Do You Know Your Husbands Schedule?

You aren't being unreasonable. He should help more & he should have fed the kids dinner.

My husbands work schedule isn't set. He's a general contractor, owns his own company, so each day is different. It just depends on what the job is that day.

It can be frustrating not knowing when he's coming home, but he does help when needed when he is home & he cooks dinner almost every night. Which is super awesome!

I think you're perfectly within your rights to sit down with your husband on Sundays and ask what his schedule is for the week. He should be able to tell you which days are going to be late nights and which he'll be home earlier. That way you can plan and you're not always watching the door and wondering. And when he's home he should be fully engaged with the family. That means understanding that children need to eat dinner. C'mon, it's kind of a basic concept.

You are not being unreasonable from a wife's viewpoint. However, your expectations may be unreasonable if your husband's job is not conducive to schedules.

I suggest that you have your own schedule and let your husband fit his schedule with yours. That way you're not left waiting for him to get home. Accept that he may or may not come home.

This sounds like it might be a matter of poor communication. Have you asked him for a schedule? Is it possible for him to even give you a schedule? Sounds like he's working late when there's work to be done. If he can't predict when he'll need to stay late he can't give you a schedule.

You need to have a sit down serious talk with him letting him know how you feel and ask him to work with you to come to an agreement. For example could he call you when he realizes he's going to be working late? His work hours are 9-5 but at 4 he realizes he will need to stay later and so he gives you a call. Or he could say not to count on him coming home at a certain time and you'll work on letting go of the need to have him home at a certain time. Accept that his work hours are not predictable.

Use I statements. Do not accuse him of anything. Present the subject as one in which you're having difficulty and ask him to try to understand your point of view. Also ask him how he sees the problem and if there is anything he can do to make it better for you.

When you leave him with the kids be specific about what you expect. He can't read your mind and he is not used to the routine since he's not there most evenings. Tell him specifically that there is salad in the frig and that dinner time is at such a time. That you'd appreciate it if he'd have the kids fed before you get home.

I suggest you read up on Non-violent communication. It's a way of talking with each other that creates peace and understanding. Here's their web site. http://www.cnvc.org/Training/NVC-Concepts

I've been in your shoes though my kids are/were a lot younger. What worked for me was to set a dinner time and whether he was home or not, we'd eat then. Almost act like he is out of town. It's not perfect bc lots of times I'll call to see if he's 5 min away or hasn't even left the office yet and it'll be he's 15 min away so do I hold dinner or not?... But it's not the norm at least. And when he comes home late, he's responsible for his own dinner at that point. He also set an alarm on his watch at one point to remind himself to call me. He often has high pressure jobs that are all absorbing and he loses track of time. I also now use meeting request on Outlook to get anything I need him for on his calendar. But you overall don't have to live at the whim of his schedule unless you choose that. Make your schedule and if there are nights he's not home until 11pm, no amount of waiting to have a family dinner would remedy that. So dont plan around him. If he has some control, maybe pick one or two nights a week he will be home by x time so you have a family dinner - something that's very very important I'm sure you know. And next time you go out, I guess be explicit about what time dinner should be and seriously set an alarm or text him from the meeting as a reminder... Not perfect but these things have helped me. It's much easier when you control what you can and give up trying to control his behaviour.

No, I do not know his schedule, his job is one of when he is done he is done - he leaves early in the am and comes home anywhere from 12pm-9pm depending on the day (he delivers beer). However, he IS an active parent when he is home, he will feed our son and the dogs and all that jazz. There are patterns, like M-W-F are normally between 12-3 and T-Th are between 3-6, but the summer tosses it ALL out the window! I think you need to discuss with him your expectations of when he gets home, esp when you have to run an errand or do something like PTA. In addition I would ensure that he has time to wind down with out the kids piling on him and "daddy daddy" all over the place.

Keep YOUR schedule as is - he will eat when he gets home.

S.,
I agree with sitting down on Sunday evenings,with a day planner or even a white board(thats I have).As parents,we NEED to know eachother's schedules because #1)communication makes things run smoother#2)communication gives reassurance and #3)if there were to be an emergency or lapse in schedules due to you having something to do,once again,good old communication will be there to help you out again.
COMMUNICATION,did I mention that?LOL. seriously though,its the only way a household especially with kids can run.As for him putting the dinner(which you prepared)on the table is not that much to ask.The kids waited for you to come home to ask for it.That should tell HIM something

Gotta hate the dropped dinner/bedtime ball!

I do know my husband's "schedule". He works a LOT of hours but he's normally home by 5, 6 at the latest (unless he's out of town, of course).
But maybe the nature of your husband's job is more conducive to late hours, idk.

I wonder of your husband would set aside O. evening per week and O. day on the weekend top commit to his family? Have you ever asked him?

The constantly not knowing would probably drive me nuts logistically.
Can he be responsible for letting you know when he'll be home each evening? Why should YOU have to call every day and ask?

Good luck.

p.s. And you're right--long work hours in not a 'free pass' for parental responsibilities!

No you're not being unreasonable. I think he's unreasonable. For a while my husband was getting home at different times and I was also calling each day to find out a time so I would know when to have dinner ready. It finally got to the point that I said dinner will be at 7:00, with or without you. That way I didn't have to calculate each day what time to eat or stress that dinner would be too late for the GD. Once I put the schedule in place, he fell right into it and is now routinely home before the dinner hour.

I think you need to sit hubby down and tell him that you will EXPECT him by 7:00 each night and that that is when dinner will be. Either be here to eat, or eat on your way home because after we eat, dinner is over.

I could have written this,

I read your responses-
what frustrated me about others suggestions, was that even sitting down on Sundays and asking for a plan, so much could come up and if he were truely busy with a customer he wouldn't be able to call or text me and let me know how much longer.

I also have to say, we did start setting our own dinner time and bedtime, Because i Had to for the good of my children and myself. Instead of him trying hard to get home for dinner, he just gave up and he eats dinner with us one week night every two weeks. Same with bedtime, unfortunately he makes no effort to get home in time for this.

What your friend doesn't understand about your single mom comment, is that SHE knows she is a single mom, she doesn't have to take DH feelings, his schedule or anything else into consideration ( UNLESS there are chldren and some shared custody-that i woudl agree is super hard). The not knowing if he is coming, and the half hope that he will make it tonight and then he doesn't is crushing. It's a yo-yo. As a single mom if she chose to get a babysitter or chose to do this or that, she can do it with no judgement or arranging with DH, her money is hers, , I'm sure it's hard, but it's set.

I try to appreciate what my husband does do and how I really don't want to take up those jobs, like garbage or paying the bills, But i do wish he was more involved.

So hugs, and all i can offer is to lower your expectations and communicate about that his, your and your together- life priorities are.

My husband works a ton, travels often, but luckily he takes the bus home so I know he'll always be here by 6:45 at the latest because that's the last bus.

That said - he and I always sit down with the calendar and mark out his schedule. Just so I know an estimate of what to expect. I tend to keep dinner and feed everyone at 6:00 if I know he'll be home at 6:10 - that way he can join us for the end of dinner. If he isn't walking in until after 6:15, then I just feed the kids and myself at 5:45 (or earlier if we are hungry).

There are always changes to the schedule, last minute phone calls that put him on a later bus, a last minute change that causes a trip someplace that was unexpected... but we do our best to keep each other informed about our schedules.

Well being a single parent is like when your husband is out of town, and you work forty hours outside the house, and there is no estimated time he will get home if at all.

I don't know Troy's schedule but at least to me what counts is when I say I need to do this at this time he is home to take care of the kids. If I say I have to work late tonight I know he will rearrange his work schedule so the kids aren't alone that long after school. Otherwise he assumes, rightfully, that I have it all under control.

We run our own company so yes, he is either here in the office with me or on the road. Of course things pop up occasionally and our schedule is "off" but we adjust. Having the company on our own is heavy involvement (work-a-holic) with both of us but the rewards are much greater.

When he was in outside sales working for another company, I knew his approximate schedule. He was still based out of our home and I was SAHM so it wasn't a big deal. I managed all of his travel so we sat down often with calendars and made sure our calendars were in sync with each other.

I've always made sure his calendar has any special function on it ahead of time, 2+ weeks or more. This way, he never missed any of daughter's games where she was cheering, orchestra concerts or teacher meetings, etc. He was always home for that because we scheduled around it. Communication is key here!!

I pick up a bit of resentment on your part by calling him a work-a-holic. It sounds like he is trying hard to provide for your family. What appears to be lacking is communication between the two of you with sitting down and comparing calendars. It is hard when a hubby does not have a set 8-5 job because you do have to make adjustments, sometimes at the last minute.

Your children are 11 and 8. That should be a pretty self sufficient age for them to go to the fridge and get whatever you had in there for them to eat instead of waiting on mom to do it for them. Teach your children to be more responsible and independent as far as eating, cleaning up after themselves, etc.

Unreasonable, not 100% but maybe some better planning and communicating would help you feel hubby is more concerned and willing to help. It sounds like he works very hard to provide for your family... maybe help him with a schedule just a bit.

Good luck

I know how you feel. My husband has worked many different hours and I did have to call also. My husband was usually resting if he had down time and I gave him that. He was very involved on the weekends when he could be. Its just how your life is now, maybe he can call you more and communicate when he will be home.

I know my husband's schedule. We both worth though so we have to make sure someone is home to meet the nanny. For the most part, we are both home, but he will call me if he needs to work late and I will do the same. But it works better if we know ahead of time that we need to work late one night.

We also have shared google calendars. He actually has two, one for personal stuff and one for work. I could see the work one if I wanted to but I'm not interested in having his work meetings clutter up my calendar. If there is a work thing that will cross over into personal time (like a company event), then he will add it to the personal calendar.

I like the suggestion of setting a fixed dinner time so you don't have to wonder when to have dinner. But I also wouldn't like having always to wonder when he was coming home. Is it possible for him to work at home? Maybe he can come home, spend an hour or two with the family, and do the rest of the work for the night at home. My husband does that when he gets into a crunch and finds himself needing to work late more frequently.

We've gone through things like that before, and I hated it, and I hated hating it because I felt "guilty" that I was mad at him for providing for our family....and I felt annoyed that I was just in the air all the time waiting for him to come home. It all got much better when we set OUR schedule (those of us at home: me, and the 2 boys), and Jeremy will just come in and try to fit it. Once we started having dinner at a certain time, and the boys going to bed at a certain time, he DID start coming home at a more reasonable time, believe it or not. It's not that he "couldn't" so much as he was just hoping to get "one more thing" done because he was pretty sure we could wait a little longer. Now, most of the time he's home in time. If he's not, that's ok. He can eat dinner alone after the boys are in bed. But he doesn't like that very much, and has improved. (I don't punish him though; I do keep him company).
That said: I have a wall calendar right by my computer. He emails me if he has any out of the ordinary appointment (doctor, lawyer, etc) and what his plans are, BASICALLY. It is always give or take an hour. I email him our monthly schedule of anything out of the ordinary that he should know about, or would want to know about, and he plugs that into his schedule when it's something he wants to attend.
I phone or email him at about 6pm everyday if I haven't heard from him, to get the estimated time of arrival. But yeah---you need to give him a little leeway in that he's working hard and long so that you can stay home more. It IS annoying when they do something different than you (not feeding them at the usual time) but that's more a "different" parenting style than yours, not that he was a "bad" parent. I am all about schedules, routines, and time so I do feel you on the fact that they ate at bedtime. But if they were really hungry, they would have asked for something to eat, and he was letting them play. That's not my style so much, but it doesn't make him a bad dad.

My husband is in sales, and works long hours. I know he's is tentatively off on Wednesdays, but if a customer wants to come in and meet him, then he will go in. The only guaranteed day off is Sunday. Other than that, no, I don't know his schedule. I'll call him each afternoon and ask him if he's closing (meaning he gets off at 9pm), and he'll let me know. Even if he says he's coming home at 6:00 or 7:00, that can change at the last minute depending on customers.

The boys and I always plan our schedule without him, and then if he is able to show up, it's a nice treat. He is an extremely involved parent on his days off, and in the mornings I leave early, so he takes the boys to school. He also takes them to all doctor/orthodontist/dentist appointments. He just isn't there most evenings. Early in our marriage it was an issue, but through the years I've adjusted. Now we've been happily married for 18 years. We just had to get in a groove.

Marda had some great suggestions for you.

I know my husband's schedule, except when I don't. What I mean by that is, he has a set schedule, and I know what it is. But he prefers to work mornings rather than evenings, and he has the option to 'request' earlier shifts. He will do this when he wants to change his schedule around some. But he doesn't always get "approval" more than 8 hours or so in advance.

He might go to work today (his shifts is 3-11 today) with his regular shift tomorrow still on the books (scheduled for 2-10 pm) and get home tonight and tell me that he got tomorrow's shift moved up to a 12-8 pm shift or an 11-7pm. No big deal, right? Except that I have been to the store and planned dinner for tomorrow already. If he gets home at 10 pm (his 'normal' shift), he's already eaten and I am feeding only the kids and myself (and it is likely to be takeout since we are at martial arts until 7 pm)... but if he is getting home at 7:30 or 8 pm, then he will want to eat at home as a family. But I am not going back to town in the morning so that I can have dinner made before I leave for town at 4 pm to go to martial arts!
So, if he takes the liberty of switching his shift around, and doesn't give me adequate notice, then we have the understanding that "he is own his own" regarding dinner plans. Just the way it is.

Sometimes I detect a note of displeasure in his voice, when he calls me at 5 pm and asks if he needs to get his own dinner before coming home.... but, we both know that that is just the way it is sometimes.

Communicate with your husband about what you need. Sounds like you need more information and in a more timely manner. If he cannot give you that, then you need to let him figure out how to come up with his own meal plan. Or just accept that you aren't adjusting your evening plans to suit his schedule. Dinner is at "X" time. If he is there, great. If not, the leftovers are in the fridge. He can reheat them himself. And clean up his mess when he is done. Since you will have moved on to bath time/homework/bedtime with the kids.

And when he is home and you are obligated elsewhere, tell him what you need him to do. Dinner is at ___. It is in the fridge, you just need to re-heat ___ and add ___. The kids need to be told to go to bed by ___ time. Jimmy still has homework to finish. Depending on the ages of your kids, though, don't expect him to do much on the homework front. Dads tend to ask "did you do it?" and that's as far as it goes. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Just be aware that it won't be the same as if YOU were handling it. lol

Sadly, in a lot of ways, it is like leaving the kids with a sitter, when Dad has an irregular schedule like that. Don't take it personally. Just remember what you mentioned at the top of your post: "...at least he has a job that has a liveable income." Be grateful he is fulfilling his familial obligations to provide a home and income for your family so that you can stay home to take care of the kiddos.

On the days when he is not working, does he step up and "parent" then? Mine is very human. Some days he is excellent, and some days he is in "me" mode and in his own decompression world. We all have those days. On his good days (which are far more common than his more melancholy days, lol) he instructs the kids in helping out around the house far better than I do. And he jumps in and "does" himself, as well. The yard. The house. whatever. Laundry, cleaning the kitchen, changing the sheets. Doesn't matter.

Communicate. :)

SJP23....

Firstly....please make CERTAIN that your husband is NOT having an affair! Sorry...that had to be asked. Look for signs and trust your instinct.

Anyhow, I've been there once....and feels exactly as you do. That I was a single mother (I have four kids & I also work full time) and the hubby wasn't much of a dad/husband when he was home! Plus, I HATED not knowing or have a "schedule" so can make plans! At the end, I came to realize that when he DOES get a day/time off...he just wants to unwide and relax. I didn't ask/expect him to do housework or take care of the kids when he's home. It is enough that he spends time with the kids to "catch up"...not only with the kids but on unwinding/relaxing and NOT working! I had to MAKE myself to appreciate that he was willing to work so hard to provide for the family and don't ask for more. But...it sure did took it tole on me....I was pretty frazzled. I was lucky that it was only for two years. Not sure if I could handle being a "single" full-time working mother of four (ranging from10 to 1 1/2 years old) for much longer! :)

I just thank the Lord that he got another job. He also works alot of OT with this new job but at least it is SCHEDULED! I totally understand your frustration with NOT knowing when he works and when he'll be home.

I wish you luck and if you guys are financially stable...maybe you can ask if he can work less because pretty soon, your kids will grow up and he'll have completely missed their childhood...which he'll come to regret!

So...yes...let him veg and relax when he is at home and good luck!

My husband can be the same way. When we first got married, I would call him as I was getting home and remind him it was time to leave work. Once LO came along, I have insisted he needs to be here and be present in this family. He knows I'm serious about it. I still call each day at some point to see when he's coming home, mostly because he needs the reminder. He's usually really good about telling me when he needs to have a long day and I try to take them in tarried since he's trying to do better about keeping them in check.

i know my fiances schedule but its give or take an hour.. the company he n mydad work for have a few different jobs going on right now.. i always know wich job hes on so i can ballpark when he will be home .. if hes at the job in the city and he has alot to do i know hell be a little late because by the time he leaves he hits traffic.. if hes on one of the other jobs hes always home within a half hour 40min. of when he leaves if hes on the third job and he doesnt leave by 330 i kno it will take him at least an hour to get home.. hes in almost constant communication with my dad on any given day so even when i dont talk to him my dad will get home and say yeah there was a late material delivery so fiance wont be home for at least an hour or there was not much going on today he should b home anyminute.. but once the new job starts late next month his schedule will be all over the place cuz he'll be running it so who knows -my due date is the end of july so i guess time will tell to see how that goes =/

"So, what's your deal for the day?" I ask my husband that every night and if he's trying to work out what he is doing the next day he will ask me that before I get to it. He works inconsistent hours and long hours, he just told me the meeting he didn't know he had was set for tomorrow at 8:30, two hours away. So now I know for sure he is going to be late tomorrow not just because of the travel time and the meeting but because he still has all his work to do after. I guess all you can do is try to communicate with him. Bruce drives all over the area, I always know where he is headed to or is for the day, he always knows what we are doing, together or separately. I ask, he volunteers, it's a two way street. Supper around here is very fluid, I never make anything that can't either be put together quickly or kept until someone is home to eat it. In the worst of times everyone eats when they can and we all have dessert together.
Honestly, if you want to know what time he will be home, call him. If you want him home at a certain time, ask him. If you want to do something tell him. Tell him how you feel and how you'd like things to change, he just may want to jump off the hamster wheel. Plan family things in stone, summer is coming there are so many things to do!
And y'all aren't going to agree with me but... I totally get the "the kids were busy playing outside and no one asked for anything to eat". It happens here all the time. Sunday at 7ish I finally looked up from the boards I was denailing and started soliciting supper requests. Here we all have a tendency to get involved with what we were doing. Good luck!

Are you sure you aren't married to my husband.
This is my biggest complaint, I don't care if they don't ask for lunch, dinner, whatever, make it and serve it to them, it's called a schedule. And have them ready for bed at 9pm
It is 8:40 and my hubby has our 11 yo out at Boy Scouts. They ended at 8. He's letting ours play and chatting with the dads. Tomorrow I have to deal with a child who is darn near unfunctionable because he hasn't had enought sleep. I homeschool.
I can only tell some moms at church and in my circle of friends that sometimes deployments are easier.
He also works crazy hours. Since he is in DC at times the drive takes him almost 2 hours. Sometimes he leaves at 5 AM sometimes 6:30. Sometimes he's home at 6PM, sometimes 10. And if he ever gets out early, he volunteers for the church or finds somone else to help, I end up thinking what about us
See, you and I married the same man. haha

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Your husband is being very disrespectful of your time, and he's being a lazy parent. He needs a wake-up call. Talk to him and let him know how you're feeling.

You said the last few months this has started, has anything changed recently at his job? Does he have more responsibility or more workload? Has he always traveled for his job? Unless it's a absolute requirement, I'd have a talk with him that he needs to have a talk with his employer and cut those hours back. That's a lot of time away from the family and aside from financially, I don't blame you for feeling like a single parent.
Ok and this may be the negative thinker coming out in me, but i'd wanna make sure he really is 'working' late into the night and not up to anything else!

All schedules and providing for the family aside, does your husband have an interest in raising his kids? Does he have any desire to have an influence in their lives? If so, then he needs to realize that he's missing his only opportunity. Each day gone by will never come back. He can't expect to have their trust or respect for his opinion if he didn't raise them. He probably doesn't think of it this way right now because he feels the burden of providing for his family, but providing for a family means giving more than just money. If you gently bring this up to him w/o intent to injure or accuse he will probably come around to it on his own. And it means more that way, anyway.