The Mind of a 12 Yr Old... Is This Normal (Kinda Long, Sorry)

J....I am laughing just a little, only because you just described my own 12 yr old, to a tee!!! Basketball, doc appts, etc! Although, being in sports since he was about 4 and constant reminders about what is expected has helped.

No, it's not you...it's the brain of a 12 yr old boy! In my experience, a lot of them are like that! AND, being book smart, I have noticed a lot of times when someone is really book smart, they lack a little common sense (the shoes!) I used to work in pharmacy and man those pharmacists were some smart people w/out a lick of common sense...I often wondered how they were able to get dressed in the morning sometimes! LOL! (and I am not being totally serious here...I truly liked and respected them, but some of the things they would say were funny!)

Just hang in there w/ him, be proud that he is academically smart, and stay as involved as you are! He'll be ok, minus his shoes some days! :)

I have 3 kids that will be 13 this coming weekend. And yes it is totally normal, boy or girl. It is like they have this one little space in their mind that they are listening to you, and then this huge area they are thinking about something else. Makes my husband nuts and I have just decided to accept it and keep reminding...again and again and again.

Give him a calendar and mark dates and times on it and tell him to add to it as needed. Then stop reminding him. Maybe one time a reminder is okay but you're training him to not remember but to depend on you to remind him. Yes, they all do this but if you want it to stop and for him to be responsible then stop reminding him so many times. Take him without shoes or let him miss events. He'll learn.

HAHAHA OH J., welcome to the preteen years. He is in full swing.
My 11 yo is almost there. I homeschool him and just this minute I said where are you?
He's upstairs playing Lego's.
Me Do your math
him OK OK OK
him Oh look at all the cookies, Do we get any? -- Counts Girl Scout cookies;
me Do your math
him ok ok
he ran off. I assumed to get a pencil, go to the bathroom, no he was playing Legos again.
me DO YOUR MATH!!!
him oh yeah, ok
He is now playing with the remote for the tv and ordering the cat off the table.
THis all happened as I am writing to you.

My 14 yo would forget her head if it weren't attached to her shoulders.
Keep reminding him
Be action minded, tell him to get his shoes NOW, then get ready NOW. HAve everything by the door.
We have a quite a ride through the teen years with them. But it does get better. My 23 yo is darn near human and quite enjoyable to be around.

Unfortunately, it's normal.
You can't JUST say "Be ready to leave at 6pm".
At 5:30 you have to spell it out step by step.
"Brush you teeth. Now." When that's over.
"Get dressed for practice Now." When that's over.
"Get your shoes/coat on. Now." When that's over.
"Your Dad will be here in 5 min. Get in the driveway. Now. Be ready to get in the car when he pulls up. He should not have to be waiting for you.".
By the time he's 16 you might be able to back off a little (but don't hold your breath).

Normal, I'm afraid. With our pre-teen daughter who is organized and sharp, I can't tell her that at 5:30 blah, blah, blah. She has to have a "you have 30 minutes to be ready to walk out the door." I then give a 5 minutes head's up, sometimes a 2 minute warning (really, I joke her and say "2 minute warning." Do I get tired of it, yep! But do I also know that in a few years when she's no longer at home and those mornings and afternoons are very quiet in the house it really won't seem like much trouble and I'll wish she was here doing her easy come/easy go things, ... that's a yep too. I don't see that a yelling parent makes it any better either. So stay as calm as possible and help them get thru this time.

All four of my brothers worked that way. If it makes you feel any better they are all out of the house with wives and girlfriends and one even has two kids. But...I have a feeling that it is a "man" thing. lol
I am ALWAYS reminding my husband about events, drs, soccer, work, even WAKING UP!
No advice, just letting you know that I think it is normal. :)
L.

I have a daughter that just turned 13 and boys that are 12,11 and 9 and this is totally normal especially for the boys not to mention totally frutrating for me :).

Ha, just realized your the dad! Ha... So he does m
Not hear the constant buzz of your voice.Yep. It is a combination, testosterone brain, still a boy, and absent minded professor.

Plus teen boys do not always listen to a woman's voice. To them it is a buzzing sound.

My husband is also quite brilliant, but he sounds exactly like your son. 30 years of marriage with the same trash day, and he still cannot remember to take the trash can to the curb on Fridays, do not even get me started on the recycling.

It is frustrating and so you will need to decide. Are you going to continue this way. Or are you willing to allow him to suffer the consequences of missing out, being late, arriving unprepared?

I know it is frustrating, but if you do not decide, you cannot complain. You know what you are dealing with.

Ummmm...can't speak to a 12 year old boy from personal parental experience but you've described my 9 year old perfectly!

He sounds like a 12-year-old version of my wonderful husband. :) Smart, caring, sensitive, thoughtful... and sometimes completely oblivious. Maddening, but loveable. I'd also be willing to bet your son would fasten his head on tight in a crisis situation and handle it with skill and grace.

Yes, it's normal. I have worked with middle school boys and they will say, "yeah, huh huh" to anything. Then, when it comes time nothing is done. The only way I found success was taking something away. They learned pretty quick to start paying attention and focusing (e.g. basketball, the coach helped me and he wasn't allowed to play in a game for not listening - because how could he listen on the court if he wasn't listening in school). I also have a step son that is like this but younger -- When he is here we work with him, but during the teen years, so much is going through his head. You may be be able to point out it's obvious he is uncapable of following a scheduled plan and start treating him like a baby. Set times and make him get ready. Being a teen, he'll want his independence and you can slowly ween off and have him "prove" his independence. You could also pull a "him" one day. That always throws them for a loop. Best of luck!

You've just described my 12-year-old daughter. Glad to know I'm not alone. :)

Ummmm, are you sure I wasn't married to him for 7 years and we have a daughter? Cuz you just described my 2nd husband!!!!!!

I think some people are born more organized and with a better memory than others. I think I came out of the womb with a to do list and an ability to prioritize and manage my time. Others? not so much.

Having said that.... if you ss is "truly" gifted, that is a double edged sword. usually they have advanced skills in one area and are a bit off in others - and it's USUALLY social/emotional development. This could fall into that, and he may grow into his memory later.

Good luck.

Ha! It's like you were describing my 11 year old daughter. Sometimes I really wonder about her - like where her brain is. LOL. I think it's just that age.

It DOES get better J.. My son is 13 1/2 and he is SOOOO Much better than just a year ago. He might not wear appropriate shoes, but at least he'll have shoes ON. He might not be able to drag himself out of bed, but he knows he has somewhere to go and usually what he needs to bring with him. He rarely arrives at his karate class without all his stuff, without me reminding him of anything... if he does, it is b/c he thought his belt was in the back of the car, but his sister cleaned the car out, or something like that.

Even cleaning up his room, is something that he has begun taking the initiative with. Still isn't "clean" per MY standards.... but he is conscious of when it is REALLY bad and does something about it on his own. Lately, that involves rearranging everything about once a week. lol

Stick with him. Keep reminding him. Keep making him responsible and making him live with the consequences.... (say what you want, but being late and having everything is just as much a consequence as being on time and doing without something for some kids---my kid HATES to be late for ANYTHING, thank goodness).

It does get better. Really.

Normal!

This made me laugh too! I have a house FULL of boys ( 6 total ages 20-6) and yup, that sounds just about right! To be honest it is almost like there is a direct link between how smart they are and how forgetful they are...in my house anyway!

I have one in particular, who is WICKED intelligent and that boys (the 17 y/o) can not find his shoes to save his life! It has been a running joke for a long time...he comes up stairs and looks at me and I say 'Under the computer desk' OR 'Next to your bed' b/c as a Mommy I have the un-canny ability to always know where ALL the shoes are?!

~I have no words of wisdom for you...just wanted to let you know you are not alone and that your kid is normal!

I think it is pretty normal and you will probably hear the same thing from lots of parents of teen and pre-teen boys - their brains just seem to "switch off" for a few years and you are left scratching your head. My stepsons both went through this and one of them in middle school was doing homework assignments but somehow "forgetting" to turn them in - WHAT??? I've also known people (both kids and adults) that are really smart book-wise, but lack common sense, and can seem like space cadets when you wouldn't expect it for how smart they really are. The proverbial absent-minded professor.

Have you tried just reminding him once, and then if he isn't ready on time, or not dressed appropriately, he just goes as is? As in, make him get in the car in his pajamas, no shoes, and then drive him to school? Maybe having that happen once or twice, and having to get dressed in the car on the way, will hit home with him better. Natural consequences.

Unfortunately, it does seem to be the normal for pre-teen's. I am a single mom and have several friends with children all about the same age and we all share the same complaints with you. Both of my parents are retired teachers and taught this age group and say that this behavior, however frustrating for us this is quite normal. So you and your wife are not alone.

Well, this actually sounds somewhat normal to me. I do think there are plenty of kids out there who are pleasers and on top of it. However, I feel very strongly that some kids are simply too focused on other things to pay attention to those things they don't really care about. Bright children are particularly this way. I have a son who is very similar. God bless him, he has not remembered to pick up his backpack before going out the door to school not a single time in the last 2 years! I know he's not being lazy, just thinking about all kinds of other things. There have been numerous occasions where he has gotten in the car without shoes too! Glad I'm not alone here. I have to nudge him along a lot and it's annoying. I don't really have the time to micromanage my child all of the time. It's very frustrating that I can't just say, go get your clothes on. Very rarely does he not get distracted by something else. Our youngest is not this way, she's very on top of things. So, I don't have a great solution but I do think he will get better as time goes on. He's only 12. I would continue to make him take responsibility because they learn through consequence, of course. However, try not to be too hard on him. He's young and he is who he is. I too wouldn't be motivated to think ahead and be ready for my boring doctor's appt when I was 12. :)

Both my boys have been through this (1 still going through this). My daughter not so much. Not uncommon or unexpected. With the youngest boy, I have to tell him basically 1 task at a time. If I just say, be ready by 9 there is a 50/50 chance of him being ready. If I say, go brush your teeth...he does it right away (sort of). I know it will slowly get better but for now...this is what we do. Thank goodness this is my last time through this age!!

GT kids! AP kids! Very intelligent, not so great on the common sense sometimes. My first two have learning differences- they are amazingly prompt and (especially the middle one) organized.
And then there's the GT baby-gotta love her! MUTLIPLE times have we gotten somewhere with no shoes. In fact, we travel with a pair of UGLY flip flops in the trunk of the car. UGLY so they don't get taken inside and lost. I even managed to get to the doctor's office twice with her with NO shoes - in the winter. (Most of the time the kids just leave some shoes in the car, so I am accustomed to them walking out barefoot.)
She is GT to the max. Can figure out so many things. Time? Forget it. She does need some things spelled out more. "Get ready" is too abstract. The poster who said break it down is correct. A little more time spent reminding them but better results. Instead of saying "get ready" five times, the "brush your teeth", "put your clothes on", "get your shoes" , "get in the car" statements use the same breath but get the job done.
They DO get better. It's been years since anyone has forgotten their shoes. At least that I know of. The two older ones are driving so they just keep shoes in their cars. Once he drives it will be HIS problem if he is on time and once or twice of showing up late and having appointments cancelled, being benched for baseball, after school detention for tardiness-he'll figure it out.
Hang in there. The "best" is yet to come. Love those teenagers.

How is he doing with the divorce and remarriage? It sounds like he is doing a little "revolt." It may be his way of saying that he doesn't like the situation without having to come out and say it. The teens in blended families that I taught in high school (small school so everyone knows the families, etc.), often didn't know how to express their frustrations with the back and forth with mom and dad, feeling like they had two partial families but not one "real" family. They would each respond differently to certain things but one thing they all seemed to have in common was that they would just slow everything down as if moving in slow motion. It wouldn't come across as willful disobedience but more like forgetfulness or being unaware of the situation. Does he have a non-parent adult he can trust that he can vent with? Is he encouraged to express his frustration (respectfully, of course) with his current situation? That might be a place to start. Ask what he likes about his family situation and what he doesn't. If he doesn't open up, point out things that you think would be hard so he knows you are trying to be understanding. See if there are things he'd like to change and work out ways to come up with some things that would be good for him. He needs to know that his opinions are valid and that you care about what he thinks, even if it might not be pleasant to hear.

At 12, he is starting to figure out life in a deeper context and it might not all be rosy. Be sure to compliment him on what he does well. Does he ever overhear you complimenting him to someone else? He might not think you are as proud of him as you are of your bio-kids. Even it it's not true, there is lots of insecurity in a 12 year old.

Yes, my 12 yo dtr is like this exactly and she is ADD (no meds) and is being tested for possible Aspergers too. I have to be on her constantly and we have to have the exact schedule every single day or it REALLY throws her off. Has your son (step son?) been like this the whole time, or just woke up when he turned 12 and started acting like this? No real advice for you, you just have to be consistant like you are. Good luck.

You have just described my step daughter. She does these very same things and just turned 13 in December. If I want her ready to go then I have to walk her through everything, I also have to gather her belongings or she will forget them. We have tried everything too.

I am hoping that this is something she will grow out of but who knows. At some point she will be an adult and then she will have to deal with the consequences of her actions. I think her head is in the clouds most days, I really don't think she does it on purpose. My hubby calls her is artsy creative type kid and thinks that is why she is like this, I think it is just her age and how the brain works at this age.

Did you time warp my SS?

My SS is STILL a last minute guy. It's become a bad family joke that if you want to get anywhere with him in tow, you need to tell him a different time or be prepared to be late. We almost left him more than once and his behavior really put a cramp in my UK vacation last summer. Best day was when we LEFT him behind in Dublin.

I think that kids' brains are sieves. Yes. But I also think that he needs to learn some way to process these things. Like, maybe a calendar on his door that says "You have an apt at 6PM" or "Your dad is picking you up at 5". It might also take a few instances of leaving him or making a consequence. My SS would miss the bus. I get that it was very early in the AM, but when I took mass transit, I had to be out the door at 6:30AM to arrive by 8AM. We finally started charging him $10 every time WE had to be the bus. Funny...he stopped being late so often...

So maybe your SS needs to wear spare shoes that he doesn't like or he needs to pay a fine or go to school in PJs or something to get the hint that he needs to GET READY.

You can also have him lay out all his stuff the night before. Put the forgetfulness at the end of the day vs first thing in the AM.

Good luck!

My oldest son is the same way, but he's got AD/HD primarily inattentive so I don't know if that's just typical for boys his age (mine is 13) or if it's because of the AD/HD.

If he hasn't always been this way, I would bet it's just a phase and he'll grow out of it. If he has always been like this, he may have trouble attending to things that aren't important to him, which could be a personality quirk (absent-minded professor) or a problem that needs to be addressed and treated. Given his school performance, I wouldn't think that it's something you need to have evaluated and/or treated. It's annoying, but I know a few absent-minded people and most of them are so charming and likable that it's easy to forgive their forgetfulness.

Oh lord... you just described my 5 yo daughter ..... and I was hoping she would grow out of this phase in a year or two. Guess not. Man is it frustrating.

MY 7 year old is like this. EXACTLY!! I think some kids are just wired that way. I can tell my 7 year old to pick something off the floor in plain sight. She looks around lost like she can't find it. I ask her 2 year old sister to find it. She can pick it up instantly. If you are concerned check with the pediatrician, he may be a little adhd or something of that nature. (we are looking into aspergers in my child, although she does not have all the traits) I would say he also could just be trying to annoy the parents! Good luck. That is the one thing about my daughter that drives me insane!!

He might be more visual than auditory . . . what if you text him or email him (does he have access to gadgets?)?

My younger son is like this, except he's auditory (visual processing issues) so texting or emailing doesn't do any good.

IMHO kids with these issues "train" you to "prompt" them constantly. That is not good for them or you. We gradually stopped reminding our son of stuff and let him live with natural consequences, and at 14 he is doing much better with getting himself ready on time, etc. We put Outlook on his computer and it "dings" him with a warning for an upcoming appointment or event.

Now for me, who is very visual - you could tell me something verbally all day and I won't remember. I have to SEE it.

I've seen some occupational therapy catalogs with some great gadgets to give kids "cues" for when things are coming, how much time they have left, etc.

It's frustrating, I know. It will probably get better though.

Oh my goodness...sounds like our 11yo. Being on time or ready to go has not been a priority for him in the past either. We are slowly making progress by taking things away when he is not ready on time. He loses computer/xbox time (10 minutes every time he is late) or part of his allowance. I believe it is a choice he makes and he is starting to realize there is consequences for not doing the right thing. Really hoping to nix this habit once and for all.

Example one is not acceptable. He needs to be acountable to his team to be on time and not delay and make others wait for him. Perhaps taking something away or making him do extra chores in the morning (waking a bit earlier than usual is really annoying for him just like its annoying for anyone to wait on him. )

Even though you dont want ways to remind him of events he still needs to learn them. This is the age where yeah they will forget but they need to remember some of the time. Forgetting shoes is kinda a big deal. Another friend finally figured out that if her little monster had a shower in the morning she could function like a normal human instead of an insane monster.

Also for his introvert social aquardness you should get him to take a free online meyers briggs test. it will help him learn his personality type. i know its kinda dumb but it really helped me understand who i am and why i do or feel the way i do. wish i had it yrs ago. he might need to re take it when he is older.

Sounds like our 15 yr old. Drives me nuts!!! I honestly get so frustrated even though I really do try my hardest not to.

He was tested 3 years ago and has ADD. He is on an "outer ring" of it. Not the "traditional" ADD.

My son is so smart. He is all of the advanced classes in school but yet that kid would forget to put his head on if it wasn't attached but yet still manages to pull off A's... management of time.. doesn't exist to him! Im not one to "drug" my kids and look for other ways to help them, but at the same time the pills are there for a reason! I would be crazy with out them :)

i was that teen, pre teens and teens just DONT care, honestly he needs some tough love, if he isnt ready DONT remind him let him deal with the punishment as it comes thats the only way he will learn if he isnt at practice he wont play

It sounds like you have an absentminded professor! Welcome to the club! It IS very annoying and it usually doesn't get any better as they get older (at least, in my house it hasn't).

I was in 4 AP classes, it isn't quite the same as gifted and talented programs, but you are right they are a little more advanced ;)

As for the absentmindedness... I would say I know quite a few people like that (ranging from children to adults). Him forgetting to put his shoes on just about had me on the floor rolling. Has he always been this way, or is it a stage he is in? If it's a stage, I would say it will improve over time. I can certainly see how it would get frustrating at times!

Growing up I never had to be told "Get up for school", "you have to get ready", "the bus is coming", "do your homework", or anything like that. I knew what I had to do, I did it. I lived w/ my aunt and uncle and I really don't think they had a clue what my schedule was like so therefore they couldn't remind me if they wanted to...but they saw me doing my homework, getting good grades, getting up on time and out the door so they didn't need to.

My son on the other hand...he relied on me heavily for reminders and finding things. He's getting better...he's 20 and in college. He calls me if he needs to. My daughter is good about knowing what is coming up (she's only 5 though) but I do have to keep her on schedule.

All I can say is "kids!"

I have a 14 year old son, about to be 15 in two months... Slow, unless it's something he has planned or wants to do. He HATES being late for his functions, but mom being at work is a whole other matter that doesn't apply to him...

They are absent minded sometimes, each kid is different too, forget to put on shoes... I'm with you on that, REALLY??? But I've heard of strange stories like that, some people just don't think...

Hi J., Wow, I didn't read all 42 respones(!), but I just wanted to tell you that I have a 12-year-old daughter and this all sounds very familiar to me. The good news is that her 15-year-old sister was the same and is MUCH better now--so there is light at the end of the tunnel! Can't say what the timeline is for boys since I only have girls but rest assured, it will get better eventually. Keep working with him on various techniques to keep him on track and organized--that's what I did with my oldest and it seems to have paid off. Best of luck!

You know those HUGE calendars that people put on their desks? Get one for your wall and use it. Keep one in your kitchen and keep one in his bedroom. We have great luck with keeping a calendar on our basement door, which is in our hallway between the kitchen and front foyer so it's impossible to miss. My 11 year old ADHD daughter loves checking it out (it's at her eye level) and adding to it. If she's the one that adds an event at my request, she's also more likely to remember it. I also stick notes on her mirror in her room since it has a tack board. She's very visual so I have to make use of that particular skill of hers.

Figure out what your son's learning skill is. Clearly it's not listening. If he's a visual learner, then visual reminders in more than one place will likely help him better.

It's really interesting reading the posts because it was not like this at all with my daughter (now 18 and in college). I guess I had had high expectations and made her sink or swim early. I can't (wouldn't) give four reminders. She was well aware of her schedule and if she needed to take notes or write a list she did. Even in elementary school, every student had a day planner.

Yes this is normal and can happen to kids at various ages. Unfortunately, he may be like this during all teen years and into college. Being "book smart" could mean his intelligence interferes with moment-to-moment focus (I think it was Einstein who wore identical outfits every day to eliminate decision making). If it inteferes with activities and doesn't improve, perhaps a school counselor or tutor can help.

My neice was just tested for ADHD because she was showing signs o it, and it turns out that she is just more of a visual learner. Her counselor told her parents that it would be helpful to her if they would write down their requests or instructions to her, instead of just telling her. Example: Write down, "Your dad is picking you up at 6 for practice". Hand it to him on a peice of paper. Maybe something like that would be helpful. More work on your part, but it might help.

Aaaand I guess I skipped your What Happened....seems you already tried this! ;D

Sounds like a pretty normal teen to me.

If you are up for it you could try natural consequences. He knows he has practice on certain days. If he doesn't get ready on time on his own he is late to practice (or misses practice). Hopefully it will be akward/embarrassing enough for him after a while that he will start getting ready earlier on his own. On the off chance he gets/mad irritated you didn't remind him say "I respect you too much to argue about this". Repeat as needed.

Dr.s appt I would probably still remind him of, because most kids don't care about dr.'s appts. If he was younger I would take him to the doc in those pjs, but he is old enough that would probably be more traumatic for him than my younger kiddos.

My son is only 7, but I try not to remind him to put his homework folder in his backpack. If he forgets, he is irritated (teacher calls him out on it) and he's better about double checking in the future. I also let him wear shorts to school on cold days (he loves shorts and hates pants). So far he has survived (it doesn't get below freezing here), and now he will sometimes opt for long pants when I tell him it's cold outside.

ETA: My sister teaches kids same age as yours, and she really reccomends the love and logic method & books. They also talk about natural consequences.