Do You Have to Keep Track of Everything on the Calendar for Your Husband?

We worked as a team and with each other. We actually worked alongside each other over 10 years with our company.

We sent invites with appointments via email that also went to our phones.

When our daughter was younger, I had dry erase calendars on the fridge with the weekly schedule,

No I didn't have to mother my husband. He was a driven man who managed his own business and family business. If all the travel he did, he never missed a ballgame or performance for our daughter and I never had to remind him of things.

Some people are just natural planners whereas others are not. My family is huge on planning and we communicated very well.

Even after husband's sudden death, my daughter and I plan. She's lived on her own since high school graduation in 2013 and is going to college. We still chat daily and talk about schedules.

Keep in mind that my answer is only about calendars and related communication, without any of your history or other issues that may exist.

My husband and I have linked access to Google Calendar. I do make the majority of entries because organization is my skill, but he also adds things. We do not send 'evites'. That is not a good way to keep up to date on things. You guys need a SHARED personal calendar, even if you're the only one adding things to it. (My husband also has a work-only calendar.)

We still need to verbally discuss schedule on occasion. This morning he asked, "Do we have anything going on today?" I was sitting right there next to him so saying "Check your calendar." would be snotty. Besides which, do you really want him NOT talking to you and instead putting his attention on his phone or computer? That's the beginning of the end of a relationship.

Flipped around, I sometimes ask him, "Do you have ____ tonight?" because I don't remember at that very moment. I am more likely to remember the things I add, and he is more likely to remember the things he has added. If he was a snot and told me to check my calendar, I'd be pissed.

Added: We also have a dry-erase monthly calendar on our fridge that is used to keep track of kid and school related things. Everyone in the house can easily see this every day.

I do not do this with my husband. I have friends who do. It's not our marriage style - my friends who do this tend to run the household. My husband and I are more of a team. I don't want to mother him, so I never have. He does not want me to be his personal secretary, nor his mother, so he's never asked me to.

I do write things on our huge family calendar in our kitchen - he does also.

My personal thought is - if you don't want to feel you're the mail/personal assistant - then don't be. You can't change him - just you.

The not talking to you the entire day is very passive aggressive, and childish, in my opinion. I don't reward behavior like that - I'd just focus on myself and kids and ignore it.

You need to tell him that once it's on the calendar, he doesn't need to talk to you about it. If he is so lazy that he can't go look at his calendar, then he's being an a-hole and you shouldn't put up with it. Tell him that it's enough that you manage the calendar for him. You will not be his secretary OR his mother. And then walk out of the room and refuse to engage further.

If he doesn't show up, it's his fault. Say NOTHING if he doesn't show up. He is fighting you to continue to get what he wants. Put up with the silent treatment and don't care about it. He has to learn this lesson.

I think you just have to remember that no matter how good the relationship is, no matter how close the two of you are, there's bound to be a thing or two to he does that just makes you shake your head in disbelief.

My husband definitely has his quirks. Most nights we watch a little TV together before we go to bed and he has this bizarre habit of taking his socks off and just leaving them on the living floor. Is it really that hard to put them in the hamper? this used to really angry at me, but I try to keep it in perspective and remember that it doesn't take that much effort for me to pick them up and put them in the hamper. I know that I have just as many stupid quirks as he does.

Your husband is perfectly capable of keeping his own calendar, but in the end is it really that big a deal? I guess only you can decide, but when I think about some of my husbands shortcomings, they pale in comparison to the amazing person he is to me and the kids.

When my ex and I were married, I maintained a large wall calendar and I added 99% of the appointments on it. When he started coaching, he started to link to the team calendars on his phone and was good about checking those but didn't bother with dentist appointments, knowing when the school concert is, etc. I was very much the secretary. It was pretty annoying.

Now that we live in separate houses but still parent together, we share access to each others' Google calendars. We each link our views to the kids' sports calendars that are online and if a calendar isn't online, we divvy up who will enter the games and practices so that we're both not doing manual data entry of the same appointments and seeing duplicates. I also link the school and district calendars and if there is something important in there like a concert or awards night, I'll copy the link to my calendar so that he can see it. He's still not awesome about the calendar, but I refer back to it constantly. If he's supposed to have the kids but made plans to go out, I'll go "the calendar says they're with you, I have plans that are on the calendar, so you'll have to cancel or find a sitter." And he does. Or if he planned to bring them to an event but didn't put it on the calendar and the kids already have plans to do something else, too bad for him. I try to be reasonably flexible but if there is a conflict, the calendar rules. And if he messages or calls me to ask about something, I refer him back to the calendar. It has taken quite a bit of training, but he's much better than he was when we were married.

So...I think that the dynamic that you have is common, but it's not necessarily healthy and there is no need for it. Men are perfectly capable of reading and maintaining a calendar if they have to. I would stop with the reminders if I were you. Perhaps if he misses out on his family life a few times and the kids ask where he was or why he wasn't there, he'll start to take some ownership of this.

We always had a master calendar on the fridge. Every year on New Year's Day, I sat and watched the Rose Parade and then entered in the birthdays and anniversaries during the commercials. It worked fine although it got to be annoying if my husband was upstairs in the office and needed to know what was going on before making an appointment. I took charge of this which I think helped me maintain some control over what was happening (he usually set up things with his kids - my step kinds - but didn't always communicate well or at the right time). But I also think it enabled him too much and made me the bad guy if something got forgotten.

Last year, while living here between apartment, our son set up a couple of iCal calendars (one for "family" which included him), 1 for work and 1 for "home" (just my husband and me). It took a little getting used to, but now it's the only way to live! We can enter things on our phones if we're away from home (important for me because I do some tutoring off-site) and then it all syncs with the computers. It also allows the option of "travel time" and a couple of "alerts" (there are some pre-set options but you can customize it too). After our son moved out, we cut down to just one car, so it does matter if people cross-schedule sometimes! So this made things much easier to manage. I usually put in a prompt the day before and 2 hours before it's time to leave, but that varies depending on the distance. For birthdays or other things that require buying/sending cards, I usually put in a prompt 1 week ahead. No more excuses.

If I were you, I'd use this instead of the added step of sending your husband an evite. If he thinks you're in charge of the calendar, he probably also thinks you're in charge of the RSVPs and the reminders too. So shift it so that he gets an "anonymous" electronic reminder instead of what he perceives as a wifely nag, and if he asks you when something is, say he should check the calendar. No more verbal reminders. Honestly, if he's not ready when it's time to go, go without him. He only has to miss a couple of kids' games/concerts before the kids ask him what his deal is, and you only have to go to a party alone once or twice before your husband has to admit he's not a child anymore. There's no way your kids are going to get through middle and high school assignments and activities with you in charge of reminding them all the time, so you can tell your husband you're setting a better example of everyone being in charge of their own stuff and their own time management. Don't yell - as much as you want to and as much as he may deserve it - because it stresses you out and it lets him turn YOU into the problem instead of dealing with it. Talk calmly, as if you aren't invested in whether he attends something or not. If he gripes about it, remind him it's all within his control and that you are not going to fight about it.

We order some things every month, and my husband used to change his mind about what he wanted or use things up at a greater rate and then be annoyed that we were out of something. I put him in charge of ordering, and it's gone much smoother. He normally does a ton of stuff around the house and we don't split things by gender roles at all (I mow, he launders, I do home repairs and he cleans, etc.) so this was just one big sticking point with the calendar. If it bothers your husband, put him in charge of his own time and schedule.

Don't take the blame. You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to.

We use a paper calendar on the wall (I'm not a fan of computer calendars, but I know some people love them). I write everything on that calendar. Honestly, sometimes my husband looks and oftentimes he doesn't. For the most part, I remind him. Sometimes I forget, but I am just the type of person who's always keeping the next few days in the back of my mind and always liking to be aware of what we're doing the next few days. So I really want to know and really want to make sure he knows.

From your brief statement about never doing things as husband and wife (not going on dates), I really wonder if this is bothering you because he bothers you. Yes, it would be nice if my husband cared about the calendar as much as I do, but it really doesn't bother me because I appreciate so many things that he takes care of that I never have to think about. We definitely have our things that we argue about, but overall we have a very good relationship so I really don't mind doing this for him.

I think it's time for a date night. Don't discount the importance of the two of you have a good relationship. Don't underestimate the power of date night or at least quality time together. A happy couple makes for happier kids and happier family. Please make it a priority to spend some time together, just the two of you, even if it's just for an hour or two. I think you might be surprised at how much that will help.

We both use Outlook, and so we "invite" each other when stuff comes up on the calendar. That way, in theory, we both have everything on our calendars so we both know what's going on.

In practice, we still run things past each other to make sure we don't miss things. Just a simple - hey, looks like kid 1 has baseball tonight at X field. Is that right - helps us stay on the same page. I don't see that this is a big deal.

People have different learning/understanding styles. Maybe your husband needs to *hear* the calendar instead of see it. Whose idea was the online calendar - yours? Would your husband care at all if you never type another calendar entry onto that calendar?

Stop putting your energy into the online calendar, sending your husband evites etc. Use a "calendar discussion" as one more moment for regular couples communication - have a nightly "calendar chat". Complete with hugs and kisses!

I manage all important family scheduling, including kids appointments, activities, etc. I'm the point person for school communication, doctor, dentist, therapist, sports clubs, vet, etc and many extended family events. I don't look at this as mothering my husband. He works full time and I stay home. We are a team. I enjoy handling all of this, it's a stress-reliver for me to count on myself to be in control and on top of family logistics. When there is something important on the calendar that my husband should or may want to attend, I'll tell him, plus send him a text or email. If he drops the ball and forgets beyond that, it's on him. I'm at peace with that. It's not my responsibility to tell him 10 times or constantly remind him. My husband knows one of his downfalls is absentmindedness, so he has trained himself to put things on his work calendar right away most of the time so very little falls through the cracks. Honestly, if my husband asked me the same question yours did, I'd just tell him the graduation parties on the calendar. It would take me only a few seconds to look it up on my phone if I didn't know it off the top of my head. I might feel a little bemused by his forgetfulness if we had just recently discussed it, but I wouldn't be irritated by his asking. I'd be glad that he was interested and talking about it with me

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I manage all important family scheduling, including kids appointments, activities, etc. I'm the point person for school communication, doctor, dentist, therapist, sports clubs, vet, etc and many extended family events. I don't look at this as mothering my husband. He works full time and I stay home. We are a team. I enjoy handling all of this, it's a stress-reliver for me to count on myself to be in control and on top of family logistics. When there is something important on the calendar that my husband should or may want to attend, I'll tell him, plus send him a text or email. If he drops the ball and forgets beyond that, it's on him. I'm at peace with that. It's not my responsibility to tell him 10 times or constantly remind him. My husband knows one of his downfalls is absentmindedness, so he has trained himself to put things on his work calendar right away most of the time so very little falls through the cracks. Honestly, if my husband asked me the same question yours did, I'd just tell him the graduation parties on the calendar. It would take me only a few seconds to look it up on my phone if I didn't know it off the top of my head. I might feel a little bemused by his forgetfulness if we had just recently discussed it, but I wouldn't be irritated by his asking. I'd be glad that he was interested and talking about it with me

Updated

I manage all important family scheduling, including kids appointments, activities, etc. I'm the point person for school communication, doctor, dentist, therapist, sports clubs, vet, etc and many extended family events. I don't look at this as mothering my husband. He works full time and I stay home. We are a team. I enjoy handling all of this, it's a stress-reliver for me to count on myself to be in control and on top of family logistics. When there is something important on the calendar that my husband should or may want to attend, I'll tell him, plus send him a text or email. If he drops the ball and forgets beyond that, it's on him. I'm at peace with that. It's not my responsibility to tell him 10 times or constantly remind him. My husband knows one of his downfalls is absentmindedness, so he has trained himself to put things on his work calendar right away most of the time so very little falls through the cracks. Honestly, if my husband asked me the same question yours did, I'd just tell him the graduation parties on the calendar. It would take me only a few seconds to look it up on my phone if I didn't know it off the top of my head. I might feel a little bemused by his forgetfulness if we had just recently discussed it, but I wouldn't be irritated by his asking. I'd be glad that he was interested and talking about it with me

I sort of look at it as a team effort: there are some things I need to tell him about (and remind him) and some that he needs to tell me about. We don't get mad at each other. He knows that I use a paper calendar and I know he has an online one, so we both just say "put it on the calendar" and then we talk the day before so no one is surprised about expectations.

We use the ipad calendar - it's set up so that if anything gets added or changed on one, all our ipads receive the changes.additions.

I keep a master family old fashioned paper calendar on the kitchen wall. As much for myself as my husband. If he wants it in his work calendar on-line he enters the info, onto his phone. If it doesn't involve him he ignores it. If he wants to know what's happening this saturday he can look at it, the kids can look at it, I look at it.

He will ask me what's up for any given weekend and I will give him a verbal run down...but always say in the end check the calendar incase I forgot something.

In your case you need a paper calendar on the wall, where he sees it every single day.

If it will save you from feeling used and resentful then it's worth the extra 5 minutes it would take to jot down a few things on a paper calendar and hang in next to his toilet on the wall. Seriously, don't they spend enough time in there to have a calendar memorized?

If you use google calendar or something like that you can simply print it out and tape it to the wall in the bathroom too. Easy peasy.

We had a big one on front of the fridge with stickers and all sorts of scrapbooking stuff on it. I enjoyed it more than most any other household chore. If anyone asked I simply pointed to the front of the fridge and told them to go find it for themselves.

I tell or email the activities to my husband. He inputs every activity, every dinner, every meeting, and every event into his online calendar - both work and home activities. We try to discuss upcoming events at least once a day, as timing can be difficult. We figure out who is going when - will I be driving with him or meeting him there. There are times when my husband just can't seem to wrap his head around the schedule and that's when he asks about an event over and over and over... sometimes I will call and ask what time I can expect him. It's not exactly a reminder, and yet it is.
A friend of mine has a scheduled sit down with her spouse once a week to discuss the family calendar. Even if he is away on business, that meeting is scheduled and is sacred. He puts everything into his calendar, they discuss what events he will make and which ones he won't.
I think communication is the key.
You'll need to sit down with him and figure out a better way.

At least yours will look at his calendar at work. And open evites. Mine shares a iCal with me and everything is on it, and he will neither look at it or add anything to it. Yes, I do believe it is mostly a man thing.

The calendar is king here. I have one of those big blotter size ones hanging on the wall and everyone's everything must be written on it. The rule is if it isn't written down it doesn't happen. My kids are older now but we started this when they were little and even now they check the calendar and will write things down. My husband is grateful to take that off his to do list. I think it makes my life easier to not have any surprises and my kids learned to plan ahead. My daughter keeps and amazing calendar,! My husband knows he doesn't have to remember. And I have the peace of not rushing to do anything last minute.
Look, my husband would forget his head if it weren't attached, this is a simple thing, not worth stressing over.