Disciplining My 12 Yr Step Daughter

Every kid her age feels that way about parents, whether bio or step.
Still, unless you have legally adopted her and are her actual parent, you need to let her father impose consequences for unacceptable behavior.
Personally, I didn't think backtalk and muttering under her breath were punishable offenses. My daughter had to do what I told her to do but she didn't have to like it, and she was free to express her dislike, as long as it got done.

You need to not be the disciplanarian, period. We have custody of my SD, who is 15, who also hasn't seen her mother in two years. I have a son who is 14 and my husband and I have two sons together, 7 & 8.

I am the one who is at home more with the kids (I work FT but 3 of those days are at home) but I am NOT my SD's disciplinarian. That is my husband's job. When there are issues, I go to him, we discuss, and he or we then deal with whatever the consequence is. She gets the message loud and clear that these are OUR rules, not just mine. Yes it puts him in the middle sometimes, but that's part of the job.

Your husband is failing her by abdicating this role to you. If he won't get on board ASAP, then find a counselor who deals with blended families. Which is probably a good idea anyway if you haven't already done that to help her through her abandonment issues, which are there even if she insists she's fine. No kid handles being dumped by a bio parent well and she should have some counseling to help her through those feelings and you could all use some help with navigating your new normal.

Part of it is that she is 12 years old with the hormones, changes, and becoming a teenager that goes with it. The other part, which you should not at all underestimate, is that her own mother has essentially abandoned her which messes with a child's head and heart big-time. She wonders why her mom abandoned her? What she did so wrong that her mother doesn't see her? Why is she so unlovable that her own mother can't stand to come see her? And so much more. She's also jealous of your kids and thinks they have a better deal because their own mother did not abandon them. So, what makes them so much more loveable that they weren't abandoned? And again so much more. If you have not sought some counseling for that, it is important for her to have some help addressing it. It does sound like you may be a bit hard on her, but there is more to it than that.

I went through a very similar situation where my step daughter's mom abandoned her. She is still trying to recover and she's 27. She wants her mother's love, appreciation and approval and doesn't get it. She didn't get it growing up and she's still trying to please her mom and getting the same treatment. I've tried many times to explain to her(since she's been an adult) that I don't think her mother's capable of the relationship she's desiring. In her mind, I know she knows that. Her heart is a completely different story. It is so sad to watch. She knows she is loved by her Dad and I, but she wants it from her mom.

Having made lots of mistakes I have a few ideas. A GREAT book is Love and Logic with Teens. It is an easy read and even if you decide not to implement all of their ideas, it will give you ways to deal with issues without becoming emotionally drawn in. It also helps you see how to have the child "own" their mistakes.

If you can afford or have access to counseling, I would do it. We had counseling for our daughter, but she wound up going back to live with her mother at 14. Her mother abandoned her from 9 until then and when her mother told her she "wanted her back" she was thrilled. Again, because she had abandoned her in the first place (and her mother also told her she wouldn't have any rules and what kid of 14 doesn't think that's a grand idea). The things your step daughter deals with are hard. Being her age is hard too. It's a difficult time under normal circumstances. She doesn't know why her Mom doesn't want anything to do with her and she hurts because I'm sure most of her friends have their mother actively in their lives.

Having time out with just she and you would be good too. Maybe grab a coffee/hot chocolate together. Talk when things aren't heated. Ask her what her dreams are. Maybe talk about volunteering activities she can do.

Another thing I tried to do because my step daughter was so damaged in her self esteem was before she went to bed every night I tried to compliment her about some part of her character. Example: You were so patient with your sister when you helped her find her shoes. I really appreciate you helping her out like that. Another idea my pastor talks about is he started a notebook for each one of his kids. Through the week he tries to write them a love letter once a week. Sometimes he shares wisdom, sometimes it was more like you really tickled me when you...etc. When he wrote something, he would place the notebook on their bed while they were at school. After they read it, they gave the notebooks back to him. He saved all the notebooks and when they headed off to college, he gave them to his girls. I really think that's an awesome idea. I haven't started it, but I plan to.

I don't have any great answers. I've been where you are and it's hard. Parenting is such a hard job and being a step parent is hard as well.

Blessings!
L.

As others have said part of it is just her age. Tween girls are like having toddlers sometimes.

The best advice I can give is to pick your battles. I know that get's over used but it really is the truth. Back talking..no. A mumble under their breath..ignore. I guarantee some of it is her trying to goad you on, don't fall into the trap, if you do every time she wins. Even if winning means negative attention.

Chores, when mine were that age and notorious for half assed work I made a check list. On that list is what I meant when I said to clean ?. I put it in a clear case, those clear notebook dividers, and attached an erasable marker to it. They had to check each item off as they went, then i would double check what they did. For a while I had them hanging all over the house, but in time they were able to do it without the checklist. It wasn't that they couldn't do it either. it's just that there idea of clean and mine were two separate things. The list cleared up the confusion, told them exactly what I expected and gave them a guide to follow. I even did it for the younger ones, but using pictures.

Now here's another thing, dad has to step up and help correct his DD. Whenever the balance is unequal when it comes to discipline a child will feel less loved cause it feels like they are being picked on. If you guys can unite and do it together she will see that it isn't all you, and that dad also has the same expectations.

Sad that this little girl "lost" her mom at 9 and now can't seem to live up to your expectations. Remember your logic when your 3 and 6 year olds are 12.

Yes, I think you are being too hard. What did she do that warranted grounding her for a whole weekend?

"If she wants something it has to be proven?" I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds a little harsh.

I wish you would give more examples of all these things you are punishing her for, but overall, it sounds like you are being too punitive.

And you absolutely should not be punishing her for talking back "under her breath." If they mumble something, let it go. Only address it if it's outright rude or disrespectful. You really have to pick your battles, or it will backfire, and you will CREATE problems with your sternness.

I have a question - when you introduce her do you all her your 'step' daughter? Also not sure what she says that makes you comment that YOU are her morhter but the fact is you are not...at her age identity is important and I am sure she feels unworthy since her mom just left her so those feelings need to be recognized...you will never replace her mother in her heart and you shouldn't but you can be the one she acknowledges as the mom who raised and loved her. As to chores, my 19 year old does not do them to my standard but she does do them and it is fine...they are not going to do them to the standards of a grown woman generally - sometimes lists can be overwhelming and if the room is not nasty you might have to learn to live with a bit of teen sloppiness...and, yes, her dad needs to take a more active role. I have been a step parent and I have been a sole parent for 20 years and even tho their dad is now deceased and made lousy choices he was and is still their dad and deserves respect for the position and in their hearts....

My impression is that she feels you are too critical of her, and as an outsider looking in, only reading what you have written, I am inclined to agree with her.

"If she wants something it has to be proven"?
Kids should *always* be allowed to 'want'...they are kids, it's only natural. Making her prove she deserves stuff is a very hard and stern line to draw. I can see 'earning' big ticket items, privileges and responsibilities...but most minor things she should just be allowed to do/have until she has proven she shouldn't have them, ya know? So, IMO your thinking on this matter might be a little skewed.

You "wrote a detailed list" of what you expect?
You sound like a boss or a drill sargent, not like a mom!
Sorry.

No disrespect but you have only had her as her 'sole' motrherly figure for a mere 2 years and you sound like you have wasted no time in trying to teach her that you are the boss and she must listen to everything you say and do everything exactly how you want them done---->which is what I read from her comment about you 'always find something wrong" with what she does. Are you the type of Mom that tells her to do a chore and then goes in and inspects it and if something minor is off or wrong you tell her it's not good enough? I had one of those Moms and they SUCK!

No one is perfect, not her and not you. Just something to think about.

~And sorry, I am not a stepmom to an 11y/o girl. I am a stepmom to boys but I wanted to chime in seeing how I was a girl and got raised by many a woman who tried acting like my Mother, just as you are doing. I fundamentally disagree with you when you state that you are 'really only mom she has'. You are not.

wow, you are in full flight to become a fairy tale stepmother, even though you seem to be heart-invested in this child. sorry, but you need to take a deep breath.
grounding her for the whole weekend and taking away a sleepover is a really big punishment. if she was so mouthy she deserved it, okay, but really, talking under her breath? you can't control and micromanage a pre-teen this way. they've got to have some outlet for negative self expression. parenting teens is not for the thin-skinned. you have GOT to pick your battles.
so she lost her sleepover and got grounded all weekend and then on top of THAT, despite claiming you understand her outrage, you gave her a list of cleaning chores?
for starters, cleaning chores ought to be part of a family's commitment to each other, not punishment.
next, piling on a LIST of mini-punishments on top of a big punishment is just begging a pre-teen to melt down. she's only 12. how did you think she would handle it? she doesn't have the maturity or life experience to accept this the way a 20 year old would.
and finally, no child is going to do these tasks, even when they're NOT imposed as a draconian gotcha, to an adult's standards. that's part of parenting. you need to understand that learning this stuff happens on a gradient, they aren't just naturally great at it (or most aren't anyway.)
does she actually have to prove to you that she deserves anything at all? why can't some things be granted her just because she's her wonderful self?
the fact that you haven't stuck to your guns in the past is of course factoring into that as well. it's vitally important that you mean what you say and you say what you mean. but do temper your reactions and consequences to something way more realistic for this still very young girl.
khairete
S.

Hang in here. My step daughter tries to say I "favor" my kids too-if anything I'm a little harder on mine. She says it because she knows it hurts. As long as you and your husband present a united front-you'll get through it.
Have you tried rewarding good behavior?
Perhaps if you and she could have a spa day, lunch, or hit the gym or mall together when she is good for a certain amount of time?

Sorry I am not a step parent... but the problem here is:
that her Dad/your Husband... does not discipline her nor do anything to correct her. Hence, it seems all of this is falling on your shoulders.
Maybe Hubby should learn about Tween/Teen girl development.
Google Search "Teen girl development." or "Tween girl development."
Tweens are from 9-12 years old. Then Teen-dom. Your step daughter is on the cusp of this.
Rough age.
The teachers I know, say that. They are Moms and they went through this.

Your Husband, is a large part of this "problem" because maybe he is just trying to be a "buddy/friend" to her, but is not a parent.
It is a chicken/cowardly way, to parent.
Your Husband doesn't want to, parent.
Right now, he IS a great influence on a daughter.
Does he want her to get into trouble with guys??? Or to seek out negative attention from guys?
He better start now... in guiding her, as a Dad.
Sticking his head in the sand... is doing her NOTHING at all, to guide her.

Keep in mind too, that girls this age have their periods and have PMS. Hormones wreaks havoc, on their emotions too.

Here is a GOOD article by the National Geographic Magazine, on Teens:
http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/10/teenage-brains/...

Your Husband's problem is he needs to PARENT.
And be an INTEGRAL part, of his daughter's life. Good or bad.
So that, she does not get wayward.
He needs to know that.
His daughter is a growin' up. Fast.
If he doesn't do anything about it now, it will get worse.

Again, the PROBLEM IS your Husband's lack, of parenting her.
AND THAT... he makes you, the "bad guy" in all of this.

I think that your step-daughter needs to be able to talk to you. I think that she needs to let her know that you will listen to her (with you heart) and then really listen. After I married, I found that I had this whiny voice. I felt like I just Had to say something, however, I knew that my husband wouldn't listen and worse yet, he would punish me for even expressing my feelings. This sounds something like the muttering under her breath that your daughter is doing.

Also, please get on the Flylady website. She has ways of breaking down housework so that it is not overwhelming for all people, but especially for kids. Break down jobs so that she will never have to spend more than 15 minutes on her room and interject some fun. Cleaning is a learning process. If she is trying and approximating a half-way decent job, praise her for that and let it go, she will gradually get better. Do you wad up and throw away your three year old's drawing because the aren't done right? That may be about what it feels like to your step-daughter when her hard work is never enough and she has to do it over again.

I can't read all this since there are no paragraphs so if I say something wrong just pass it by.

She's a teen in the making. Mom, she's going through all the changes and is hormonal. She's not able to manage herself very well right now and needs you to learn how to deal with a teenager.

I suggest you go to the local library and check out some books on living with teens.

She is a walking talking mass of hormones that she has little control over.

You need to learn how to pic your battles and let stuff go. She is not your little girl anymore and the talking under her breath and stuff is so normal for her age. You have to let this go. She's learning to be an adult and sometimes a person feels like they are being treated badly, whether that is true or not, and they talk back to that person. As adults we play the conversation over and over in our mind and tell that person off and say exactly the "right" things.

She doesn't have the ability to keep that conversation to herself yet. So it comes out. When she's doing this she is feeling very very very mistreated and not listened to.

So either you have to let it go or have a constant battle on your hands.

Those teen years are not that long then she'll be moving away and gone. You'll actually look back at that time and miss it.

iv never raised a 12yr old but i was one once lol... i hate to say this but i realy think until your husband starts doing at least some of the disciplining with her, that shes always going to see you as "mean step-mom".. and im sure that thats really how it seems to her since daddy never punishes her.. or if she does get punished daddy will still let her do what she wants anyway... and honestly it sounds like she has it pretty good.. her own room, a phone, im guessing she takes all this stuff for granted .. and alot of her behavior is just her being the normal moody hormonal almost teenager, unfortunatley... but i really do think it will help your relationship with her if her dad can get on board with the discipline.. my parents dealt with my talking back to a certain extent, but yes i would get grounded sometimes, depending on my level of b*tchyness

Read a book called "Your Defiant Child" by Russell Barkley. Saved our family. Good Luck!