Disciplining Another Person's Child

Absolutely you have the right to tell another child to stop hitting if the parent isn't paying attention. That Mom should have apologized and thanked you for correcting her daughter, and reinforced the same message, "don't hit!" Unfortunately, she chose to get defensive and excuse her bad behavior by calling it something else. She's doing her child no favors. She's angry with you because it embarrased her that her child had to be corrected by someone else. My oldest could be an aggressive little hitter at ages 2-3, I watched her very carefully around other kids. If I had my attention on my baby and another parent corrected her for hitting, I would have been grateful, and backed it up with swift consequences.

I agree with you. Once was one thing but if this child hit my child a second time and the mother didn't do anything I would have!!!

Ive never disiplined another child, but I see it happening all the time. I take my 2 yr old to indoor play places frequently, and constantly see other moms defending their children against others when the parent isnt attentive. I think you did the right thing.

Ummm....I'm a preschool teacher and I do it all the time. I have two philosophies on this:

First: It Takes a Village. I would *want* someone to stop my son from doing the exact same thing if their child were being hurt, and would apologize to the mother as well as encourage my son to check in with the offended party. Unfortunately, this feeling is not widely reciprocated in our culture. We tend to want everyone to watch out for the safety of our children, but to shut up when they do something wrong.

Second: If You Choose Not to Parent Your Child, I Will. As parents, we have to learn how to position ourselves so that we can see our children even when we are tending to a child. I've had multiple park experiences, where I don't even know who the attending parent is because the parent isn't watching their kid. On numerous occasions I've had to step in because children are being unsafe and I had no idea who their parents were. My perspective: if you are texting, or chatting with a friend, and you aren't tracking your kids, I'm under no obligation to figure out who you are and report to you when your kid is hurting others or being dangerous. My job is to make them stop. If they care enough to be upset with me (and some have), they need to get off their butt and parent their kid. I've got no problem with redirecting children or even making appropriate boundaries. ("You can play that way over there... this area is for the little kids"-- that sort of thing.) My position is simple-- if you don't like how I'm tending to your child, do it yourself.

I tend to think that the mother you referred to has some issues with seeing her child's negative behaviors, and that's likely where her anger (or is she embarrassed?) stems from. Without asking you, she assumed that her four year old had been wronged and immediately gave the child an "out". Unfortunately, there are parents who will "rescue" their child from unpleasant situations because they don't have healthy limitations and boundaries with their children. Instead, they either don't want their child to 'feel sad' at appropriate times (which suggests mom has her own emotional issues) or there are other issues at play. You don't have to be negligent to be dysfunctional. :) IMO, a four year old who has aware parents should have been instructed long ago not to hit, and certainly to be safe with babies, and those parents would have followed through with making amends, not angry with you.

In my experience, it's usually the people who aren't actively parenting or those who are dysfunctional with their parent/child relationships who are the most offended. Me, I'd be embarrassed and apologetic. But certainly not upset with you for taking care of your baby.

Just some extra food for thought: I grew up in Honolulu with a Filipino family (my adoptive dad is Filipino) and TONS of Aunties and cousins. I was raised to respect anyone older than you are, and to listen to them, because if I didn't and Mama found out, I would have been in SO much trouble! Mainland mothers are different, their children seem to be more in the "personal property" category than "community property".

Just my opinion.

Added: I have to disagree with all the people who say 'don't raise your voice'. I do use a stern louder voice, sparingly, (when my preschoolers are ignoring previous redirection, and *only* for safety issues) but it I don't think it does our children any good to pretend they aren't doing something egregious and play nice. It's not ideal to raise our voices to children, yet when they are choosing to be unsafe and not to stop-- here, I think it's okay to let them know you mean business. Used sparingly, a raised voice makes an impression.

H.

Well, I think its the fact that you raised your voice that maybe upset her. I would be upset if someone yelled at my child. I would and do discipline my child, but just the thought of someone else raising their voice at my child makes me angry.

You should have calmly corrected the girl, and then went and talked to her mother. But I understand you were most likely angry that your baby was being hit, so its understandable that you raised your voice. I would try not to let it happen again. Just talk to the other mom and clear the air. Good luck.

I live in Japan, so perhaps my answer is a bit different, but in this culture children are very well-behaved in public. In my opinion, this is because all adults around them are respected and have a right to correct them as a member of the culture. In a way, children here are much more free to horse around, but they also know their limits. If your situation happened here, there would be no question in my mind that you were in the right. I've corrected children here many times when I've seen them doing something dangerous. Maybe raising your voice wasn't the best way, but feel no guilt-- That was your reaction at the time. Thinking about it now may change the way you react next time. That is part of your growth as a mother, I think. All of us here are involved in the process! Take care. :)

Well 4 certainly does seem old enough to "know better" but honestly, I don't think you should have raised your voice. All in all it sounds like both you and the other mom could have handled it better. I do agree with talking to her and addressing the issue, of course. I think you have a right to say don't do that, that's not okay, is there a problem...any of that sort, but raising your voice...not okay either. I think maybe if you just address the mom next time you see her and say hey, things got a little confusing the other day when X hit Y. Sorry I raised my voice, are we okay? Or something to that nature...I'm sure you guys can get over it.

M.,

I would have stepped in the FIRST time the four year old hit your baby. Since the mother was is the same room, I would have taken the child by the hand and let her mother know that her child had hit your baby in the head.

"Smacks" to the head from a four year old to a baby are NOT accidental and even if they were, it needs to be addressed immediately. Parents who console an older child who hits a younger child instead of correcting the behavior, are in the process of creating a bully.

Hitting is not a game. You are probably not the only mom that the mother of the child who hit your baby is avoiding. If you could go to her and clear the air maybe it would help her and her child. Very touchy situation....we are all "mother lions" when it comes to our children.

Blessings....

You did the right thing. You actually didn't "discipline" this child; disciplining her would involve giving her a consequence for her actions and following through on that. You halted a potentially dangerous action and alerted her that it was not acceptable, and in doing so, you were just protecting your child. Unless you yelled or screamed, changing your tone of voice is fine by me. We don't necessarily have to get louder but we all do change our tone when what we're saying is serious and must be give attention. I'd let the mom's anger go, especially since you only see her once a week in this class and you're not friends. Just be polite with her and greet her as you usually would (or wouldn't). She probably was confused and did not see the incident and just heard someone raising their voice to her child, and instinctively jumped to her kid's defense, but you did what you needed to do.

A child put your vulnerable toddler in danger. You were obligated to ensure your child remained safe. You don't mention where you were when it happened...Maybe a play area?

1.) One way to keep your child safe would be to leave. But why should you have to do this?

2.) Tell the child to stop touching your child -- Immediately.

3.) Ask the mother to remove her child or make him stop touching your child.

I do think a 4 year old knows the difference between "playing" and "hitting". And though the child wasn't being malicious, I don't think you were out of line and I would welcome you re-directing my child if he were not playing nice.

You had the right to stop her from hitting your child. You should have left the actual correcting to her mother.

Uh, if someone else's kid hit my baby I would've reacted the exact same way. I have had this happen and I've no issues with addressing it myself. Usually it's happened while the other mother was too busy texting, chatting, checking her blackberry, etc, to even notice. So hey, if you're not going to pay attention to your child, someone else has to.

You bet I have "disciplined" someones child. It's an uncomfortable situation to be in but if YOUR child is being hurt by the hands of a child whose parents seem to be oblivious, then by all means, speak up immediately. I personally would have reacted the first time it happened and would not have bothered to ask the child why he did it. He did it, it's unacceptable, and "Do not hit my child again." The mother of this child is upset? Too bad for her. Move on. She wasn't doing her job with her child so you did it for her. Hopefully both she and her child learned something from this.

I have disciplined lots of other people's children... BUT it was always with the mother's permission (family and friends mostly) I do think that you should be able to step in and stop bad behavior if it's directly affecting your kid (like this was) but I definitely wouldn't have raised my voice... unless it kept happening over and over. Generally, I ask the parent to correct their child's behavior first, or if that's not an option I will ask the kid to stop. Not raise my voice though. If they persist in their behavior, and the parent still doesn't do anything, THEN the loud voice comes out. lol. I think you probably should have tried stopping her the first time it happened, and tell her nicely that it's not nice. If she kept hitting then, I would have probably raised my voice... BUT the mother should be more understanding that these things do happen, and her kid isn't always going to be an angel when she's not looking. If she is unable to corrrect her childs behavior, she should realize that the mothers of other children WILL step in.

UH - the child hit your child. I don't think you were out of line.

You don't need to raise your voice in a situation like this. The child was 4 not 14! Just telling her firmly(but calmly) "We don't hit."would have taken care of the problem AND you would have set a good example for all concerned. That is how the 4-year old (and other ages) learn how to behave properly--by watching adults do it.

you handled it appropriately, the mom did not

I would have told the mom that her child was repeatedly hitting my child. But in the future, it it happens again, get the mom's attention. Even if you have to interrupt her conversation. Just tell her that her child is hitting your child and she needs to help her child understand that hitting is never allowed. If it continues you might have a talk with the coordinator of the group and ask them to speak to her.

If a kid puts there hand on my kid, I will tell them in a stern and loud voice, not to touch my child again. I don't give two toots if the mom gets mad or not. And yes, I've done it. If a child is even not playing nice (won't go down slide so others can go) and the parent isn't doing anything, I will also tell (not ask) them to go so others can go to.

I wouldn't have asked another kid why they did what they did, but I won't hesitate to tell them to back off my kid.

Unless I was babysitting, I would not impose consequences on someone else's child, or offer them a lecture on acceptable behavior. If another child was hitting mine, I would simply remove my child from the other child's proximity.

My mom always told me that if a parent doesn't educate her kids she expose them to somebody else do it.
That have stuck with me for many years and no so much about me educating other kids but to educate mine because I don't want others to do.
Unfortunately not all parents think the same and some use the excuse that they are kids, don't know better, they are just playing, etc.
I agree with this as I am mother of 2, but just because my kid didn't know better it doesn't means that I don't.
If an older boy hit my girl I stop him and tell him to stop, hopefully the mom would take the hint and I would not need to either stop him again or take my kid away.
However, when the other kid is the same age I sometimes (depending on the situation and the other parent) I let my kid defend her self and I just stay right next to her and help her (like: Did the boy took your toy? Did he push you? You can tell him to stop).
If the friendship of this mom is something you want to keep, maybe you can talk to her later and explain what happen, if not, then know that this happen often and maybe next time you don't want to scream to the other kid but don't feel embarrassed from protecting your kids.

I would slightly raise my voice *the first time) in the hopes the other mother would NOTICE, you did the right thing. This mom will have a real problem if she continues to give her child the message its ok to hit other kids

I have done it and will do it again if necessary. If parents are not paying attention to their child and their children are at risk of hurting themselves or others I will say something.

My kids think its funny that I can get other kids to do the right thing.

I would have spoken to my child and said, "I'm sorry _____ keeps hitting you. Let's go play over here instead." Then I would have moved my child to a different area. This sends a clear message to the other mom and child that if children hit, others won't play with them.

This is such a good question because I never know what to do. I usually talk really nicely to them and say something like "We don't hit" and redirect them. I try to make sure I say it to where the parent hears me though. I just never know the right thing to do in that situation. I'm anxious to see what others say.

I think you could've done it without "raising your voice". I would've just told her, that is not nice, we don't hit each other. I know it's hard NOT to be the momma bear, but she's just a little girl, and she is still learning.

This older child was hitting your toddler, more than once. I don't think you were out of line. No hitting is pretty much a universal rule and 4 is old enough to know that. It might have been better to use a calm tone of voice...but under the circumstances I can see why you didn't.

Sure, it's embarrassing when someone else says something to your child. But it's not like my kids are angels even when I am watching. I don't usually mind when someone else scolds my children (unless they are doing something I allow and another parent might not --like going barefoot or are very mean about it). I think it is reasonable to redirect any child on a safety issue. I will also step in and give instructions or suggestions if it is my child and another child and they need help on sharing or taking turns. Many times kids 5 and under need the help setting up some rules to play nicely.

Ummmm, sorry, but if someone else's child at 4yo, no less- Hits my BABY and a 15mo IS JUST a baby, then holy cow yes u betcha i am going to a) STOP it IMMEDIATELY (your child is a BABY! hello!) b) It is NEVER ok for another child to strike a baby! PERIOD! babies are more delicate and are NOT up to defenidng themselves from a 4yo! I have seen a four year old knock a 2yo right down tot he ground and the other mother did NOTHING about it! The mother of the baby was so shocked she didnt move immeditaely to grab her baby so I ran over to the older child took his hand JUST as he was about to HIT the baby again and stopped it cold and YES I raised my voice! The whole playground stopped and then the baby's mom came runnig over and thanked me and said she never had that happen and didn't want to do the wrong thing as she was a first time mom etc etc. Hey no prob! I did it and i would do it again! There is NO EXCUSE for a 4yo to be hitting a BABY! The offedning child'som was FINALLY forced to cxome over after everyone else's mother was looking at her like- "WELL? are you going to fix this or not?" She apologized but said that her son didn't mean it. Oh REALLY lady? at the age of 4.5 y.o. he doesnt know that he canot hit a baby? Hmmm, sorry! needs HELP.