Do I Need a Therapist?

I disagree with the advice to talk to your fiance about this. It will likely only crush him, and while you may feel momentarily unburdened, you will quickly regret hurting him. He doesn't deserve that.
I felt a lot like that about a guy I dated for about 5 years in my late 20's. We parted ways, he got married, then divorced. Then he called me. Yay! Finally the second chance I was "dreaming" of--guess what? I looked at him in a whole new light.
He was no longer the "perfect love" I remembered from past years.
He was just a guy.
Frankly, I left the date wondering why I had spent time pining for him, comparing others to his unrealistic memory. I had unfairly judged other guys against my unrealistic memory of him.
Your fiance is a real, live man with human characteristics.
Your ex is an "idea"....a "vapor" that can remain "perfect" in your mind.
That is just SO unfair to the REAL man you're living with everyday.
Get your mind right.
You probably don't need a therapist, but you do need to grow up a little.

The BF from your teen years represents...your teen years. The freedom you had then. First love, which is often so consuming, and does not often last.

Your fiance represents (for now) parenthood, stability, your child. Your lovely but no doubt exhausting child, who is a toddler, and who like all toddlers likely is a lot of work. Yes, you love him, but he is work. All children are.

Ask yourself: Do you really have a "terrible passion" for teen BF or for what he represents--carefree days, young love, no commitments other than to adoring him?

Do you really have a lack of love for your fiance as a person, or just a lack of love for what he represents--staying home, feeling tied down, seeing home/kids/routines as your future?

Please don't make the huge mistake of wasting your precious energy on fantasizing about a boyfriend you met when you were 15. Think about it: The thoughts you spend on this past BF are thoughts that could be full of cooking up fun things to do with your son and adventures to have with your fiance. Yes, there are adventures ahead -- if you plan them. You are now a parent and soon to be a wife and it's now about plans and not about teenage spur-of-the-moment "romantic" adventures. That's life.

I do really urge you to see a counselor or therapist. You are very wise to think about doing so already, so good for you -- you recognize already that this is a problem and you are already thinking about how to handle it like an adult! It's likely you may only need counseling or therapy for a short time to get you over this patch of focusing on the past where the grass, truly, is always greener. You need to refocus on your fiance -- he would do anything for you, remember -- and your son. You need to rejuvenate your love life with your fiance --which is totally doable. You need to communicate with him, too, and say that you feel like a mommy and not a woman, and you need his help to get past that. But yes, do get some counseling or therapy. Please don't spend your life thinking and wishing about what was or "what might have been if..." After all, if you and the teen years BF had gotten engaged and had a child, it's probable that you would be going through exactly the same thing with your feelings toward him.

Most of all-- please deal with this before you are married. Do not go through with a wedding until you have seen a professional. Ask if you and your fiance need couples counseling too, once you've started exploring your own issues solo. What you are feeling is VERY typical for young moms who are mourning the end of their days as a freer adult and looking at years of family obligation ahead. But those years will be beautiful with a supportive husband and the right attitude on your part. Do not be afraid to get help and be honest with a therapist! Please update us. I wish you the best!

Absolutely talk to a therapist if you feel you can't resolve this on your own. I'm older than you (45) and I can remember back to my high school boyfriend as well. I remember the feelings, the lack of responsibility I have now, working in the same restaurant and having so much fun together. That is the romantic version of the grass is greener. Really, you are living in the past and probably making it out to be more than it really is. Get the counseling if you need it to move on completely, pick a wedding date and completely move forward with your fiance and live your wonderful life!!

The guy you dated as a teenager was also a teenager, yes? He was a boy. A child just like you. That means he had a lot of growing up to do. The fact that your immature relationship was so on and off proves that both of you did and that the "love" and "passion" weren't as true as you're imagining them to be. You're remembering him without his flaws. You've trained yourself to think about him in a loving way, and when your other relationships aren't going well or have settled into a normal rhythm.

You have no idea what or who he is now. He could be worse than he was then, or he could have grown up, either way not being someone that would fit into your life in a meaningful way. But you're curious, and I think you're mistaking your curiosity for something more... for pining away for him.

This could also be a chicken and the egg situation, but you could also be thinking about this ex-boyfriend so much because you're having a low-spot in your current relationship. For a lot of women, that's when they start to think about past boyfriends or start to have affairs... when they're not happy in their current relationship. Except you need to know that when a relationship settles in, that passion isn't there all the time. That high passion can't be sustained constantly. Relationships like that have a fast burn-out and they're exhausting.

They're also not good for children to be around. Think about what's actually good for you and your child. Think about how to inject some passion into your current relationship. Reconnect with your fiance. Make the emotional investment. When you find yourself thinking about this childhood romance, make a real effort to stop and change your thinking to something else. Retrain your brain.

Seriously the chances of him being the same boy you liked way back when are long gone. He's older too, has some baggage he's probably picked up along the way. You are living in a little girls fantasy that is stuck in time. The events that led you to your now fiance and your wonderful son are all a part of your past. Smile at the memories and love the good man that you now have. A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.

I think you probably don't love him anymore since he's so long gone. There must be something about him (some way you felt or some quality he had) that you love and maybe don't see in your fiance. You need to figure out what it was about this old boyfriend that still makes you think about him today and then decide if that one thing is really that important compared to all of the good things that your fiance brings to the table.

Sometimes, too....I think we look back on old relationships and feel like you do not because that person was our "one true love" but because we were happier as a person where we were in life at that time. I've been with my husband for 10 years since I was 15 and I compare this in the same way - I thought our relationship was soooo good back then and we were so head over heels in love - but I think thats just because when you are young you think differently and life is easy and great. Now, we are adults and things are different. I still am most definitely in love with my husband, but no there are new qualities about our relationship that are important - such as stability, commitment, etc.

Evaluate your life where you are at and what you and your child needs from a man you will be in a relationship with.

And to answer your title question - we all need therapy :)

It would not be a bad idea to talk to a therapist. You have to remember that for many people (not everyone) you will always have a soft place for old loves... It's difficult to move on and totally forget about the good times. Just remember that there is a reason that you split up.

As for your current relationship... yes, things do turn a little more to a roomie situation at times. My husband and I deal with that on a regular basis, but it's something that needs to be worked on. The spark needs to flash again. You need to figure out how to do that... the two of you together.

Relationships are work and they are never like the movies... trust me... I am 40 and just figuring that out! :-)

Good luck.

Not sure what type of music you listen to, but there's a line in a song that carries the idea of: is it really him I'm missing, or is it my innocence?

Are you really missing your old BF, or the freedom you enjoyed at the time in your life when you were with him?

With a 20month old, a fiance, and I'm sure the run-of-the-mill living expenses and probably daily-grind job, life just isn't as fun as it was as a teenager and very young adult.

I get together with the group I used to hang out with in college and I have to laugh. We used to go to the bar every.night.of.the.week except Monday. We would drink some, tease each other some, spend time with the SO we were with at the time, play pool, video trivia, etc. We'd get together at a friend's pool and drink and BBQ and not worry about anything. We'd all pack up and head down to the lake to camp for a weekend of complete no responsibility.

Now we get together for 1st and 2nd birthday parties. There are always a smattering of kids. There's beer, but most people drink sodas, now. We talk about our jobs and families. We talk about kid's poop and sleep schedules. Everything is so much more serious now. We all enjoy it - but it's always funny to me to see this group now - to know how different we were 5-6 years ago.

You're spinning a fantasy in your head about your ex. You have this ideal image of him - and it's entirely possible he isn't anything like what you're imagining. And this fantasy is probably hurting your relationship with your fiance. If you can get past this ex, your relationship with your fiance will probably pick up more steam...

Maybe you need to talk to your fiance about doing more "fun" things. My daughter is coming up on a year and half and I'm definitely beginning to miss being able to just go and do, to take a quick trip with my husband, to do anything without the responsibility of planning for my daughter, as well.

(Don't get me wrong. I love my daughter more than anything, but she's getting a bit more independent - I'm just ready for a bit more "me" time - not a ton, just a little.)

Really think about what it is you really miss - him, or the carefree time in your life when you just happened to be with him?

Yes, couseling will help you to put things in perspective. And the best part, it won't be forever, just to help you sort out these feelings. I recommend a female therapist, BTW.

Also, wouldn't it be great to be 25 again - ah, the carefree days. Getting rides from boys in their cool cars, staying up late and not caring about being sleepy the next day, no worries, no responsibilities. Kind of the opposite of what you have now. It's probably not the guy you miss but your old carefree life. We all miss it. Some of us just need some help to push past it.

Good luck. You have a lot of good things going on - good things like love and happiness. You have more than most people do.

I could have wrote this. You need closure. I loved someone for a long time and when I met my husband I had to end that " desire " to think about the other guy . So we as a couple, tracked him down and I had closure. I had questions to ask and wanted to know his thoughts of things and wanted to ask for his blessing that I moved on. My husband was so supportive. It helped me move forward and it was the best thing I ever could do. I still wonder what life would be with that other person, but it is not my path.......... My husband is my path and we are very happy together. I think if your finace can be supportive too you to find closure...you should do that. It will heal your past so you can move towards your future.

You might need a therapist.

But what you really need? You already answered your own question - closure.

You need to tell your fiance how you are feeling - communication is key to ANY relationship.

You could be suffering from postpartum depression - it can stick around for YEARS if left untreated. People have this romantic notion about having a baby and it will make everything perfect and that's NOT reality.

I can tell you that you can NEVER go back. You have changed, he has changed and you just can't pick up where you left off. You two broke up for a reason. What was that reason? There are times in life when we put on our rose colored glasses and remember things differently because what we have in front of us is bothering us and it's easier to go back and remember that first love...I can tell you that it WILL NOT be what you remember it to be. Don't mean to burst your bubble but that is the truth.

You need to figure out what is missing in your current relationship. You need closure on your past one. You need to talk to your doctor and see if you have postpartum depression...I'm not a doctor, but it sure sounds like what you have.

You have a great man in front of you WITH YOU. COMMUNICATE with HIM about your needs. You say he will do anything for you - well, he can't read your mind so you need to TELL HIM.

After 14 years of marriage - I can tell you - there are times when my husband and I are like room mates, EVERY marriage (I know you are not married) oh heck EVERY RELATIONSHIP goes through ruts, ups and downs. Communication is the MAIN thing that will get you through it.

GOOD LUCK!

Hi A.,

You asked if counseling or therapy might be a good course for you. In my opinion, it sounds like you are considering it so that you can move forward in life, one way or the other.

A counselor can help you discern which things in your life are related to the lack of closure in regard to your former boyfriend, and which are related to present day dissatisfactions/disappointments. Sometimes, it's easy to impose this overwhelming focus on past events because there are things in our present situation which we are struggling with.

Past lovers can be a powerful distraction, much in the same way that some people have affairs, to focus their energies away from whatever underlying those troubled feelings.

I think your family (fiance and child and self) needs you to figure out what you want to do. It's easy to romanticize a past love, but there are usually good reasons why we stopped those relationships. Those reasons may become easy to forget, too, when the pressures and realities of everyday life with child and partner are demanding. Then idealization is easy.

Lots of us have been right where you are. Make the right choice for your family and yourself. No matter what hard stuff about your present relationship comes up during counseling, it will be better--and you will be better able to work on it with the suppport a counselor gives--than just hanging onto the past and living with the distractions and guilt you are feeling now.

I'd also be wary of telling your fiance about the reason for counseling which you've explained to us. A simple "I feel like I'm having a difficult time staying present and figuring out what I'm wanting for my life as a person and what I see for our family. I want to be a good mother and wife to you both." Something that spares his feelings will be better than spilling all the beans.

I had a first love/crush I was absolutely crazy about when I was about 15.
He did not feel the same way about me.
I felt destroyed when I learned about it and eventually I moved on.
He's happily married with children the next time zone over and we're both so happy in our separate lives.
I'll always have a fondness for him.
The thing is - I was more in love with the idea of being in love than I was with him.
I'd built up such a fantasy about him, he was never really the way I saw him, and it was that fantasy that I really loved.
Was he a nice guy? Sure! But he sure as heck didn't walk on water.
He's got warts, puts his pants on like everyone else, and can be darned irritating - if we had ended up together I'm fairly certain we'd have killed each other.
He was a friend along the way, but that time is past now and I'm happy about it.
My husband is the sweetest man alive and that old flame of mine is nothing compared to him.

Therapy may help, especially if you keep repeating unhealthy behaviors, which it sounds like you did because you kept going back to and leaving this first BF. You were breaking up for a reason - something was unhealthy and you know it. Now you are in a mature relationship, which can be boring in comparison to the young love and screwed up craziness that the first BF brought. Sometimes it's NOT passion - sometimes it's a really messed up jumble of emotions that are so big that we think it's passion. So talk to your doctor, and talk to a therapist. I don't know if you should talk to your fiance about this - I'd let him know you're depressed/stressed and you're going to talk to the doctor about it.

What do you feel like you need for closure?

I think is is normal to have a special place in your heart for the first person you were in love with. But that doesn't mean you were meant to be together in the long term. There was some reason you broke up, right? But it probably isn't worth messing up your current relationship (especially since you have a child). Also, having a baby adds a lot of stress and exhaustion to your relationship and sucks out a lot of the romance (or at least the time and energy for romance). For me I'd say it took around 2 years per kid to get back on track with having much time and energy for romance (in between we just made time where we could). Longing for a past relationship where you were in love and had less responsibility makes perfect sense.

So that brings me back to my first question. What do you need for closure? And how can you get it without messing up your current relationship? Talking to a therapist or writing in journal are options. Depending on how open you are with your fiance maybe you could talk to your ex--but I wouldn't do it if your fiance isn't comfortable with it.

Ok here's my advice. No judging here.

Try to remember the reasons you and your ex were OFF, not on. Think about the BAD things about him, because they probably haven't changed over the years even. History repeats itself, and if you DID see him, you would throw away this good relationship and return to the same on/off mess. Is that really what you want? You need closure in your MIND, but I warn you, I would NOT seek this guy out, and if you did run into him, turn and run the other way. You need to figure out your current relationship before you get into ANY sort of another one, especially a throwback one.

Maybe see a therapist, but focus on why 'there is no relationship' anymore with your fiance. Don't waste time trying to figure out this fantasy about your ex. That fantasy is a result of not having a good relationship with the man you are with right now.

Ha! I went through this too...exact same story! Mine was my first love from high school that I lost my viginity with. I ended up cheating on him and he found out and broke up with me and starting dating someone else right away for 4 years he was with her! I moved to California during my senior year in high school and kept in touch with him. I missed him terribly, dreamed about him, fantasized about marrying him, etc, etc. He would occasionally visit me in CA (from AZ) and when I was 21 he asked me to marry him. I said NO, and regretted my answer for so long. Then I met my husband now, maaaaaaany years later and he has similar qualities as My first love...and many more ;) I think you should a) track him down and see what he has going on, he probably feels the same way b) do not marry your fiancé any time soon c) write your feelings down...what would you say to him if you had the chance?

Look him up on Facebook or zabasearch...good luck! I hope you get what you're looking for :)

Maybe talking to a therapist might help, I am not sure but just wanted to have you think of your situation in a different light.
How was your relationship with your fiance before you had your baby? Are you sad that your relationship with him is not the same anymore, and is that why you are missing your ex. Or did you feel the same right from the time you started this new chapter of your life with your fiance?
My reason for asking this question is a LOT of things change once you have a baby. I have a 18 month old and my relationship with my husband is not the same as before we had our baby. Yes, we still love each other and we still share everything as we did before. But something is different. As you say, many times I do feel we are like room-mates. Taking care of a baby takes up all my time and energy. My priorities have changed. That doesn't mean I love my husband any less, just that I don't have time for him like I did before.It's way better now, the first year was far worse. Seems like you are in a similar situation. You seem to have a good relationship with your fiance, but it;s just not the same as before.
When you were with your ex you were a carefree teenager. maybe you miss those carefree days. If both of you could not be together inspite of all the freedom you had back then, just try and imagine if you could ever work it out with a baby in the picture. Maybe you could, maybe you couldn't. But now you have gone too far in your life to even think of going back and see what could have happened. If you both were meant to be, you wouldn't have parted ways. And you say you had a on/off relationship - that says a lot. It's ok to still care about him, but don't spoil your present for the unknown. Don't tell this to your fiance EVER, you may feel relieved to share this turmoil going inside your head but it's not fair to your fiance. He loves you, you love him and you have a baby together - you really have a good thing going on, try to make this work. Once you answer to yourself what you want in life, what your priorities are for you and your baby - that will be your closure. Just my 2 cents. Hope you can overcome these thougths and give yourself more for your family. If you think talking to a therapist can do it, no harm in trying. They will sure guide you in the right direction but in the end, it's all still upto you!

Leigh R- VERY well said!!!!!
I've been happily married for over 9 years. (I'm 33) I was very much in love with a guy that I dated on and OFF from 18-23 (then I got married at 24)... I still to this day, think about him.... I know he's not right for me, I know my husband is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING, but I always wondered "what if"... but that's where it stays.......

I think this is a two parter. You need to see someone for both isuues. Willing to bet they play into your unhappy feelings with your boyfriend.

I was the same way a long time ago. It all changed when he was killed by a drunk driver while sitting at a stop sign. Now it's another type of "love" that I have for him.