To the Wives of Auto Technicians

My husband has been an auto tech for over ten years. He's worked at big dealerships and small local shops. Although the dealerships may have better benefits, the smaller shops are ALWAYS better to their techs (but like to have beers after closing). I've also noticed over the years, that it's real easy to work late when he doesn’t want to be home. Sometimes a problem car will keep him late, but usually they have some say in how late they work. Jobs in this field come open ALL the time. If he's been doing this for ten years, then he has plenty of experience to find another shop. Generally, each shop has several tool dealers in trucks (like snap-on) that come weekly. Ask those guys about other shops that might have openings or need help AND be good employers. These guys usually know a lot about different shops. If he's lucky enough to be in Austin and know Dave with Stahwillie Tools, ask him. That guy knows everybody he’s like the Kevin Bacon of the auto circle.

I don't know about auto techs but I do know about the sort of situation that you are describing and reasons for your concern. I don't think another wife of an auto tech that works somewhere else can be of much help for you in knowing what is going on with your husband.

Even if he's up front and working late hours I suggest that your anxiety about it is reason enough to find a way to develop better communication with your husband. Have you talked with him about your fears in a questioning, non-judgmental manner? If not, I suggest that is the first step for you. If you've tried discussing it and do not feel that he understands, now is the time for some marriage counseling.

By understanding, I mean does he understand how you feel and is willing to find ways to reassure you? Does he understand how difficult being at home all those hours without him is difficult for you? Are the two of you able to think together to find ways to make the situation better for you?

Off the subject but perhaps helpful is the suggestion to find a mother's helper. Perhaps a young neighbor girl who would come in and play with your son while you're at home to give you some time for yourself or to fix dinner. I may take time to transition your son to being comfortable with someone else but doing this will be well worth it for both your and your son's sake. At 2 he should be able to be self-sufficient enough for you to fix dinner.

Have you tried putting him a high chair in the kitchen while you cook? I think that if you develop a life for yourself that you'll be less concerned about the hours your husband works and your husband will want to be home more.

I would understand that he might, even unconsciously, choose to remain at work. Is it possible that he's having difficulty handling yours and your father's neediness? It sounds like you depend on your husband for everything including the ability to fix dinner.

You don't say what your handicap is. Does it mean that you can't get out and about and make friends for yourself and have play dates for your son?

My father was rarely home. He owned his own business for many years but even when he worked for someone else as an appliance repairman he stayed after hours to continue working. I know he was working because we kids would stop in to visit. I strongly believe that his work was much more satisfying to him then being at home with his mostly unhappy wife who frequently complained about his not being home but didn't work to make it pleasant when he did come home.

If I were you I would focus on making my own life more interesting and see what happened for myself. We can't change anyone but ourselves. I would be anxious and scared if I had the life you have described here. I might start with talking with my doctor about taking an anti-anxiety and/or antidepressant. I would find a way to get out of the house with my son. Go to the park, library, even the mall and people watch. I talk with people where ever I am. When I'm getting anxious I get out of the house.

If you've not done any of this it will be difficult to get started but reach out and find a way to make friends and develop a life outside of your home. Perhaps start with a mother's helper so that you can learn how to be independent from your son and him from you.

My heart goes out to you. Your life now, as you describe it, must be painful. You can make it better.

I am not the wife of an auto technician but work closely with them as a warranty administrator. I work for a major car brand. We are always booked with work. I can tell you all the guys are promptly out the door by 6pm. I don't know your husbands shop situation but I would assume things would be scheduled fairly well so that they weren't late ever night. Sometimes a big job could hold a guy late but not often. You may want to discuss your suspicion and see if you can work some free time out for both of you. Tech work is manual labor also. He may need fifteen minutes before jumping right in to house stuff.

Brenda - my husband is a mechanic (small independent garage). He works 5 10 hour days (plus 45min commute each way). I sometimes get frustrated that he doesn't have an 8 hour job like "normal" guys - especially when he doesn't get paid overtime, but I am proud of the fact he has a skill that allows him to work/create/fix thing with his hands. He used to stay late when we first met until our daughter was a baby. When our daughter was about 1 I put my foot down and now he is home almost every night in time to put her to bed and read stories. He wasn't actually working late, he was just unwinding with a beer with the boss.

I do know that he would never work for a chain as the hours and the wages are unpredictable. So Brenda, I feel your pain but I don't think you have many options unless you can have him tell his boss that 2 or 3 days a week he absolutely cannot stay late (but this will affect his take home pay).

I do think you need to have a routine with your son and try to stick to it - don't keep him up late just to see daddy. It is possible that your husband might take matters into his own hands at work when he realises he hasn't seen his son all week.

Good luck and hang in there.

My husband is a general contractor, and I manage several service technicians at a different general contractor, so I see it from both sides of the issue. My husband does often work late hours in order to finish a job by a certain deadline. Also there's the mentality of "make hay while the sun shines." In other words, if he has a lot of jobs, it's best to complete them all in a timely fashion so as not to irritate his clients.

The guys I manage at work also tend to work late or sometimes very strange hours. It just depends upon each client's need. In this economy, everyone is hustling, and we can't afford to say, "Well, this tech has already worked 8 hours today, so we'll have to tend to your emergency tomorrow." They would just take the work to another company. So the guys suck it up and work long hours.

I can say that as a wife, yes, it's irritating. As a boss, believe me, I don't love working the long hours either! I guess it's just what we're going to do until the economy improves a little and we don't have to scrap for every last dime... =-/

One last thought - are you seeing his overtime hours on his paycheck? If not, then you need to have a whole other discussion with him.

Honey, not to sound mean, but I was divorced with no husband and two kids. I had a 2 year old who was "attached", but I still made dinner every night. I had health issues as well, which I won't go into, but they landed me in the hospital from time to time and I just had to be strong. I didn't have the luxury of family to help me either.
You are right....there are things money can't buy, like time. But, time doesn't pay the bills. And, it doesn't sound like you can work more outside the home to make up for him working less.
He's at work 11 hours a day and you are at home with help from your father. It seems like having a better schedule in place on the home front might help a great deal.
Pick a dinner time and just go with it. Prepare dinner. It won't harm your son. In fact, he is old enough to be in the kitchen with you and help. Show him measuring cups and measuring spoons and let him help you with little things like that. Prepare dinner for the family and put dad's plate in the oven until he gets home.
As far as him saying, "I don't know when I'll be home" ask for a timeline.
Some nights its 30 minutes. No big. But, if it's going to be later, ask him to please let you know that up front. And let him know you can handle it.
I'm a single mom. There were nights I didn't get off work until almost 10pm because we were on deadline. Thankfully, I had great daycare that fed my kid and gave him a bath, etc. I did what I had to do for my checks. I was the sole provider. If I had someone making me feel bad about it, I would have had twice a hard time feeling torn. I wanted to be with my kids more than anything, but if I couldn't pay the bills, we'd have been in super trouble.
Try being more supportive of your husband so that he will be able to listen to being more supportive of you.
It works both ways.
Working super long hours isn't as fun as it may sound.
In this economy, saying you're not willing to do what is asked can equal a pink slip and that would be even worse for your family.
I think you just need to try to find a balance.
And, like I said, don't feel you can't make dinner because you have a 2 year old. There are ways around that. There are super easy recipes you can put in a crock pot or a casserole dish and have something really great prepared.

Just hang in there and talk to your husband without making him feel that working his head off isn't good enough. That will backfire.

Best wishes.

Ok my hubby is a technician , He use to work 4 12's and now he is working a different location and doing 5 8 hr shifts which usually end up being 9 hour shifts, never has my husband worked longer then maybe at the most 2 hours past his time and like you say it is usually on a day that ends the week. Or it is a job that was promised to be done and ready by the next morning. I do know and understand that if he starts a job that night he should/needs to finish it, it can be frustraiting when I go to call him and he says he just got a job like 10 minutes before his shift is done. If he is bringing in the $$ they might just have a lot of work. My husband usually opts to go in early instead of stay late. He did this for about two weeks a month ago when there was a lot of work He went in at 6 instead of 8 that way he could still be home for dinner at 5:30. He might be under pressure at work to take a job before he leaves and if that job doesn't go right it could run him late. This happens to my hubby some times a job is suppose to take an hour and ends up 3 or 4 because of complications. can't really write more with baby in arms but if you have any more questions you can e-mail me privately...it's a job that pays the bills but can be no fun for a wife

Although my hubby is not an Auto Tech we do have mechanics in the family. I know personally of a few chains where they have to finish certain cars the same day they come in. So I think he is telling you the truth when he says he doesn't know what his timeline is. Sometimes you don't know how long it will take to finish the job until you really get in there and start it. With cars sometimes it presents as one thing, then you open it up and you find a few other things. You have to contact the car owner, make sure you have the parts etc. etc.

If this is really effecting you family and it isn't worth the money he is making maybe you should sit down and talk about him finding another job. Or maybe he can talk to his boss about leaving on time once or twice a week.

You can't compare your situation to others single mom or not. Everyone's situations are different and what works for someone else may not work for you. My hubby works nights and I might as well be a single mom during the week. It's hard but we make it work, and you will too! One thing you want to do is make sure you have set aside time for you and your hubby to reconnect, even if it's only once a week. Having some "alone " time, even if it's just to watch a movie after others are in bed, does help!

So my answer to you is yes it's pretty normal in the mechanic industry, but I know that doesn't make it any easier!

Honey, I totally know how you feel. My husband use to work for Firestone also. He would have to go in at 6:45am and would be scheduled to work till 6pm, but would come home like 7, or 8, or even as late as 9pm. It use to drive me nuts. Especially when we had a new born, and I am a stay at home mom. I use to think the same way. I would occasionally visit him up there, especially to bring him lunch. That would give me some time to see him during the day. We finally just really got fed up with the schedule, and he started to look for other jobs. If you live by a military base, I would suggest he goes and applys for a job at the base Auto shop, to be a tech there. It's alittle better of hours, and they get paid per hour, and not per job. So they have a set time to be home.
Just keep your chin up, It might seem like he doesn't want to be apart of the family, cause he's never there, but it is the job. Hope this helps

my hubby dose not work in that feild but he does end up working odd hours sometimes. i do think that auto mechanics work crazy hours. different problems from car to car take longer. its not like changing oil in each car...its more like this car needs something with the transmition this car needs break lights, and who knows whats wrong with the other car. if you can take your kid for a ride and check to see if his car is really at work. or take him a sonic drink one evening when he is working late " just to say i love you". this simple check up might put your mind at ease. i am sure its overwhelming for him at times (as it is for you) having fibro. but i would doubt that work would be a way of relaxing and a "get away". sounds typical to me though. good luck.

I totally understand how you feel. My boyfriend is an auto tech too. It took a long time to get used to his schedule. People think auto tech's get paid great because of the amount they have to pay to get their car fixed, which is laughable. The techs (or mechanics as most call them) don't hardly see any of it. My boyfriend usually stays late for these reasons:

A car is giving him problems and he needs to finish it up
A car that has been waiting for parts just got the parts in
He only flagged a few hours for the first half of the day and is trying to make up for it
He knows his hours arent high for the pay period so takes as many cars as possible

Those are just the common reasons. On a given day its bound to change. Like one time the owner wanted him personally to work on his daughters car (he is the only transmission guy) and it was at the last minute. My boyfriend can never give me a time line either, and often when he says he will be out of there in 30 minutes, it ends up being an hour. He often gets home at 9 (even when scheduled to get off by 6). He also misses out on family time but theres really no other option for us. I just wanted to let you know I go through the same thing. I've just learned to eat dinner with my baby, and save him some in the microwave (which I know probably wont work for your situation). Hang in there!

I have news for you, its not just this field or work. My husband is home sometimes at 6:30 and sometimes at 9:00 or later. I also have a very attached child so I feel your frustration with a clingy kid when you are trying to prepare a meal. I sometimes feel like my husband also wants to spend time away so he doesn't have to do anything at home. I have had to quit thinking that way because I know that it is only ALL IN MY HEAD. I mean, who really wants to stay at work when they can be home with their family? Not many people. I am also pregnant, so its also very tiring taking care of one and trying to keep everything else in order. I feel your frustration, but I'm sure your husband really want to come home and see you and your child. It's probably frustrating to him as well that he has to come home so late. Just pray for patience and try to relax. If dinner doesn't get cooked, then it just doesn't get cooked. Make a sandwich or something. The day will not be ruined if something doesn't get done.

My father in law is a service writer for one of the big auto dealers - has been for most of his working career, and he has the same sort of thing (and according to my MIL, always has, no matter which dealership he worked for). Growing up, my husband remembers that family meals happened either at breakfast or on Dad's day off. Plus, management is changing their working hours all the time looking for the perfect combination of hours to get customers in ("early night" used to be work until 6, now it's 7pm, etc). If the writers are under that kind of pressure, then I imagine the techs are, too. Anyway, it's not just you.

My husband is also a technician & he wks late ALLL the time, every day he comes home late, most of the time after 8. Once he 'worked' til 4am! I feel that for me, he's making an excuse or reason not to come home. If he gets off at a reasonable time, he doesn't come straight home, he goes to the store & piddles around or goes to the store for just one item...the store is way out of the way in the other direction so it doesn't make sense not to go to a store closer to home or just wait til we have a shopping list. Or, if he says he's 'on the way', he doesn't actually get home til 2 + hrs later, he's only like 15 min from work. Then he spends 90% of his 'home' time out on the porch. I'm not saying that your hubby doesn't want to come home but if you're curious, just anonymously drive by his wk sometime just to see if he is actually working if you're suspicious or if you're just concerned b/c he's not spending more time w/you & that's the real issue, just ask him if he's happy at home & if not, then how does he feel, or what are his thoughts or if not, are they're just really busy. If he's wking all those hrs then the payck needs to show that. He should approach the boss & say that if he's being expected to wk so late EVERY night then he needs to either be put on salary or pd by the hour. Wking 'flat rate' is no picnic, believe me I know! In this economy it seems that almost every employer in the tecnician field is paying 'flat rate'/commission only & that does not pay bills. I hope this bit of info helps & if you're truly concerned, which is appears that you are, just ask your husband that you don't mean to sound suspicious but is he really wking late or just volunteering to avoid coming home then address those issues he may have. Good luck!