Does a Workaholic Husband Ever Change?

From personal experience, I would say that a workaholic does not change on their own, unless you kindly point it out to them, in a language they understand and in concrete examples they will readily see.

Over the years I have planted seeds of time: that our children have only so many years at home before they leave for college, and that means XX number of summer vacations and spring breaks, and how would he like to spend them with his kids before they leave home? What sorts of vacations did he envision as a father?

What kind of family vacations would he look forward to? Totally relaxing by a beach with no interruption kinds, traveling 3rd world countries by catamaran, going on a European planned vacation where no one has to plan any details, a Disney cruise.....hopefully he'll start thinking about what types and how he wants to spend down time with his kids. It would be interesting to learn what he has in mind.

When I took this approach it turns out my husband wanted ski vacations with the kids, and it surprised me. We had never skiied. And once he voiced that, he went all out and took care of the ski equipment and ski passes, etc. I got the ski clothes.

This mathematical approach was really helpful to get my husband involved in knowing that our young family grows fast and we have a limited amount of family time to enjoy.

Even without a big vacation plan, it's important to plan the weekends with a few fun, relaxing activities. After only a few weekends of the kids and I going out with family / friends / clubs / sports, my husband wanted to be part of the joy, so he started to protect weekend time that he was able to.

So, with a lot of gentle questioning, and genuinely wanting to know what he would like to do, he has become comfortable voicing his opinion and knowing we'll listen and compromise.

There are definite cycles to the month I imagine for you husband's business. Perhaps you can protect a weekend that he can go in late, leave early, etc for a special trip. Hopefully with time he'll learn to prioritize a few big ticket items for the day and leave the rest for tomorrow.

I've never seen it happen. I've seen the couple work out a way that works for both people.

Instead of asking him to work less, try asking him to work with you on how to schedule some time with you and the kids. One way would be to have one particular evening each week to come home for dinner and enjoy each other. Or come home for dinner (1 HR ) and then go back to work. Or take one weekend day off. Be sure he knows this is important without nagging or lecturing.

My father owned his own business. He closed the shop on sundays. Other than that time we never knew what time he came home. We just got used to it and found other interests.

I suggest that if you nag and are angry, he may stay away more. Home has to be a pleasant place to be. I also know that until one has trustworthy employees the workaholic has to work long hours.

I urge you to find a quiet time when you're rested to talk about what each.wants life to look like. Do you have common goals? Why does he want to run his own business? How the two of you could schedule in predictable family time. Truly listen without judgement. Do not blame or threaten. Use I statements to describe what you want.

Best answer from Mum4ever.

Many people own businesses and it does take a great deal of effor and energy to keep it running and going. Does he belong to any associations or groups that help businesses be better? I'm asking because 10 years is a long time to be doing something. Is it successful? How does he measure success? Does he have a business plan? A business plan helps one to think about things as business growth and development. What happens in 5 years from now, 10 years from now with the business? It addresses questions of going public, hiring more employees, larger office space? It helps a busiiness owner hash out this matters in a way that is thoughtful, dedicated and beneficial. It also includes an exit strategy for the business. A business plan also contains how to close out the business by selling it or shutting it down properly.

If your husband has a business plan it would help guide him through running the business more effectively and efficiently. Perhaps he thinks he is the only one that can run his business as well as he does but running it by doing all these hours can't be helpful or healthy. He has to trust someone else to help him make the business work better for him and the family.

In my personal experience, sadly, no. For this sort of man, his personal identity is caught up in his work. Being too busy makes him feel important. Plus, he enjoys the level of stimulus associated with being overloaded, and thus gets bored if he's not. My own workaholic husband is a study in misery if his job slows down too much, and especially if it's so slow he's at home. He's retired military with a great pension, so his over-attachment to work is not a question of us needing the money. The same traits that made him very successful in a military career - thriving under pressure, working 14 hour days, handling multiple urgent things at the same time, and literally having "grace under fire" - are not good ingredients for an involved, peaceful home life.

One way to get my hubby to participate a little more in his own family life has been to frame his participation as a need. "Honey, I've got to have one kid on one side of town and the other kid on the other side of town at the same time next Wednesday afternoon. (And by the way, I don't manufacture the situation. It really does happen this way about twice a month.) It would be a great help to me if you could take our son to his music lesson. Daughter and I will be home after 7." Now it's a logistics problem. He LOVES logistics problems. Because he's now fulfilling a need instead of just "wasting time," hubby will then spend the afternoon with son guilt free. After the music lesson, they play, they talk, they build things. They have a wonderful time. Yet the same man would respond very differently if I said to him, "Your son hasn't seen you in five days. Could you take an afternoon off for him?"

Good luck. I'll be interested in reading the other responses you get here.

Self confessed work-a-holic here. It's hard to change behavior that is engrained. I'd have a conversation with him no kids around ask him what he wants from his life and what he wished was different. Maybe he needs an assistant maybe he's always worried that the next income opportunity isn't there. Ask a lot of questions he's probably feels the work load and or your livelihood require it. Change is easier if someone breaks it I to simple manageable steps.

does he know you went back to work so he could cut back?

I have no idea why you'd leave him for this. Your son won't be any better off with dad in a different home.

Play him the song "Cat's in the Cradle" and tell him that when his son is grown, not long from now, he will WISH that they were close.

Make sure you buy life insurance on your husband. Keep up with the premiums. If he doesn't like it, ignore him. He's working himself into the grave.

Stay close to your son. It's up to you.

My husband is in sales, has been for 15 years, 100% commission only and works non-stop so I get it. It seems like it never ends, and really, it doesn't. He doesn't LIKE to work that much but he has to since I don't work and he's trying to make extra so we can save for retirement.

Can your husband work from home at all? Like do paperwork or phone calls? My husband has a home office that he can work from but is mostly on the road meeting with clients. So if it's a really busy day he will come out for dinner with us and then he can go back and finish.

Our kids are 15 and 12 and he has recently taken time off to specifically do things with each of them. Our 15 yo daughter LOVES to go fishing with him so if he doesn't have appointments he will take her. Our 12 yo son likes to ride his bike and shoot hoops so he will take time to do that with him too. He NEVER works on Sundays at all. After church we always get lunch then go to a movie, bowling, mini golf, etc. In the summers we will all go to the public pools that have all the slides. About once every 6-8 weeks while my kids are at their dads, my hubs and I will go 80 miles up into the mountains and hike around, have lunch, hit some thrift stores, maybe a movie and come home.

It's not realistic to expect him to work 40 hours but maybe he can take some specific time off and focus on QUALITY time instead of QUANTITY. Good luck.

My husband has been a workaholic for years. It was crazy when the kids were little. When our son was about 3 or 4 he told his dad "you aren't the boss of me, she is" pointing to me. That really bothered my husband. I remember I was in the shower and he came and complained to me about the comment. I started laughing and said "what do you expect? You're just the guy who visits on the weekends and sleeps in the bed with Mommy". That hit home. He talked to his boss, got an assistant and stopped traveling as much. At that time he was gone abut 75 to 80% of the time.

He has gotten better about his schedule. He still travels a lot but instead of weeks its days. Our kids are grown and out of the house now.

Now the roles are reversed, I have now turned into a workaholic since its just us at home and he is still traveling. I just stay longer at work. I find it hard to not check emails on vacations and not to call into the office. I can't unplug. I'm working on that!

Well since he owns his own business then it's not likely he will get time off (not that he doesn't want it). I have known quite a few people that own businesses including my own husband, it is a sacrifice they make to get ahead and stay ahead. Until his business gets really big where he can afford to have a full staff running things he will continue to be working all the time.

My husband works in IT and works from home now and has closed his business. It works better for us and is easier during tax time.

He still works a lot of hours and that is something that never bothered me. Our daughter knows how much her dad loves her and so do my step kids. They know he will sacrifice time with them so they will have everything they need.

I think a good father has good quality time with their kids not lots of quantity of time with their kids.

Self employed here so very familiar. We own two businesses and one is relatively new. It is exhausting and I'm sure your husband would love time off but feels like he can't. I agree with the posters below about calm conversation and planning an activity every other week as a family. Sunday is our day to worship and have family time. Sometimes he feels like he has to work but most of the time he makes it.

Is his business something your son can go with him? We are fortunate that ours are. Sometimes when he's crazy busy the kids go with him. Give him a hand and spend the day. I try to make sure it's one kid at a time so each has individual time with him. Both kids learned a lot about mechanics by doing this.

Also I have found when my kids voice to their dad that they miss him he takes notice. Maybe your son can find a miss you card and write in it how much he would like him to set aside some guy time.

Blessings!
L.

My husband has a 24.7 mentality as I do when it comes down to our company... We are both on call at any time of any day. Granted, we both work from home. He does all the outside sales, negotiating, consulting and I do all the QuickBooks and financials, travel and managing transportation companies all over the US.

You said your husband owns his own business... I can say as a business owner myself, no one puts in the effort that YOU do when it is YOUR company and effects YOUR financial well being each year.

My hubby has been in outside sales and purchasing over 30 years. Being away from home was a part of it...... HOWEVER, he never missed any big day or night when our daughter was involved with a program at school... orchestra concerts, EVERY game she cheered for (7 years).

Could your hubby possibly do part of his job from a home office? I know working from home is hard and difficult, especially if you have children. BUT, maybe he could so some work after the children are in bed, etc. I don't think someone who is accustomed to being "on" 24/7 can change overnight.

Work with him and see how or what you can do to help him. Maybe there are parts of the company you can manage?

My hubby is always up around 2-4 am working and still has that habit from 30yrs ago by being up early to be able to catch a 6am flight. We are both up early and working a lot but we also take time for priorities for date nights, almost daily lunches out, golf, etc.

Our daughter, 20, was never effected like you say your children are. I will add.... our daughter is a part owner of our company and is involved with knowing how things work, etc so her involvement has helped her learn the business and understand what we are doing.

Maybe if your husband realizes that your children really need him right now, he could make some simple changes. The thing is.... he is working his butt off to provide for you and his children which is very good but there has to be a balance somewhere. Running your own business is not an easy job.

You can't change him - you can only change yourself and how you look at things.
Running a business is hard time consuming work.
It might be that he can't/won't delegate and trust others to get the work done.
As the kids get older, maybe they can help run the family business.

As for the unknown thing - well - you DO know where he is and what he's doing.
He's not gambling, drinking, running around with other women, partying, etc.
It is tough to not know when he'll be home but he'll go nuts if/when he has to retire someday.
Some people just HAVE to busy and working - and it keeps them alive.
I know quite a few men who retired, stopped working and died within a year or two.
Get the kids involved with his work - they'll get to know their Dad, his work and his passion.
It's not a bad thing.

my apologies for the negativity but my knee jerk reaction is to say no. i will offer one caveat. the suffix "aholic" means that the person is addicted to something. addiction means that the person wants whatever the activity is more than anything else because it rewards them in ways even they can't always understand. addicts can be treated but only after they've crossed a threshold where they really WANT to change the behavior. until he crosses his, the behavior will continue.

try to focus on your kids and make sure they understand that your husband's behaviour is NOT a reflection on how wonderful and valuable they are. kids are narcissistic by nature and will figure out a way to determine that it's THEIR fault that dad doesn't want to be around. do everything you can to disabuse them of this belief and keep all the communication as open as you can.

you have my support...i hope this finds you well. S.

Yes they do. My husband used to work 6 days a week from as early as 6:30 AM to 11:00 PM. I knew he was at work because I used to work in the same atmosphere.

I tried several times to get him to slow down and he wouldn't. One time I saved enough to give him 6 months off. He is the spender in the house...I made him go back after 6 weeks.

He was finally offered a job that would reduce his pay and gave him evenings off with Saturday & Sunday off, paid vacation, and holidays. Today he has our daughter with him because she didn't feel well, while I went to work.

It reduced our spending by quite a bit, but we make it work.

Keep talking to him.

I'm a bit of a workaholic, in that I really enjoy my business and what I do. It's so nice to go to a job you love. What I have to do is have fairly strict rules with myself about balance. I much prefer solving problems in the office to solving problems with housework, scheduling, kids, etc, but I do my best to do those first. I also quit each evening when the kids get home from school so I can help with homework and dinner and spend time with them. Then if necessary, I do my work after they go to bed or I have spent quality time with them. It can be done. He needs to adjust his priorities and set up a new schedule. Have your son talk to him, pull on his heartstrings. Maybe he will get home earlier two set days a week and not work a full day on the weekends. I'd ask him to start by slowing adjusting his schedule to come home one day a week and then build from there. When he's home, make it as seamless and fun as possible. Let him bond with the kids and make a nice meal on those days. That would give him some positive reinforcements to keep it up. :)

Having a business is constant and you really have to fight that feeling of needing to always check in. I often have to choose between family and my company and most of the time I choose the family outing or event, knowing that my employees and my company can live without me for a few hours. He must set up a nice work environment from home too. He'll need to check in at least enough for peace of mind in the evenings he's away from the office. If something comes up that is pressing, that will need to get done after kids are in bed. It's a sacrifice, but it's possible to do both.

I second the idea of vacations. I only get to take one week a year away from the business, but I love it. We also do a few shorter trips per year that might be the weekend plus a day. It's a chance for me to really focus on the family and fun. I do bring the laptop and I do get up at 5am some days to get work done, but then I close it and have a fabulous day with the kids. Maybe you can talk about a family vacation and the option of allowing him to work from there when he needs to. When you have your own company, you are never really "off", so don't push that, but try to work around it. My motto is "the business of life is the acquisition of memories. In the end that's all there is." I have that on my desk at work to remind myself why I'm working and why I'm getting away from my desk to make memories with my kids. :)

All of what the posters have listed is true about a workaholic. Get the song by Kat Stevens about the Cat in the Cradle about what the song is about. Many men do not realize this this is all about their life and how things are perceived by their children.

When dad wants to spend time with the kids, the kids have their own lives and don't have time for him. Dad feels lost and rejected but it was something that he could have avoided. I know the short sweet version of the song.

I hope you can find a way to plug in time to be together before your children are grown and gone and he has no one around not even you as you will have created your own life and he will be invading your space.

the other S.

PS Been there, done that, have the tee-shirts and sweats to prove it.

Workaholics are usually trying to address some kind of insecurity - trying to always get that elusive success to prove soemthing to themselves. Plus - he owns his own business! That usually does requirei way more time than the average person going to work for someone else.

How old are your kids? I think you need to appeal to his desire to succeed at parenting. Wait until you have his attention at a time that you're not upset with him. tell him you love & respect him - especially his work ethic and the way he provides for you and the kids. But tell him you need him to be present. Remind him of how quickly the years go by. GEt out an old video or photos of the kids when they were babies or toddlers. Remind him that X many years since that time have sped past and in another X many years the kid will be grown and gone. My daughter is 9 hours away in college and my son is 15 and we are shocked at how very fsat the years have sped past us. We feel like weeping when we think of all the lost time we can never get back. Remind him that no one on their death bed, or upon selling their company or retiring ever wished they had spend more time at the office or with clients. Help him to find balance.

It's said taht women want to be loved and men want to be respected - so find a way to demonstrate respect for his fathering skills so he'll feel that sense of accomplishement that he gets at work. Once the kids are teens that sense of accomplishment is so fleeting and hard to find as kids rebel and separate from their parents trying to find their own way in the world. It can feel like rejection when they're just doing what they're designed to do. But it can be devastating for men like your husband. so it's imporatnat that he connects with the kids now - particularly your sone before it's too late.

There's a man-sized book (meaning it's a quick read) called "You've got what it takes" and it's about what kids need from their fathers. (It is from a Christian persepctive but it's good - and not in your face.) He can read it in 20 minutes. Once he fully understands how valuable his part is in the life of his kids it may adjust his perspective.

Good luck mama. Pray. God does care about the details of our lives.

PS - "Cats in the cradle" - a very appropo song is by Harry Chapin.

My dad is finally starting to slow down and take time off, be home on time, etc - he is 58. He worked in the Navy for 21 years and I think that 24-7 mentality followed him, as it does my husband.

My husband is currently unemployed, but I always have to remind him when he is working that he is paid 40 hours per week, if he can't get his job done in those 40 hours, then he needs to tell his boss. He isn't paid to work 2 hours from home each night or to spend his weekends doing a monthly report. Maybe it's just a guy thing? I NEVER do work from home. If I do, I take that time off of my next week because I'm only paid to do so many hours.

Aside from him seeing what his working is doing to the family, I'm not sure what you can do to change it.

Sit down and add required family time to the schedule. Ours is Friday night. No matter what, we get pizza together, play games, pick a Redbox movie was call all watch together, and talk about what's going on in our lives. It's Family Night, and it's non-negotiable and not to be rescheduled.

I'd simply start there. We aren't workaholics. We eat together at the table nearly every evening, go to church together, and enjoy doing projects together. But it all started with Family Night. We added from there.

It seems like workaholics mainly change after they have a heart attack or something... But I bet he can change before that though it will be hard and slow I'm sure. Do you fully understand your financial position? Do you fully understand his company and what it takes to run it? I ask bc it's easy to say "stop working so much" but the entrenched person is usually overwhelmed and can't see the forest for the trees. So for one, I'd have a very good handle on your finances so you can clearly outline what money is needed until you die (seriously) and how much you are contributing now that you're working etc. Then can he actually hire more help? Is his business the type that you can turn down some work yet not impact the viability? A friend's husband has his own company and works so hard. I've wondered if he could cut back but she's explained his type of work requires his name be out there so if he cuts back, the whole thing could go away. Is that the case with you guys? If so, then specifically find how he can hire help. If not and he can turn down jobs/gigs/contracts, hold his hand through that. It's got to be so hard to turn down business but he might have to. I would also play Cat's Cradle daily if you can... And my husband sent me an article recently by an hospice nurse about people's last days. As you can imagine, they all regret working so much. You likely can google and find it. Keep giving him things like that. But don't just nag him to stop working so much. Really figure out how to make it possible or if it's necessary to work so much by knowing exactly how much money you need. I'm super into our finances so know it all to the penny and am always surprised when friends fight with their husbands about money. When I ask if they know how much they need to really determine if their husbands are being cheap or not, they don't know. So be sure you know. Good luck. A son does need his dad...

It's hard for a workaholic to change.
Usually when you're a workaholic, you're not doing it for or because of
someone else. It's their issue....alone.
So what you can you do? Talk with him about the issue you see in him
needing to work all sorts of crazy long days.
Let him know you contributing so he can work a little less in order to spend time w/the kids he is working to provide a life for. Tell him life is short & time will fly by leaving him not knowing his kids. See if your health plan has a psychiatrist he can talk to.
He needs to "see" via a counselor that a work life balance needs to be
acheived in order for him to be a part of & enjoy the family.
2 months means he can't hold to it....it doesn't stick.
He needs to see the issue/problem then see someone in order to change it.
There's a chance he can change himself but most likely.....he needs to receive info from a trained professional on how to manage his issue & find a work/life balance.