My Husband Does Not Make Time for Me

ijnteresting... I dont' mean to be negative but I would look into this a bit more... something dosen't sound right.... does he take a lunch break? Can you guys go to lunch together, can he sneak home at lunch for 45 minutes of "you know what"? It seems there is something else going on with him..

C.,
I sounds like you have done all you can. Now it may be time for some couples counseling. I think you may need professional help because it seems to be a problem that has gone on long enough and you both have been unsuccessful at resolving it.
Hope things get better for you.

If you've already spoken to him and he hasn't changed, give him an ultimatum. Tell him to either spend more time with you, or you want to separate. I'm sorry you are going through this. you could also try counseling for the two of you.

Lots of men get caught up in providing for the family to the exclusion of all else, just as many moms get caught up in the kids. Men who have their own businesses are under even more pressure. It is hard to know the answer as each man is different. Here are some possible ideas:

1. Have a date night once a week. Put it on the calandar and stick to it just like any other commitment. Go out and do activities that you used to enjoy together, so you have something in common besides the kids. Do things that make you laugh together.

2. Once a month, get a sitter for the night and go to a hotel. We would go out on a Saturday night date and get back by noon on Sunday. A mini get away can do wonders.

3. Take up an activity together....take a class....dance, karate, cooking, tennis, pottery, investing, whatever! This is again so that you have a common interest besides the boys.

3. Work at his business a few hours per week, even if it is just answering phones or covering for people who are sick. You get to be part of his world. It helps because "his business" becomes "your business". You get to experience why he works so hard and then you can relate more to what he is doing. He might spend more time talking to you about the business, because you'll be more interested, since it is your job also.

4. Make plans with girl friends or take a class on your own one night per week. Get busy with developing your own life and you will not feel so lonely. Host a book club or a card game at your house, take up a hobby, volunteer. If you have an activity that you are eager to do in the evening, you won't be so devastated when he has other things to do. Take up painting, knitting, blogging.

5. If you are religious, speak with your religious leader. Most religions mandate that a man look after the emotional needs of his spouse. Maybe your religious leader can work with the two of you.

6. Get some counseling for yourself. This should be just for you, alone!

Good luck! I know what this is like.

N.

Ok I typed this and then read some of the other responses. I don't think they get it. If you married a GOOD MAN, then what he is doing is providing for his family. And he NEEDS to be appreciated. Not being nagged to death. Read the "Proper Care and Feeding Of Husbands"
of Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" Dr. Laura Schlessinger. You honey have all the control. Men have simple needs. Respect Love and Affection. give him those and you will see a difference.
What I wrote earlier still is true too.
L.

If you are whining and crying and nagging everytime he is home,why would he want to be there. try using the honey approach....you know you attract more flies with honey than vinegar. When he is home thenk him, when he does sit with you cuddle up to him, when he does work thank him for providing such a secure home for you and the kids. Kill him with kindness. A little kndness goes so far. If he is not being criticized for things and praised when he is, guess what YOU WILL see more of him.

Be that girl he fell for and married. STOP the whining.

I know I may sound harsh, but I learn from experience, when I'm crabby and whiny he doesn't want to be home, when I'm telling him how wonderful he his and appreciating his efforts to take care of our family, he never wants to leave.

Couldn't hurt right? Good Luck

L.

Something is wrong. Men let so many important things slip their mind when it comes to family, but for you to be feeling lonely and crying about it seems odd. I don't know what it was like before and I don't know you both personally, but either you need to go to counseling so that someone else can make him understand what's most important to you and make you understand what's really going on, or you need to have a huge, major heart to heart where you figure out how to get through to him with your feelings. It's so hard to give advice when you don't know what's going on. Heck, my husband wants me to stay home with him and the kids all the time, and I do stay home with the kids and I do spend time with him often, but I love doing things and making friends and he's just now getting to be more understanding and I get to be in a musical at my church, yippee! Are you in need of some extra adult contact because you're at home with the kids all day and the only other adult in the household who happens to be your partner doesn't give you the contact you need? You need you time too. But I know how it is to think "When was the last time my husband and I had a date?" There's a book by Nicholas Sparks (he wrote The Notebook and A Walk To Remember and Message In A Bottle) called The Wedding. It is a great story about a man whose been married 30 years and suddenly realizes that his wife is not in love with him anymore and it's because of all the years he didn't give her the attention she needed. He proceeds to woo her all over again because he's always loved her but seemed to be at the office more than at home. Very good book if you and your husband could read it together.

I don't know if this is what is going on, but your story reminds me of one that I read in a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It was basically a "miscommunication" of love. We all communicate love to one another in different ways, and we all receive love in different ways. Your husband may feel that by working so hard to provide for his family, he is showing you how much he loves you, but you don't receive love that way, you would feel his love if he wanted to spend time with you. I highly recommend the book, it helped my husband and I understand one another's needs for love and how to express it in a way that the other could receive it. God bless you and I hope this helps!

I had a similar problem for a while...
So I went out one day and as a "surprise" to him I bought a board game that I thought he would get a kick out of (he loves board game like monopoly, etc, but we didn't have any at home...) So now every once in a while, after my daughter goes to bed at night I ask him if he wants to play a game. He usually agrees! (I think he feels too guilty to say no since I bought it "especially for him" Hehe). He also likes to play cards, so once in a while we do that too instead. Sometimes it only lasts 15-20 minutes and then he goes right back to work after one game, but it's SOMETHING and we usually get to laugh a bit together and have some fun...
Good luck to you!!

Stop crying and start talking! He said that spending time with you slips his mind, so REMIND HIM! You need to be put into his schedule. You need to sit down with the man and, without crying, without any drama, let him know that things cannot continue the way they are. He makes time for the kids because it has become a part of his routine. The same needs to happen with you. Whether it is a set "date night" once a week, or 1/2 hour after the kids go to bed, or a chunk of time on the weekend. Let him choose which, if you like, or decide together. But once it is set, stick to it. I run a non-profit organization for people with cancer. I could happily work 24/7. My husband has to stake his claim to my time, and he does. Do the same with your husband. Most important, you need to stop feeling heartbroken and lonely and stop crying all the time. That is nothing but wasted energy. You married a man who is a workaholic. The good side to that is that he is a good provider. The bad side, as you know, is that he will work all the time if allowed to. Stake your claim to his time and make sure to guard it, but at other times, develop an interest of your own. Find a hobby, or a volunteering outlet, or something to do that will occupy your own time.

Hello C.,

My Husband owns his own business too. If the phone rings and he doesn't answer it, we lose money.... So he answers his phone at restaurants, dinner table (getting better at that) and when we have general family time. I am a stay at home Mom and prefer it that way.
this gives him many pressures to financially secure our family all on his own.

We have been happily married for 13 years. The first 7 years, I cried... a lot! He would work weekends, evenings and during the day. I felt like Cinderella... watching kids and cleaning house.

I have a circle of girlfriends. It is important that you get out there and have a life too.
He needs to know you are secure in your marriage.

Surprising him is great! Make dinner and take it to him. Take him out to lunch once a week. Text message him or email him during the day. Make cookies for the office.

Whatever you do, always have trust in your husband. Divorce is not the answer. Feeling like a loved woman is.... Hopefully, if you show effort, your hubby will too.

Best of luck,
M.

Hi, C..
I completely agree with Lorrie. Those two books, especially The Proper Care and Feedings of Husbands, can give you the power to change your marriage. Take a deep breath, smile even if you don't feel like it, and take charge. There are little things you can do to make him think about you during the day: an email, a text, a note on the napkin in his lunch box or in the pocket of his shirt. His favorite meal. A compliment about how sexy he looks or what a great dad he is and how lucky the kids are. How lucky you are to be home with the kids because he is such a great man and provider. If you build him up and tell him how great he is, he will rise up to be these things. You will also feel better because you will focus on the good things. Meeting him at the door in a negligee or waking him up early with coffee and ... might work too.
Good luck! You can do it!

im going through the same thing. only my huaband isnt working when hes home unless he is helping a friend. my husband is either playing with his cell or talking on it, visiting with neighbors or friends, or watching tv and not even aknowledging me. lately he has been running anywhere from 20-60 minutrs late from work. he always has an excuse like traffic, stopped to look at a car, was taljing to work buddy in the parking lot. i know if u read this the first thing that comes to mind is hes cheatin. but i trust my husband. I dont think he is that kind of man and in addition im pregnant with our first baby. The only thing that is fighting mu trust and believeing in him is that he hasnt been satisfying my needs for a few weeks hes always tired or doing something else. I dont understand... Talking to him hasnt fixed any of it... i wonder if he really does care and mean the things he says.

Your husband is clearly taking you for granted and it is not a good thing.
Nothing you are doing so far seems to be working. This means you must do something different.
Are you afraid that if you put it to him like this: either me or your work, that he would choose his work. Better to find that out now instead of later. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life with him? If not, you must do something.
Me and time with me and the children or your work and not me and the children, you choose honey, husband of mine.

My heart goes out to you & your family for this situation. I have found a lot of guidance about how to deal with various marital situations in my life through books. Two you might find helpful: Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Loving What Is by Byron Katie.

Let him read what you just wrote. Sometimes it's hard to tell your hubby how you feel without him feeling attacked. This little letter you just composed is just what he needs to hear. Just give it to him on a piece of paper and tell him you are too upset and lonely to tell him in person....I think this will get his attention. If it doesn't, and he still doesn't take your feelings into consideration, tell him you want to go to counseling because you feel so alone, and you're afraid he's going to lose you if he continues these long hours at work. What is his priority? I, too, have a hubby who works ALL the time. Sometimes I don't mind, sometimes I give him a hard time about it, sometimes I say I'm a single mother just to tease him, but if I ever need to talk, he always listens.

Show him this posting that you wrote. If you have to, print it out and put it in front of him.

Also, since he does not spend time "with" you... do you both even have discussions about the day, about how he is doing at work, how the company is doing etc....about how the kids are, how your son is doing in school, etc.?

If not, then your Husband is missing out on HIS life, too. He toils and works and works and works....and all this while...he is missing out on living HIS life. TELL HIM....if he does not take time to smell the roses.... it will be TOO LATE, and you will be a widow and the boys will be fatherless.

This much stress and work upon a man, REALLY stresses them out, even if it may seem it does not. ALSO, I would thus, MAKE SURE he is fit, healthy, and goes to the Doctor for a check up.

Also, did this behavior only start AFTER you had children....or was he always like this? He NEEDS TO EXPLAIN HIMSELF to you...out of respect and common courtesy to you.
-Also, besides just "playing" with the kids, does he actually DO any of the child-care, and helping you? Or he is just not around and leaving it to you all by yourself? This is selfish.
-Also, is he actually in his home-office actually "working?" Or does he just go up there as an excuse... to make like he's busy so he can "avoid" the household responsibilities?
No matter what... he OWES you an explanation... he is neglecting his wife. If anything, he is taking you for granted... and it may just be his issues. But, he has to do his role as a husband too... or his wife will always be lonely. Tell him again, until he really gets it. Or, you will go on in life, just being a stranger to him.

ALSO, perhaps given the poor economy and LOTS of businesses sinking and closing up...perhaps he is VERY stressed about it and is fearing the stability of his own company????

All I know is, a man and a woman must discuss things... and it's very important for the "Wife" to KNOW ABOUT HER HUSBAND"S BUSINESS/COMPANY too. Do you? Does he share that with you???? My late Dad was an entrepreneur and business owner his whole life... BUT, he made time for family and his wife. He wasn't perfect...but he was a busy man. BUT he valued his kids and wife. BUT... he always kept my Mom and us (when we were older) abreast about his company....IF IN THE EVENT SOMETHING SHOULD HAPPEN TO HIM. THEN, we thereby could pick up where he left off and run things. Your Husband needs to do this....

Next, why don't you ever just pop into his office... and go to lunch together? SURPRISE HIM! Go to his office either upstairs in your home, OR drive down the street to his office there. Do you, the "Wife" ever pay visits to his office????? Why don't you? Show an interest in his office/work. Not saying that you are not neglected either...but, put "YOU" INTO HIS ROUTINES...instead of just leaving HIM alone. For me-- my Hubby works full time AND goes to school... he is very busy and rarely available, but he does stay home and with us. BUT GET THIS...my Hubby tells ME "Honey, how come you don't keep me company???" My reply is-- "Well, I don't want to disturb your studying..." BUT I GET IT... HE JUST WANTS ME TO KEEP HIM COMPANY EVEN IF I'M JUST IN THE SAME ROOM READING THE NEWSPAPER. He gets real joy from that....just the fact that I show an interest in "his studying room" and hang out there with him plus with our kids... he REALLY likes that! Just an idea for you....

Or, you both NEED to go to couples counseling... before you loose yourselves to circumstance even more.

ALL THE BEST,
Susan

Tell him you need him to be a husband, not just a provider. a husband has many jobs and so does a wife. he needs to be there for you also. some guys think that because you stay home and take care of the kids and they work and provide they can come home anytime. well, does he realize that you take care of the kids, do the shopping, wash all the clothes, clean the house, cook the dinner, and clean the kitchen etc. and you are not done with your day until 9 or 10pm?
tell him working isn't what being a family man is all about. He must wear more hats than that. if he truely loved you he would listen to your needs and come home earlier some days or plan dates with you. if you are crying because of this he should change the way he is running the family. no one should cry and feel alone when they are married. it is not worth being in a relationship with someone if you don't hang out or share time together. you might as well be single. at least you wouldn't be waiting for him to come home or hoping he will spend time with you tonight. you deserve to be treated better than how he is treating you. saying i love you.....they are just words. does he show it? actions speak. good luck and be a strong woman and take care of yourself.

I agree with a lot of the other women and their response to go out and do things for yourself but here's a thought. You said that your husband owns his own business right, have you ever asked to do some work with him? I know that being a SAHM is work enough, it's a tough job that never gets any credit, but you may try seeing if there is something that you guys can do together that happens to revolve around his business. I'm not saying that he shouldn't try and spend more time with you but instead of crying yourself to sleep every night, go into his office and help him with something. Who knows you could possibly find something that makes you happy and you get to spend time with him. He may need the help and he may not but at this point it's worth a try since talking and crying haven't worked too well for you. I wish you luck with all of your suggestions!

I'm sorry you feel so isolated. It is very hard to be a SAHM to young children, especially if your husband is not "plugged in" to you and your needs. I am glad for your kids that daddy makes time for them. My husband is also a business owner, and he works ALL THE TIME as well. His commute is about 1 hour so he does not have the opportunity to come home whenever he wants, but he works all weekend and works from his home office every spare moment. He will go in "just to send an email" and be in there for three hours. I guess that I don't have any advice for you, but I am in the same boat. This is a very hard economic time, and I know my husband bears a great burden to keep his business going. This creates a lot of pressure for him, and he feels that he needs to work harder so that he can "bring home the bacon" for our family. Your husband is probably feeling substantial pressure as well. I guess that I cope by stepping into his shoes every once in a while - He has to make sure that we can pay all of our bills and he does not have any help with that from me. That was a decision that we made together. Especially when you have your own business, the pressure is all on one person.

Since my youngest has started going to preschool 2 days a week, I have been able to go to a yoga class. I can't tell you what a difference this has made for me. I would encourage you to try and find some things that you can do for yourself. Maybe find one or two other moms that you can go for a walk with your baby in the stroller while your big one is at school. The socializing with other moms might really help you as well. I wish you all of the best, and I know how you feel.

Hi C.,

What worked for my husband and I (we had a similiar situation) was seeing a marriage therapist. He sat us both down (if he won't go you can go by yourself)and worked through the problem with us and now we spend much more time together. it helped us understand and respect each others situation tremendously.

So I would say it's definitely worth a try, as it worked for us.

Good luck,

S..

Was he always like this, or has this workaholic routine been very recent? A lot of men identify themselves with their work so they tend to overemphasize the job over family. I think one of two things are going on here. Either (1) he really does love his work and has a workaholic personality and he just derives a lot of happiness from hitting the job really hard. Or (2) something has happened recently -- if he has not always been like this -- that's either making him worry about work, feeling like something bad will happen if he leaves the job alone for one moment, OR that he's using work as a way to avoid some kind of problem at home or is hiding something. Regardless of the reason, however, if you have already told him (clearly, firmly, calmly, and when you had his full attention) that his devotion to work is resulting in neglect of you/your marriage, and how badly this hurts you, the light bulb should have already come on in his head and he should have changed his habits (unless there is something challenging going on in his work life right now that really does command a great deal of his time. If he owns his own business and there are problems at work, then yes he will need to spend a lot of time and energy there until it's solved). You may have to demand that he go to marriage counseling with you. Sometimes the mere fact you've landed in counseling is what it takes to make someone realize they have a problem; they don't take it seriously without that really major step. He has to understand that your marriage is in trouble because you feel hurt, neglected and starved for affection. Guys are kind of clueless about women's need for positive attention; they tend to take us for granted unless we make a big fuss about something. However most of them don't do well going a long time without sex, so if he's willing to forego sex most of the time, something's not right (unless he's always had a low sex drive?)So you should look into counseling. You could also schedule date times, book the sitter and put the date on his calendar. Obviously he's not going to take that initiative, but if you do it, he might honor the date and you'd get some time together. Good luck.

Schedule a couple of "date nights" with just you and him if you can....if it's too tough during the week, make it a Saturday night and maybe on Sundays all of you could spend the whole day together.....no work...no computer....

Hi C., My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately I agree with Tammy W's responses. I think you desperately need to find some time/interests for yourself. I also think that the two of you need to go to couples counseling. The two of you need to become a couple again.

I was not a stay at home mom- I worked part time, ran the household, had 3 kids, and thought we had a good marriage- husband also was a workaholic (not as many hours- but even at home he had his "own space" and was rather limited in the time and effort he gave the rest of the family). There was loneliness (apparently on both sides). I think our marriage gradually disintegrated. I still think it was salvageable, but after 20 years of marriage ) almost 30 of being together- dating, etc.) my husband said he wasn't "happy" and wanted a divorce.

I don't want you guys to have to go through that.

HI C.,

I read most of the responses from other mom's and was very surprised to see that most of the mom's make it sound like it's your fault that your husband is the way he is. I don't want to offend you, but I have a different solution.
I don't believe that us women need to try and try to make our men happy because oftentimes, the more you give, the less you get!

Even though you said you've talked to your hubby over and over again about him not spending time with you, it seems like he's really not getting it. Do you do anything for yourself? For example, do you spend time alone, with friends, etc. without your boys and husband? IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO DO THIS!!! Sometimes men take us for granted and it sounds like that's what has happened. I am a stay at home mom as well, and I know it's difficult to leave the family to do things for yourself, but it is healthy and good for you. It will also show your husband that you have your own life, interests and are an individual. I know you say he's a good husband, but if he's not making you happy, then how good of a husband is he? I'm sure you are a beautiful woman inside and out and you deserve to be happy and treated well. I don't have a lot of sympathy for men/husbands/boyfriends/partners who aren't doing their part. You guys have two children and I pose the question again, if he is not making time for you and the family, then how much of a priority are you guys? Balance is very important.

Good luck and take care.

C.,
Looks like you have quite a bit of replies - but I wanted to offer another angle.
My husband and I went through this for a while, I tried every which way to show him how much it hurt me. It just didn't seem to get through to him. So, I decided that I needed to be dated, even if it meant that I take myself out. I did.
I would go enjoy a cup of coffee and splurge for what I normally wouldn't get, a pedicure or a movie. It felt funny at first, but when my husband came home and I had dinner ready for him and the kids - then leave and treat myself... he noticed that he could either do it or I would.
This came about after he forgot my birthday! I decided that special nights for myself were very important. I probabaly did this twice a month, but he noticed AND HE CHANGED. It took time, but I felt that some of my needs were being met in the mean time. I felt good about myself.
If you enjoy books, go to Barnes and Noble to curl up in a corner and get lost.
No relationship is perfect, but I find him more attentive now.
I hope you find something that works for you both. Don't give up (on him or you.)
P.

Hi!!
What do you want to do with him? It might help if you make a plan instead of just saying you want him to spend time with you in general. It might be overwhelming to him b/c he doesn't know what you expect. Sometimes my husband and I just save a tv show on TIVO to watch together. That can be spending time together. Or I will ask him to come walk the dog with me. Or I will email him during the week, "Let's get Maki Yaki on Friday night" to plan a dinner out. Doesn't have to be fancy either. I think telling someone they don't spend enough time with you is very general and he might be afraid of what your expectations are. Or like some of the other posters suggested, make (or in my case "order") his favorite meal one night and have the kids out of sight (if you can!) or occupied.

Hi C.:

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I have a husband too who is often distant from me and tied up in his own stuff. I agree with the woman who said you have to start "dating" yourself. Create the life you want for yourself and he might follow. Either way you must find joy within yourself. I started doing things like dressing nicer (for myself!) and even buying nicer underwear and bras just for me! I take myself out to lunch sometimes and bring a great book to read. My husband is a good person and great father and provider but he doesn't have the ability to connect with me. Sounds like you are having the same problem. I hope my advice combined with some of the other great advice re: boundaries and other approaches really helps. Please let us know what happens!

It is so hard competing with a husband-owned business! I think it might be time for a date night. Hire a babysitter and email it to him so that he can "book" it in his planner (my husband remembers nothing except what is in his planner). I remember how hard it is feeling second in the race, but I had to remind myself that he was doing this for us. But ... that said, he had to take care of my needs too - so abduct him for a night out .... a quiet, not kid-friendly place where you can be alone - Maybe Houstons, Roys or another "couples" place. Maybe even schedule an early dinner - so that way you will have some time with him at home that night - after the babysitter puts the kids to bed.
Hopefully he just needs that reminder that work is important, but some quality time with you is much needed for you both!
I wish you such good times to come in the future!

You need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband and tell him what you're feeling. And I suggest you go to marriage counseling now before it's too late. Feeling lonely and unwanted in a marriage is not healthy, and you will be vulnerable to having an affair only because you are human and have human wants and desires. Having the open annd honest talk with your husband is your first step.

First of all, C., I'm am so sorry for your obvious pain. There was a time when I felt like you but I couldn't even blame my husband's job because he was at home but he was detached and distant and I didn't know why. It seemed like our intimate times were becoming further and further apart and that made me feel lonely and unwanted too. I tried everything to get him to understand and when my constant crying and talking didn't get his attention, I started acting just like he was. I became detached and distracted and when he wanted to get close, I acted like that was the furthest thing from my mind. He eventually asked what was wrong with me and when I casually dismissed him and said I didn't know what he was talking about, he pursued it and finally took the time to really listen to me and realze that his inattention to me really hurt and he realized he didn't like being treated that way at all. He apologized and went back to the husband I fell in love with and I'm happy to say it's been great ever since. I don't know if this tactic will work for you but at this point, it might be worth a try. And you know what? When I decided to stop crying and take control of the situation by turning the tables on him, I have to admit I felt a lot stronger about myself and less of a victim and I think my husband saw me in a different light too. Everyone needs to feel valued and appreciated and we trust that our partner in life will understand that. Sometime they just need a reminder. I hope this helps you, even if only to feel that you're not alone in your situation. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find a loving resolution with your husband soon. :)

My husband and I right from the start have always made Saturday night our night for intimacy, even if we are tired! We have a toddler and a teenager, we both work full-time, etc., etc. We have had our share of problems and finally went to see a marriage counselor. It's helped quite a bit. May I suggest the same for you, or, if your husband is not willing, you go on your own.

I like Eves answer because thats where I was going to go too. This may be a different perspective but I had the opposite, a husband that was very attentive and constantly there and no motivation to get a job and work. I was the only one bringing in money and it was very frustrating. It's also sufficating, I never had time for just me- I was working or entertaining him. I used to think I just want my husband to work, even if he were a workaholic, I would never complain it would be better then this. Finally after attending a church together and the pastor of our group saying it is the husbands duty in Gods eyes to be the bread winner and allow the wife to stay home if at all possible, he finally got a job and I got to stay home(only 2 yrs) but it was GREAT!!
Of course now I'm back to working 2 jobs(kids grown) and he sits on his butt at home again. His industry is really hurting right now and not many are hiring(so I am trying to understand) but it is very frustrating for me and really puts strain on our relationship.
We have been married almost 25 yrs, but I really wish he would become a workaholic- all he talks about is retiring(from what?) I barely make any money and I hate working 2 jobs but I have to step up because he won't.
Be very happy you can stay at home with your children. You should start out by asking him to set aside 2 hrs a week-one on the weekend and one during the week to hang out with you and make those hrs special so he wants more. Or since he spends time with the kids plan something every week with everyone and do it together-like hiking with the 1 yr old on his back and then you both can talk(or something you both enjoy) if you are out of the house he can't escape to "his room". Meet him for lunch at work with the 1 yr old-bring a picnic. Some of these ideas help I hope.
Another tactic- tell him you want a part time job when he comes home from work because he is not spending time with you so you might as well work too(this is empowering) hopefully he will say "no way" and then you can say then you need to spend some time with me or I am going to get a job where I can have adult interaction. Just a thought-just make sure what you chosse you can actually stand behind.
Best of luck.

Hi C.,

Wow. There are a lot of negative messages here. I'm surprised that so many women assumed that your husband is cheating on you or that he doesn't care about you--especially when you say that he does want to spend time with you and does love you.

My husband is a workaholic too. It's 9:30p.m. and he still isn't home. He left the house before six a.m. this morning, and I'm not sure when he will be home tonight. He also has a long commute and travels quite a bit. I know where you are coming from.

Listen, there are men who are driven by their work and who can't do less than a great job at the office (who are often children of divorce, by the way--they get busy when their parents divorce, and since hard work is valued in our society, they don't seem to know how to or understand why they should balance it with other priorities later in life). I don't think anyone should assume that their husband is cheating just because he works a lot--or, just because he is only up for sex a couple of times a month (yes, men get tired, too, and everyone's libido is different).

My husband is a wonderful man who loves me and our child, and enjoys spending time with us. He is my best friend and I love him dearly. However, he works like crazy and is nervous to cut back, especially since the economy is terrible right now. (Men are supposed to be the providers, after all. Think about how much their self-esteem and self-confidence are wrapped up in work!) My husband knows he works a lot. We do our best to talk about how that makes both of us feel. We are constantly striving to be together more. Marriage is about being together, but sometimes we have to be apart. That's just how it goes. I find that if I tell my husband what I'm feeling it helps a lot, even if things can't change right away. (It's also nice to hear that he misses me and our child, too). Also--having something to look forward to is very, very helpful--like some other moms mentioned--date nights and family time are very important. Seeing a marriage counselor is always a great idea, I think. You can nip issues in the bud before problems escalate beyond return.

Hang in there, C.. You are not alone, and it is very lonely to be an at-home mom with small children when your husband is gone a lot. (Those moms who said you need to get a hobby or volunteer--I'm confused. When are you supposed to do that?? You are an at-home mom of a toddler! Sheesh!)

Talk to your husband. If he loves you as he says he does, then both of you should be able to find a way to spend more time together and as a family. It's important for your kids, too, and it's not good for you to always be the one to do everything with them and for them all of the time.

If your husband has to work late, perhaps he can schedule phone calls at least with your kids. I know that military moms (think about it--their husbands are gone for a year at a time or more!!) rely on phone calls, emails, letters--those things help. Phone calls work well for us when my husband works late.

:-) D.

My husband is a workaholic too. I guess over time I've accepted that he is working this hard to keep our family financially secure so I am behind him all the way. But there has to be a balance of all things. Why work this hard if you can't spend time with the people you love the most? Isn't that why he's working so hard in the first place? If his priority is his family (the kids AND YOU), he has to make a concerted effort to spend more time with you. If gentle reminding him doesn't work (and it seems like you have done that), perhaps you can tell him that you'd like to schedule one night a week for a date night or something like that. Even if you don't actually go anywhere, a block of time spent with you is really want you're after. I know "scheduling an appointment" for this sounds really unromantic and forced, but it sounds like that's what it's come down to. It sounds like you really love your husband so I hope things work out for you. It's very hard to juggle all these things in life but remind him that his family should come first.

C.,

I've only been married 2 years now and we've been together for about 6-7 yrs now.

I guess the only advice I can give you is to have a heart to heart talk with him about showing you he loves you versus him telling you he loves you. Also, schedule things for him to agree too, like a wkend romance w/o the kids once a month. A dinner date, a movie night even if it's on the couch with the kids. Believe me it helps. You know sometimes it helps to write your feelings out and let them read it... I did that recently and my husband really understood why I felt that way and what he could do to help me not feel that way...

You are one lucky lady not having to work which is great for you & the kids but at the same time he is also the only income to the home so of course he's going to be at work more than at home. Sometimes I feel this way b/c I make more than my husband and work 20-40 OT hours a month. His job just doesn't allow OT and my position really requires it most times.

Another thing is that part of you feeling like this is also that you are dedicated to your kids and your motherly duties so no attention for you is also contributing to the problem. I would suggest for you to get a hobby, it can be anything from reading, to gardening, to knitting, to joining a club. Surprise him w/something sexy when he gets home on Friday and be sure to have the kids asleep or on a sleep over... This will spark his interest.

Most of all, remember that a man does not value who you are or how important you are... this means even your husband. We are beautiful and very important and we must always believe that, strongly.

Ultimately, he needs to start giving you attention and mending that broken heart feeling you have b/c sad to say this is how a marriage grows apart and how a husband can loose his wife. It's also how one party can feel frustrated and start hating or doubting their spouse. So before it gets to that point be sure to address the feelings.

Good luck and I hope that none of my words are offending or hopeless. This is from my heart b/c sometimes I feel the same way with my husband belonging to 3 softball leagues and running his own tournaments 3 times a weekend (Thurs-Sun) and I work my OTs Mon-Wed & Thurs 1-2x mo).

Take care and if you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm here for you.

~C.

I don't know what your situation is, but why is it he works so much? Is it because he feels pressure to feed and shelter his family? Maybe you can suggest to him that you work part-time to alleviate the pressure of being the sole bread winner, that way you are providing a solution to him for not having to work all the time. If that isn't the reason, then you just need to say it plain as day. "I cry because you do not pay any attention to me. If you truly love me we need to change your pattern of bringing work home. Otherwise, I cannot be the wife and mother that I deserve to be and you deserve to have."
Communication is key to making a relationship work on both ends. I hope it works out for you, you both deserve intimacy and a renewal of the relationship that created your boys to begin with. I sent up a prayer for you dear!

Hi C.,

My husband is also a workaholic and we have addressed our issues and things are better... but they take time. I can only tell you what worked for me and maybe you can incorporate it into what you have done and advice you received from others....

When he is spending time with the children, perhaps you can join them and have "fun" as a family. If he shys away from this, then there may be a bigger problem. If he doesn't then the children will love that they are playing with both parents.

To address your alone time with your husband - If you can get him to agree to being yours for one night/day a month (later it can move to 2 nights etc...). You take care of the planning and schedule an all day event or dinner and the movies or something.... if he is a true workaholic then he does good on schedules. Therefore, scheudle something and get him to agree to stick to the plan.. .no wavering. good luck and God bless.

C.,

While reading your story, I felt many RED FLAGS going up! I was in 4 long-term relationships over 30 years and two of those were cheaters! One I found out about after our breakup and the other just blatantly cheated while I was sick for 3 months, having two surgeries and going through the worst time of my life! I ignored those red flags because I still loved him and then later regretted it for a long time as he completely wasted my time (5 of 6 years). I’ve learned to always listen to those red flags!!!

The red flags I felt in your case were telling me that it all sounds wrong that he doesn’t make time for your relationship and your sex life which really can help couples stay close and together! He can make time for you and if he does not, I suspect he is cheating on you. He sounds like a wonderful father but not a dedicated husband. I’m sorry to say this but I felt compelled to tell you how I felt after reading this. I am also a bit physic and felt things were happening behind my back, which they were in both of those cheating relationships.

I am now in a wonderful relationship and my husband and I have been together for 2 years and are so close and happy. He owns his own business too but it never interferes with us!

Be careful, protect your heart because you do matter so much in this world to you and your children! Hopefully he will see what he is doing to you and your marriage!!!

Take care and good-luck,
L.

I totally feel for you. I've had a similar situation with my husband. The truth is, they aren't trying to be hurtful. Men fear not being able to provide for their family or not having a purpose, and this could lead them to making work too much of a priority. If you are a believer or are open to prayer, I suggest reading The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. That book has helped me out so much with different issues in my marriage. The author speaks of her own experiences and how she has learned that praying about them is the most powerful thing she can do, especially as a wife. I have seen changes in my husband. God is helping him find a balance in his priorities.

God bless you!
M.

Hi sister i found your question posted and it seems we are sailing in the same boat,im facing the situation exactly you are ,but the only thing is im the second wife of my husband,he has divorced his first wife,married me last year,i have a cute daughter,he was very loving and caring in the begining but now he doesnt pay any attention and always make excuses of job,im so worried and sometimes think of suicide,but looking at the innocent face of my daughter it prevents me to comment,imn much beautiful and attractive ,but unfortunate too,my husband would come ,hold the baby for a short time ,then eats the dinner ,checks his emais and goes to bed,next day gets up in the morning and leaves the home this is the overall routine,when their is holiday he would be busy to complete the left work at job and i really die every day

You have received some good advice so far, and some not so good. Take from it what works for you (and don't take the rest too personally). I think it's a big deal that you are feeling this way and something definately needs to be done. But start with small steps. I agree with some of your previous advice that you need to set up dates, not just when he has time or it's convenient, but set up a date night once a week and calendar it in. I know it's hard to schedule something like that with kids. But you can do a date night at home even, after the kids go to bed. For instance, my husband and I put out a blanket on the floor and eat a picnic there with candlelight and wine at 9pm on Friday nights after our son goes to bed. Try something like that, but get a firm committment from him. Good luck.

Hi, C.,

First, my sympathy to you.

My marriage is not going well. I recommend that both you and your husband read John Gottman's book on marriage. If your husband does not want to read books/articles, even a few pages, you have some idea of how willing he is to work with you. (My husband has never been interested in reading books on relationships.) Try to find a good psychotherapist and convince, but not force, your husband to go.

Good luck,
Lynne E

C.,I too have faced this promblem.My husband goes to work at 6am and doesnt return until well after 9pm.On the weekends he is on the computer or on the phone..I used to cry and get upset.There were days I just wanted to leave and go back home to my family.I used to talk to him about his absence from home and he also knew it was affecting our family.I had to serious think what my priorities were and what I needed to be happy.After some deep thinkingI empowered myself and joined some play dates and involved myself with activities to help me keep active 2 to 3 times if possible a week.I know for some this my seem a task to do but in the long run it help me feel not so alone.Even when my husband at home I still make plans to do things guilt free.And every once in awhile I will ask him to watch our daughter so I can have some Me time.I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and there are alot of women who feel this way..

If you wait for him to make time, it'll never happen. Take things into your own hands and "schedule" it! Get a sitter once a week or every other week to watch your kids - for an afternoon or an evening and you and your husband go do something. Go get a bite to eat, see a movie, go for a walk, something. Maybe get him to join a couples small group - bible study, bunco, cards, whatever you can find that will interest him. I knew a couple who had this problem and they ended up scheduling movie night every Saturday and I noticed that she even had "sex" scheduled in her day planner - LOL ;)

Oh sweetie...you made me cry!! I have been there and I remember the tears. In my case, my hubby claimed he didn't know how I felt about it until I was basically ready to walk away. I tried writing letters he never read, giving hints, etc., but until I really told him how much I was hurting, he didn't pay attention. Please keep trying to talk it out.

Doesn't mean you can't have fun getting his attention...how about trying a seduction scene...candles, champagne and just the two of you?...maybe he'll stay put afterwards and not go back and do work.

One last thing...we were around 8-10 years of marriage when that happened...the worst part. We are now at 19 1/2 years together and our marriage is better than ever. We are much better at talking things through. Keep loving him and fighting for the marriage you know you should have together!!

Good counseling is needed here!

Hello C..
Are you talking quality time or quantity time?
If it's quality, why not surprise him at his office for lunch, get something ordered on the way & show up at this office. Get a baby sitter perhaps once a month just so the two of you can have quality time.
After 9 years of marriage, it's not about quantity, but quality. I have beem married for 5 & was going through the same motions until I acted out on it.
Give it a try,he may like it.......
Good luck,
D

I think there are A LOT of us women who stay at home with our kids and the husband works all the time. I have one too. Although he has been better about it.
I don't mean to sound negative, but is he having an affair? He IS a man and having 'relations' only once a month doesn't usually cut it for men. Unless he's getting it someplace else. I'd do some investigating and find out.
Sine his work is so close to home, why doesn't he come home for lunch once or twice a week? Why don't you make a surprise stop one afternoon and bring him his favorite cookie or something?
He has the right to love his work, but he also has a commitment to you, his wife. I'd have a very frank and candid discussion with him.
I wish you best of luck! :-)

Hi C.....
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I have been there, done that too. I had 5 children and my husband worked 24/7. When I told him that I needed more time with him he pointed out all the nice "stuff" he had provided for me and the kids. I told him I was willing to not have so many nice things in exchange for a bit of his time. He didn't change his ways.
I felt I had two choices at this time. Either leave and try and support 5 kids on my own or stay till they were older and just make do. I started taking college classes to prepare for the ultimate split. I started out with nothing and I now have a post graduate degree in nursing. Just as I suspected...he decided to leave when our 5th child turned 18. He did it by having an affair.
I am in the midst of a divorce right now and I'm actually happy. I am hoping to find a partner now in the second half of my life. This is painful and hurts like heck but deep down I knew he would ultimately leave.
Try and get him into counseling and see if that helps. Read some of Dr. Laura Schlessinger's books on marriage. They are helpful. I am sending lots of good wishes to you and I hope this resolves.
S.

Hi
Get a babysitter and schedule a date night, at least 1-2 times a month. Just tell him that this is the date that you are going out to dinner (or whatever). This is a great time to reconnect and discuss
Good luck

Try Rori Ray at this link, she's good and right on your subject: http://havetherelationshipyouwant.rsys1.net Try her and good luck, there are all kinds of ways to fix this, honey! Don't give up if you truly love him!! H. Lowinger

C.,

My heart goes out to you. I think right now our men are concerned with the economy and are stressed about not being able to provide for their families. I know it's not easy and as women we feel like we have to fix what ever is wrong. My husband comes home in a bad mood for days and I feel like he ignores me and finds me annoying. Probably because I'm in his face trying to make him laugh and snap out of it. What he doesn't realize is that I feel isolated and lonely. I've talked to my dad about this and he told me not take it personally. He said that men are not very good at sharing their feelings and their concerns. They are terrified of failing and not being able to provide for their families. He said not to dwell on it and just always be happy to see him when he walks through the door. He also said to keep myself busy with other things and that things would get better when the economy improved. Not sure if this what your husband is feeling but maybe you could talk to someone in your church or a family counselor. It sounds like he loves you very much. Dont' give up and try making yourself happy. Happiness is contagious. :-)

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Name: Nancy betty

Country: United kingdom

I read ALOT of the responses, and there are certainly alot of different personalities and approaches out there! Everyone has been affected by their relationships in different ways, some more positive than others. The advice you have read is great, BUT...only you know your husband/the man you married! He could be a nice, shy guy that loves his family, feels the pressures to provide and please his clients, etc, etc...they thrive on their professional side, and in alot of cases, it represents who they are (in their eyes). It is VERY easy to get caught up in work and trying to succeed and meeting personal goals WITHOUT realizing the consequences at home. I am very tolerant w/my husband, because I have been in his shoes, but there is a fine line and if he crosses it...he's in trouble :) If you haven't always set boundaries, it's going to be hard to enforce them now, BUT it's never too late to start. My sister has a similar situation as yourself, but she never set boundaries and now wants them. It doesn't happen that way with men. They are like pets, that need to be trained (no kidding). If you let them get away with things for so long, you are setting the stage. Some people are not as communicative as others, which I think might be your case, because of the crying...men don't respond well to that at all OR if that's what you've done in the past to get through to him and it's not working now, write him a SHORT letter or email - he WILL read it multiple times and hopefully take action! You're not just a non-provider that stays home to take care fo the kids, so don't let him down-play wat you do, because he's the one bringing home the money. If that is the case, he needs a a taste of what you do all day...go somewhere for a couple hours during a hectic time of day :) if he makes a stink about it, make it be for your health/doc appt. He will begin to appreciate what you do, if he cares...and if he simply is taking you for granted and doesn't give a poop, then more drastic measures need to be taken.

Good luck and be strong!

Hi C.,
I know how you feel. I felt that way too. My husband works a lot too. I restarted an old hobby and I work from home. So I always have something to do. I scrapbook or it seems I always have work I can do for my own business. I also enjoy social networking sites such as myspace and facebook. I hope you feel better.
J.

put a new lock on the office door, next time he goes to do that the door won't open, or have yea thought of checking up on him when he says he is working making sure he is working ? time to investigate this , won't hurt to do a drive by, or get a babysitter, go up to his work, 15 minutes before he gets off suprize him with some wine, and a sezy outfit, take him out to dinner or a walk under the stars, be creative. Why women sit and cry about this, if you want change then change it, why put up with this one more day. Either try something different or next time he does this go turn on the lights and tell him either its me or the highway. Get tough