I am 40 and married for 20 years and I have 4 children ages 12, 10, 6, and 17 months. After I had my 3rd child, my husband and I talked about having no more children and I made peace with it. I felt our family was complete. As my third child was nearing 5 years old, I was beginning to look forward to him starting school as then all my 3 children would be in school and I would be "free" to take college classes, maybe look into part time work, etc. I was looking forward to having "me" time. But as things unexpectedly happen in life, I found out I was pregnant with our fourth baby and it devastated me and the plans I had begun making for myself. I was unhappy about being pregnant. As I began praying for God to fill me with peace over the plans which I had no control over, I slowly began embracing my pregnancy and the fact that I was about to have another baby. My husband had hounded me after our 3rd child to get a vasectomy but I was happy with our method of birth control and deep down inside, though I knew I was done having children, I didn't want the option to have no more children be final. I believe in my heart I always wanted the option to change my mind to be an option ~even though I really didn't want to have more children, I wanted to have the right to change my mind. After I got pregnant with our 4th baby, I finally gave my husband my blessing to have the vasectomy. I was okay with it, I encouraged it. Now, our baby is 17 months old and I have these feelings about wanting another baby. I'm having regrets over the vasectomy. A friend of mine, her daughter just had a baby yesterday and I found myself crying over the pictures she was posting. There is a part of me that is wanting another baby. But my husband has a vasectomy and while I know they can be reversed, I also know there is a great expense that goes along with it. And reversals are not guaranteed.
So, I guess my question is if you had your tubes tied or had your husband get a vasectomy, have you ever had regrets over it? Was there ever a time when you thought you wanted more children or had thoughts or feelings like I am having? I love each of my children. I am so grateful and thankful for the 4th blessing that God surprised us with. She wasn't planned or expected and although my feelings were completely negative initially, I cannot imagine life without her and now I find myself wishing I could have another baby. I feel like slapping myself silly over these feelings because they really do not make sense to me.
For all of you who wrote such kind and encouraging words of support and understanding, thank you! Some of you touched on some things that are true: Yes, I am breastfeeding and my husband and my sister, who is an R.N., both suggested that these hyped up maternal cravings may be due to my breastfeeding and post pregnancy hormones. To an extent, that could explain my feelings. Another post wondered if I have a hobby and if I have given up on my dreams for my future. Yes, I do have hobbies...taking care of my children is my priority, however, and anything extra-curricular takes a back seat. It's the nature of having a large family. However, photography is my second passion and taking pictures of my babies is something I love to do...so yes, I do indulge in my "hobby." Right now my priority is my children and looking to the future for pursuing my dreams is on hold. I have no ill feelings about that at all. I LOVE being home full time to care for my children, and especially my 17 month old who is home with me all day, every day that her older siblings are in school. I couldn't wish for anything better, having her all to myself. The thought of grandchildren someday in the far away future brings a smile to my heart....but I am not counting down the days for that to happen. My oldest is 12. Need I say more?
I am grateful to those of you who could relate and identify what I'm feeling. That is exactly what I was looking for...to know that my feelings, which I have no control over, are normal and shared by others. Sometimes I think if my husband had not had the vasectomy, that I would not be feeling this way because of the issue of it being my decision to get pregnant or not. I don't know...and I suppose I'll never know now. After I had my third child and I knew we wouldn't be having more, I would be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me wishing or wondering what another baby would be like...but at that time, I pushed those thoughts out by convincing myself that we wouldn't have room for another child. But I DID get pregnant again and we DO have room and God has provided for our family in the most miraculous way. I am grateful for what I have, I really am. I know there are women who have struggled with conception and here I've been blessed with 4. Believe me, I thank God every day for what I have. I just cannot make this craving to have another child go away. I pray for God to fill my heart with peace over this. I just needed affirmation that I'm not alone feeling this way. Like one mother stated it best, I guess some of us are extra maternal. I guess that is me.
No, you will keep on having those feelings to some extent, but you do not have to keep on having children. That is what grandchildren are for.
I was told I could never have children.
I got my daughter, who was perfect in every way and I resolved myself to the fact I could not have more kids. However, that little feeling was still there. I wanted another baby. I endured surgeries and health issues and I was in complete shock when I found out I was pregnant after so many years. I had a terrible pregnancy, long story, but once my son was born and thankfully, healthy in every way, my mommy instinct kicked in to high gear and I let myself think that perhaps I could be on a roll. I wanted another baby right away.
It was not to be. I was back in the hospital before he was a year old and had no choice but to have a hysterectomy when he was 15 months. It was really h*** o* me except for the fact that after my hysterectomy, I felt so absolutely wonderful, healthwise. On one hand, if I'd known how much better I would feel, I would have done it years before. On the other hand, I wouldn't have had my son.
Once done was done, I resolved myself to it, but I would be lying if I didn't wish I could have had another baby. HOWEVER, I got TWO when they had told me I would have zero. I just had to count my blessings.
I think there is something biological that happens to women about wanting another baby. We are so in love with our little blessings that we want to go through it again, no matter how difficult the pregnancy and birth were. I mean, if we didn't experience that, heck.....women would never really put themselves through it more than once.
You have 4 children. You have been SUPER blessed! I think the feelings you are having are normal as long as you don't obsess over it. There's no reason to put yourself through that.
Like I said, after my son was born, I was hoping I could be on a roll and have more. It wasn't meant to be. I am actually fine with it and now have a very beautiful grandson. My oldest child is 26. My youngest 17 years old.
I still get little pangs, but at my age, I've moved on to a different phase of my life and it's been a pretty beautiful thing.
Best wishes.
I think sometimes you want what you can't have...or what would be difficult to have. You have 4 healthy children and are of advance maternal age. Although woman have children in their 40's it does not come without risk. Try to focus on what you have versus what you can't have. Don't let yourself go there with a fantasy of what could be.
On a side note do you have a hobby? Find fulfillment within yourself and you will be happy.
(my only son passed away as an infant. I have learned to not let my thoughts go to places that make me question myself, my life, my decisions etc.).
I'm totally glad I ran across your post...
I too have 4 children and thought that 3 was it for me... And that I would finally have "me time". But, God had other plans... And baby number 4 was born April 4th of this year. I had all the same feelings you had about the pregnancy ( it was as if I wrote this post...lol ) my husband and I were also thinking about a permanent fix... And are still trying to decide. Thank you for posting this! I wish I had some advice :(
Every woman is different and we want different things for different reasons. I really couldn't say why you feel the way you do, it almost sounds hormonal. You seem extremely sentimental....you want another baby because your friends daughter had a baby....???? When I got pregnant with my youngest, who was a c-section, I had my tubes tied. For as much as I wanted 4 or more kids, the reality is that I would not be able to afford them. Perhaps you are feeling this way because your option has been taken away. As you said you always wanted the choice and now you don't have it. Perhaps you need to ask yourself why, you want/need another baby?Did you stop making plans for yourself as an individual? Did you give up your ideasabout part time work, college classes? Why?? Why did you stop thinking about "me" time? Be honest with yourself and maybe you will come to a conclusion. I think we have all been at this fork in our paths, but have eventually put it in perspective, acknowledged the reality of our situations and ultimately made peace with the decision we made. Good luck.
We can control our feelings. My fertile years were during the time in which being unmarried and pregnant was looked down on. Still I spent years wishing for a baby. The more I thought about wanting a baby the more I wanted a baby. Eventually I learned to acknowledge my feelings while consciously thinking about the reality of the situation and accepting that I was not going to have a baby. I then mourned the loss. To put simply I talked myself out of spending time wishing for what I couldn't have. I still felt sad at times but I didn't dwell on wanting a baby.
Eventually I adopted an older child. Now I'm a grandmother and thoroughly enjoying my grandchildren. You will have a second chance with babies. I suggest you look forward to that and let go of looking back at what cannot be changed.
When my husband had a vasectomy, he came out and said, "I feel like I just had an abortion." Knowing that you will never have another child (menopause does that too), is kind of sad.
But, you have 4 kids and, no offense to people with more than 4 kids, with each kid you have, the less attention you can give to each of them.
Enjoy your 4 kids. Someday in the probably not too distant future you will be a grandma, and you can have babies again that way.
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I have 2 kids who are 4 years apart.
I think about having more.
But rationally, I will not.
2 is enough for me.
But it is a rite of passage for the Mom... to see your last child grow up, and not be a baby anymore and miss that.
But for me, I know that is just heart twangs. Not what I actually want to do.
I just get a bit forlorn, as I see my last child, growing up. And know, that this is my last child.
And I need to adjust to that.
I told my son, my youngest, "I don't want you to grow up!" And he told me "I know Mommy, but I have to grow up!"
He is my last child... and having more would be so adorable. Just like my two I have. But I know, my 2 kids, are enough for me.
The feelings come and go, wax and wane, I have found. When my kids are sick, there is NO WAY I want another child. Especially when it's a stomach bug, which I absolutely HATE with a passion. When I get home from work at 5, the house is in chaos, someone is melting down, my oldest has homework, my husband is stressed from his own job, I sometimes imagine how extra stressful it would be with a third child who needs attention and might be going through his/her own tough day. Then I'm somewhat happy I only have two.
But, the rest of the time, yes, I get what you are saying and I'm in the same boat. I had my tubes tied when I was 33, sure I was done. I was in a different place altogether as a woman and a mom, and I regretted the decision two years later. My husband and I have since tried 3 rounds of IVF, put ourselves in some debt, and have no third baby. So that tells you the level on which I regretted the decision. I have beaten myself up, been in therapy for two years now, gone through a serious bout with depression, all as a result of this. I am with you - I wonder if I hadn't had the TL, if I'd say I was fine with two kids, simply because in the back of my mind I knew I "could" have another if we chose to. Having that choice taken away, and from my own doing, has been brutal to live with.
Currently, I have rediscovered that I am a pretty damn good runner, and have been training for a half marathon and running with a new friend who has helped the healing process. I have lost the weight I gained from all the fertility treatments and the not-so-great eating I was doing when I was depressed. I see my therapist twice a month rather than every week. But I have also made some bad choices as of late, like seeking comfort in a male friend at work, not my husband, when my husband and I were having a rough time of it a few months ago. So I still fear I am not okay with all of this. I'm not sure what the future holds for us in terms of our family. I just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel! I don't think these feelings will ever totally go away.
My husband had a vasectomy and I regret it every day. We had just had our youngest and he kept saying he wanted one, he thought it was best, blah blah blah. I would try to explain to him that while I wasn't sure if we should have another one, I wanted to leave our options open. He was adamant and wouldn't listen to me, so I finally said fine, go get the vasectomy. I went into the doctor and said yes, let him get it, it's what he wants. (It's his body and I have no right to tell him what he can and can't do with his body.)
I still regret it to this day. I wish we had another one and I can't stop this feeling in my body that I'm meant to have another one. He knows how I feel and we've talked about things, but it never changes. I know I should be happy with my bakery and that my kids are growing up and don't need me as much.
I guess what my babbling is getting at is this: You're not alone. I know what you're feeling. The desire to have another child, and part of you that tries to think about how great it is/will be when they're older and you can have more freedom. *hugs*
I think the most telling sentence in your whole post and so what happened is "it being my decision to get pregnant or not". I think this is more about not having the power to make the decision rather than being "more maternal".
I had a tubal after my last one and NEVER regretted it, even though my husband and I had talked about having 4 kids (we ended up with 3). Pregnancy isn't my friend and I NEVER want to do that again. If I got pregnant again now I'd be at the doctors office yesterday to end the pregnancy. I get my baby fixes by holding and/or babysitting OTHER people's babies :) And my kids are now 14, 17 and 19 ... grandchildren are still a few years away ... but I'm happy to wait for those :) I'm actually looking forward to the empty nest and have already told my kids my plans for their bedrooms once they finally move out ROFL
If you AND your hubby want more there is always the option of adopting or fostering. There are half a MILLION children in foster care in this country who would love a permanent home. Just something to think about ... BUT both you and hubby have to be completely on board with it.
I am 41 and after my 3rd I knew I was done. I had the Essure procedure done this summer. My youngest is 3 and I don't have those maternal feelings. When I see little babies I feel happy that I don't have one. When I see pregnant women I want to jump up and down and announce to the world the happiness I feel for not being pregnant LOL.
Don't get me wrong I love seeing babies and holding them and handing them back to their moms when they cry/poop/wiggle etc. :)
It's prob. hormonal for you. Your hormones are kicked in with all those baby/toddler phermones going around your house. Are you still nursing? That could make a difference too.
Every 2 years... Like clockwork. Schtupid hormones.
In my own life, it's been REALLY easy to differentiate 'baby-cravings' with wanting to add a CHILD (or children) to our family... Because I was married to a jerk. No Sane person would want my ex-husband to be a father to more children. And I compliment myself in assuming I'm sane. I WOULD, in another life, liked to have had between 5-10 kids. I LOVE kids, and love being Mom, and quite frankly, showing kids the world is my FAVORITE adventure. Such a blast! So I do and have wanted more kids. But I did NOT want my husband to be their father.
THEN, I can take those rational longings and 'Heck no!' Responses to those longings and put them side by side the every 2 year 'Baby! Baby! Baby! Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby!!!!!!!!' Cravings... And the difference is night and day.
Another spirit to show the world / adult to raise up vs Widdle TOES, and snuggles, and new baby smell, and wookit!!! And pure love. And bouncing . And Widdle.....
You get the drift.
At 17mo, for ME that's dead on for my every 2 year craving schedule. Each period lasts for about 6mo. First one I suffered through. 2nd one I got a puppy (GREAT fix, btw. Infancy to grade-school type maturity in 6mo, AND you can crate them instead if hiring a sitter!). 3rd one I did a part time nanny gig for. 4th one my son was inpatient off and on for the whole 6mo (feb to June). Double whammy in needing to care for him at an infancy level PLUS getting to be with and help my friend's w their sick kids (hospital friends). 5th one ill probably get another puppy.
What's nice, now, is that I'm divorced. So there is very little risk (celibacy will do that)... Of having a baby from hormonal cravings instead of conscience choice.
My mum says the cravings never go. Not even at menopause, although they're not as strong. BUT that the nice thing is that Grandkids scratch the itch. Helps to explain crazy MILs and Grandmother's though... Who are SO intent on when-when-when. Same cravings we have, but no ability to see them through.
I'm 41 and my kids are almost 15, 11 and almost 10. Every few months, I see a baby and think (for a fleeting second) "what would it be like if I had another baby?" Then that feeling goes away and I think "OMG! Thank goodness my kids are all older. I LOVE my life now! A new baby - starting ALL OVER - would be just AWFUL!".
So yeah, although my maternal feelings for my existing children is in full swing and won't EVER go away, any feelings of having another baby goes away *real* fast. I simply cannot even imagine having to start all over again at this point in my life...I would be devastated, quite frankly.
