Disipline Problems - Bismarck,ND

Yeah, no pinching. At her age, redirection is key. Being firm and consistent is as well. . Dr. Sears is a childhood expert and can give you some excellent advice!

Discipline tactics:
http://www.askdrsears.com/?q=topics/discipline-behavior

Tips for specific behaviors, (like biting and such):
http://www.askdrsears.com/?q=topics/discipline-behavior/b...

Scolding does not show her what she is to do. Raising your voice shows her that you've lost control. I suggest that she is laughing because she doesn't understand what she's to do.

I also suggest that you're expecting more from her than she's able to do. She is not able to pick up her toys by herself. Her attention span is very short. Her brain is immature causing her to be impulsive and unable to connect cause and affect. She needs help in settling down for a nap. A routine that quiets her and gets her ready for quiet time. You cannot make her go to sleep but you can teach her how to stay in her crib and quietly play by repeating a routine over and over.

I agree with Leigh R.s suggestions on how to handle a 2 yo.

I suggest that she listens when her Dad raises his voice because she's not used to hearing him. I wonder if she's somewhat frightened by him. This is not desirable. You want her to learn how to behave in a pleasant way.

Other good responses here but I would add:

Of course she is laughing at you. You are not using any one consistent form of discipline despite what you say about "trying to be consistent."

You mention raising your voice, time outs, scolding, counting to three, taking away TV, even (seriously?!) pinching her. She never has any expectation of what consequence will follow her actions because you never give her the same consequence consistently; your choices of discipline are jumping around all over the place. She needs ONE reaction from you that she gets each and every time, so that she eventually learns that "doing thing X gets consequence Y" every time. Be aware that it will take her a long time -- maybe another couple of years -- to understand that fully. She is just over two, and still not really fully capable of connecting her actions to the consequences, but it is time to start teaching her that by having consisten consequencse -- not a wide range of different ones that confuse her.

Choose ONE thing that will get her attention. Find her "currency." That means you need to know what one thing, when taken away, will really make her feel its loss. Does she hate to be still? Then time outs might work well for her -- but you absolutely must be consistent and firm. NO yelling or even a raised voice; a location for time out that is utterly boring to her (out of sight of all her toys, the TV, and definitely never in her own bedroom); and you must return her to time out spot over and over if she gets up, until she does stay put. This can take dozens of times with some kids. Please get books by the TV supernanny Jo Frost who is great on time out technique.

It's not clear just what you're disciplining her for doing; I don't know what you mean when you say she is disciplined when she "gets into a mood." If she is not performing actions that are a problem, being "in a mood" calls for distraction and redirection -- not discipline. Do you know how to redirect her and distract her effectively, so that moods don't escalate into negative behaviors? It takes practice on the adult's part.

On the behaviors you do describe specificially, I think you may have expectations that are not age-appropriate. Do you tell her to "pick up your toys"? That is too broad an instruction for a child her age. Instead, be very, very specific toy by toy, and make it a game with you present and smiling: "Let's see how fast you can get the toys into the box! First, pick up Sally Doll and put her in the red toy box faster than mommy can put this toy in there! Ready, set, go!" and so on, toy by toy. A large instruction like "pick up your toys" when there are many on the floor is overwhelming to a child this age. You have to have her pick up a very few, named toys, then frankly do the rest yourself. Praise her a lot when she does pick up the toy you name and get it in the box, and do not let the game go on so long that she gets bored and cranky.

Same for naps. Many kids give up naps between ages two and three, so she may be getting ready to give up napping entirely -- bear that in mind. Teach her instead to have a "quiet time" each day at the same time (consistency!) where she is in her room by herself and does not need you to entertain her. Do not fuss if she does not lie down and sleep in that time; the point is for her to learn to be OK by herself, knowing you are nearby and knowing she is supposed to stay put. Keep the quiet time short to start with -- five or seven minutes -- then build up the time gradually. Be sure she has some interesting new things she would play with quietly, and return her to the room if she wanders out, but don't interact with her a lot. This is one reason never to use the bedroom as a time out spot: If you do that, she will associate her bedroom with being disciplined and will not want to go there happily and willingly for a nice quiet time.

Raising your voice will teach her it's OK to yell to get what you want. Don't model that for her. And pinching will only give you a child who pinches. If she already bites -- why would you pinch her? She doesn't listen to words right now as much as she copies actions, so pinching a chiild who bites is the equivalent of telling her that "It's acceptable to cause pain to get someone's attention." Kids who pinch or bite will quickly be asked to leave preschool, and if someone else sees a bruise you didn't mean to give her but did -- you might have people asking much bigger questions.

Please find some good books on discipline for this age group and get more ideas that are constructive and don't involve yelling or physical contact. Neither action models anything you want her doing. Also, learn in those books about the idea of "negative attention." She is laughing at everything because she's delighted to get your attention when you raise your voice, scold her, count to three, threaten to take away TV -- those seem negative to you, but to her they are still attention from mommy. Learn about negative attention and then learn to take it away with calmer discipline that's very consistent.

Good advice here already. I'll just add that my youngest was hell on wheels at that age, so I have some in-the-trenches experience on this, perhaps more than some. Anyway, my advice, for what it's worth:

1) Make sure the child is sleeping enough. Put her to bed EARLY, like 6-6:30pm. I know that sounds insane, but trust me on this one. No, she will not wake up for the day at 3am. You'll be surprised, she will probably wake up later in the morning than she does now. A well-rested child will be slightly easier to manage.

2) Watch her diet. Make sure you are feeding her often. No processed foods. Get a lot of protein in her, healthy fats, and no refined carbs. No juice. Again, a well-fueled child is easier to wrangle. Protein is KEY for afternoon snack. Give her a hard-boiled egg, or some cheese, or meat. I was surprised how much protein can steer a child away from meltdown in the late afternoon.

3) Pick your battles. Rome wasn't built in a day, mama. Have just a handful of things she needs to remember. At this age, if you can get her to not pull the cat's tail, and not bite grandma, you're doing GREAT. You don't have to take her to tea with Queen Elizabeth, at least not today. You have time to work on civilizing her.

4) Before transitioning to a new activity, give her some warning. Then she doesn't feel like you're just swooping in and ruining her good time. As an example, "Sophie, in 5 minutes we will clean up the toys and go eat lunch." (Notice, I didn't say "Okay?" or "Do you want to...?" because that makes it her choice, and it's really not her choice.) Then in a few minutes, "Sophie, in 2 minutes, we will clean up the toys and go eat lunch." And finally, "Sophie, it's time to clean up the toys now." If she is overwhelmed at cleaning up the toys, help her by saying, "Pick up the dollies and put them in the basket" and then "You did it! Now pick up the trucks and put them in the basket."

5) Limit her choices. Instead of, "What do you want for snack?" try "Which one: cheese or yogurt?" And instead of "What do you want to do today?" go with "Would you rather play in the back yard, or go for a walk?" Making choices can be difficult for a little kid; giving her just a couple of choices is easier for her to process.

If all else fails and she ends up in total meltdown (it will happen) due to frustration, you're best off putting her in a safe place (the middle of her room, maybe) and calmly saying, "I see you're upset. When you're feeling better, you can come out." And then leave the room so she can get hold of herself. Sometimes they are just over-stimulated and need a break. Yelling at them just makes it worse. Toddlers feel like they have very little control over life, themselves, their toys, their food... you just have to do your best to keep things on an even keel and stay calm. Try to react the same way every time, so she knows what's coming. She will react more predictably when she knows what to expect each time.

And know that this, too, will pass. She won't be 2 forever. (Which is the only reason my youngest still lives... ;)

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If you have to, physically MAKE her do what you want her to. For example, if you tell her to pick up her toys and she doesn't, you take her arm, lead her to her toys, make her bend down, curl her hand around a toy, drop in toy box. I had to do this with my 3 1/2 year old, and my mom had to do it with me (clearly, we have a genetic stubbornness problem.... :) ) And DEFINITELY make sure you get on her eye level and tell her exactly what she is going to do. Don't ask, don't give options, just tell her how it's going to be, then make it happen. Good luck!!

At that age what you can do is get down to her level, look her in the eyes and just be firm. You do not have to raise your voice. She has become immune to that and obviously thinks you are not serious. So make sure she knows you are talking directly to her and not off in the air because that will not stick.

Age appropriate expectations. I'm not sure picking up toys is an age appropriate expectation. At 6, sure, at 2, well?

She doesn't want to settle down for her nap. I don't know many 2 year olds that do. It's up to you to set he mood and help her to settle down. Punishment (because discipline means teaching appropriate behavior, not negative consequences for bad behavior) of any kind is going to have the opposite effect.

Biting, well, that's just something lots of 2 year olds (and 3 year olds) do. It usually stems from not being able to communicate their needs and/or not feeling like they have any control and trying to establish some control. It is also something you want to try and discourage - say we don't bite, nice touch, redirect, etc. But do understand that it's completely normal.

Honestly, this just sounds like completely normal 2 year old stuff. It is our job, as parents, to try and teach them better ways. But it is equally important to recognize that she is only 2 and to not be too upset that the struggles you are having are very age appropriate.

Try not to get frustrated, it is VERY hard to A) find effective discipline and B) use it effectively and be totally consistent. These are normal obstacles you're having, but it doesn't make sense that you have been absolutely consistent if you've tried so many things and given up. Time outs are often completely ineffective because it's like telling your child to PRETEND you're doing something serious, when really you're just having them sit somewhere while you ignore them. Big deal. Why would they strive to avoid that immediately? Not criticizing you just trying to let you know many kids have no improvement with time-outs and nothing is wrong with your daughter.

Also, you seem to be hoping to get your daughter to react to a raised voice but this is NOT a good goal, because what happens when you need her to mind you in the library or anywhere else where you want to quietly remind her how to behave and have her listen right away? I see kids who are totally immune to cross, angry voices all the time. She will get used to it and ignore her dad eventually too. There is a dad in the waiting room with me for my kids' Tae Kwon Do classes every week, and God bless him for spending his time there, but his two daughters have terrible behavior and he is ALWAYS yelling at them and trying to "sound intimidating". It's obvious he isn't effective behind the scenes though, because they absolutely do not listen to him at all.

You need to be FIRM (with actions not with a big scary voice) and CALM and act CONSISTENTLY after just one or two QUIET warnings at this age to get her in the habit of listening right away. There is more to it than that, but I have three kids who I take everywhere, and the reason I never have to raise my voice or abort errands is because of this philosophy. Get the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson and be consistent.

Oh boy, the terrible twos. I remember them well. It is so frusterating. Try not raising your voice. That way she has to listen to what you are saying. Give a warning & then carry it through. I used a time out with my grandson. I remember one time it took 2 hours for him to do a 3 minute time out. It does work, but they have to know that you are in charge. He is now 6 & is a very good boy. Good luck & remember-1 minute per age on a time out. To them, one minute is an hour.

what are you needing to discipline her for? Can you give examples of what she's doing wrong? Knowing that would help me give a better response for you. :)

First of all stop yelling and pinching. Read 1,2,3 magic or start going to ECFE and learn good tactics from a parent educator. The "half years" are always the most challenging and you may actually look funny when you yell...ever thought of that? Good luck and take a deep breath...we all have many years of this ahead of us!