How Do I Get over This Already!

i would do a 'cutting the cord' ritual.
but then, i'm all about rituals. i think they help on a deep psychological level.
they don't FIX the problem. but they jumpstart the process.
khairete
S.

Updated

Watch the movie "13 Going on 30". This guy is Chris Crandie (or however his name is spelled.) You see him as the cool dude at the beginning of the movie, and then the taxi driver loser at the end. She threw money at him for the fare as he yelled out the window "I thought you wanted my phone number". It was a great realization for her how silly her teen fantasies were!

Dawn

I'll bet he's a fat, bald, unemployed, shiftless drunk who beats his wife on a daily basis!

I'm sorry A.. I think you're just at a place in your life where you're grasping for the YOU you used to be. I think it's LESS about the boy himself, and more about wanting to hold onto that part of your life.

Can you try to channel that restlessness into your BF? Can you focus on him, think about him the way it was in the begining, rev up the relationship you've got?

Least that's my take.

:)

I think you're just bored. You're nostalgic for that TIME, not necessarily that boy. Do something fun and adventurous with your family. Recreate that feeling with THEM. Be uninhibited, bring the spark back to your life. Be a kid again. Laugh. Get a sitter and have a great lovey dovey night with your boyfriend. We CAN control our feelings and mind. So. STOP IT with this dude.

To quote my response on another post, "Maybe the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence because that is where the leaky septic tank is buried.” I guarantee you, he's not as awesome as your imagination thinks he is.

It sounds like you never really got to mourn the ending of this relationship. It must have hurt terribly.

I would say if you have any memento's or memorabilia of this time then you could go off by yourself and have a little ceremony of sorts. Some would take the stuff and dig a little hole, bury it...some would burn it, maybe others would just throw it in the trash.

The thing is you need to do something that would symbolize the ending of that relationship. Then you would have to opportunity to mourn the loss and find some peace about it.

Talking to a therapist is like talking to yourself and hearing your conscience. It would be telling you how to go about this to feel peace. They would know how to help you. But I would try other ways of doing this first. That way you can be done with it without spending any money or further time dwelling on it. But if that doesn't work talking to someone for a few weeks may really help.

You were with this other guy when you were a child. Think about that. You were 15-17. I hope that you have grown and matured in that time. Neither of you are the same people. You are both adults with completely different lives now. You romanticize this relationship because it was your first. That's it. Plain and simple. Life is easy and fun when you are 15. No responsibilities, no kids, no mortgage, grocery store trips to make, bills to pay, diapers to change, sleepless nights. And part of you isn't seeing that even if you met up with this man again you would not have the same relationship.

You need to just let this go and busy your mind with the life you have that is real and true-with your little one and a wonderful partner. If you don't, you will destroy what you have that is real for a fantasy that doesn't exist.

Unless someone's been diagnosed with a mental issue, I am fully convinced that WE can control our behavior, NOT our behavior controls us. It's honestly a conscience decision we make to control what we do or don't do. Move on from your past and stop living in it. This is going to sound blount, but I would tell anyone I cared about to do the same. You are really toying with ruining your present life as well as causing problems for him. We all have past BFs but you move on after the break up. If you start thinking of him .. STOP and think about something else. If your mind wanders back to him, STOP it again.

Seriously? You were 15. Not even driving a car!

It's always easier to put a vapor on a pedestal than to focus on the real, live, breathing man in your bed and love him--warts and all.

If it's "in your head" it IS affecting your home life!

I think that when it comes to former relationships, such as the ones we had in our teens, we have to take accountability of our own thoughts and realize that we're making choices in what we allow ourselves to think about and obsess over. You have to retrain yourself to think about other more positive things such as your family. You have to make effort to move past the teen years of your life. You have to stop romanticizing a dysfunctional teen romance. I do think that some therapy would do you a lot of good in helping get over this guy. It would also help your non-marriage, because even though you think it's not affecting your non-marriage it likely is.

How would you feel if the man you have been involved with for the last seven years had a thing in his mind for one of his past love's. How would you feel if he was silently stalking a former love? How would you feel to discover he "will always have a love for his this love from the past and always reserved a place in his heart for her?"

You are treading on dangerous territory here.

If I were you I would get myself into counseling quick, fast and in a hurry. You are sabotaging your current relationship for some fantasy in your head about this teenaged boyfriend that left you for someone else.

It shouldn't be true that you "will always have a place in your heart for him." This isn't fair to the guy you are with.

Be single if you are in love with someone else. Or get a check over your thought life and stop stalking your ex, who by your own admission choose someone else.

This just isn't a healthy way of thinking or being for you, your child, your current boyfriend or your ex who by the way still isn't thinking about you.

My words may seem harsh but you must snap out of your fantasy land and into reality. Your reality the way I see it is in jeopardy because you don't even realize the impact of your fantasy life on your real life. Get some help for yourself so you can learn to love and live and enjoy your life and stop pining for someone that doesn't want and isn't thinking about you.

Ok Mama, it is time to give yourself permission to be happy. It is an illusion that he is the source of happiness. You, my dear are that source. Maybe your life lesson in all of this is learning to find contentment and joy in your life, even if it is Plan B. It is a choice. Decide not to feed the thoughts and feelings which are connected to this guy. Work on feeding the love and connection with the father of your baby. Learning to love his dad is a great gift to your baby boy and perhaps to yourself too. It is not so much who we are with that matters, as long as the person is good, but who we grow ourselves to be when we are with him.

Why aren't you married? I think after 7 years and a child, you would need something more permanent. Maybe if you had that, you wouldn't feel like you have this "what if" desire. All of us could sit down and ponder the "what ifs" and wonder about our first loves. But that isn't reality. TODAY is reality and you need to make the most of it WITH the family you have choosen. If indeed you are as happy as you say, I would start to put even more effort into it and even get married to make it official. Everytime you start to think about your old boyfriend, think about something great about your current boyfriend. Start to replace the old thoughts with new ones. Good luck.

There is no shame in talking to a therapist if that's what you need to move on with your life and remember what good you have.

I think that people are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Very few are "lifetime". Maybe he was in your life for a reason or season and that changed who you are and made you the partner and mother you are today. The problem with "what ifs" is you look back and always make the grass a little greener, the edges less sharp, etc. There's a reason you broke up and you need to remember that reason. There's a reason you got together with your BF and had a child with him, so remember that, too. If you think about him in a "I wish I were with him" kind of way, look at your relationship and think of ways to get what you miss from where you are. Do you miss HIM or do you miss that time in your life? You said that BF is wonderful. As corny as it might be, go get some paper and physically write down all the "wonderfuls" that you have in your life and relationship right now.

I actually had this same issue...and believe it or not I think a lot of women do. It's the "what if" sigh....I'm so grateful for facebook because I found mine and once I looked at him I was like oh okay no big loss. I think we do this for several reasons: things may appear to be great on the outside with your now relationship but there is something missing...maybe something your old BF did that made you feel really special. You are robbing your family. Your having a one way emotional affair and it isn't "fair" to your current relationship. I read a book call "Every woman's Battle" it was great! It's a christian book. But I learned just like men are visually stimulated women are fantasy stimulated. It can be controlled but it does take practice. For example I no longer read fantasy romance books...it's an unfair portrayal of relationships and made me think that is how someone who is "truly in love" should be. Which as we all know is bull! marriage is work! Try reading the book see if it helps. Good Luck!

I like Gamma's idea of having a ceremony to help put "him" in the past. I have done this before, when a very close and important friendship ended. When I ended my friendship with this person, it felt like I was consumed with thinking about what had gone wrong, what I could have done differently, had dreams about it even. I know it sounds weird, but I ended up throwing a picture of the two of us in a bonfire and tried to mentally put it behind me. I am not going to say that from that day forward, I never thought of her again, but it did help enormously. It was like mentally saying, "The end! Stop thinking about her already, it is over and is unfixable!"

I have had a few ended relationships that took me a long time to stop thinking about. I am happy to say that I have finally internally moved on. I will tell you that for me, any reminder of this person only opens it up for me to think about them/the failed relationship more. It helped enormously for me to get rid of photos, mementos, delete them from Facebook, and to commit not to look them up online. It further helped to move away from those people (not that it is always a feasible option!) and to establish new friendships and hobbies that fill my life.

I am positive that any counselor you see has heard much worse. Try not to be embarrassed. You owe it to yourself to have the peace that comes with letting go of this long-done relationship, and you owe it to your family as well. I think seeing a counselor would be a good idea.

Everything is meant to be and you werent meant to be together. You wouldnt have the gorgeous kid you have.
You have to be at peace with this.
The grass is not greener on the other side and there is a reason you guys broke up.
Its ok to think about him, even often if he was a big part of your life, but if you still want to be with him, well you have got to get over that. Shake it off! ;)

Exes are exes for a reason. Never forget that.

You and he didn't work and there was a reason for that. Get out a peice of paper and be honest with yourself. Write down what broke your relationship. Write down why he wasn't good for you and why you aren't good for him. Then put that paper aside.

Get another paper and write down why you married your husband. Write down why you are good for him, and why he's good for you. Write down everything you are thankful in your life. Write down why you are thankful for your husband.

Finally, pray. Pray and thank God that He, in His infinite wisdom, gave you a man who fits you...and gave your ex a woman who fits him. Pray for HER...that all of the things that didn't mesh for you and the ex...are perfectly matched for them. Pray that you stay strong and vigilant in keeping your marriage happy...and that you never think of your ex in any way but as a fond memory and with kindness towards his wife. You know you have no business snooping around in their personal information. Pray that God gives you the ability to choose rightly instead of taking advantage of your position (this is not judgement, dear...you know it's wrong....ask forgiveness and don't do it again).

Then, take that second paper home to your husband and show it to him. Tell him you were thinking of all the great things you love about him and being with him...and watch how his face lights up with love and appreciation for you.

Best,

C

ETA: Where is my attention to detail?! Out to lunch apparently. So you're not married. Okay. How about...GET married! :-)

I would suggest that you like the idea of your carefree youth, not necessarily this particular man (whoever he may have become in these past 7 years). We all have fond memories of our high school or college years, remembering young love and all the fun we had back in the day... especially when we compare it to the responsibilities and hard work that adulthood and parenthood bring. You just need to remind yourself that those days sure were fun, but that you can never go back to them. Let's just wildly imagine for a minute that you left your family and ran off with this guy (I'm not saying you or he would, just pretending here). Do you think that you would even still like him? You guys broke up for a reason when you were 17 or 18 or whatever it was! He's now a full grown man who probably leaves his stinky sweat socks on the bathroom floor, he doesn't change diapers, and spends all his free time down at the bar with the guys burping and farting and whatever guys do. I mean, I don't know, but just saying, the reality is very likely nothing like the fantasy! Nothing wrong with the fantasy though. Like I said, we all have our moments where we pine for the "good ol' days!" We remember the parties, not the hangovers, right? ;)

That being said, how about a little more excitement in your day to day life? Maybe you and your BF can schedule a date night, or maybe even a weekend away (leave the kiddo with the grandparents or something?). Grab onto your wonderful life with both hands and remind yourself why you've moved on to this life you're currently leading!

I don't mean this in anything but a kind way:
Please get counseling. You are in danger of treading down a road that will breakup your current (happy) life. A counselor can help you find the tools you need to work through this and, if needed, medication. Because 7 years thinking of an ex every single day and now digging up where he lives sounds like it's an obsession.

There is a very real place in my heart for my first love too. I will always love him, in a way.

That said, that place is a place of good memories and grace. We had a good thing while it lasted-- but it didn't last, and that's what matters. He taught me a lot, changed the course of my life in some ways, but the reality of the situation is this--

If we were together now, I'd probably hate him. Or have broken up with him a long, long time ago. Because I when I think of him now, I don't just focus on how special he made me feel or the warm-fuzzy times-- I also think about the things I chose to overlook at the time. His homophobia. His racism. Our very different goals and values.

There's a reason many of us are not with our 'first loves' any more. Or, there are many good reasons...

Go talk to someone. A counselor is a great idea. They've heard it all and understand the layers of conflict that thoughts like these can cause. Do the work you want to do on your own relationship. Figure out what you want for the future with the family you have now-- having a vision to get excited about can help a lot and give you new direction and focus. Good luck.

I think getting over things that touch our heart, take focus and work.
If you can, tune into Oprah's masterclass.. you can view it on the net.. Recently, she had Iyanla Vanzant on who discussed how we become addicted to our stories.... she had some good advice as to how to get unstuck in life.. check her out. it's ALL free... and I think many people have through what you are experiencing..

LOOK AT your current man. Could you imagine your life without him?? He has been good to you, and your child. What a blessing! :)

We all go through this...at some point of our lives. It doesn't go away, but just gets filed away. Talking with a counselor truly... helps give you ideas on how to get freedome from it. You are the only one who can release it, and at times like seeing the paperwork on his wife made you pick it up again.

talk to someone about it who will help you release him.

Aahhh, the one that got away! We all have someone like "him" in our lives.

Love is a tricky thing to begin with. Love the one you are with, forgive yourself, and remember that feelings for someone else, while valid and normal, isn't what will pay the bills, feed your family, take the family pictures, tuck your kids in at night and show love and affection to them at the end of the day.

Are you sure you are happy in the life you are living? I'm not saying that my hubby (of 17 years) and I don't think about the people we dated before eachother, but it isn't an everyday thing. We may see his ex walking down the street and he talks about her, or something will happen that reminds me of my ex & I will wonder if he's still living in TX somewhere (I ran into his mom about 10 yrs ago, was suprised she remembered me, but she did always love me & she told me he was living in TX) and how he is doing. But he was also willing to raise my 17 yr old as his if hubby didn't step-up and marry me, but hubby did step-up which I never though he wouldn't and we are still together.

That all being said... there is something that is unfinished in your relationship with the guy you keep thinking about. Until you figure out what it is you will keep being hunted by him. Sorry, but you need to figure it out cause you are being unfair to not just yourself, but also your child & his father. If you can't figure it out... I think you need to let your child's dad go because you will never be able to give him your heart fully! Which is why I didn't stay with the guy between my ex and my hubby, I couldn't stop thinking about my ex when I was with him... that is till I feel in love with my now hubby. It just might be that you really don't love you child's dad as much as you do your ex... so you haven't moved on.

There's an old proverb: "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."

Life isn't easy, so thinking it's not quite good enough is an easy habit to slide into. All of us play "what if", I imagine. No matter what we do, we wish we had done better, or done something else. No matter what we have, a little voice in our heads talks to us - if we let it - about what we *could* have - or might have had.

This is called a fantasy world. Fantasy can be fun in books. But if it replaces the real thing you'll find out quickly just what a fantasy it is! Some wit took that old proverb and rewrote it: "The grass that looks greener on the other side of the fence often turns out to be astroturf."

So can you try changing the pictures in your head? When you think about your ex, can you purposefully substitute your BF's head for your ex's head in your mental picture? When you think, "I wonder what Ex is doing?" deliberately think, "I'm glad I know what BF is doing!" This will take work on your part, because something inside you still wants to be a kid playing make believe.

Keep the TV off if your favorite shows encourage you to think the sort of thoughts you've been talking about.

Start a journal and write down everything *real* you're thankful for every day. Read it over and over. Add to it every time you think of something else. Putting it on paper makes it more solid.

When you're with your BF, really look at him, as if you were seeing him for the first time. Sometimes we take people for granted and get lazy. Focus on him. Think how great he is. Do the same thing with your baby. "What if" life doesn't stand a chance against what you have.

Don't settle for Wish City when the Real City is so good.

By the way, many people do what you're doing. A counselor would understand exactly what you're talking about.