"I Am the Dad." Husband Tells Me

Okay, so I know that there will probably be people who disagree with me, but if this is your husbands first marriage and only kids I believe he was too old to start having kids. I know that there are a lot of people who have kids later in life, for all different reasons. But the problem is the older we got (and longer we go without having children) the more set in our "own" routine we become (ie - we become more selfish and self centered). Your kids are very young, and it sounds like he has been doing things his way for 40 some odd years. It's going to be very hard to change those old patterns of living (and I think because men don't have that "maternal" instinct going it's a lot harder for them than it is for us women). I think marriage counseling would be a good option for the two of you. Your husband needs an outsider to tell him how important it is to spend time with the kids.

I will say, on the flip side, there are many of us that would love to have a husband who got things done around the house without us having to nag them ;). But there does have to be a balance. I will also say that you are not alone in feeling the way do. I often feel like a single parent and my husband is younger than I am (not even 30 yet), but he was an only child and really never had to share anything with anyone. His mom swears she didn't spoil him, but I would tend to disagree. He can be very selfish at times. What I finally ended up doing is joining a Bunco group and leaving him with the kids on those nights. I also make sure I go do a few other things each month so that he has that time with the kids whether he likes it or not...haha!

anyway, hope this helps :).

Someone else asked for marriage advice on this site not too long ago, and I'm going to repeat the advice that someone gave before: your marriage is too big of a thing to be taking advice from strangers on the Internet. Seek counseling at church or elsewhere in person. I also suggest the book Five Love Languages by G. Chapman. I wish you the best.

This sounds like my husband to the T at around our 7th year. Add your move into a new house/place, and that stress just multiplied until the house/place is more settled.

If you read a lot of psychology books, you will find that most breakups occur between the 7th and 10th year because that's when both the husband and wife are tired of each other's flaws...and God knows everyone one of us has a lot of flaws. Relationships start to become a lot more work at that time. The work takes practice too. If you go into another relationship, the same will happen at around the same timeframe, so you'll be back in square one again.

I highly recommend reading the book, "The Five Love Languages" and then have both your husband and yourself answer the short survey in the back. It sounds like your husband is speaking his love language to you, but you are not seeing it and vice versa. Therefore, he will respond better if you are speaking in his love language because it means a lot more to him and vice versa.

For example, if your love language is quality time and/or works of affirmation (i.e. positive words) and his is physical labor, then you will need to show that you are capable of love by physically scheduling time so that you help out your church (i.e. leave the kids at home with dad to bond). That way, the kids get their quality time assuming that's what their love language is too.

You can also physically show that you care about your husband by scheduling the "couples night outs." Because my husband loves doing physical things, we go kayaking on our nights out. My husband absolutely loves couples night outs because he's getting the physical aspects from it and I get the quality time that I desire. I found out that he likes quality time after all, just in a different way.

We have a family calendar where I (and sometimes even my husband now...after he got use to the calendar) schedule things in advance for the family. Everyone knows what's going on way in advance. That way your husband gets time to finish his projects while you watch the kids and you get to finish your projects while he watches the kids.

I don't have a ton of advice except to tell you that my husband can be doing his best to be "the perfect dad" and usually what he is doing isn't the thing that I think is the most important. Often it will be mowing the lawn or other valuable work, when what I really want is a hug, a kiss and 10 minutes of baby hugging. You are not alone and this conflict doesn't make either of you bad people.

I have two suggestions: 1) Read "The Five Love Languages" so that you can understand yourself and your husband better. It helps you show love in the way that matters most to him and to identify exactly what he does that makes you feel loved. 2) Try to look at each of your husband's projects as benefitting the family and thank him for what he does. If you can't do it without getting emotional you might try leaving a note. Sometimes, when we feel valued we are more open to loving others.

I wish you the best.

It sounds to me as if your husband might have ADD/ADHD. Doesn't like being interrupted, irritable, impatient with children and messes, says things without thinking, workaholic (tends to HYPERfocus on things)... There are many books on adult ADD and tons of research can be done online.

A good website with syptoms listd for you: http://add.about.com/od/evaluationanddiagnosis/a/adultadd...

Here is on website that you can use to take a test to see if he might have it. http://www.adhd.com/adults/adults_could_have.jsp (The place to click or the test is on the right of the page.)

Just go online and search "adult ADD symptoms" or something like that and you will find millions of articles that might make sense to you in regards to your husbands behavior.

There are medications that can be used to treat it and there are foods that can be removed from the diet to help also. Gluten/wheat intolerance or celiac disease can be a cause of ADD/ADHD. I went off gluten and was able to go off my ADHD medication!

Good luck! Don't give up!

My husband is sort of the same way. We have a ten month old little girl. Everyone else has always been so excited to hold her, except her own father. I want him to want to hold her and spend time with her. I don't think this is about him not loving her or me. I have read the Five Love Languages book, I know he loves me and our baby. But to me loving her and being an active parent are two different things. And like one of the other people said, I think it comes from the example he had growing up. His father never went to any of his little league games, never changed a diaper, never did anything at all WITH my husband when he was a kid. I have accepted this and appreciate the few times my husband does interact with our daughter. I have sort of "forced" him to spend time with her by simply not being there. I take a nice long shower every Sunday and blow dry and style my hair during which time he has to watch her. I used to think it would change as she got older, but it may not. I have come to accept that some people have different views on the importance of spending quality time with children. My husband thinks that if I am around he does not need to be a parent because I will do it. And I have come to accept that being a parent means different things to different people.

Your husband may never change. It may ba a phase. Maybe you can appreciate the few moments he does spend with your son. Maybe you can ask him about his own childhood and his father's role. Maybe you can change your attitude instead. If he isn't going to change there is no point in your son having a bitter mom and you feeling resentment all the time. It will only hurt you and your kids, and not do anything to change your husband.

You didn't mention what kind of environment your husband grew up in.....did his father "work out in the fields, etc.", because if he did, this is probably the only role model your husband knows.
Obviously, your children and you need things from this man that he may not know how to give!!! I would definitely suggest marriage counseling....whether you have to make the appointment or not....MAKE THE APPOINTMENT!!! If you are Christians, I would try to go to a Christian counselor, not necessarily your pastor, but a Christian counseling group.
Unfortunately, your husband is missing out (as are the rest of you) on making some wonderful memories!!! As far as your husband being in his 50's, my husband and I are 60 years old and he always did things with our kids and now he does things with our grandkids.
Since it seems he's not listening to you, I'd RUN towards counseling - your marriage and family life are too important to sit back and do nothing!!!
You sound very sad and lonely - I hope that you are able to get your husband to see that besides the fact he is not connecting with his kids, he seems to have lost the desire to keep your marriage on the top of his "list."
I'll be praying for you!! Hang in there - fight for your marriage and family!