Do I Just Have a "Spirited" Child or Does My Parenting Suck?

My great-nephew is like that. Just...REALLY high energy. All the time.
But, you know what? Lots of kids are like that and I think part of it is the age. They're EXTREMELY busy, having walking down now they RUN everywhere. They're also trying to be independent (hence the dragging of the child sized car up the steps, etc.)

A few suggestions:
LOTS of outside exercise
LOTS of sleep
VERY healthy diet
LOTS of activities (let him draw in pudding or shaving cream on the table since he likes mushing the food so much!)
Keep errands short--O. per day--and give him a small reward for cooperation and helping (two M&M's)

And DON'T toleraate things like throwing sand, running off in an unsafe area--be prepared to LEAVE whatever you're doing (park, supermarket, etc.) after O. warning.

Good luck! Just be consistent!

I have had such a child. Mine is now 3 and a half and I am going to tell you he won't change, though that means you don't try!

My 6 year old is a sweet child and basically compliant as is my 18 month old. The 3 year old has always been a handful!

First I want to send you a big fat HUG! I was worn out just reading your post. You sound very interested and engaged with your son and you know him very well. You have been very reflective with the approaches you have read and learned about. That is all you can do. Stay focused on your end goal of raising this little boy into a respectable man.

I often see little boys as little tornados and that's what makes them BOYS. Remember, they use their GROSS motor skills way before their FINE motor skills. That's how they play and address the world.

I have seen children out and about like your son. My first thought is, "Wow! If I could have some of that energy!. My second thought is, "Wow! This mom has her hands full and I wish her all the best. She is obviously trying to harness this wild creature and I respect her for that."

If you are sitting on a bench reading a book and not stepping in when your wild man starts to do something unsafe, then I might think it's your parenting skills. From the sounds of it, you are nothing like that.

How about one more hug??? I personally would struggle with little wild boys and I've taught inner-city elementary school. :)

It may not be you- mention to your pediatrician what is going on at your next appointment... They may have advice or resources...

I think it's probably a little of both.. my husband is a no-nonsense dad who implemented manners and rules REALLY early on, at first I thought he was just being a hard @ss but now I'm SO thankful. Our daughter is 2 1/2 and as spirited as she is at home in public she knows what's expected of her. I can't knock you because I couldn't have gotten her where she is without my amazing husband, a lot of times I thought he was just being picky but turns out he knows what he's doing :) she sits in the cart quietly, does good in restaurants, doctors offices, etc and has really good manners. He put his foot down very early with what was acceptable behavior in private vs. public and she gets it.. I know I can credit him with her behavior because some days at home she is NUTS but she never acts out in public, and if she does she gets reprimanded appropriately... so to answer your question I think part of it is on him with his energy and part of it is on you for letting it go and letting him know its acceptable for so long.. But it's still early and you CAN fix it, figure out a way to deal with it when it happens in public and stick to that, don't waver because you're exhausted or maybe he's not freaking out "that much", I think that was the hard thing for me to do..

I always chuckle when parents sound disappointed that parenting isn't as fun as they imagined it would be. No one warns you about that part when you're waddling around and looking cute in your oompa loompa pregnancy overalls, do they?

Hah! This is my daughter, and they're the same age!!

If it's any encouragement to know that you AREN'T a bad parent (and I'm not, either) I'll share that my six year old, from day one, has been the most well behaved child I've ever met. Mellow, quiet, obedient, and a joy.

Of course, my 17 month old is a joy...in different ways. She makes me laugh, she gives me exercise, and she is very, very sweet and lovey.

Another comparison...because the shopping cart has become the bane of our existence!!! My first child would sit in the cart for a two hour grocery trip if I needed her to. A snack, maybe a toy or book, and that was it. My 17 month old? SCREAMS if you put her in a cart, squirms out of the buckles, stands up, thrashes around, etc...she wants out to walk herself, but she'll go in any direction she feels like going, so that's off. :)

I don't have any advice...I'm going through what you're going through...I just have a little more hope, I guess, because I know it's not something I'm doing wrong.

I totally believe that these children are more independent, more adventurous, etc...and it'll work out. My key is consistency, consistency, consistency...and hopefully someday she'll get it. :)

My first was calm and laid back. I thought I was a great parent LOL! Imagine my surprise to find out that it had nothing to do with me, when my 2nd was born with a lot of spirit! Same parents, totally different kid.

My life lesson from this is to remember that just because something worked for one child does not mean that it will work for another. And always remind myself to be kind to a mom whose child is acting up, because it's much harder to BE that mom than it is to watch that mom.

So my child's spirit is not in my control. I am not going to make him into something he's clearly not. What is in my control is how I handle it. Running and being loud on a playground is great. But we've had to almost stop going to restaurants because running and being loud there is not fair to the other customers (I now understand the appeal of curbside delivery at Chili's on days that I didn't get around to making dinner). We're working on it and I will expect more of him as he gets older. But at this age (19months for my son) it's hard.

I have developed some work-arounds. Another mom mentioned letting her toddler push the grocery cart instead of riding - I do that too. I try to have a safe zone at home where he can do what he wants without a lot of correcting. We take a walk (run mostly actually) after dinner around the neighborhood every day so he can burn off energy before bed - in the rain, in the cold, it doesn't matter, we go. And I really try to choose my battles carefully, so I'm not frustrated by trying to get him to do things that just aren't going to happen at his age and with his personality.

It sounds like you are doing a great job of parenting your son! And I'm enjoying reading the answers so I can pick up tips too.

At least for grocery shopping, this is what I did. My daughter HATED sitting in the "seat" part of the cart. She either wanted to sit in the basket part, or she wanted down. When she wanted down (to walk) she also wanted to help. So, I let her push the cart. She would grab the little metal crossbar and push. All I did was steer. As more and more things went into the cart, of course it got heavier and harder to push. She kept at it, and usually by the time we were done shopping, she was worn out! :) I also let her help put things in the cart. I would hand her an item, pick her up, and let her put it in. It gave her more involvement in what we were doing and we had fewer tantrums.

My daughter is 18 months old. She throws things instead of handing them to people. We are working on that. She throws her food. She climbs everything. She tries to ride the dog (and he is little). She refuses to sit in the shopping cart...she tries to climb out every. single. time. I am constantly telling her to sit whilst shopping. I have never thought ill of my parenting. I think this is just the way she is (she is a wild thing). I have picked my battles. Right now those are getting her to sit in the cart and getting her to hand things to us instead of throwing them. She now hands things to us about 70% of the time. The sitting....not going to well but we are going to keep at it. You aren't alone. Good luck!

i had 2 girls like tha, my other 2 were a little easier on me......my motto is 'there is a time to be *spirited*'......that age is very challenging too, they are all stubborn at this age

i always did my grocery shopping at night about 9pm, so i didn't have to take them....it was calmer for me & the other shoppers

i also made a rule that they had to stay out of certain areas in the house

there are things I will NEVER tolerate, throwing sand is one of them

it's important to set boundaries, be consistent in disciplining & pick your battles....as long as he is not being destructive, let him run

Well, you've just described my son. I can assure that no, all kids are NOT like this, and controlling those that are is HARD.

Mine is 3 now, and I swear to you that he's killing me. It seems to be tied directly to sleep, for mine. But we're past the point where it's little things. He's breaking my house...one toy through the drywall at a time.

I've just started reading "So you live with a Toddler". I have no feedback on it yet, so I can't give you any suggestions, but I'm desperate.
123 Magic worked well for mine at your son's age. But he's past that, and now just willfully doesn't listen. I also feel like all I do is yell..and these days...in vain. Time outs don't work. Taking things away doesn't work. I'm searching for a better way to communicate, now.

Hang in there, is all I can tell you.
There are plenty of people that will tell you that you're doing it wrong, and "their child would NEVER do that...or else"....and you know what? They don't have a kid like ours. Period.

So I'll be watching this for suggestions, because I'm at the end of my rope. (Can you sense I'm frustrated?)

Yup- been there! My 4th was like that. Came as a bit of a shock to me- thought I had the parenting thing down- lol.

What really helped me a LOT was to (as much as possible) do both grocery and clothes shopping after my husband came home from work, and we'd had dinner. My husband handled the whole bedtime routine, and I took my sweet time- because, frankly, by then- I needed it.

There is hope though :) My daughter is now 3.5, and she is a joy to take shopping now- just had to ride out the stage. (I noticed that she started getting easier at around 2.5.)

Really the only thing I can say is just hang in there! You're doing a great job!! =0)

Sounds pretty normal to me. They don't call it the "terrible twos" for nothing. Wait until the "Trying Threes"!

My son is very.... independant. SEVERELY independant even. If he can't do it or figure out how to do something. He gets MAD. I was like this. Who am I kidding? I'm still like this, but I'm old enough to know NOT to throw a tantrum and how to control myself. There are plenty of times that I have to stop him, set him down, and talk to him about calming down and why we must settle for a moment.

And you may think it's mean or cruel, but my son actually likes it and who am I to argue... For his 'running' tendancies in public, I have the monkey backpack with a tether. If he tells me that he's 'done with it'. I tell him that he either has that or he gets into the basket [if shopping]/stroller/stay in my sight. I also try to let him have his freedoms to some extent. I warn him that if he does this or that, he can get hurt and explain that we'll have to go to the hospital and see a Dr. If he continues and gets hurt, so be it. [within reason of course] i.e. climbing on a 2ft tall plastic picnic table.

ETA- My daughter is ADHD and my son is spirited without hyperactivity and can concentrate quite well on one thing. My daughter is spirited with hyperactivity and cannot concentrate on anything for any length of time.

I've been in your shoes. Our oldest has ADHD and not to scare you in any way, was just like that. I felt like the worst parent in the world because our son was off the charts in spiritedness, especially compared to other kids (who appeared to be on sedatives compared to him!).

My first words of experience here are not to beat yourself up. If you were a bad parent, you wouldn't be on here asking for advice.

Unfortunately, at his age, there's not much you can do but make sure you get breaks. Use drop-off daycare, rely on babysitters, friends and family. Do what you need to to give yourself periodic breaks to recharge. Dealing with a spirited child is 100x harder than a regular one (I speak from experience, having one of each).

I remember buying all of the "spirited child" books out there, but they just don't give much advice on dealing with a truly spirited toddler. I did try the Happiest Toddler on the Block book and remember our son looked at me like I was on drugs using those techniques. Needless to say, didn't work.

I highly encourage you to get those breaks in!
Hang in there!

You sound alot like me!!!
While I am still dealing w/ a lot of struggles with my now 3 year old, I clearly remember him doing the same things your son does. He would squish his hands into food, and then rub it in his hair. Or he'd smear it all over the high chair tray. Taking him shopping was huge chore, and most of the time I had no choice. He'd squirm to get out of the cart, then try to run all over the store! At the play ground he'd tear right up anything and act like he could conquer it all, I'd nearly have a heart attack lol.

The good new is that he's probably very smart. His little mind's working over time and the world is a constant flurry of new and exciting things that he wants to check out.

You're not alone. And I don't have a ton of advice for except that keep him busy, structured, maybe find a room in your house that's totally safe and fill with all kinds of stuff he can just go to town with. Boxes, plastic bowels, Large spoons, spatulas, balls whatever. Let him burn off energy but at the same time let him destroy and explore.

Hang in there! I know it's not easy.

You just have a spirited child. Your parenting does not suck. I also have a spirited child (she's 4 now) and I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone! I STRONGLY recomend getting "Raising Your Spirited Child". It is an amazing book that I have read and re-read. (I finally decided to highlight the important parts so I don't have to re-read the whole book when I'm in need of some inner zen!) The book introduced me to a whole new way of interacting with my kids and it has proven very successful. It also made me feel much better about myself as a parent and about my daughter and her spirit, which sounds like just what you need! Good luck!

Check out Sandi Schwartz, Parenting Guru - she has a website, radio show and I think she now offers online classes. I took a free parenting class at a local college that was priceless!! She is amazing. Here is her website:
http://www.sanditeaches.com/

My older son never did well at that age with restraint. Ya know like staying in a grocery cart and the like. What I found out though is he hated it enough that he followed my rules for freedom. So in the grocery store he was allowed to move about as long as I could still see him, as long as he didn't bring me every product he thought needed my consideration and that he never ran sending poor old people flying.

The obvious threat for lack of cooperation was, do you want to go back in the cart.

What I mean is they value their freedom and will comply with reasonable restrictions to keep that freedom. :) Oh and it gets easier as they get a bit older and more verbal.

Every kid is different. But what your describing sounds like an almost 2 year old who wants to do things himself. Without really having the ability both physically and mentally yet to do it.

There are things that can be done that will help both of you.

food wise. at that age they want to feed themselves. this is a blessing and a curse lol. feeding them gets it done faster. but they need to learn to do it themselves. feed him with a bowl or plate with a shallow edge so he can get the food up by scraping the spoon along the edge. give him age appropriate tableware. give him only 1 teaspoon full of whatever your giving him at a time. and at the first sign of messing take it away and say ok all done. put him down. it won't take many times of that till the messing stops.

behavior wise. the squirming and fussing in the cart. I would rather any day see that than having a kid running amok in the store. ignore it and move on.

the running away from you has to stop. he needs to understand that when you stay stop it means stop. this is a safety issue. I am not a believer in spanking but I can tell you that this is the only instance that a sharp crack on the behind is used in our home.

child proof your home and especially his room. there is nothing wrong with putting him in his room with a gate across for him to play while you make supper or change a load of laundry I don't know when this thing happened that your child had to be attached to your hip every waking minute. that is what creates kids who can't play alone. its not good for anyone

your a good mom or you wouldn't be worrying about this stuff. it does get easier.

I have a spirited child and I'm in over my head. Actually, I have two of them. my 1st born is almost two years old and my 2nd is almost 4 months. Not only are they both huge in size, but huge in personality and everything else. My toddler is exactly as you describe and right now I'm feeling especially challenged because I'm sleep deprived and have very little energy, patience and stamina to handle his behavior and neediness. I'm dealing with terrible twos, clingyness because of the new baby and spirited. I'm depressed because he hold me hostage. I want to spend time with him but if I do, it's not enough and I can't get a way. If I leave, then it just perpetuates and he feels he's not getting enough of me and it makes it worse. I need help badly... I'm looking for a support group in my area (Redondo Beach, CA) and workshops to help me strategize. Can anyone help me please?