Disciplining Almost 1 Year Old

Hi! K.,

As a mom and grandma and rather old school, I would tell her that she must be done eating and remove her from her chair. 10 or 15 mins. later I would try her again. She sounds like a pretty smart cookie and she will soon learn. By learn, I am talking about a week (it might not take that long). The toy on the wall thing, I would take it away the very first time or move the changing table away from the wall until she is older. Instead of taking the item away that she shouldn't be chewing on, I would move her to a different area where there is something that she is interested in and then when she is distracted remove the item. At her age there really should not be anything in her area of play that she can't chew on, except maybe the cat or dog and then it all depends on the animal's atitude in the matter.

Lighten up mom, that's just what they do. Mostly, you don't want to get upset by these kinds of things, just take it in stride. Sometimes she will have to suffer the consequences of her actions (having something taken away) but keep it all positive and happy.

Try counting to 3 and count really loud and when you get to 3 then you make a mean face and take her away from what ever she is into.
C.

Hi K., i just had to write to you when i read your question. I have a 13 year old daughter....who it seems was just a little baby in my arms yesterday. I cant tell you how quickly they really do grow up, so you MUST enjoy this time with your little baby girl. When i say enjoy, i really mean it......you dont need to 'dicipline' her the way you are trying to. She is not even one year old yet, she does not understand. You are right when you say she is trying to test you sometimes...but what you have that she doesnt, is the ability to make her think she is winning a battle, but still doing what you want. You are so LUCKY to have a "high-spirited" little girl...you want her to STAY that way, to become a confident, strong, and happy woman one day. Dont try to break that spirit...let it bloom, and still get her to do things your way. How??? I will tell you....just trick her by playing with her. Think of everytime she trys to test you as "game time" not punish time. It is the 'time' for you, Mommy, to be creative. It sounds like she loves to play and laugh, so this is how you get her to do what you want, and make it fun for both of you. When she is on the changing table and runs the toy on the wall...just take the toy, or a different one, and pretend that she is a little highway...you start playing with the toy too! Take it and make little sounds as it runs up her little arms and belly, tickle her a little, be silly with her, laugh with her. Then when she is laughing and being distracted, you can get back to finishing the diapering. I also always used to keep a bottle of bubbles next to the changing table (my daughter hated lying down to be changed). So i used to say "lets go blow some bubbles now on the changing table"..and we would both crawl there together. I would kiss her little belly, and neck, and make it a very positive experience. You will be amazed at how this works. Also, magic for babies is singing. Whenever they are crying,just start singing. Babies love the sound of their mommies voices...i sang Old Macdonald A LOT!!! With lots of animal sounds....try it, it is so much more fun for you too. When she pushes her food off the high chair, she is probably done eating. Be mindful of how long you are leaving her in the chair. A baby so young does not like to sit there for very long. You can also take the tray off, and feed her the food yourself...and make that a game too. Remember the word dicipline comes from the word 'deciple' which means to teach. So just think of teaching her, not going to battle with her, you will both feel so much better. I used to go to a mommy and me class with my daughter, and i learned very early, to save the word 'NO' for only DANGEROUS occasions. Only use the word NO if she can really hurt herself (touching the stove, holding a knife, running into the street) then you say it firmly, and loudly. Those are the times you want her to really hear the "NO" and understand what it means...it will have much more impact. If you dont want her to put a toy into her mouth because she may choke on it...just say "we dont put toys in mouth" then gently take her hand away from her mouth. So you are still telling her it is not ok, but you are not 'burning out' the word NO. Then if she does it again, do the same thing but make it a fun game..."we only put food in mouth, not our toys silly girl", and if you do have to take it away, just explain that you have to take it away if she is going to put it in her mouth. It is ok to let her cry.......distract her. Sing, take her in your arms, and walk outside (the fresh air works wonders) and say "oh, look, there is a birdie in that tree!!!" She wont remember any toy anymore, it will be over. We just need to be creative in our parenting..and have FUN with it! I have to be much more creative now...with a teenager....i wish i could just sing a song or play music for her, and end a disagreement. Enjoy your baby, laugh with her, you are so much smarter than her. Let her think she is winning some battles...they have to do everything we want, you will have a happier, friendlier, better adjusted little girl if you let her win more. She will be confident, and giving as she grows older, instead of being 'broken' down, and taking it out on other children in school. I think the bullys, and bratty girls in school are the ones who didnt get to ever win at home. If it isnt going to hurt her, or someone else, let her do it her way sometimes...or make her think she is. Tell your husband you want him to do this with you, make a situation which could make everyone feel bad, into a fun challenge. I think he will like that approach also, as men usually love to play games. So, good luck,have fun, be creative....try it, i think you will feel better too once you get her to do it your way by making her laugh, and have a good time. She will want to please you, and have MORE fun.

Hi, I am a mother of 3 and one more on the way. What you are describing is perfectly normal behavior for a one year old. Discipling at this early age is more of redirecting and preventing on the parents part.A 1year old does not have the brain capability to grasp right & wrong but more of a cause and effect. This is how they learn. If I rub my toy across the wall then I get instant attention from my mom, the greatest most important person in my life! Redirect and show her the correct way that you want her to play with her toys. Do not just take it away. She isn't going to learn anything by that. She needs to learn the correct way first. And it is going to take many, many times on your part of showing her how. So be patient. It does not get any easier. She is just starting to learn. As for messing the food on the high chair, its more of learning and exploring on her own. If you don't want a mess, then feed her yourself, but it is a progression of stages before she will be sitting at a table with fork and napkin in lap. Enjoy these messy times and have fun with it. She is not trying to defy you. They grow so fast!

I hope that you don't take this advice as an insult, but you've clearly no understanding of child development. Your "high-spirited" daughter is perfectly normal in discovering what is called "cause & effect" It is not only not necessary but impossible to teach a 1 year old "discipline". The sound that is created when she moves a toy along a wall is an experience in learning and discovery for her. The more you "discipline" her for that behavior, the less she will attempt it and you risk created a very withdrawn, low-self-esteem little girl. Please please please educate yourself about her normal development. I agree that it can be frustrating especially as a first time mom, and ever more so if you don't understand why she's doing the behaviors. Try to give her a few pieces of food in a cup with another empty cup. Let her first words be positive, like I love you mommy, instead of NO Mommy! Show her how to put a piece of the food from one cup into the other. She will want to mimic the behavior. The best thing you can do is teach her what she CAN do, not what she can't. I 1 yr old is not capable of manipulation. Try distracting her with a safe toy to chew and baby proof so she can't access things she shouldn't have. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in this trying time.I strongly recommend a parenting class so that you can learn how to handle what is to come without making huge mistakes with you precious little one.

I am a mother of 2 sons, 25 and 19. The eldest is a first grade teacher, and has had extensive expirience with the University of Michigan's early childhood development program. I have often asked him about how they discipline such young children effectively. He said that you have to remember that they look for you to guide them, not scold them. Think about how you look when you are "disciplining", what seems to be perfectly normal behavior by the way. They are engaging in a discovery process and they're just having fun, completeing oblivious to the fact that it may be annoying, wasteful, or dangerous. That's when you step in, remove the the toy, and say to her, what you're doing with that toy is dangerous and mommy needs you to be safe. At that point show her the appropriate behavior with the toy, how she can have fun with it, sit down and enjoy the toy with her, or replace it and put the toy away for a couple of months. It is important for you to explain in very simple term to her your actions, and get down so that you are looking at her eye to eye, in a non-threatening manner and speak calmly. As far as the food thing goes, when they toss it around like that, it's time to take her out of the high chair, and tell her, the next time you're done eating, tell mommy and I will lift you out of the chair. I have taken care of quite a few children in my lifetime, and I don't know a one that didn't play with their food, especially at her age. It sounds that your baby has wonderful spirit, you have been blessed. Your time with your child passes quickly and you should be enjoying it, you need to mellow out so you can ejoy it.

i think it is really important to look at your child's age and developemental appropriateness with discipline, and perhaps do a little reading. the important thing you have to remember is that discipline has purpose, it's not just about showing the child who is in control (ie- you and your husband) discipline is about setting boundaries around safe and appropriate behavior- and teaching the child what is safe and appropriate. i thought when i read your example that you were going to say that she dropped food off the high chair- not just that she plays and scatters things. children this age are exploring and need room to do that- ie- moving food around on the tray- is that really a behavior problem or an adult control issue? also, it is appropriate to give the child something to replace what you take away- especially if you took it away for safety- you have to teach her what to do, and what is ok to play with- not just take things away and expect her to know- she is only one.

Hi Mom,

Can't believe you are worrying about a baby less than a year old. Give me a break!!!!!!!!! You should be happy and feel blessed that your daughter is healthy and above all normal. How silly to ask how to discipline a baby. Looks like Mom and Daddy need a book on how to raise an infant.

A little about me:
68 year old mother of 6 sons and grandma and great-grandma of 25 grandchldren.

Congratulations on your precious girl! I have two of my own (6 and 3) so I know what a tremendous joy girls can be.

Your daughter is awfully young still - it's not possible (IMO) to really discipline a baby. They have zero impulse control! That said, there are certainly things you can do now to lay the groundwork for future cooperation. At this age, your daughter understands some of what you say. I found a great way to instill in my girls the proper way to behave was to give them instructive directions. For example, instead of saying "don't scatter your food everywhere" say "food stays on your tray, honey." This way she has a clear understanding of what you expect. But also keep in mind that she is fascinated with all the wonderful sights, textures and tastes that go along with eating. Let her enjoy her meals. If she's still doing it at 18 months, then you can start to be a little more firm about not letting her misuse her food.

Since you say your daughter is "high spirited," try to remember that when you are interacting with her. Too many parents try to crush that spirit by coming down too hard with rigid rules. Don't fall into that trap. Embrace her spirited personality for all the happy, joyous times it will bring to both of you, and save the rigid rules for matters of safety.

Good luck!

P.S. I see no problem whatsoever with giving your daughter a replacement toy to chew on - she's probably teething after all! :-)

K.,

I just wanted to give you a few points that came to mind as I read your request.

I recommend that you and your husband take a parenting class through your local adult education or ask around. If you are not into classes, I recommend reading a book or two on the different stages that children go through.

Your daughter is not testing you, she wants to play. Everything about her world right now is in exploring and playing.

One tried and true practice that I have used over the last 18 years is choices, choices, choices. You have already seen what saying no does. Instead pick two toys that she can play with and tell her why you need to take away what she has ie: safety, not hers,... Then say that she can play with one toy or the other and let her choose. Do not give her both. She will learn that her world is about choices and not about no's.

At this age I don't think that she is trying to get her way. There will be many years of discipline ahead. Don't start too early and create problems that are not needed.

Relax and enjoy your baby,

Evelyn

Let her do what she is supposed to do. POSITIVE RE-ENFORCEMENT is what she needs at this young age. I have 3 children ages 16, 13 and 16 months. The older two were allowed to explore and they turned out beautifully. Exploring their sense of touch, taste, sounds and ESPECIALLY cause and effect (if I smear the food this happens, if I rub the toy on the wall it sounds like this) is soooo important for discovery. To not let her explore with some positive reinforcement is not healthy. Relax and let her explore this wonderful new world she has come into. As far as my thoughts, try smearing your food (especially mashed potatoes) with an open mind. It feels pretty neat if you do not think of it as wrong... With an open mind you may understand her actions a little better. Please do not make these positive monumental milestones a negative. In the blink of an eye she will be 16! Trust me, I know. ; )

Oh honey... she's 1. My girls, now 8 and 6 did that too as well as every healthy headstrong 1 year old. I absolutely agree with substituting an appropriate item for one she should not have. Just don't wait until the tantrum stage to do the switch. If she has a bead or penny in her mouth, without making a big deal out of it, remove it from her mouth while handing her a book or bright toy. It's a distraction and positive reinforcement, not a reward for bad behavior.

She is a curious creature who will be throwing her food on the floor for the time being. It's fun to hear the plate go *PTANG* and watch you pick it up. Just say no to let her know it's not ok then go to zone defense and try to grab the plate before it leaves the tray. Or get one with a suction cup on the bottom.

Now my daughters ask to be excused, say please and thank you and clear the table (most of the time) without being asked so don't worry, she will grow out of it. Get a hand held vac, a lot of sponges and enjoy this challenging stage. It won't last long.

Having raised 5 kids, I want to first tell you that I am so proud of you and your husband for deciding early on what will and will not be acceptable behavior. So many parents wait until their kids are 2 or 3, or 5 or 15, and then cant figure out what went wrong. And it is important to realize that at that young of an age, they are not trying to do what's "bad" they are trying to learn. And your guiding will teach them acceptable or not acceptable behavior. Three of my five were strong willed and high-spirited and guiding that energy will be very helpful. But keep in mind at 1, some of it is testing, but a lot of it is normal curious or even natural behavior. Like chewing on things. Babies put everything to their mouths. It's their second source of obtaining information. First is touch. Is it hot or painful? Is it soft, or safe or gentle? Second is taste and mouthfeel. It's a way of getting information, it is a sensory tool, like another set of hands or ears. It is their most natural human instinct since they have been discovering tastes since the day they were born, even before they could touch or process that feeling. So do try to offer a replacement toy. You aren't rewarding bad behavior, you are teaching them it is good to substitute and to be open to not having it their way, or no way. Your little one is going to have to learn what is good to chew on, what is okay although not ideal, and what is not okay to chew on. That keeps them open to your guidance and trusting it, not getting frustrated with you because you took it away and they don't have the ability to understand why yet. But when you take it, gently talk to them. Tell them you have to give them something safe to chew on. In the next few months, she'll be able to realize it will be taken away if she chews on it, and you can tell her "either don't chew on this toy, just play with your hands, or mommy/daddy will have to give you something else." Once her active choice comes into play, you'll be able to use that tool to motivate her as she grows.

Your daughter sounds like a typical baby under the age of 1. At this age I don't believe you need to discipline behavior such as playing with her food while in her high-chair or rubbing a toy on a wall while being changed. All babies behave this way at this age. She is simply playing and exploring the world around her through touch. She is also likely teething, and it is only natural she will want to chew on something to soothe her gums, but also as another way to explore things. I would instead use the times that she is having her diaper changed and eating to really interact with her and play with her. You don't want to take away the things that make being a baby such a wonderful time and create a baby who is afraid to explore the world around her because she may be disciplined. Just create an environment that she can safely explore. Keep things you really don't want her placing in her mouth out of her reach. I hope this helps. -jess

I have four children. I worked and was much easier on my first two children in the discipline arena. I have not worked and am much more consistent with discipline with my second two. I don't know how it will be later in life...but my second two are much better behaved than my first two were at that age. I would highly reccommend being firm, consistent and predictiable with your discipline.

I totally understand your battle with wanting to discipline your child early, but some things are just the stuff she is going through to learn right now being so young. I have a 3 year old and a 6 month old, and the whole food thing is just her exploring her food and yes kids are messy eaters, if you can learn to just let them explore and get messy, hopefully they will be open th more types of food. But I always had the rule of the second they started throwing food off their tray and onto the floor, then they were done! The chewing on the toys, I think it is a good idea to let her know what she is allowed to chew on and take away the things she should not chew on, but she doesn't have all her teeth yet probablly so chewing is essental. You have to pick your battles, how will this effect the big picture....will anyone get hurt or broken, if not sometimes you have to just give in! Believe me you will have bigger battles coming ou way!

My daughter is the same age as yours and does the same things. Sometimes I have to hold her down and turn her back to finish changing her diaper. I've found that she is actually very interested in her diapers and she seems pretty happy playing with one while I change her with another. I've read that babies at about one year old and older like to get their fingers and hands in the food so her behavior at the high chair is completely normal. What I do is let her have her own spoon and dip it in the jar while I feed her with another spoon. Food does go flying but I expect this. I do not discipline her for playing with her food. My daughter also likes to put everything in her mouth and I do the switch thing as well. She definitely cries more with me when she does not get her way than with her father and teenage brother. Children will always try to get away with more with their mothers than their fathers becuase of the differences in the tone of the voice. It sounds to me like your daughter is acting every bit her age.

I agree with whoever suggested taking a parenting class - particularly one that teaches positive discipline. Positive discipline is about consistency and boundaries in a way that sets your child up for success, not failure (ie. learning what is developmentally appropriate for their age and managing your expectations around that). They use things like "time-ins" instead of "time outs" which help children process their emotions and learn why their behavior was inappropriate instead of feeling like mommy and daddy are taking their love away. It's a paradigm shift because most of us were not parented this way when we were growing up. I HIGHLY recommend "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Faber/Mazlish. It's an easy read and I think should be required for all parents! I think there's a book called "Positive Discipline 0-3" or something like that (I need to get it myself) that helps with understanding age appropriate boundaries. Remember - your little girl is a baby and you cannot have adult expectations for her. good luck.

When my first had his 1 year check-up with his pediatrician, she told us we could start using time-outs, 1 minute for each year. She said to tell him he's having a time-out, sit him in your lap & gently hold his arms down. Some people thought it was way to early or that we were too strict starting at 1 but it was the BEST advice. He didn't understand at first but it only took a couple weeks before he did understand. I think your smart too set clear boundaries early.

We've continued with the TOs, as needed adding a minute for each birthday - he's now 3 1/2 & it has worked great! Of course, we don't hold him anymore - he stands in the TO corner by himself. Sometimes we have to 2 TOs in a row but if you stay calm & patient & consistent - it works. We always tell him why he's having the TO (since he's older now)and after he's done re-iterate the lesson, he says he's sorry & then we hug. At this point, the threat of a TO & counting to 3 usually stops the bad behavior but sometimes he needs a few minutes in the corner to calm down.

I don't think there's anything wrong w/replacing the toy. I would just tell her this one is "not okay" or "dangerous" and then tell her "this one is okay" while handing her the new toy. I don't think she's getting her way, your just re-directing her. Re-directing them works great, too!

Hope this helps! -M.

There is a great book called How to Hug A Porcupine by Dr. John Lewis Lund that I just love.

He talks about rejection messages vs acceptance messages and how they work in the dynamics of building people. Rejection messages tend to only acknowledge our reality of things and are reactions rather than thoughtful, win-win responses. Thoughtful, win-win responses take more self discipline to do, yet our kids learn them when we use them and they grow up to be thoughtful, considerate people because of it.

There also is a book called something like How to Talk so your kid will listen and listen so your kid will talk that is great too.

kids will be kids! but, like you i do believe in disciplining kids early. the only problem is, its not the same for everybody. i think you are doing great. and i agree with you with regards to not giving her anything after taking something away. she needs to learn that you are serious and means business. they understand, they know and knows how to push the right buttons! the kids way!!! good luck!!!

Discipline is a tough subject, especially when you're not too familiar with it. However being very familiar with the discipline I grew up with isn't very helpful either. I grew up in house that spanked, and I have no intention of using that same method because I believe violence is not the answer. There are some cases where I have spanked, but only when severe danger was an issue. The point being you have to do what you feel is right, and by you I mean you and your spouse as a collective. The number one piece of advice I can give is choose your battles and stand your ground. For instance the messy highchair event may not really be something you need to fight over, right now she is experimenting and will grow out of it (I promise)! I could show you pictures of my messy eater, but now at 20 months she uses a napkin! Patience it will get better. She perceives "no" as something to mock, stick to your guns, when you tell her "no" you need to mean it and enforce it immediately. For instance at the changing table after you have told her "no" and she still does it you could try several options. One, after one warning take away the toy and explain to her why you did that. Two, remove the option to have a toy at the changing table. Three, give her a toy you wouldn't mind her touching the wall with, like a stuffed animal. Finally the chewing or teething issue you are encountering is totally natural, she wants to put things in her mouth to sooth her gums as well as to "experience" the object in question. Remove the object you don't want her to chew on and replace it with something safe. Be prepared to trade, and if a tantrum occurs explain to her why you took the item away. Do not appear to cave into a tantrum, never! If you want to give her a replacement item do it prior to the wind up of the tantrum or after you get her to calm down. If you appear to give in you reinforce that she will get her way when she throws a tantrum. Best of luck on raising your wonderful daughter, I hope this will be helpful!

Hi there,
A short but fantastic book about discipline (with a very moderate and mellow approach) is called "Love and LOgic: Magic for Early Childhood." The basic approach is to first stay calm at all times (which is of course impossible but we all try). Next is 'actions speak louder than words'. For example, the food issue: If she sweeps the food off the tray, don't say a word- just remove her from the table. Dinner is over for her. You don't get mad or lecture. You just return to eating while she sits on the floor and is sad. She won't starve but she will learn. 1-yr.olds are very smart and she will quickly learn that sweeping food is no longer fun, especially when she doesn't get your attention any more. The book is full of helpful solutions. I have 2 boys, ages 3 and 1, plus I was a teacher in my pre-mommy years. I've used this method in the class and with both my boys and it has helped a lot.

I agree with the people who are telling you that your child is not trying to challenge you - she is exploring her surroundings and wants to see "what will happen if I do this?" I do not suggest that you should allow her to do things that are not safe or that damage property, but allowing her to learn about the things around her only increases her brain development and leads to a healthy child. I would also suggest the "We don't put this in our mouth, but this is okay" and the food on the tray thing is NOT a power struggle - she's just learning about food.

I like the "Baby Whisperer" books. She is serious about respecting your child, and understands developmentally appropriate behavior. She also explains different techniques for different behavior types ("high spirited", etc) and has a firm belief that we should not let our child run the house - but instead show the child that the home works one way and they need to assimilate to make things work.

I am sure you're doing a fine job raising your daughter, but realize that these are developmentally appropriate behaviors for the age, and that you don't necessarily need to "break out the whip", so to speak. Good luck.

IMHO, she's too young to understand warnings, and at this stage, the less you limit her world, the better.

I tried a few tactics with throwing food, and what worked best for me was just ignoring it - my reaction was half the appeal.

At her age, swapping an inappropriate toy or teether with a better one is exactly the right thing to do.

As to 'light swats' and spanking... studies have shown consistently that hitting our kids, no matter how good your intentions, just teaches them that it's OK to hit people. At best, you're accomplishing nothing. If it works at all, it's because you're scaring them into behaving, when you really want them to learn to cooperate because it's the right thing to do.

Enjoy this age!! It's fun. If something is bugging you, try a replacement toy or something. Your child wants to enjoy you and is playing with you. Save major discipline for later when she can better understand it. Have fun and enjoy 1!

Take a deep breath K., you have a long road ahead and if you lose you sense of humor now you'll be in big trouble later. Your child is 1. Just enjoy and laugh and help her learn without you showing too much disappointment in her behavior. She is a tiny young gift that needs your patience. When my youngsters (I have 3)were still in the high chair I would put it out in the back yard for lunch so the clean up was easier and the fresh air was great for them. Children are messy and learning is messy and so is life. "These things happen" is one of my famous mom lines at my house and my children have learned to clean up after themselves as time has allowed them to learn.
From my experience in the classroom as a volunteer and as a tutor some children are afraid to make messes, because they are always in trouble at home when they've had a spill or other type of mess. This keeps them from becoming creative, experimental and more willing to try new things. So ask yourself and your husband what kind of child do you want to nuture? Help your child by being an example of what you'd like her to become. Good Luck! Now go hug your girl and get silly and remember to play! Thats what is truly important.

Ok, what is wrong with her rubbing the toy on the wall when she gets her diaper changed?
Also, is she your first baby? Because everything you have said is totally normal. It is a real drag to clean up those messes she makes when she swipes the food off her tray, I totally agree. I would put a plastic sheet under it. She will grow tired of it after she no longer gets the attention for doing it.
Good luck, this too shall pass.

Almost 1 is very young for discipline. None of those things you describe sound like bad behavior, it sounds like your daughter exploring her capabilities. I have three kids, and I think we have a lot of discipline for our kids, but I don't think we really started until about 18 months. I don't think a less than one year old can have malicious intent. The most important rules of discipline are consistency and clear consequences, but you also have to pick your battles. With kids, there are many times where your wishes are going to clash, and you have to decide what is absolutely unacceptable for you. For example, I really hate whining, so that is something we have really focused on preventing in our kids. However, they have a ton of energy and are always on the move and kind of rambunctious, but it was fighting a losing battle to try to curb that, and kids need to be kids as long as they know certain behavior is appropriate for certain places.

she is only one year old! Mellow!Worry about this when she is in her three's-There are alot of parenting classes and child development classes to teach you the development of a child.

Well that fabulous baby girl will grow up into a spoiled willful big girls if you don't put your foot down. Pick your battles, why fuss about the toy on the wall? What harm is she doing, other than you have decided she shouldn't? Take all the food off of her tray, until she is old enough to use food properly, why have to use discipline there, use you own discression, her hands like to be busy, how about a toy or a spoon? If she is teething, give her an appropriate item, not plastic hopefully, like a cold wet wash cloth or slightly frozen one, they like the cold, or an herbal remedy like Hyland's Teething Tablets. She needs to learn 'no' and taking something inaproprate away is fine. Tell her 'yes' when you replace the item. Remember, you need to run a "tight ship" and you can always loosen up if everything seems to be going correctly. Prepare the envirnment for the student to learn, whatever the lesson. E. H

Hi!
With the toy at the changing table, if the toy is not scratching the wall, let her do it. She is exploring. You could also set the rule where toys are not allowed on the changing table. If the toy is something that helps distract her so you can change her diaper then designate certain toys that she can play with there, that won't scratch your walls.
As for the highchair and the food. That's what kids do. They play with their food. I suggest just making sure she gets enough to eat then let her play. And ignore the scattering of the food. Eventually she will get bored and move on, especially when she sees the you are not playing with her anymore.
Lastly, giving her something to replace the things she is not allowed to have is not "still getting her way". It is saying "you are not allowed to play with this but you are allowed to play with this". All you are doing is redirecting her energy to something else. If she cries, let her, she will get over it. Good Luck.

Dear K. H,

You need to read a few books about babies. For one thing, she is new to this world. You are misreading her actions. Replacing something she shouldn't have with something that she should have is not spoiling her. It is guiding her, and being her Mommy and taking care of her. Your husband needs to read those same books that you read. You guys need to get your minds together, much more is to come. You need each other and the baby needs you both.

When she is rolling the car on the wall, can't you just move the table a bit to get it out of her reach? Maybe not, anyway, take the car or whatever it is away. This is the way one year old babies are - you do not discipline, you redirect their attention. ...and you are consistent. ....and loving, and you do not blame or rant....you read books and learn.

C. N.

Hi Mom of one fabulous daughter,

Your daughter sounds like my son. What I found that really helped is I used to distract him all the time. Instead of making it so confrintational, I would just take him away from the situation or just do something else. For instance when he would chalenge me with a toy that he was chewing on and I didn't want him to chew on it. I would gently say "Hey Patrick how about instead of chewing on that we play in the sink." Most of the time he would forget about the toy and run over to the sink, because he loved it so much. I found with him, it was the way I reacted to him and he would react the same way back so if I made a big deal or even just a firm NO he would chalenge me and sometimes you have lots of patience to distract them and others not so much, but hopefully this will work for you.

D. with one fabulous son who is now 14

K., it will pass as I'm sure you know. Just know that these are learning stages for her though and whatever you do is laying the foundation for her future "disciplining" if you will. Congrats though on your next phase of parenting.

I found that 2 things are key: Consistency and Choices. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page and then stick to it- every single time. When she gets older she will try to find your breaking point- she'll push till she gets it. But show her now (and you as parents) that consistency is key. Don't let her learn your breaking point or learn to get between you two. Stick together on this- start now.

Choices- I have a stong willed daughter to and telling them No all the time just doesn't quite work. Do you like going to a restaurant with a huge menu of choices only to be told your eating a cheese sandwhich? Probably not. Yes, she is way young still. But when you must take away an inapropriate item give her something right away. Tell her this gives "owies", but this one is "nice". She didn't know it was bad for her, just that you took it away from her. She liked it, it felt good on her teething gums.

With the food, tell her/show her at her age level what is expected. "Take bites, good job, wow look at the big girl eating nicely". Avoid all the no's as she needs to know what is right not necessarily what is wrong. Then when it gets too bad then I say "that is not ok". And then show her what to do. If it continues then remove her from the situation. And bring her back w/in a minute. Anything past that has already left her thoughts.

Remember, what works for one won't always for another. Its all trial and error mixed with a whole heck of a lot of patience.
C.

Hi, I think you are doing an awesome job!! Its so great that you are so concerned with the attitude behinde it. But right now in her development she is not quite there in respect to getting what you want. The Best advice I could give you is to be very paitent. Always be consistant but remember....is it something that is going to hurt her or something that you just want the controll of. Most of the things you are talking about are just phases that I PROMISE will change on their own but I know it is frustrating!! specially when its spagetti all over the walls and floor :) but on that just stay with it she will get it and eventually stop. but as far as the toy on the wall....Is it really that big of a deal? Or is it just something that is entertaining her until you are done? My son is 2years old now and I know exactly how you feel I felt the same way. I didnt want him to be so strong willed! well guess what? He is! and I am so glad!!He has a great personality and LOVES TO LAUGH. I do discipline him, But I dont ever want to break his spirit. Dont foget they are learning on a major level right now. Also dont think of it as she is testing you, that makes you feel like you have to win. She is just exploring her own world. Dont worrie she will stop and you will see her change and have other challenges :) Hang in there And God Bless you guys

Personally, I think distraction is the best discipline for a small child. For instance, if my son is playing in the dog's water bowel for the 100th time (I have seriously told him no several times a day for 4 months), then I just take the bowel and put it outside, where he can't get to it. If he's playing with an extension cord, I distract him and show him something else to do. If he is trying to steal my computer mouse........again, I hide it from him, when he mashes up his food on the highchair after I say no, the food and the tray disappear and he's done eating and removed from the table, if he gets hungry-we try again later. I've also learned to pick my battles very wisely. If no one is going to get hurt, if it's not going to ruin anything, and/or it's not anything breakable, etc-I wouldn't put too much emphasis on it because when they are that little, they don't usually stick to whatever they are doing for more than a few minutes anyhow. My 16-month-old has just started pulling my hair and his nieces and saying "Ouch," so I know he knows it hurts and that he's doing it on purpose. When he does that I say no firmly, remove him from all the fun we're having and he has a time out in his crib. My fiance keeps telling him he's going to "go to bed" if he keeps it up. I don't like that punishment because then it's going to make going to bed a power struggle and I've asked him to change his terminology to "time out." It's hard knowing exactly what to do, but if there is consistency and a united front with the parenting, it will all come together before you know it. As far as replacing something for something else, I don't see any problem with it. Essentially you're saying, "This is not Okay, but this is." As far as the food in the highchair and even tossing food and sippy cups on the floor, it is totally age-appropriate and I would be a little concerned if she wasn't doing it. It's how they investigate textures, AND your reaction to things, like you mentioned. I always have to give my little boy something to hold onto during his diaper changing-otherwise-his hands go right to his private parts and right into the mess I'm trying to clean up! Be a little thankful she's holding onto to something and not making the mess messier and unsanitary. The next stage to look forward to is when she won't stay still during a diaper change or getting dressed. It all gets worse, before it gets better. As another poster said-trying to maintain a sense of humor about the situations is ideal, for your own sanity. I'm not saying to laugh when the child is doing something you disapprove of, I'm just saying it all comes with the territory and it is frustrating, but "this too shall pass!"

She iw way too young to work on disciplining like that. If you let her hold something, it should be something she CAN chew on. She is probably teething and NEEDS to chew on stuff. You are doing the right thing by replaceing it with something else, it's called "redirecting" and it's all she needs at this age. She won't understand all your efforts at this age, and you'll frusterate yourselves and her too. Wait until she's running around, getting into all your things. That's what baby gates are made for-- because they aren't supposed to "listen" to you just yet. Just establish that you are her loving parents, and you will have plenty of opportunities to practice discipline when she is a little older. Preschool age, maybe.

One is too young to be disciplining with punitive actions. It is healthy for your daughter to be exploring her boundries. Distraction or playful interaction is the best way to curb unwanted actions. She is just exploring her different senses, textures, sounds, your facial expressions! It is okay to say no, especially for safety issues like putting items into her mouth, however giving her something she can have is not a bad thing to do. I suggest you may want to look into several resources for normal one year old behavior, you may find that helpful. It sounds to me that your husband may have unrealistic expectations for your daughter at this age. Love, Mom of three!

I think you're doing great. I have a masters in child development and this is what i would teach except for the tapping on the hand. This resembles hitting and teaches nothing except it's ok to hit. Also you should replace the toy while saying, "you may not chew on that but here is something you may chew on". Kids are going and need to chew on things. Hope this helped.

Hi there,
I would recommend the book "Positive Discipline". It's very good and will give you lots of great ways to work with your daughter to get the behavior results you want. What you are doing with the toy (exchanging for something acceptable) is exactly the right tactic at this age in my opinion. It's called redirection and works really well. 1 year olds do not have the cognitive ability to understand no, or being told not to, it's a game to them - she might not be old enough to even be "testing" you yet. She's just exploring her world and figuring out how it works. The best way to keep them on track is to redirect their behavior to acceptable things. For example, on the changing table, exchange the toy with a baby mirror so she can look at herself or a stuffed animal that won't damage the wall, etc... Playing with food is a very typical and useful behavior (messy though) so you may want to just go with it and set it up in a way that's acceptable to you (put a towel on the floor for easy cleanup, feed her in just a diaper, play with her by putting the peas on the tray and moving them around, etc.), basically let her do what she needs to do but direct it a bit so it doesn't make you crazy!
Good luck,
-K.

You're starting out fine...just be consistent ALWAYS! That's where parents have problems, they don't do what they say, or follow up and aren't consistent. Children start from the minute they are born. You are replacing one with another, but you're taking away what she SHOULDN'T have and giving her a toy that's she should be playing with. Your child needs to understand that, just make sure you say "NO" firmly when you take it away. As far as rubbing the toy on the wall during changing, I'm not sure whether you're worried about the paint or what, but if that's the case give her a soft/stuffed toy while changing and don't worry about it.
Kids love playing in food, it feels different. That's normal, it's part of them realizing their sense of touch. When tapping her hand and telling her "no" remove the food from the tray so she can't reach it. When/if she gets to refusing to open her mouth or not eating she may be letting you know she wants to do it herself. It's messy but it's part of the growing process. Give her a spoon and put her on the linoleum or a large piece of plastic under the high chair!
Hope this helps!
Hope this helps!

Well now all babys are experimenting thats why everyone is
unique I would experiment with pleasure transactions till you find something that works ...maybe a spoonful of honey to re-enforce if she does the right thing!?I found that any thing negitive only passes on the memories for the childs later life>>> hint check out a good book on child care. best wish's for your family >>......bob&iona

LOL sounds like your daughter is doing everything she's supposed to - and challenging the boundaries at every turn. How else is she going to learn where the boundaries are? That's the reason its so important for parents to be above all - Consistent. I'm a little confused about what is unacceptable about rubbing the toy against the wall, unless it is something that will hurt the wall, and in that case, perhaps you can have only soft toys near the changing table, that you wouldn't mind if she rubbed against the wall.

Regarding taking away something that is inappropriate or harmful and replacing it with a toy, I think you are dealing with two issues, not one. The lessons are: "When I ask you to give me something, you need to obey" and "we get to make choices about what you play with - what I am giving you is a good choice for a toy." I suggest a healthy dose of humor, facial animation and distraction.

As to the high chair, I suggest you teach her sign language for both "more" and "all done." Then when she starts to shove and throw food, you can ask her if she is "all done" - if she does it a second time, you can tell her you can see she is all done, and calmly take the food away or the tray off, or take her out of the high chair.

I would also suggest that you read the book "Boundaries with Kids" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Hope this helps.

Oh, I remember the mess my babies made in the highchair...in hindsight, I wish I would have just put a mat or towel down on the floor and not been so worried about it.

It sounds like your daughter is exploring her sense of touch-rubbing the wall, spreading food around the highchair tray and using her mouth to explore toys as well. I wonder if you gave her something that wouldn't wreck the walls like a soft toy or cloth book to hold while you changed her if you might feel better about it. I kept a basket of special toys close to the changing table just to keep them still. Of course I had to rotate the items as they eventually lose their novelty.

As far as the food all over the tray, I never did figure it out how to stop it, I just limited the amount I put down at once. My son loved to roll peas all over and would land quite a bit on the floor and in his seat. I intellectually I knew it wasn't that he wanted "make a mess for me to clean," but I used to get very frustrated-he just really like rolling them around-children that young are about exploring-not intentionally pushing our buttons.

When my daughter started exploring things with her mouth I found that giving her a frozen teething ring in exchange for inappropriate things helped quite a bit. I felt like I was always washing and disinfecting because she really put a lot in her mouth back then. I was always worried she might find something I overlooked and choke. We also had a couple of other teething toys that we used. Eventually she stopped putting everything in her mouth.

I'm definitely not an expert, but I have heard many people say that replacing what the child is NOT supposed to be doing with something that they ARE supposed to be doing is actually a very good way to teach them. It teaches them that she can chew on SOME things, but not EVERYthing. I see keep up with that part. And actually keep up with all of it, yes she is testing to see how far she can go. As long as you stay consistent this behavior should slow down eventually. I can't say that it will go away altogether, I think this behavior, in one way or another is permanent in children. It's how they learn, it's how they express themselves, it's how they discover that they are in control of some things, and not in control of others. She isn't doing to make you mad, yet, she is simply doing it because she is discovering all these new things she can do and what happens when she does them. Stick with it, and it will be rewarding in the end. :) Good luck

Hi K.,
Don't be afraid to let your child cry! It's only normal that she cries when you take something away from her. If she's chewing on something that's not a toy, tell her gently that it's not a toy (children can differenciate between a toy and not a toy) and give her the opportunity to give it back to you herself before you TAKE it from her. Unless it's something very dangerous! Time her cry, I bet it won't last 5 minutes. Good Luck,
E.

I'll tell you what my pediatrician told me about the same kind of behavior my son was doing. She said to put it on them. You see, the child is learning cause and effect. When she does X mama does Y, SOmetimes it looks funny. So, when she scatters her food, tell her, "Uh-Oh, too bad, all gone" or something like that, then take it away, and put her down. Yes, she will cry, no she will not starve. They told me to not give any more food until the next mealtime. Then it becomes their problem, if I do X, then Y happens, and I don't like it. It really helped with our son who kept throwing everything. And keep up the warning, then taking away with the toys. Put them somewhere where she can still see them, but can not have them. That way, when she wants it, say "too bad, all gone" Bring them back the next day though.
Good luck, and I hope you find something that works for you.