faults and those who are doing the damage don't seem to be as defensive. Good luck.

It's great your husband wants to back you up.. the BEST way he can do this is to not interfer when you are disciplining your 2 yr old. The child will get to understand that you have no power or control over him because daddy jumps in. This has been the case with my middle (soon to be 4) yr old daughter and my husband and I. It's taken a LOT of HARD work for her to just to START not using me as a welcome mat. I really liked the suggested the other mom had about how to build up your husbands ego about how the 2 yr old is with him and that you want to be able to have that with him too.

You and your husband should have a talk, alone, about how you're going to handle these situations in advance. My husband and I have different styles of discipline but, we do respect each other and stay back when one of us is in action. Unless, I'm asked to interject and vice versa.

It's really important for your child to see that type of behavior from you two. It teaches children how to act outside of the home also.

If I don't agree with what my husband is doing I wait to talk to him afterwards and explaine why. Print out some research about on different strategies and how parents can team up. This way your hubby doesn't think you're talking out your butt.

Try talking with your husband about finding away to get your son to listen too you. He two years old and he understands what he doing,You want to control this behavior before he get into school or school willl be calling you everyday. My son was acting out when he was two years old because his father and I were separated and he would play against me and listen to dad so they way I handle I talk to my son father and we work on a routine of sitting him in time out and taking thing from like his toys and not watching tv and that work. As long both parents are following the same routine you will be able to gain the respect from you son as he give his father.
I work with children if you need and more help contact me.

J.

He should back you up but he needs to realize how hes doing it. If he does what you are saying youre right your child will learn to respect him n not you. Your child needs to see that you are both the boss. He needs to jump in when you ask for his help not as if he was controlling over you too.

I am with you, girl. It sounds just like our house. I am home all day diciplining two kids then dad comes home and thinks he's got a better idea......Tell him if he has an issue with your "method" that is something you can discuss away from your son but let you finish what you started and discuss it later. When you have a set plan you both can agree on, both of you sit down with your son and let him know what the consequences will be for not listening with the understanding that either parent will give the same punishment(timeouts or whatever). Don't waiver. I know I let mre stuff slide than dad because my son would live in timeout if I busted him for every infraction. Everyone thinks they can do a better job but we know the truth......One day in our shoes.....

J., you are right to want your husband not to take over. Your child will not listen to you when he is around. And the fact that he gets upset that you ask him to stop makes me think your hubby does have issues on this. To back you up means to let you discipline your child and after you are done, let your hubby reinforce what you said. Maybe you can explain the difference to him. Dont talk about this in front of your child though. And maybe choose a time when both of you are calm to explain the difference to him and not right at the point when your child just needed the discipline. Hope this helps.

First I would talk to him about it only after the child is not there. This isn't a conversation to have infront of your son, because he needs to see you as a united front in the discipline area. However, once "junior" is in bed, explain to your husband that you appreciate his support but you need to be able to discipline your son too. All he really needs to say in times like this is " Listen to you Mother." or something like that. Because he steps in, when your hubby isn't there your son doesn't take your discipline seriously. And won't listen to you. Don't make him feel that his efferts are wrong, but maybe misdirected. And you understand what he is trying to do, but it makes you feel that he is trying to take over the situation rather then back you up.

Hi J.,
You really need to tell him to cut it out-undermining you in front of your children will do more than just make them not respect you it can lead to them not respecting women in general. Sit him down and tell him that it bothers you when he jumps in when you have the situation under controll. Make sure to stay calm the second you blow up and loose composure he will feel justified in his actions (trust me on this one). If after telling him it bothers you he continues to do this tell him (even if its infront of your kids) "I have this under controll but thank you for wanting to help." It will hopefully difuse the situation and show your children that you are an authority in the home as well not just dad.

I really hope this will help you,
K.

It is incredibly confusing to do that to a child. Even though it seems your husband is well intentioned, he's only going to cause confusion in your child, and worse, he's going to teach the child that it is HE and HE ONLY that your child needs to pay heed to. You MUST stress to your husband, in a heart-to-heart talk, that it is imperiaive that when YOU are disciplining that he step back (UNLESS you ask for assistance or backup) and the SAME goes for you. I am so bossy, I have to force myself to step back and not discipline my 2 year old daughter when it involves her and her father, because I am so afraid of that very thing happening, that she'll walk all over her father. He's very quiet and we do things differently, and I think he allows her too much before he tells her to stop. I have told him this a number of times but he still allows a lot more than I would. Still, I know to teach her to respect him I must show him respect. I can't tell her to respect him yet show her that I do NOT respect him, that's a double standard. I know if I step in, she'll think only when I barge in does she have to treat her Daddy nicely. I take him aside privately and tell him DON'T LET HER DO THAT TO YOU! But I NEVER tell him that in FRONT of her! If your husband thinks you're being a pushover, instead of stepping in, which makes things worse, he should take you aside after the event, privately, and you can discuss what you think you should have done differently, if anything. That's the RIGHT way to do it ! ")