Do Your Kids Listen the First Time You Tell Them to Do Something??

My daughter usually listens and does the first time about 95% of the time.

My son...about 5% of the time. He is just like his father...if it's not his idea then "PFFT"...

Oh and we have used the same techniques with both kids. I have disciplined immediately when he/they do not do what I ask/tell them to the first time. Doesn't always work!

Totally depends. The older my kids get the better they are at it.

The more I follow through with punishments for NOT doing what they are told, the more they do it.

Now if I were only allowed to punish my husband this house would be in ship shape order! Haha!!

BUT...my 8 year old daughter is good at arguing. My husband and I have both cut her off from being allowed to argue back. She is getting out of the habit of it QUICKLY. If they argue when you tell them to do something, tell them what the consequence will be for it and ask if they understand. If they do, they'll stop talking. If they don't, they'll get the punishment. Win-win for you, mama!

NO! My 3 1/2 is awful about this. I swear if I said honey let's go to the zoo and then get ice cream and then the toy store he would still say "no" at first just on principle.

My older daughter will absolutely do what I ask the first time. She'll do it right, perfectly, accurately, with a smile on her face and a song in her heart. She is 9, but she was the same way at 2.

My younger daughter... sigh... she is 6, and it's like asking a puppy to do what you asked it to the first time. She's happy, exuberant, and eager to please... and such a total spaz that honestly if you ask her 10 seconds later what she's supposed to be doing, she has NO IDEA. None. She looks at you like she has no idea where she is, who you are, or what in the world is going on. The kid has an IQ of about 180, and totally marches to the beat of her own drummer. Literally I have to get down on her level, make sure she is looking right at me, and tell her what to do. Then I say, "Okay, what did I just ask you to do?" and she can tell me. But I swear, if anything interesting happens between point A and point B, she will get totally off track. With her, it's not a discipline issue, it's just how her brain works. She does eventually get things done, but man, it takes a lot of focus from her and me to make that happen. On the bright side, I am learning patience. Lots of patience. Breathe...

For the most part, my kids do.

Please DO NOT give up!!

The kids argue with you because they know how to push your buttons and if they argue, whine or cry loud enough - you will give in.

There are times when I have to repeat my request. They know if I get to counting - I'm not happy and they are about to lose something.

The consequences for not listening are the same - loss of privileges, games, XBOX and computer time...what ever fits the "crime"....

At 7 & 9, your kids should have responsibilities to help with dinner - setting the table, preparing the drinks, etc. they shouldn't just be called to the table. They needed to be involved in family things....that's my opinion.

Give them responsibilities. Give them chores. Make the consequences the same. Don't yell (yes, I've yelled and it really doesn't make me feel good). Take a deep breath, count from 5 to 0. If they didn't do what you told them to do - eat dinner without them. When they finally come in? if their plates are prepared, they can eat. If not. give them a piece of bread and milk and tell them that's their dinner - they should've listened to you the first time. Be brave mama!! Don't give in to whining. Don't give in to crying. YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Make sure your husband is on the same page. You MUST be a united front.

GOOD LUCK!

Our daughter did once I made sure she was
1. paying attention.
2. gave her a 2 minute warning
3. Thank her for doing it right away..

But it is my husband that after 30 years of marriage I cannot get to do ANYTHING the first time I ask and no matter how I ask..

No, and neither does my husband.
Seriously though, before you ask a child (or husband) to do something you need to:
-make eye contact
-speak in a clear and distinct voice
-the younger the child, the fewer words you use
-have the child repeat exactly what you said so you're sure they know exactly what's being asked of them
-sometimes a five minute warning helps (just a few more minutes outside and then we are going in, for example)
So instead of saying, you kids need to get in here right know and clean up this mess and get ready for dinner (which all they hear as blah blah blah) say specifically, Junior I need you to turn off the TV and come set the table, Junior II I need you to pick up your legos and then feed the dog (again eye contact and have them repeat it back to you.) It seems tedious, and it kind of is at first, but it works and after a while it just becomes a habit :)

HA!! No.

HOWEVER -- that is one of the things I did wrong. They didn't listen, and I resorted to yelling.

You start by taking a week, where you focus on nothing else. The first time they don't listen, WITHOUT SAYING A WORD, turn off the tv, take away their toy, pick them up and bring them inside -- immediately STOP whatever they are doing, and force them to pay attention. Do this all in complete silence.

It will take some determination, and you will have to put your life on hold for a week (since they have bad habits already), but it will be worth it, and will save you time in the long run.

Remember, do all of this without saying a word. You can do it.

No, you're not the only one. I'm starting to make sure I have their focus before saying something. If they ignore me, like he's playing his ipod...the ipod is then mine for the rest of the day. No yelling, I just take it. It's helping but I haven't been doing it very long yet...

If you want them to listen the first time,you have to punish them for it the first time.

Ok, my answer may be a little different in the consequences. If they don't listen to first time, then walk them through it. Not like a little baby, but help them to go through the motions. Don't treat them like they are misbehaving, but as a person who hasn't mastered the self control to follow through.

Your example is turn off the tv and wash your hands for dinner. No response, then go over get them up and say "come on, let's go wash up". Nicely, but firmly. They'll complain, sure, but the way you treat them will make a difference down the road. Hand them the remote and then follow them to the bathroom. Walk them through it without responding to their protests. It takes a lot of time, but when you're punishing for every little thing it gets old for kids.

My kids are grown now, but for the most part my kids obeyed first time, especially with their dad. they were just raised that way. Dont scream if they don't turn the TV off when you tell them, you turn it off, and NO TV for them the next day. Forget books get a piece of poster board list the household rules and chores when obeyed there will be privileges when not obeyed consiquences. J.

i hope you listen to what Aunt Mel Mel has to say - it is VERY dependant on the child, how much of a challenge it is to get them to hear and obey. take with a grain of salt anyone who says, "oh yes, every time!" yes, they may have an iron fist and their child is super super obedient - or it could be that their child is an "easier" kid. like i was a kid, i was SO sensitive to reproach and discipline, i very rarely had to be asked ANYthing twice, because i was that kind of kid.

now my son, on the other hand....lol. he has his DAD's personality. luckily for us there is just the three of us, and we can afford to be a little more easy going. there aren't two or three or four kids wanting/needing mom's attention, so there is more time and patience to go around with one kid. so yes, my son is one that has to be told several times. he also has a focus problem so even when he DOES intend to do it, he often has to be "reminded" several times if it is a task that takes more than a few seconds. on the other hand - we must be doing something right because we get nothing but compliments when he is with other people. he IS eager to please and really wants to do what he's supposed to. so it depends a LOT on the child.

it's possible, that the words, "okay mommy!" with that giant dimpled smile, is one of my favorite things about being a mommy :) it is priceless. and i probably get it about 1/2 the time. then some of the time it's having to ask a couple more times than i'd like...and occasionally, the battles you are going through. but we usually nip them in the bud pretty quickly because if it's obvious he doesn't WANT to do as he's told, he goes straight to time out.

sorry this is so long - but some more things to consider, are growth spurts, activity level (since it's getting colder are they getting enough excercise daily?), diet, too much sugar, etc. it ALLLLL factors in.

and to answer your question (finally) NO you are NOT alone!! and it does NOT make you a bad mom. hang in there!

Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson is great for respect and boys etc. At your boys ages it will be tough at first, but you can do it. My kids do listen and do what I say, usually with no more than two requests or so, no yelling. It's because from day one we followed that parenting style (in book and I know others who use it) where you take action after one calm warning so they get used to not having the option of 10 warnings and some yelling before they really have to listen. You always speak respectfully etc, but you do have to ENFORCE when they decide to disregard you, and thats' after one warning, not 30. Sometimes I do have to repeat things more if I'm sort of flaking and not paying attention, but once I say, "Hey, For REAL" they know they need to snap to. It's always a matter of my own consistency and not letting it get out of hand. Get the book!

Do you tell them or ask them? Now that my boys are older (11, 7 and 8) I rarely give them many choices anymore like they tell you to do when they are little. I tell them- now it is time to wash up for dinner, but only after they got the gentle warning first. Also, I hav learned that boys can only process about 4-5 words at atime, so teh more we reason with them, they tune us out. There is a great book out right now called The Whole Brain Child that basically outlines how to talk to your kids according to their age and what is going on with their brain development. It is a fasinating read, and I have found it hugely helpful as I transition to life with a pre-teen. Best of luck- I feel your pain!!

Hello,
I have four grown kids. When they were young, they knew that they would have a swift and appropriate consequence if they didn't listen. If they couldn't get to bed on time, they would "owe" us the time the next night. They knew it WOULD happen. If they didn't turn off the t.v., they lost t.v. priviledges. The consequence was always related to what they were doing. I didn't have to do this many times. They got the picture. The two younger kids watched and learned from the older ones, therefore, I didn't have to set as many consequences for them.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Yup, but mine are 15 and 17 and are always hungry so you bet they come the first time when I call them to dinner! I second "Love and Logic" and the Faber and Mazlish "How to Talk" books.

Yes they always listen, they act on what they hear if they want to. Otherwise lather, rinse, repeat.

I can't recommend highly enough the wonderful little book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. I've used these sensible techniques with my grandson since he was 2.5, and have had the most excellent results. I have spent at least a day a week for 6 years watching him, and seldom have to repeat any request more than once. When he does disregard my requests, it's generally because I've "fallen off the program," and not applied the easy principals.

One thing that really can help is to talk through the issues at a time when they are not pressing. Driving somewhere is a great time to chat, or while doing some project together. Once a child realizes you are willing to respect him and his needs, he's often immediately willing to return the favor.

Making kids part of the solution is the best part of this book. It coaches parents gently in ways to wake up their willingness to accept more responsibility.

Love and logic parenting.. great class. great techniques..

My 12 year old daughter is the sweetest thing and is always worried about me being happy so she ALMOST always complies with my requests, unless it comes to cleaning her room. My boys however(12,10 &8) no way! My 10 year old is the worst unless I am right in his line of vision looking at him he acts like I wasnt even talking or that he didnt hear me. Ughhh so annoying!

I'm taking down my previous answer because the more I thought about it, I don't think it would be as helpful in your situation as this book:
"Taking Charge: Caring Discipline that works at home and at School" by JoAnne Nordling.

This book will help you assess where the misbehavior is coming from and how best to respond and correct the child.

my stock answer: "1-2-3 Magic" video will save your life. Watch it 2day, & rejoice 2moro!

Honestly & seriously, this method of discipline changed our lives. Peace.

My boys are 7.5 and 3.5 and a majority of the time they do what they are asked the first time. My youngest has a marble jar and he only gets a marble when he does what I ask him the first time. My oldest has a rewards chart ~ he only gets a mark when he does things on his list either on his own or if I ask him one time. If I have to ask a second time they don't get their mark or marble and they don't like that at all and I will also say "and this time I am not asking" then I walk over and shut off TV, take away ds or ipod or toy.

There should be discipline for not obeying the first time. If you follow through with 100% consistency, then your children will listen the first time. No yelling, no ignoring mom, no misery. My kids listen well, except for my 19 month old but we're working on it with him. =)

With my older teens..if I speak to them nicely about things, its like they take me for a joke or something. They dont do it, or take their time doing it. But if I yell, curse and talk harshly to them, they do it immediately. I asked them, why do I have to do all of that for them to listen to me? My 7 year old sometimes just straight up ignore me. I know this because sometimes I ask her to repeat what I said and she cant tell me! I repeat everything I say to all of my kids. I have to loose my religion for them to listen. And I hate doing that. Kids!

I WISH my 3.5 yr old would obey the first time. No - you're not the only one.

Hi T.,
I'm finding that I've been sharing this to a lot of my mom friends. I found out about a program called Grooming the Next Generation when I had a friend, who had three children all under 5 all well-behaved! It’s a program taught by Dani Johnson, who was recently on Oprah and ABC’s Secret Millionnaire. The program applies to children age 1 to late teens. You will learn what you need to do to discipline your child with love and more importantly, groom your child to succeed in life by teaching them basic skills they need.

You can read more about the program at:
http://www.danijohnson.com/go/75940468p63

I have to talk to them a few times on occasion and find myself taking things away until they hear me.
If you tell them to turn off the TV and they dont listen, take away the TV priviledges, if they sneak and watch it unplug and remove it. You may have to go to the extreme in order for them to hear your voice

Maybe on occasion they will react at the first asking but usually it takes at least 5 or as much as 20. I ask how many times do I have to ask you and they say 5. haha

I do not remember asking a question.

seriously, that could be me. i take things away. or give rewards.

I have this problem, especially with my 6 yo DD she'll do things half way, intead of putting her shoes away in the closet she'll put them near the closet, instead of putting her cereal bowl in the dishwasher she sets it on the counter above the dishwasher. Unless i seriously take 2 weeks and do nothing but follow her around i usually don't catch it immediately, I always feel lilke discipline needed to be right then and there and it's such alittle thing, for me to stop what i'm doing, go track her down, make her put the bowl in the dishwasher and put up with the stinky attitude, i feel like there are so many bigger things that she needs to work on that i just haven't kept up with this stuff, and besides what sort of punishment do i give for this? my kids color, read or watch TV. i can take the tv away but we just don't watch it that much.

Sounds like i better get on this though, otherwise it will only get worse.

Kids learn to tune adults out. You have to train them to listen and respond the first time. If you decide to make this your household rule, you need to explain to them that every time you ask them to do something, they are expected to listen and follow directions the FIRST time. Additionally, tell them that they need to respond back, "Yes, mom" so that you know they heard you. Then tell them what their rewards and consequences are.
In my classroom I used to have a sticker chart for kids who followed directions the first time they were told. When they did what they were told the first time, they earned a sticker, and once they earned a certain number of stickers, that would eventually lead to a reward. A simple but easy way to go at home would be to give them a dime each time the follow a direction, and stick it in a mason jar (labeled with their name) on the counter. Another solution would be to use marbles or beans in a mason jar. The point is to make it VISIBLE for them.
If they didn't follow the direction the first time, they should receive a consequence. Appropriate consequences would be to lose time on something they enjoy doing for a period of time (such as TV, computer time, Wii, X-box, Legos, whatever they REALLY enjoy doing that is distracting them from listening). Once you state your rules, you start giving directions. Remember to reward them EVERY single time they do what they are told. And be sure to offer those consequences when they don't. They will stumble a few times, but in about a month's time (the amount of time it takes to build a habit) they will have it down pat.

my daughter is 2.5 and is at the age to test, and she knows how to do it believe me. BUT for the most part she listens within the first two or three times.

My son is 5. It takes 2-3 times for him to do what I say... I normally have to start counting (when I get to 3, he gets something taken away, goes into a timeout, or doesn't get dessert that night)... Overall, he's a really good kid though...
Good luck! Consistency is definitely key.. It's never too late to start :0)