Do You Have a Strained Relationship with Your Parent?

Your father - after all this time - is still acting like a child - and it's not your job to raise him.
At this date and his age - I seriously doubt he has the ability to grow up.
If that was all there was to it, sure, go ahead and talk to him every so often.
But he is too much of a child himself in order to have empathy for anyone else let alone his own grandson.
You're a parent now - and in most cases that makes you grow up in ways that are pretty good for you - too bad that never happened for your Dad.
Since you are raising your son - it's totally alright to cut off relations with your Dad.
(In your Dad's world, I wouldn't be surprised if your Dad feels annoyed at the competition for attention your son is providing.)
Your Dad can't/shouldn't be the center of your universe.
Just let go of any feelings of guilt - you have no reason to feel any.
Get some therapy if you need to but it's time to leave your Dad behind.

sounds like stepping away is a survival tactic, and a necessary one. sometimes we need distance in order to sort things out, especially with someone we know we SHOULD be close to. the only thing harder to lose than a child is a parent.
maybe if you get some time to work through your own issues with him you can go back at some point with clear boundaries set, and a realistic expectation of who he is, and develop a sufficiently nuanced stance with him to have some sort of relationship.
maybe not.
dads are precious, and i'm sorry you didn't luck out with yours. protect yourself and your child first, and see if you can create some sort of contact down the road, but on your terms.
khairete
S.

I'm 100% with B. I'd get some therapy as well for yourself and so you can better help your son. I can't imagine anyone not feeling the same way you do so please be easy on yourself. Surround yourself with supportive people!! Cyber hugs...!

Hi Busy,

I can relate. At the risk of sounding dismissive, if I were in your shoes, I would ask this question::: Do you miss HIM or do you miss the IDEA of having a dad in your life? When people are no longer active in our lives, we can often idealize things. Not the specific person so much, but the idea of having that relationship. Toxicity is toxicity though and you have every right to establish and maintain healthy boundaries for yourself and for your son. In fact, it's imperative that you do so for your son, as he shouldn't be expected to do so for himself. I am sorry you're going through this situation and I know how it feels to be estranged from family, it can be heartbreaking but if it's for the best at the end of the day you'll know it from the inside out. S.

I can relate. There is no easy solution to this issue but it sounds like you've made a decision and I think you've done it thoughtfully. My dad was an alcoholic all my life. When I got pregnant with my first child I realized that I had to stop rescuing him and I decided to stop talking to him after a particularly upsetting incident. It was pretty awful and there was lots of ebb and flow in only just a few weeks. Unfortunately, just a couple weeks after our "incident" my dad fell, broke his hip and was admitted to the hospital. His body was so weak from the alcohol (and other problems that stemmed from it) that he died 2 weeks later. I can tell you my feelings STILL ebb and flow (it's been just over 8 years) and of course I wish things were different, had been different, still were different, etc. But...I don't think that I exactly regret cutting him off. I still feel like I made the best decision I could at the time. I DO wish that I had done some things differently, but I don't regret putting myself, my baby, and my marriage first. I miss my dad a lot...but the truth of the matter is I miss who I wanted him to be, who he could have been, but not who he was at the time of his death and if he were still here today I think he'd still be an alcoholic who disappointed me and made me feel bad and our relationship probably wouldn't have gotten any/much better.

So I know your dad isn't exactly like mine but your feelings seem pretty normal. At some point you may wish to try again with your dad and it might be different...and it might not. But at the end of the day, all you can really do is what you think is best and what is most helpful for yourself.

Wow some great advice below.
Can't really add to it - but both my husband and I have been through this. We both had to do soul searching/therapy on our own. I think that's crucial. If you've been hurt or disappointed, you have to let go of that before you can form a new relationship. I had to let go of the idea that my mom wasn't who I wanted/needed her to be - and once I did, I realized I like the person she is. She's more of a mentor in my life than a mother. She's a tough cookie (due to circumstances in her own life) and I'm a huge softie. Sometimes tough love was a bit hard and I was hurt. She never intended to hurt me. So I took time to heal my wounds, and she was there as just who she was when I was ready to resume a new kind of relationship.

My husband has tried this with his mother. It hasn't really worked. My mom was open to hearing what I had to say. She allowed me to say how I felt hurt. She then could say - you know what? I'm human. I was going through stuff myself, and I did the best I could. So I could forgive her and move on. My husband's mom is not open to listening. She will not accept any responsibility. So .. they are stuck.

So he does what his counsellor suggested. Boundaries. He will not be able to repair or form a new relationship with is mother. She will not accept responsibility for any part of it. The thing is, my husband knows his mom loves him - probably more than anything. That she never intended to hurt him. In his case, she is needy and much more the child in the relationship. So she's not really mature enough to get any of this.

It is what it is. It's unfortunate, but he's moved on. Her ... not so much. She hangs on to past hurts. She could benefit from counselling. People really have to do some healing on their own before they can form healthy attachments. Until you do, you bring all that hurt with you and that leads to more disappointments.

Good luck to you - I know it's hard - sometimes writing how you feel in a letter can be helpful. You don't have to mail it. It just feels good to get it out.

No matter what happens our parents are still our parents and we look for that relationship. In your case you are looking for your dad to be a person he is unable to be and you are questioning yourself in your decision. Please don't do that. Your son is your highest priority right now and separating yourself from someone who isn't emotionally supporting you is the right decision.

Think about a couple therapy sessions to help work through your feelings. You may want to reconnect with your dad in a way that you are comfortable with. Or not. But know that you are not wrong from distancing yourself from him.

I've been where you are. You can't control another person. You can only control yourself. Let dad be himself without your expectations of him. He is who he is and he is old enough to be your father and is your father so why not just accept him for who he is while making peace for all of the wonderful things he isn't.

Both of my parents are dead. My dad died May 2015. He suffered all my life with mental illness. As a child I had no say and had to make the best of a bad situation with him. Through my teen years, it was rough and tough (I didn't speak to him from 16 to 17). Eventually I forgave him and began to speak with him again but it was a very strained relationship. In my 20's he was only on the fringes of my life and this was okay with me for that time. In my 30's since I was a fully grown adult I was able to express myself and my feelings in ways that adults do and also limit time with him when he became more than I could handle. My father's games of emotional blackmail were put into proper place and not tolerated any longer.

After my mother died in 2011, I spent more time with my dad since he was the only parent I had left. I have no regrets with my mom or my dad even though my dad NEVER knew my address. We had the best relationship we could have and he wasn't perfect but neither was I and it's fine.

Get counseling so you can separate your dad's issues from yours and possibly find a healthy way of having a relationship with him on your terms without feeding his crazy.

I was estranged from my mom for 3 years. I was finally out of the home at 19 and free to make that decision for myself. She was abusive my entire life and I didn't/don't regret my choice. I didn't miss her, I didn't think about her. I felt liberated. We reconnected after she got help and took responsibility for what she did. She's spent the last 11 years trying to make up for everything and we are very close but I don't regret our 3 years apart.

I really can relate. It hurts like a wound that opens up then scabs again.
My problem here is basically my mother. I have stepped away from her off and on and it is actually because of her loyalty to one of our sisters who is a complete bully. Over the years my mother has deffered to her for everything because of this.Went to her house all the time, did everything with her. My one sister didn't go to my son's wedding so my mother changed her mind and she didn't go. Ouch. My sister is a person none of us can really deal with and has separated our mother from all (large family) She recently put my mother in assisted living. Now my mother sees the truth and angry at her after all these years.She is there and cannot leave.Lockedin. None of us were left with any other options she simply took over. And could legally because of my mother's earlier choices and dependency on her. In some ways it isn't completely the sister's fault. My mother- before her condition began to escalate (memory loss dementia, etc) was a very narcissistic person. And she divorced my father and wanted us to share in the hatred. I can feel my blood boil as I write this remembering how this sister stepped in to join in the hate. I could type pages explaining and I guess although my emotions were in check I can see my writing is terrible. . This One sister has divided other brothers and sisters so much we had to make a definite decision to make in order to protect ourselves to stay away. We go see our mother when this sister isn't around. And I saw my father throughout the years and enjoyed him before he passed away. I have the same ebb and flow feelings about my mother. I love her because she is my mother, and am confronting the reality that she will pass away in the next few years to come. But I cannot handle the roller coaster of emotions she and my sister have put me on healthwise or emotionally. Wow, thanks for asking that question. i just had a good vent.

My dad died in 1980 so I didn't really have time to develop a relationship with him as an adult. Just as an abused kid.

My mom? I avoided her and she has passed on now, I didn't even shed a tear. I called her and she called me, I was closer to her than my brother or sister. But I didn't like her as a person. If she had been my neighbor instead I would have been friendly but not a friend....I wouldn't have invited her to go places with me and hang out, I'd have asked if she wanted to ride to the grocery store with me maybe once or twice per month, stuff like that. I'd have checked on her in bad weather, made sure she had food if she'd been sick, ran my lawnmower over her front yard if it was getting high (IF she wasn't a crazy person and told me not to be on her grass), and I would have been a good neighbor if possible.

But I wouldn't have moved away if I didn't like her, I'd have avoided her.

Now, if I was my daughter's neighbor.....even if I was living in my dream home I'm not sure I wouldn't pack it all in and move.

We all have different relationships with our family. We can look at them as an individual, without the baggage from our childhood once we're all adults, and find that we have empathy and can care for them as themselves and not the parent or we can see that as a person they are seriously lacking and we don't have any interest in being friends with them.

That's okay. As a parent/family member they deserve a respectful interaction but that's it. In a group anyway. In individual interactions you are their child and free to say what you need to say and be how you want to be with them.

I hope this isn't too....weird sounding. It seems jumbled to me but the words aren't working right for me this morning.

I have a strained relationship with my dad, too. Actually it's more like having no relationship. My parents are also divorced and have been for almost as long as yours have. To make the long story short, for my dad, divorcing my mom also equaled divorcing my sister and me. I was and still am disgusted by what he's done/not done. He will, on occasion, text me, "happy birthday" or "merry Christmas." I'll respond with a short "thank you" or "merry Christmas." When he attempts to reach out, I'm cordial, but that's it. I don't initiate contact with him. With my dad, I don't find my feelings ebb and flow or feel I'm setting too much of a boundary. I do wish I had a "normal" dad, but that's just not the reality for me and I accept that.

I think that many people misunderstand the parent/child relationship as it may pertain to each person. I would be willing to bet the farm that your dad's parents weren't "buddies" with your dad. I would be willing to also bet that extremely personal and private information was not shared between your dad and his parents. I would ALSO be willing to bet that months went by with no communication - mostly due to the types of communication being a little more archaic than they are today.

Your parents, my parents, most parents of folks our age were raised in an environment where there wasn't this ability to have constant contact with kids and grandkids. They were lucky to see them on holidays if they moved away and started their own life - which mostly they did at age 18 (or younger). Unless there was farm work, nobody hung around at home until their 20s (or 30s) living off their parents, watching TV and playing video games. Your dad didn't expect his parents to be involved in grandkids sports, piano recitals, etc.

Your dad, my mom, other parents of our parents' age were simply not trained to do what we "expect" them to do. They are floundering in a world they do not understand. One where their kids expect them to do so much more than they ever could master.

Try setting the bar lower. Try looking at what your dad CAN do rather than what he cannot do. Try looking at the skills that he was given by his own parents and see if you are simply expecting too much of him. What if you only expected of him what he could actually do? What would your relationship be like then?

I can definitely relate. My relationship with my mother was on and off for many years. She too hurt me beyond belief. I shared some very deep, intimate feelings with her which she then broadcast to my younger sister who then posted it on social media! It took a long time before I could even look at my mother again. After that, the relationship was strained until the day she died last July. We did, however, have what I call a "surface" relationship after that. I did call her, stopped by, etc., but never confided anything of any importance to her. I missed being able to talk to her on that deep level, but I had to keep that boundary for my own sake, sanity and other relationships.

It's hard, but I was glad that I at least had that "surface" relationship with her when she passed. After my father died in 2002, I realized how important it was to say what you had to say to people so I had already told my mother many things that I wanted her to know, for example, how much I treasured her and how much I appreciated all the sacrifices and life lessons she taught us. I at least don't have to regret never saying those things to her.

So, think about how you want things left when he passes and go from there. Do what you need to do for YOU, not for him.