Miserable & Not Sure Why

I am not an expert by any means but I feel you! I will suggest watching a movie called "The Secret". It has a lot of stuff that will help. Try making a list of everthing no matter how small that he does do that you appreciate and thank him for it. It sound silly but I feel you both are looking for appreciation for all you do! Take a moment and step up and start the cycle of appreciation. Men want Respect women want love, it is hard for us to see each others side.

Ps.....on the dog, maybe a trip to the groomer with a short style for the shedding months would be in order. My Malamute used to shed bad! so I would trim him each summer.

Have you guys tried a chore list? If you could say "Honey, I'd love to sit and relax with you, but if I feel everything is messy I can't relax." The key is saying that you feel everything is messy-that means he can feel that the mess is minimal, if it exists at all. It's all about each person's perception. Then you might be able to divide up the chores. It might mean that you keep the vacuuming though. My husband and I went through a stage like that, but now we've reversed roles a bit. I want to sit with him, and he's focused on cleaning. I know it's because when I was pregnant I couldn't clean and he had to take all of it on. Good Luck!

Every marriage has its season of stress and strife. You can either choose to let this tear you apart or pull you closer together. The dog is not the problem. You and your husband are having intimacy issues--and that does not mean the bedroom. He believes the intimacy can be re-established by bonding at night. You believe it can be re-established by his relieving the stressload. Neither is 100 percent truth. Peace is an internal state that takes place regardless of your external circumstances. You are probably sleep-deprived given all of the situations you listed about yourself. The job alone would make most people buckle, but to have ailing loved ones, a needy toddler and a hormonal teen--oh yeah, and a DH, it's enough to make any woman think disappearing would be so much sweeter. But, the problems don't go away. So, what do you do. Well, you have vented, which was positive, believe it or not. Now, what else?
1. Look at your job and figure out how to work smarter and not harder. That means you might have to not leave 1.5 hrs. earlier if it means you can get some things done before leaving so that the stressload is lighter when you get home.
2. What is your 13-yr. old doing? I've asked my 10-yr. old to vacuum. Let the teen take care of the dog.
3. Put the 16-month old to bed at 7:30. I know, you're getting home late. But, that's got to change. You need to either be awake before the rest of your family or the last one to bed to have some quiet time for yourself and some quiet time for your husband.
4. When the children are grown, the parents pass away, and the dog is gone, you and your husband will be standing til death do you part. Do you want to just endure the relationship or really fight to enjoy each other. Marriage is work. Now you see why veterans say that. Those marriages that make silver and gold anniversaries have endured all that you are doing now. Love is an action word and not an emotion. You will have to meet your husband part of the way in order to see change. You can sit with him on the sofa, and he just might at least wash more dishes (he may not vacuum, but that's why we delegate that to our teen).
5. Try to get a mentor--a happily married couple and just watch them. You don't have to tell them everything you're going through, but if you don't see a success, you'll never know what worked and didn't.
6. Consider your marriage an investment. There are periods when one mate might do more than another, but there should be a balance when BOTH are equally committed. Though he's not perfect, it sounds as if your DH is contributing SOMETHING, so, try to appreciate where he is instead of where you expect him to be and watch him grow in due time.
7. Seek counsel. This site is nice, but you (personally) might benefit from a mentor who can help you prioritize your issues. Yes, we all need employment-but, the job cannot take more and leave leftovers for the family. Try to find a balance. Work from home, flex-days, and job-sharing are offered at many companies but sometimes not announced at companies. See if you might qualify.
8. Try to carve out quiet time for yourself. If you must work, make sure you take a good lunch break away from the desk. You sound depleted of energy and you can't give out of what you don't have. I pray--and depending on the circumstances, several times daily. This is not an easy journey, but if it was there wouldn't be so many divorces or marriage counseling programs.
9. Develop a sense of humor. When you see the dog hairs, the baby toddling around with pudding smeared around his hands and lips, and Dad frazzled beyond measure...I mean really, it's got Emmy written all over it. The best stories in life are bios. Look at the biography of your life and realize that all things do change. Your baby will soon be a preschooler. Your teen will graduate. Your ailing MIL will recover. The job load will change. And your husband will grow. Everything takes time. We've become a microwave nation in wanting everything NOW. Well, marriage and raising a family is more like a marathon or tilling a farm. Slow and steady bears good fruit and victory. Be patient, work diligently and love unconditionally. Oh yeah, and pray.

Hi- I would ask your hubs what is REALLY bothering him. Or ask him to ask HIMSELF that (and not necessarily answer you). My husband behaves that way when HE is really anxious or worrying, and I say one little thing, and all of his anxiety gets pinned on my like I am the straw that broke the camel's back. It has a lot more to do with his inability to handle stress, than my actions, I have learned. My hubs will do things I ask, but I have to ask like 4 or 5 times, and it is just easier to do it myself. When I get really overwhelmed I calmly tell him I am overwhelmed and need help.

He says that same thing that he just wants me to be happy- well that is him pinning his unhappiness on you. Tell him if he is upset or unhappy- he is old enough to own the emotion. You do not have control over HIS emotional state- only he can chose to be happy or unhappy. Don't allow him to make you feel like you are somehow responsible for his mental state. When I call my hubs out on this he accuses me of using my "Jedi mind tricks" which started as a joke, but now, due to my ability for insight into situations, I think he really does think I have jedi powers!!! LOL- cause what else are ya gonna do. And take a 2 hr break for yourself at least twice a week. Just you- pick up ahobby no one else in the house will like and just go do what you want for two hours. Hope it gets better!!

Hi There. I personally think that neither of you are "hearing" each other and that maybe a third person or mediator might not be unreasonable before things get really out of control. It doesn't sound like to two of you are communicating very well and it may not be a bad idea to see someone who can teach you guys how to communicate more effectivly. It's obvious that you love your husband and I believe he loves you too. It would be a good idea to get things under control before one or both of you throw in the towel for your kids sake. I am a divorced woman and have been married to the most wonderful man for the past 7 years, but I have to tell you that divorce is never the easy solution and my children are 20, 18, and 13 now, but it's been a hard road for all of us. Think hard about things. If your husband isn't willing to go with you (to see someone), then try to find someone to talk to yourself so you can at least vent, but someone who can give you some ideas where improvement can be made, as well. If you don't have God in your life, you may want to find a little time for something spiritual. You might be surprised how much it helps. And lastly, sometimes we get stuck in a rut. Every once in a while, I try to take a step back, look and evaluate, and make changes in our lives that I think may be an improvement. It could be something as simple as arranging furniture (as silly as that sounds), or repainting and redecorating a bathroom I am tired of looking at (because it simply makes me happy to look at a change of scenery sometimes) or it might be finding a way to come up with the extra $20 a week to have someone mow your yard so you and the hubby can spend that time with your kids. Right now, I'm working on getting our 4 year old out of our bed. Going bunk bed shopping tonight (and yes, we are on a tight budget just like mostly everyone else out there). We haven't had a choice about it until now because of our baby, but we are fixing the problem now. And,I just want to comment on the comment that your husband made about you not being the same woman he married. That, in my opinion was actually a compliment. I'm quite sure you have grown in many ways since you have become a mother and a wife. Take it with a grain of salt. You guys were angry. Try to be positive, always. It really helps. Try to be strong, it's very attratctive. We all have our bridges to cross, and it sounds like your plate runneth over. I could sit here and say there is absolutely no reason why your husband can't vaccuum n the afternoon when he gets home, but I'm not even going to go there, cuz it's obvious. The problem goes deeper than that and you guys need to solve it before someone really ends up getting hurt. Good luck to you and if you ever want to talk more, I'm available. B.

While most everyone feels like they are the only one doing everything at home while working full time, your constant battles over this could mean that neither of you are showing each other how much you appreciate all that the other is doing in your relationship.
The first thing I would do in your position is to sit down with your husband and come to some agreement about who does what around the house and on what schedule. Make sure that the 13 year old gets some of chores, as he is more than old enough to start helping out with that sort of thing. (Why can't he run the vacuum every day?) When you both see what gets done and by whom, it will go a long way towards helping to straighten out this prickly, but normal situation. It may be his dog and your son, but when you married each other, all of you became one family.
The next thing that the 2 of you probably need is some time away together, with no kids and plenty of opportunity to sleep and relax. You both sound like you are doing way too much and more than a bit sleep deprived right now.
Just my 2 cents.

It sounds like you both need to read the book Love Languages. It sounds like your love language is acts of service and his may be gifts since that is how he is trying to show you his love for you. It may be that you two just need a little couples counseling to get through this hump. Everyone goes through these tough times and if you guys don't get help now it will continue to fester and cause lots of resentment which will probably lead to divorce. Help yourselves now. If he won't go then you go and help yourself. You both deserve to be happy so i hope you guys can work this out by putting pride aside and getting help.
M.

1) Have a sit down when the kids are in bed and you have time to really listen to each other. Discuss the household needs, and how each of you can contribute and where you can compromise. Like, what if he vacuumed just one room a day? Or what if he did it while you took the baby in the evenings? Or if you shared it? Or what if the 13 yr old vacuumed (throw a couple of bucks his way)? Could you trade time for money and hire someone to do the whole house a couple times a month?

2) What about counseling? Often, when something fairly minor turns into a huge deal (Fine, I'll just give up my dog!) there are other things going on. What is it? A counselor may help you find it if you can't figure it out on your own. From your sig like, you have a LOT on your plates. I wonder if his reaction is just burnout from all the concerns and responsibilities he has?

3) Neither of you are the person you married. There's a joke that goes "women marry a man expecting to change him and men marry a woman expecting her not to change." So you both need to accept that you're not the people you were and how do you work together as the people you are now? It's not bad, just different.

Sounds to me like you and your husband are going through what is called life. Everyone wants it to be picture perfect like in the movies, romance and in love but then-bang! It hits you with chores and work and kids and attitudes and fights and resentments and then you pile responsibilities for other family members on top and pets and you just wonder how does anyone make it work. There are a lot of options available. There is counseling, there are books you and your husband can read, there are groups you could become involved in at churches and many more. It is good that you are seeking advice and not just running away and giving up. Your husband needs to realize first off that while he does not like to upset you or to feel upset towards you, your happiness does not just rely on him. That should not be all that he lives for or strives for. We like to make other people happy, but when it comes down to it I am happy because of how I feel deep down inside, not because of my husband or anyone else in this world. It is not up to others to make me happy, either I am or I'm not and that is my choice. If you haven't seen the movie Marley and Me I suggest you and your husband watch it together. Working different hours can be a strain on any marriage just as trying to figure out who should be responsible for what around the house. Chores are a part of life and they should not be held over each other's heads or turned into something you resent each other for. You have to make a compromise and come to an agreement together. Maybe you could vacuum one day and he could another. A date night could also do you both wonders. Another thing is a girls night/guys night. I didn't understand how important something as little as helping my husband to make time to go out with his friends to an all you can eat wing night at quaker steak and lube or having him help me make time to go to a friends for a scrapbooking party could help us both out in the long run. It is important to maintian your own identity while you are married as well and be involved in activities with other adults that you are interested in, and your husband may not enjoy as much as you. Giving each other a "break" every now and then can help you to feel less like you need a vacation or time apart. Me and my husband also go to a friend's house for a family game night from time to time. Although it's not always a bed of roses, you don't want your marriage to feel like a job or like a source of misery so sometimes you both have to put in some effort to make sure there is still quality time to bond. It never hurts to get help, we don't always know what to do when it comes to raising our children and putting a ring on each other's finger does not magically give us some daily love and happiness or the instant knowledge on how to maintain cloud 9 status while juggling every day responsibilities.

Good luck and God bless!

hi KR, i can totally understand your misery. you're in the thick of the work (and wonder!) of raising a family, and when it's this stressful it's hard to find the wonder. your dh is right....you're NOT that snuggly person he married, you've got responsibilities that cannot be shirked and you're taking care of them. but the reasons he fell in love with you are still there, and vice versa. you guys have simply lost track of how to communicate effectively. it's painful and frustrating, but it's totally fixable. a good couples therapist can really help you get the tools you need to get through to each other without fighting, and is worth the investment. you need and deserve more help than you're getting. it sounds as if your husband cherishes you and wants your happiness, but isn't hearing you when you tell him what you need. you're also being nailed from a bunch of other fronts, and he needs to learn to judge when you need action, and when you just need a sympathetic ear. there may be needs and frustrations that he has too, that you're not able to perceive through your own (completely understandable!) unhappiness right now.
find a good therapist, hon. you deserve to be enjoying this time of your life, and it's achievable. good luck!
khairete
S.

Dear KR, I'm sure lots of women feel the same way as you. I remember those overwhelming days too. I recommend the book The 5 Love Languages. Have a serious talk with your husband, tell him you love him and want to fix the current situation. Hopefully, he will be open to reading the book, and you two can discuss things and understand each other better. Then, perhaps you both need to lower your expectations - maybe he can vacuum every other day, and you can sit down with him for a short time each evening, or every other evening. Obviously, once you have kids, they are the focus, but it is important to nurture your relationship too. Good luck!

I didn't know if I should respond or not since you got so many responses. I didn't read all of them but I wanted to say,that your husband sounds like he is depressed. It may do him good to get counseling, and for the two of you to get marriage counseling. I would also suggest watching Fireproof and doing the Love Dare. I really think counseling would help you guys, because you both have expectations that the other is not aware of, and you both are maturing and different rates. The differences between men and women are suppose to make us more compatability,and equal but often they often tear us apart because we do not understand each others differences. God Bless.

I haven't read all of the posts, but I wonder if reading the book 'the 5 love languages' would help. It sounds like he might be trying to speak to you in his love language, whereas there is something else that is really your love language. It is so easy to do for others what we want them to do for us to show us love, rather than doing things that speak love to the other person. Good luck! I hope you are able to work things out!

No, you are not the person he married, and the sooner both he and you understand that, the better. You're a person who is taking on more responsibilities, who is a mother to a child you didn't have before, who is coping with a 13-year-old who needs your increasing help--and guess what, your kids come before he does. If your husband expects you always to remain "the person I married" he is in for a very rude awakening: You are maturing and he isn't. I notice that he has time to keep up a blog, but not time to help you out. Granted, you could relax a bit more about the housework, but for him to turn "Please help with the dog hair" into "She wants me to get rid of my dog!" to his blog-buddies sounds like a teenager, not a grown man and father. This sounds like it's time for counseling, as many below have said, because he may not be listening to you any more. Do try to sit down at a time when the baby is asleep, the teenager is away, and you aren't pressed to do housework or his favorite show isn't on in 10 minutes, and have a talk that is adult--no blaming, no yelling, just "I am feeling this way and I need you to know it." If this doesn't work you need a neutral third party to talk to you both together and separately, possibly. If he balks at seeing a counselor (and some men do--they see it as a sign of weakness to "discuss our issues with some stranger"), then go to one on your own for coping techniques and ideas about how to break through his inability to see beyond his "me time" needs. Good luck.

Doesn't the 13 yr old do chores around the house? Why can't vacuuming be one of them? My son (10 yr old) vacuums anytime I ask and even a few times when I don't. (He also takes out the trash and takes it to the curb, and puts away the clean dishes from the dishwasher.) If that won't work, maybe hire a maid to help out with the cleaning. Coming home from work and then dealing with housework is tough for both men and women. There are certain things I save for doing on the weekends. Your husband is pulling some passive / aggressive behavior on you. Personally I think your issues go deeper than dog hair. A marriage therapist would help you both.

Hello,

First, take a deep breath. I know it can be frustrating. I have this same sort of problem from time to time with my husband. I think many people do, it's natural since people are not all alike. I suppose embracing the differences are out of the question :)

Ok, here's a few suggestions I've thought of...
split the vacuuming - if he likes giving you gifts, have him invest in a cleaning service that comes once a week. Then, pick a day that your hubby will vacuum and pick a day you will vacuum. The other days, ignore the hair. Just make sure one of you edges the carpets and stairs periodically or you'll have a furry baseboard :)

Next, lay out all the tasks that are required around the house... cooking, cleaning (break it down into tasks), baby maintenance, quality time for each person (pick something they like to do) and all those other pesky tasks (paying bills, mowing lawn, laundry, etc). Make a list, however tedious it may be. Then sit down with him and discuss it. Don't attack, discuss.

If you look at it as a learning process and a divide and conquer process, it isn't so confrontational. Simply associate some time allotments to each task and some importance to it and see what you have. Maybe vacuuming every day isn't as important as spending some time in the yard playing with the kids. Maybe a neighbor kid can mow the lawn and free you both up from that task. Maybe you can plan to order dinner in on Fridays so you can both look forward to a slightly more relaxing evening. Maybe your husband can give the baby his bath on Tuesdays and you put him to bed... or maybe he takes care of the baby completely one night so you can have a couple of hours to yourself. Once you sit down and see what all you guys are doing and what importance each of you places on it, you may be able to uncover some reasons for other frustrations and some great compromises. (maybe the dogs can be confined to one level of the house so you have less to vacuum)

Lastly, plan a night out... every week or every other week. If you can't afford a babysitter, consider swapping nights with a friend. A simple meal out without the kids is so refreshing. If that seems too expensive, go out for coffee and a donut and spend some time walking around or something like that. It is so important to get that quality time with each other... even if you have to force it in the beginning. We try to do this weekly, but sometimes it doesn't work out. But it is a great way to talk about what is going on in your adult worlds... talk about the kids without them hearing it, tell funny stories about your childhood and what your parents did that drove you crazy, talk about work and how it's going, talk about things you would like to do together someday (trips/vacation, events, etc).

Good luck to you. I know this is difficult and it doesn't resolve itself quickly, but if you both look at it from each other's eyes and talk about your own expectations...you are bound to work it out. We all go through this stuff... more than once.

Take care,
Liz

A lot of members have already provided some great advice - love the idea of the auto vacuum! I can't say that I am in the same situation as you are since we only have one child at the moment, but I was also letting myself get crazy about all the chores that needed to be done around the house. My husband is great and helps out but sometimes needs to be told what to do and it can drive me nutty when he doesn't SEE the same mess / problems I am seeing. I work full-time as well and get home after my husband. I would come in the house, play and feed the baby, get her bathed and in bed (with hubby's assistance) and then it was time to cook dinner, do the dishes, swiffer the floors, etc, etc, etc. I would get to bed after 11 every night without ever just sitting down. My husband would say that I needed to relax, come sit on the couch, etc but how could I when so much needed to be done!
Then, one day, I just said fine and sat down. I decided I was no longer going to be responsible for everything. If he was hungry he could go cook dinner, we could throw all the pots, pans, bottles etc in the dishwasher instead of washing the big things by hand. The floor needs to be swiffered but another day would not hurt. I just let it go. And I am MUCH happier now. My husband was right - I needed to sit and be snuggled and take a few deep breaths and just enjoy myself. Every night now after my daughter goes to bed we stretch out on the couch, talk about our days, etc. If we are too tired to cook we have sandwiches.
As women I think we take on too much. We see everything as our responsibility. We think that if we don't do it we are bad mothers, wives, etc. when really all anyone wants from us is to see us happy, enjoying our lives and our families. Dog hair on the carpet isn't the ideal situation especially with a 16 month old in the house, but it is not as important as your marriage and your happiness.
Good luck!

heres your options: get a maid, do all the cleaning in the morning, only clean on weekends, keep doing what you're doing or sit down and talk it over what needs to be done and split the chores. if he doesnt like vacuuming you do it and have him do dishes instead. if you dont clean in the morning and he doesnt clean in the afternoon then you will both have to clean when you are both home aand that takes from snuggle time. if everything is done as its needed there wont be any cleaning left. as soon as you dirty a dish put it in the dishwasher or put clothes straight into the washer once its full turn it on. it really just sounds like he cant handle a baby or that hes using him as his excuse.

Hi I too had similar problems with my DH and we went to a great couples counselor that helped IMMENSELY!! Here name was Beth Spring and she's in Reston, VA (not sure how close you are). We also read the book The Five Love Languages which helped us to understand why certain "attentions" we gave each other weren't working and it was because what mattered to us in a relationship wasn't the same. It's a great book and you can also get it on audio book if you have a long commute. Not sure what your husband is open to, but these things helped us. Hope this helps.

Kr,
Alot of us are having the same similar feelings. Many relationships are being tested, due to the financial strain everyone is under. Find comfort you are not alone and talk to your friends for support sometimes if we just let it out it sounds dumb or they can put us back into place. Good friends will let you to shut up or your being dramatic.

The best book that I've read regarding relationships, any really, is the 5 love languages. I don't know if you've read it but there are 5 different languages that people use or need to communicate love. They are 1. giving gifts 2. words of affirmation 3.spending quality time 4. physical touch and 5. acts of service. It sounds like his may be quality time where you may be acts of service. You are showing him how you love him by all the service you perform for him. But maybe that is not his language, he needs quality time with you or he doesn't feel loved. The book recommends doing things in the other person's language, whether they are doing things in your language or not. My husband's language is acts of service and physical touch. But mine is quality time. I find myself spending time with him (thinking that is how I feel loved so he must too) but really what he wants is me to help him do things. So I try to work harder at serving him (not being his servant) but things like making his lunch or mowing the lawn so he can spend extra time studying, etc. I would get the book. Obviously you love each other, but real life has kind of gotten in the way. Just a thought.

As far as the vaccuming goes, why don't you invest in a Roomba (those little robotic vaccumes). My neighbor has two cats and a dog and bought a roomba at costco and swears by it. That way neither you nor your husband have to spend time every day vaccuming. There are bigger issues though and it might be worthwhile to talk to a professional.

It sounds like you & your husband need to reconnect. It is so easy to look at everything that needs to get done for the house & kids that we sometimes forget about the most important part of our family life...our relationship with our spouse. That takes work and active participation. Try giving your husband a few nights of attention, even if it is just sitting on the couch. Let the dog hair, mess, etc. go and focus on your relationship with your husband a little. It sounds like he is feeling neglected. I went through this with my husband, minus the dog issue. A little attention goes a long way. Then sit down and have a mature conversation about the responsibilities in the family and how they need to be divided. Mention that since the dog was his before your marriage that you would like that to be his responsibility if he prefers that you take on most of the baby duties. It is entirely his choice whether or not to give the dog up, but it is HIS responsibility and HIS decision. I f he brushed the dog everyday (while watching TV even) there would be less mess around the house. Also mention that you don't appreciate his playing the victim on his blog. He is an adult and you are not making him do anything, you are asking him to help your family be the best it can. Divide the work. Don't keep a scorecard on who does what...you are a TEAM! Good luck!

KB:

Hello! I'm sorry you are going through this.

My first instinct is to say that your husband is an immature, snot-nosed brat - I know that's harsh - but he'd rather get rid of a dog rather than vacuum!? PLEASE!!!

It's also VERY scary that he says he "lives to make you happy" that's a controlling sentence. You're MARRIED - not dating. You are SOOOO right - when you were dating, you didn't have the same RESPONSIBILITIES you have NOW. It's called LIFE.

If you can afford it - hire a maid service to come in weekly or bi-weekly. This will take the stress off both of you in a HUGE way!

He states he's depressed? Have him go to the Dr and get meds for it. Then he needs to GROW UP. He's a husband and a father. He needs to understand that YOU cannot handle a messy home and can't just throw yourself down on the couch and be a couch potato. However, YOU do NOT have to clean the house EVERY DAY. I know all about the dog hair - it's a pain in the butt - especially with a 16-month old around the house!

1. Consider counseling - it might work for the two of you.
2. A "chore chart" might work as well
3. Your 13 year old should be doing chores and helping out with his baby brother.
4. Set a day to do things around the house. I know you want it done every day - but that's not always feasible unless you give this as a chore for your 13 year old to do.

I would venture to guess that your 13-year olds bad choices of late are a reprecussion of the state of your marriage.

1. Institute a family night - one night of the week that you make pizza, or order in something - computers off - cell phones off - telephones off - and it's ALL about the family - not about the mess, dog hair or anything else!

2. Institute a date night - JUST FOR THE TWO OF YOU - if you can't afford a babysitter - pull out a blanket and lay it on the living room floor - if you drink wine, bring a bottle and two glasses for you guys and talk - laugh and be merry. You both have sooo much on your plates that you are not connecting as husband and wife. Date each other again - it doesn't mean that you can't acknowledge that there isn't other stuff going on in your lives - but you have a MARRIAGE and marriage is a full time job that you don't get paid for and the rewards of which do not come until much later in life. It's not about the kids - it's about the two of you! You have kids - GREAT! That's a great thing! You have a home - that's a GREAT thing - yes, things need to be done around the home, but your marriage needs to be a #1 priority.

You both need a night out with the friends - to be YOURSELF, not the wife, mother, etc. just to be YOU. I realize some can't afford to do this weekly - every other week or whatever works for your schedule. If you and your friends are financially strapped - use your brains and find out a way to save money but get together - do a pot luck dinner at one your homes - rent movies and watch them at one of your houses instead of paying $13 and more to go to a movie - it can work. It DOES work! You just have to want to make it work.

I truly hope that things work out for you guys! I will keep you in my prayers. Please feel free to contact me privately to help you out with date nights and such!

Take good care! God Bless!

Cheryl
Communication is KEY to a marriage. It shouldn't turn into a fight with yelling and screaming. He needs to understand your expectations and you need to understand his. This is why communication is key.

Marriage counseling. I say that not to punt on your question, but because I know EXACTLY how you feel (my worst-stress period consisted of major depression, a dying mother 600 miles away, a sister near the mom who was neglecting her shamefully, two young kids and the oldest diagnosed with ADHD). Been there. And because of that, I know that it is almost impossible to sort through this stuff without a neutral third party. But I think it can be done, and it sounds like you guys still have a lot of love in the bank.
Feel free to message me off-line and I can suggest the names of a good counselor in the SEverna Park area (if that's not too far away for you).

Hi KR,

There is always a bigger picture. The dog's hair is a problem, but let's face it, he did not just get the dog. It was part of the package you loved and accepted. Perhaps you have something more going on. Sometimes we have things going on that are not even apparent. When this happens, we tend to "unknowingly" hit out at the closest person to us. Your poor dear hubby is not the problem...it is without a doubt, you. You need to take some time for yourself, just to be with yourself, by yourself, some personal quality time to do some soul-searching. When everything starts to get on your nerves, even talking to the man, it is a sure sign you are making him your problem. Yes, you are hitting out at him, he can do no right along about now. The poor man has said he lives to make you happy. That should have been your cue. Your case is obviously very serious, because at this point you cannot see the forest for the trees. You perhaps better get out of your own way before it is too late and you have caused some irreparable damage. Take a couple of days for you. It does sound as if you could be overwhelmed, not at or with the husband, but rather at circumstances in your life...some your choices, and other beyond your control. I would hope you are not trying to make your husband one of those "circumstances." Life is too short and times are just too hard. Just STOP IT!!!

You guys are in desperate need of some major alone time...whether it be a date night or a weekend away from all your weekly stressors. I firmly believe that if you don't find some time to just be alone with your husband, the man you married, then your relationship will suffer even more. Just like you nurture a baby, you have to nurture you marriage. Now men can be babies at times, not at all the superwoman that women are and that you seem to be; don't knock what you're doing but next time you get upset with him, try to really listen to what he is saying. You both just sound like you're overwhelmed from life and need some time away. Hope this helps. GOOD LUCK!!!

I highlr recommend that you get the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It opened my husband's eyes to what wouldmake me feel loved and helped me to see his needs as well. My husband gave it as gifts to many people because he liked it so much. It sounds like you both are probably feeling unappreciated and perhaps unloved and almost certainly misunderstood. It sounds like your husband's love language may be "time" and your's may be "acts of service". If so, then for him to feel loved, you would need to spend time with him and for you to feel loved he would need to do some things for you (like vacuum). You may be doing lots of things for him, but if that is not his love language he will not feel loved and probably won't even appreciate that you are doing so many things. Read the book, it explains it much better.
Another thought... he may not notice the dog hair as much as you. I know my husband notices crumbs onthe floor long before I do and I know he gets frustrated that I don't vacuum them up. Well, I just don't notice them! I guess it is a different tolerance level or I'm just focused on different things. He, on the other hand, always leaves the cabinet doors in the kitchen open, which drives me crazy. I've learned that it just doesn't bother him so if I want them shut I just have to do it myself and not get upset about it. I know he doesn't leave them open to irritate me.
It sounds like you really love each other, so work on understanding his needs and trying to meet them. Usually if his needs are met and he feels loved he will want to meet your needs as well. Oh, you also may want to watch the movie Fireproof, but I highly receommend the Five Love Languages first.
Best wishes.

Hi

I hear all of what you are saying , you just want some help around the house , as you should as both of you live there and have a baby , dog etc. As you are angry at the moment and anything you say turns into an argument can you not write down all you want to say? For eg make a point of telling him that you are not asking him to do the whole house when he comes home , but could he just vaccuum as you are concerned about the baby getting the dog hairs in his hands/mouth etc , maybe suggest a rota where one day you do it before you leave for work and the next day he does it when he comes home.

If he doesn't like this idea and causes an argument then I think it is more a case of that he just does not want to help out at all , maybe you should then suggest that you need to give up work or go part time if he wants you to be able to do the amount of cleaning that is needed with all the dogs you have.

Good luck and I hope it get's better

K.

K R,

I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time, been there. He is not hearing you on some things and I suspect that you may not be hearing him on some things. Yes, listening and hearing are different. Having not read any of the other responses, my personal reccommendation is that you schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor/family therapist. I hope that things get better for you and your family.

okay i dont mean this to sound completely insensitive but LOL @ YOUR HUBBYS ATTITUDE!! god he sounds like my boyfriend... and my kids, hahaha... he would rather get rid of the dog than just VACUUM... that would take him what, under an hour? also, YOU HAVE A 13 YEAR OLD, hello... my 4 and 5 year olds sweep up the doghair at my house, as well as empty all the wastepaper baskets every weekend, make their beds daily, and put away their own clean laundry. little simple tasks give kids the feeling of self worth, not to mention helps YOU out, mama! or even better, on a fairer note, take turns doing the vacuuming (although i agree that in this case it really shouldnt be your problem). trade up every other weekend. thats a great compromise. this sounds like the typical arguement WE have every week... i just choose my battles wisely. when my boyfriend brings up trivial stuff like this and REALLY just wants to pick a fight about ANYTHING, i roll my eyes, throw my hands up in the air, wave my little white flag, and go read a book... because honestly, i dont think this has 1/2 as much to do with vacuuming doghair as it does some untold underlying issue that hes not communicating. be patient... men are still boys underneath their handsome, masculine exterior... and i truly believe that. they can be worse than the kids some days. GOOD LUCK MAMA! im not sure if i said anything helpful or not, just keep in mind that this may be one stupid thing you have to just laugh off... and put those kids to work :)

The reason you are miserable is because you are stressed out form overwork. Your husband is a typical man: her doesn't see dirt and dog hair the same way you do so he thinks you are overreacting. Could you pay your teenager to care for the dogs including the vacuuming? This would lighten your work load. You do need cuddle time with your husband. If you can't hire your teen could you hire someone else? Or could you cut back on your job hours? You have a good man and your marriage should be number one priority. You will probably argue less if your get more rest. Thank your husband for wanting to make you happy. Hire a sitter and go out for dinner. AF

Hi, First you should pray for him and for yourself and your relationship. Have you thought about a counselor to help give you both someone to talk to. Also what I find is great are Bible studies. There are many out there that are husband & wife oriented so that you can work on them together. They really help to open things up on both sides. I wish you the best of luck, hang in there, it is worth it.

Are you spying on me? Should I go look for hidden cameras?

Been there, done that!For the issue with the Husky, can she be contained to a non-carpeted room during the day? Kenneled? Then the hair wouldn't get everywhere. The 'snuggle' time that he wants, you should try to see it as down time for you too. Give him 30m and then slowly go about what you want to do.

I have a 7yr old and a 2yr old. Its been worst since the 2yr old, not just cuz there's more stuff, which drives him nuts, but cuz I have less down time to do things. I finally got to the point where I don't do things for him, I do them for me and the kids. My kids are what matter. They need clean clothes, and clean sheets, and a straightened up room. If he benefits from that, well then...somethings can't be helped. :-) I would do the laundry from just me and the kids. He had to do his own. So then he would complain about the laundry not being done or sorted so much that I even got to the point where he had to do and sort the laundry. That worked until the day that I had no clothes to wear to work. He has washed all of this stuff first and hadn't gotten around to my stuff yet. He couldn't even include 1 pair of my pants in the various loads that he had done? Gee, thanks! So now we are back to both of us doing the laundry. Sorting the clothes, doing the dishes, laundry, picking up, I do alot of it when everyone is asleep, after I've had some down time for me. For laundry, I try to sort and put away each load as it is done, then if I run out of time, there is less of it laying around for him to complain about. He finally got tired of being ignored and we layed it all out on the table. All of the bad feelings out in the open. He even has some towards me. Shocking! Things are getting better. He's helping a bit more, on the things that are important to him. For the chores, I do little things during the commercial breaks, and if they just happen to take awhile and I don't make it back in time, well, tough. He makes dinner, and I do the dishes. He vacuums, and I sort the laundry. I hope you are able to find your balance.
M.