Husband Needs Advice

Wow! Seems like both of your lives are pretty hectic. I am 28 and my hubby is active duty military and we have two daughters 4&8. Sounds to me like your wife is overwhelmed and the kids are just following suite of the mother. You shouldn't have to insist on dates or insist on her participating she should want to come and the kids she just come. If it is truly something you like to do then stick with it. Make new friends and try to enjoy yourself. Just be careful making friends in the female persuasion because you might really love your wife but the fact you find joy in someone else finding joy in what you are interested in can be very attracting and could lite a flame that not even you can put out, know what I mean? Just see if your wife will have a quiet personal sit down with you and tell her what you are feeling and tell the whole truth, no holding back. It is very tense having mom in law at the house, I know how that feels. So get some time alone and tell her it isn't a date that you have something important to talk about in your relationship together. You need to make sure she isn't holding back resentment towards you for something. You would be surprised how much can come out in just one sitdown with your wife. Good luck.-C.

Mother-in-law needs to be supportive of you and your wife -which means your marriage or- move out. Your wife needs to be a part of your life. You only live once and hopefully only marry once so you should try to be an active part in the marriage. While it is ok for you to not have the exact same interest and do everything together- she needs to care enough about you to attend your banquets and functions and an occasional reenactment at least. Love is an action word- a verb- Loving thoughts, actions, words, support all needs to happen to keep a marriage together. God bless you and your whole family as you figure out what works for you all.

It is OK to invite this young lady and couple to the events, but I do believe she should attend separately. Your wife is probably hurt by the attention you are giving this 'young' lady. Let me say, as someone in my forties, it is tough when 'young ladies' flirt with my husband. Although I still look pretty good, there is a certain competitiveness that comes out. Let me just say, from a woman's point of view, most women really like firefighters, as you probably already know. Maybe this 'young lady' is trying to make her husband jealous and is that really the situation you want to be in. Again, as a woman, rarely do we do something without an ulterior motive. Honestly, I would not be comfortable attending an event with a married man who I barely know.

It seems that your wife needs extra attention from you and to be reassured that you love her and appreciate her. Based on your email, it seems that both of you have been through alot the past few years and although it can bring a couple closer, the stress of injuries, retirement and extreme life changes can be very difficult on a marriage. My husband was in a serious accident a few years ago, and I will be the first say how emotionally difficult it was on me. he was in physical pain and couldn't work, so I bore all household duties, plus worked a full time job. I would continue to encourage her to go out on dates with you and maybe find joint activities that you both enjoy. My mother lives with my husband and our children and I can tell you, it is very tough to be a mother, wife, daugther, caregiver and employee in one day. I constantly feel pulled in 10 different directions and I often consumed with guilt because nothing I do seems like enough to please everyone. I know that I tend to get moody, even depressed, when I don't have any time to be alone. However, once I have a little bit of "downtime" I am happy to rejoin my family and enjoy the activities we do together.

My husband and I both feel very strongly that associating with a member of the opposite sex without our spouse present is a bad idea and asking for trouble. Even if it is intended to be innocent, it looks really bad, and you don't know the other person's intentions or how they might change over time.
That being said, your wife is putting you in a bad situation overall and needs to do something to change that asap. The best marriage advice I ever received was given to me by a leader in our church before I got married (12 years and five children ago). He quoted from "His Needs, Her Needs-Building an Affair-Proof Marriage" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. From a survey of 15,000 men and women asked to arrange 10 "needs" in order of importance, almost all listed their highest priorities as follows and in this order. Women: Affection, Conversation, Honesty and Openness, Financial Support, Family Commitment. Men: Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, An Attractive Spouse, Domestic Support, Admiration. (I keep this list hanging up in my closet to this day and refer to it periodically to see how I'm doing at showing love to my husband in ways that are important to him.) I personally don't really care whether or not I get out of the house. I like being a homebody. My husband, however, thrives on Recreational Companionship, so we go out on a date every Friday night no matter what (and usually go out with the whole family on Saturdays and Sundays). Although I prefer to wear sweats, I do my best to look nice for him and to do other things on the Men's Top Five list. He tries to show me love in the ways I want to feel loved as well (the Women's Top Five list). This has worked very well for us. Your wife needs to go to your social events and reenactments whether she enjoys them or not. That is called being a supportive spouse. How would she feel if one day you just decided to stop satisfying her need for conversation? Her mother needs to either leave or be given guidance in how she can help strenghten your marriage (by giving you two alone time, etc). Perhaps her mother can find other ways during the day to meet her need for conversation so she is not so demanding later. I feel for you having to go through all this. The fact that you even thought to ask shows you have good sense. I hope some of this is helpful to both you and your wife. Good luck.

You want a lady's point of view... Here it is: I'm a young married wife and mommy. If the roles were reversed I wouldn't want my husband doing what you're doing. I would feel very uncomfortable riding with a married man alone. If she wants to attend, fine, but there are things that can look inappropriate even if there wasn't anything inappropriate about it. I'm no marriage counselor but it sounds like you two need to focus on each other and not on what YOU or SHE only wants to do. But I wouldn't exacerbate the problem between you two by giving a ride to a young lady. It's also very dangerous to have in-laws in the house (I've experienced this). My parents tried to "take over" just as they were here only for Christmas. My husband wouldn't have it. He's the head of our family. My mom is not my head nor is my stepdad. I understand that family circumstances happen but you need (in a loving way) to step up and be the head of your home and not let your mother-in-law "take over." This might sound harsh but it is what will save your marriage. Grace and peace to you...

Okay...here goes but don't expect this to sound politically correct or soft. We have taught all four of our daughters that it is inappropriate to be alone with any...ANY...man or boy. Now for you this is also protection. What if she were to claim you had acted in an inappropriate way with her and there was no witness? This would be terrible for you yes but what of your wife? In the world we live in today you cannot be too careful. You either need to let her drive herself or carpool with even more people. My husband is a pastor and we agreed to a policy where he never sees a lady at his office at church alone. They have to come here to the house office. It would also be dangerous to you to strike up a friendship with someone who shares your interests when you are having struggles in your marriage. I have heard of people affair proofing their marriage by keeping these guidelines. You just have to make sure there are no circumstances under which you could find yourself falling into an affair. I wish you wife was able to share your interests but until such a time as that changes you must be careful. I hope this wasn't too strong for you but if you are working on your marriage I figured you would want it straight. I have seen a lot in my years as a pastors wife!

Sincerely!

K.

You may be asking for trouble inviting the young lady to attend these events with you. My fiancee has a daughter older than me, and yet had never dated anyone as young as me. We started out as friends and gradually became closer largely due to common interests. However, I can understand your frustration. What keeps a relationship going is spending time together and enjoying one another's companionship. If you have to beg your wife to participate in the one activity that you really enjoy, that must leave you feeling rejected and isolated. Surely, you and your wife enjoyed spending time together at some point. Think back: what brought the two of you together? What were the activities you used to enjoy together? Can you still participate in those activities? Was there an event that triggered this divide between you? From what you have described, it sounds like having the mother in law in your home is causing a great deal of dischord and stress. Perhaps the three of you could sit down and discuss an alternative living arrangement for her mother. There are also charity groups that will send people out to spend time with your mother in law, take her to appointments, and take her on fun outings with other seniors.
The best bit of marriage advice I have ever heard is, "If you're going to fight, fight for the marriage, not against it." In other words, instead of starting a conversation like, "You never spend time with me," try saying, "I want to spend more time with you. Let's talk about things we can do together that we would both enjoy." It sounds like your wife is under a great deal of stress too, and I'm sure she feels pulled in many directions. She's juggling her elderly needy mother, her own disability, having a disabled husband, and a new career all at the same time. It's easier to forgive a less than perfect spouse when you stop being angry or hurt long enough to take a long look at what they are going through. And of course, she should do the same for you. Open the lines of communication again. Tell her what you want from the marriage, ask her what she wants, and listen. If you can't make any progress with this advice, consider a marriage counselor. They may be expensive, but that's nothing compared to the cost and devistation of an ugly divorce. Good luck!

I think that it is great that you care enough to get opinions from others. I can understand your wife not enjoying the re-enactments. I really don't mean that in a negative way. I have been to a few with my husband (SCV member) and our sons. We had a good time. I don't know that it would be much fun if Trey were out there in the field though. I think that you did nothing wrong in inviting the girl and her family. I do feel that she should not have ridden with you. Not just for this reason, but taking strangers on trips with you is a very bad idea-regardless of how harmless they seem. The biggest problem here is that most of us ladies realize that there are alot of women out there that are vipers. They will destroy lives and marriages just for the fun of it. They look back on the path of destruction that they left behind with great victory and move on to the next target. Sounds harsh, I know, but it's true. Some do it for money, some because of unhappiness and others out of boredom. My advice, stay away from other ladies regardless of their age. This is especially important if your wife will not be with you. I think that it is great that you have found something that you enjoy doing. Why don't you and your wife find something that you enjoy doing together as well? Go and an have a meal that you both enjoy, but make sure that your complete focus is on her. You seem to be a nice man that speaks easily to others- don't do that on this date. You don't have to be mean to the wait staff, but keep it about the food- okay? :) I don't know which town that you live in, or your wife's interests, but there is bound to be something that you two can do together. The internet is a great tool- do some research and take some ideas with you on your date. If you are members of a church, you should consider joining a Bible study together. We have a great miniature golf range in Statesboro as well as events and classes held at the Averitt Art Center and the Bulloch Rec Department. A leisurely stroll has always been one of our favorite things to do together. With running our business, we don't have much time for dates. Again, I commend you for caring and wanting to fix the problem. With an open heart and plenty of prayer, everything will get better soon. Please keep us updated.

Hi Robert:
The big picture here is that your mother-in-law is living with you and competing with you for time with your wife. I know this because my mother-in-law has lived with me for 25 years and in the beginning it was very difficult. My husband felt guilty about leaving her. Your wife should help the mother find other things to do like join the senior citizens in our area etc. There are lots for seniors to do. If this barrier is not resolved the marriage will not be sustainable. You have things you like to do and her life is revolving around her mother.
Even if she does not like the reinactment people do things for the people they love because it is important to that person. You and your wife have a life together and the mother needs to move towards a social life and friends which will take the pressure off of you and your wife.
P.S. Stay away from the young woman. It can only make things worse.

Robert, I think it's fine for this woman to attend your events. I think the big thing here is that you discussed these events with the young woman in front of your wife, so everything is out in the open and she should know that this isn't some illicit thing. I'd keep inviting your wife, so she knows she's welcome to be around you as a group, and if she declines, that's her choice. I am a stay at home mom and my husband is a teacher. Because he works with mostly women, he occasionally goes out after work or to lunch with a group of women, or sometimes even with just one woman. I know these women and I trust them and my husband completely. I also have occasions to meet other men, because there are a couple of dads in our neighborhood moms group, and sometimes our kids have playdates at the park or at our homes, and I don't see it any differently than I would see having another mom over. Trust is the key issue here. The other thing is, I commend you both for making time for dates with each other. Now, maybe you can try to find some other activity that you both enjoy, so your wife doesn't feel shut out of your activities, since she clearly doesn't enjoy the ones you participate in now. I understand this isn't easy-- my husband and I don't even make time for dates at this point!!-- but it's worth it to try for the sake of your relationship. Good luck!!

I'd say that having the other woman attend with you (daughter or not) is a really bad idea. Even worse is riding there with her. It will only alienate your wife more. You said yourself that you and your wife are having problems - why compound it by adding another element to the mix?

As a wife and a christian I tend to agree with the being alone part with this other woman, but in my relationship with my husband, we are very trusting. We have very different tastes in what we consider fun but we do make compromises as your wife should too. You may want to consider talking to your wife about striking up a friendship with this other woman and maybe then she will have someone that she is friends with at these events you go to. Make it a play date for the kids or a casual meeting, no food invovled, just snacks or coffee somewhere. Try explaining to your wife how important it is for you to have her there and how you would feel more comfortable taking her along with this other woman or that this is something you wish she would do for you.

You asked for other women's advice, and I'm presuming most will be similar. Yes, it is wrong to ask the young girl (with or without her family) to attend with you because of how it makes your wife feel. You're a team; the needs of the team come first. I'm sure she trusts you and you kind intentions, but I agree with the other responder that sometimes you can't see a bad thing coming. I would give the young lady the info and if she chooses to attend or observe, she'll know how to get the info, but NOT to ride together or take her along. Even your daughters would probably agree with all these moms advice. Everybody's moving forward: your wife with a new job and career, you're continuing to participate in things you enjoy. It would be great if you could do it together, but perhaps the season of life doesn't allow for it right now. You are very generous to care for her mother, not many men would do that.

I do not see anything wrong with inviting the young woman and her family. In fact, I think it is a wonderful thing to do. I think your wife should try it.

Hey, Robert :)

Seems to me you might have some doubts about either 1) your relationship with your wife or 2) the social impropriety of the young lady situation. It also sounds like you'd rather your MIL take her behind somewhere else so she will get off your wife's back.

Hmmm....a history re-enactor sounds wonderful! I know a few men who do this and I belong to a Yahoo group (18thcentury ladies or something like that) who are so historically-correct that they attempt to get the fabric that the women wore with their dresses during that time period. I don't participate but I love to read about what they do. I applaud that you are socially involved in a hobby that's important and enjoyable (I'm an amateur genealogist).

It sounds like to be you have an issue with the MIL being in your home. Criticism, in any form loud or soft, essentially hurts. As a man, sometimes you show it - sometimes you don't. I know my husband is like this. I've learned that if I want to keep the peace in our home, I have to believe that not everything is a personal attack against me or my own thoughts on family or social issues that I might have an opinion on.

His son lived with us 2x and during those times, I've never had my patience tried more. I'll never ask God to give me patience again, for sure, because those lessons are burned into my soul! God really knew what he was doing when he answered my prayers for more patience! Perhaps, your wife is going through a guilt of some sort. I felt guilty about my feelings towards my son because he was a constant stream of criticism and just downright mean sometimes. It hurt. I'm sure it tires your wife out to no end to know what she's faced with when she walks through the door each and every time she comes back from the small amount of freedom every day (work, errands - anything away from the house).

In my humble opinion (IMHO), I don't think your wife is ignoring you. I think she's tired of the homelife situation and doesn't know what to do about it. Women sometimes feel a certain obligation to their parents at the expense of their own personal desires. Have you thought about alternative living arrangements for the MIL? It could be that she really NEEDS social interaction with folks her own age that she can relate to. It really helped that my grandmother lived in an "older" neighborhood so she could walk up the street to talk to her old-lady-network and gossip about family and friends. Old women thrive on that sort of stuff :)

As for the young lady, you'll need to exercise some caution here. You, sir, are in a vulnerable position in life. You are lonely.

And loneliness can lead to trouble.

I would suggest less frequent associations with this young lady and start hanging out with men who share a common bond with you. Doesn't have to be men your age - as long as they share a knowledge and interest. I would also re-consider going to banquets and social functions without my wife. It not only causes gossip but, eventually, someone will feel sorry for you and introduce you to other women. The possibilities of hurting your wife is great at this point.

Your wife should re-consider her role in the home. SHE'S the woman of the house - not her mother. If she doesn't start putting her foot down (or in it), then she'll continue to feel guilty, lonely, frustrated, angry and totally and completely unsocial to everyone around her. But this is your wife's decision to make - you can't make it for her. Either she takes a stand for the sake of her marriage and her home or she can continue to be whipped by life and circumstances.

Ok, yeah, so I'm long-winded. What woman isn't? :)

If you intended to make your wife jealous and hurt by asking this girl to attend then YES, you were wrong. You were also wrong in having her ride with you, if she wanted to attend this event with her family they could've went in their own car. You are hurt and lonely right now you need to stay away from opening doors like that. Your wifey is also in the wrong, she needs to be a wife and a supportive one at that. I think it's great you two are taking care of her mom after all mom's take care of us why not return the favor BUT she need's to concentrate on being a wife. Also see where she's coming from, she's probably torn between leaving her mom alone and going out with her husband. Try to be sensitive about her feelings and don't guilt trip her. do you have to attend all of these events?? Maybe get her mom all dressed up one night and take the two of them as YOUR family. INclude her mom, then maybe your wife will see the flip side and that you are making an effort maybe in return she'll make an effort. You gotta give what you want. Good Luck to you!! Keep loving your wife!!! And stay AWAY From those 21 year olds.

Dear Robert, i think it's wonderful that you have hobbies and interests in your life. Although you have been badly hurt you did not lose your love for life, way to go!!!
The household situation is a whole another story but it can be improved. First and foremost the "mama's issue": your mother in law lives with you guys, that's a fact, so I guess your wife needs to set some boundaries with her without being too harsh (perhaps by just avoiding to tell her too many details about your relationship - she sees already for herself what goes on in the family - and by not giving too many explanations about your choices as a married couple).
SHE NEEDS TO BE BY YOUR SIDE.
About the hobbies: you can't help it if your family does not enjoy the same activities that you like so much, so maybe you can find some new ones that you can share.
About the young buddy-woman: THeRE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG if riding with her (and her family, hello!) to go to your re-enactements. Eileen should not think so low about you, because you love her and the family you built together, so THERE IS NO REASON TO BE JEALOUS. We should always be happy if our partner has a good time, even if we are not around (by our choice, by the way).
Maybe Eileen is going through a phase that I hope will be soon gone, but i think she is extremely lucky to have somebody open and fun as you by her side.
So, go ahead and try to be more private in front of her Mother and try to take your wife on dates with friends that she likes, at first. This should help her getting used again to social settings. Good luck to both of you!

Drop the young lady you are playing with fire! Find something you and your wife are interested in and can do together- keep working on it - there has to be something!

I can relate to your wife. Although I do work outside the home 24 hours a week, I too am the sole care giver for a needy mother, in addition to raising two very active children. It can be very emotionally consuming to try to meet all the needs of others while doing very little for yourself. I am proud of you for realizing that you need time to get out and do something for yourself. Not trying to sound sexest, but it's harder for women to come to that conclusion most of the time. So often, we have spent our entire married lives taking care of the husband, kids, volunteering for school and church committees that we tend to lose track of who we are. We becoming "childs's mom, husbands wife" and that is as far we see ourselves. I understand you want a companion to take interest in what you are interested in. Asking a younger woman along is probably hurtful to your wife's feelings whether she admits it or not. In her mind it is a betrayal and can only lead to problems down the road. Explain to the other lady that you are glad that she has a new found interest in these activities and you hope she continues to enjoy them, but you will not be able to be her contact or transportation any longer. If she is an honorable person she will understand and respect you for it, if she's not you're not losing anything. As for your wife. Try encouraging her to do something for herself that doesn't involve you. When I went through my "loss of self" crisis, I started my own home based business. An avenue like this will allow her to use her new computer skills, meet new people ( a lot of women with similar issues), make a little extra money and improve her self esteem. I know a lot of people turn their noses up @ businesses like " Pampered chef", "Party lite" "Tupperware" Because of the time it takes to do the parties. If that kind of business is not for her their are lots of other businesses that do not require parties.The business I chose doesn't require parties and works for me because I do it in my spare time and it doesn't take time away from my family. It's computer based. Maybe if she could find something like this or charity work that doesn't involve you, her mother or anyone else. She will feel better about herself. If she starts to do things for herself, you will see her in turn respect the things you choose to do. Your support of something she does solely for her self will make her appreciate you and in turn probably make her show more of an interest hwat you are interested in. You need to initiate this because you have seen that there is a problem. She may not see it yet. Don't wait until she begins to regret lost time. I hope this helps.

I don't think your doing anything wrong here. You haven't cheated and this young lady has a husband and child so there's no reason to assume anyone's trying to hook up. I think your wife should be the one who is attending at least some of these funtions wether she likes to or not. I do tons of stuff I absolutely hate doing with my husband, like spending 30 mins in the electronics isle pacing them. But I do it silently b/c I would expect the same from him. When you love someone you do stuff you don't really like to do to make them happy. And not to sound harsh, but I think it's your wife's place to include herself if she doesn't like anyone else going with you, otherwise she should leave you be unless she had cause for concern.Like someone else said though, if you are only doing it to make her jelous...which I don't see to many grown men doing now-a-days but you would be in the wrong. But if she doesn't want to share the happiness with you then she souldn't prevent you from having someone around who enjoys the same thing...makes no difference if it's a women....some women just need to get off the jelousy horse and realize that if your man is someone you have to be concerned about around anyone, even women then you need to find a new man.If a person was going to cheat, they'd do it regardless of what you did to prevent them from doing it. But I will say if you do start to like the girl more than you know you should then you should cut all ties.And if you decide to follow your feelings to always be upfront and honest and allow the other person to be happy as well.

I understand your need to have your wife involved. Be very careful yes this girl is very interested in what you do and that is fine but I would make sure that you both arrived at events separately it's ok to socialize with someone you want to teach the things your interested in but be careful this can lead to things you don't want. Now why is it your wife will not go to things. If she's not interested in them why not? I didn't ever attend any chess games with my husband because I can't follow it for as long as it takes and am bored out of my mind by chess. If that is the case with your wife take your wife else where but reconnect with her. Make a purposed decision to connect with her daily even if it is a simple touch on her shoulder as she walks by. I say this because I understand all my husband wants to do is play stupid computer internet game. As a woman I need his attention and feel he gives it to his so called friends from work and this fantasy game of his. I would love us to go to re-eactments of Civil War and such I love that kind of stuff myself. I love history of the Cherokee as it is in my blood lines. Find something that interest her and get both of you involved. Hey if it is watching Dr.Phil or something like that just spend time together holding her hand or sitting real close while doing so lets her know you still want to be near her. The date idea you have is great. Also if she is losing interest in all outside activity you may want to mention this to her doctor that is a sign of depression. She sounds overwhelmed though she is trying to help her mother and of course feels the need to repay what her mother has done for her. Help ease the load in anyway can say alot to her. Do some housework that you know she dreds doing. Just small things to show you still love her and are still her help mate. I will be praying for you and your wife.

you found a 21 year old woman interested in civil war reenactments? weird.